To withdraw my child from school sports day

[MissHoollie]

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

I think the worst thing we can do as parents is protect our kids from failure. They need to learn that nothing bad will happen if they come last in a race. It’s not humiliating or devastating. Then they move on and forget about it.

(unless they have a parent completely projecting their own insecurities and hatred of sports day every year)

I mean, yes. It is just a race. So why does it bother you so much if someone else’s child opts to not participate in it? Nobody has suggested that sporty children or those who want to do it are banned from sports day! Just that those who don’t want to participate in a public sporting event are not forced to. Much like they would not be forced to participate in a spelling bee or competitive dance team if they didn’t like or had low ability in those activities.

And for what it’s worth, my kids do lots of exercise. Two of them do martial arts and play football and love sports day. One is a dancer and although she’s generally not the big winner always participated in sports day. One never participated in sports day and found it a difficult and humiliating experience that caused a lot of stress. Why would I force him to do it? He is a great cyclist with his dad and loves walking - what would he gain from crying through a race in front of assorted parents, classmates, and teachers who he already feels isolated from?

Missing sports day isn’t meaning they aren’t going to fail and recover in other areas. It doesn’t follow that you have to lean in and encourage them to suck up every single bit of failure as it comes their way so they can build that character to be everyone’s favourite good loser.

Its not really a good way to teach kids resilience. Something you don't like? Don't worry, mummy will make it go away.
No wonder so many youngsters can't seem to cope with day to day life nowadays.

No one can protect their child all the time from upset and hurt.

I found the rise in helicopter parenting when I worked in higher education was overall detrimental to the students. Beware because it starts with things like this.

One of my children is super academic, super sporty (to a national level) and very popular. Another child was born with learning difficulties and as well as really struggling at school she very much came last in every single school sporting activity and only ever had a tiny circle of friends. It has been my life’s work to support her and I am so happy that she was able to laugh about her shortcomings and coming last in everything.

She is my happiest child as she is fully aware of her weaknesses and shortcomings but has also become aware that the cool/sporty/academic crowd aren’t necessarily always they are cracked up to be. This was beautifully depicted in Spielberg’s recent film “The Fabelmans”.

At 7 I’d keep him off school and do something else. Every single thing doesn’t need to be a life lesson and sports day can be awful for non-sporty kids. He’ll learn resilience by dealing with the daily challenges that are part of school life, it’s equally important to know where your limits are and when it’s ok to take a back seat.

I've had this as well for my son who has dyspraxia. It's horrible!

At 7 I’d keep him off school and do something else. Every single thing doesn’t need to be a life lesson and sports day can be awful for non-sporty kids. He’ll learn resilience by dealing with the daily challenges that are part of school life, it’s equally important to know where your limits are and when it’s ok to take a back seat

Totally agree.

Maybe Simone Biles sucked at the sack race or dropped the baton in the relay did you ask her?

I've seen more children crying in school assemblies where they've had to stand up and speak in front of the whole school, parents and extended family than I have at sports day. You don't get endless threads asking if it's okay to take their kids our of school because of it.

But children have to do stuff they don’t like/aren’t good at all the time. They have to read out loud in class and assembly (some love this/some hate this. They don’t get to opt out of tests and other competitions at school.

Why do non-sporty kids get to opt out of the one thing they may not do so well at?

Because for the most part kids aren’t doing maths or literacy in front of an audience of every child and most parents in the school. It’s one thing to fail, it’s quite another to do so publicly aged 7.

Yes. I cried once in assembly having to read out loud (who knows why but I was very shy). It was so embarrassing. But next time I didn’t. And then I chose to go in the school
play and my confidence and public speaking got better. If my Mum had said ‘oh she can’t read out loud in assembly’ how would that have helped me?

I would have far preferred to come last in a running race that didn’t matter.

Because like you keep saying. It's just a race and doesn't matter.

Laughing at children with physical conditions or disabilities is obviously vile but leaving that aside someone has to come last, in everything.

Nobody cares who comes 4th in the 100m! Why is it humiliating? Someone has to come last. It’s just a race.

The person who comes last cares! Of course it’s humiliating, a crowd of people including your family, friends and peers are all watching you fail at something, your team are pissed off with you because they won’t get points and win the day, at best you get the patronising cheers, kids can be cruel and make nasty comments.

Well, this brought back memories, last again and again and again, and it didn't teach resilience. Teachers who said I didn't try hard enough, I tried so hard I pulled something in my hip "You couldn't have, you came last," it still twinges now I'm 77.That was in a race I didn't choose to enter, when given the choice, but the teacher overrode that to have enough to race. So why choose me, there were others?

When I was teaching we had lots of activities on Sports Day, due to a sensible head, and done in teams. Except the year that a parent donated a load of trophies. And some of the children booed. It completely changed the dynamics.

We didn't need races. As there is one who always comes last (I still hate that teacher, as I have recognised now how she let her dislike of me out in every aspect of life at the school) there is one who always comes first, yes I know it will be you Darren, all the children knew, all the way through junior school, and I gather infants as well, and I suspect that no one dared to challenge that. Why bother to confirm him in his entitlement?

And at secondary school, where we practiced hurdling at 30 inches and I could do it, but on sports day they changed it to 33. Trail of capsized hurdles.

Teach resilience? Teach that your place is last and always will be? Bloody pecking order when we aren't chickens. Why not teach the fastest respect for others?

If a child hates speaking in public are they expected to take a speaking part in the school play, or are they allowed to just be in the background where they feel more comfortable? In my head it's the same as telling a child who doesn't like sports day "well you have to do it regardless of how stupid it makes you feel".

As for those saying "well what's the difference between those not being good at maths/English, they still have to do tests whether they like it or not", well of course they do. The better at those they are, the better chance they have in adult life. I doubt there has been any child in history who got a place at uni/decent job, because they were able to run fast whilst holding an egg on a spoon.

The person who won the egg and spoon cheated. She dropped it by throwing it forward and continued from the place it fell. That sort of skill will help in life. I didn't drop it, so the skill of balancing and egg successfully I know I have never needed.

OP- lots of people will disagree with you whichever choice you make. You need to do what you think is best for your child.

But I really think traditional sports days are due a rethink. Do we have a day where everyone has to take part in a maths quiz with the whole school and parents etc watching? Do we have public reading competitions with compulsory participation? Does every child HAVE to take a speaking part in the school play? No. We celebrate those who are particularly good at these things and try to sensitively encourage those who struggle. Surely the point of PE in schools should be to get every child doing some regular activity and make exercise part of their life for good. So a sports day would be more effective if those who excel at sport could have competitions (with an audience if they wish) and those who don't could have different activities, with no audience, aimed at building enjoyment of sport.

I was always rubbish at sport and have strong memories of being ridiculed by pupils and parents at sports day. This did not make me resilient. It taught me to fear trying any form of exercise where anyone would see me. My DD was also terrible at traditional school sports and when she was upset at the thought of having to fail in front of the whole school etc I gave her the option of not doing sports days. I have encouraged her to find exercise that she enjoys and surprise surprise because she enjoys practising she's actually become OK at it, and that's given her confidence to try other sports. She's never going to be a world class athlete but is now a very resilient, physically fit young adult. Shielding your child from public ridicule is not helicopter parenting.

And then I chose to go in the school
play and my confidence and public speaking got better

That's overcoming shyness, which is different to knowing you have to run in a race where you know you'll be last. Again.

At some point as a child, I was not a good athlete but enjoyed taking part. I enjoyed playing with my friends and celebrating their wins. I think for some athletic kids it's important to have a full field and for them to be able to compete, win, enjoy.

And for the 10% who find the day hugely uncomfortable (as I went on to do) there's no reason to attend. My 2 kids arent great at sports but dont mind sports day - it's important that they go. If my daughter was horribly uncomfortable I would keep her off sick for the day without question.

And to answer the question about prizes for maths etc - this isnt a PE prize, its a full competitive day in front of crowds etc.

Great lesson for them - you might lose this one unimportant race. So you can stay home with Mummy and let everyone else compete.

By allowing them to miss school you are making it a big deal. I’m guessing they are phoning in sick? So add in a lie to that too. Great parenting all round…

Yes of course children who don’t like speaking in public have to participate in assembly and read in front of peers and teachers. Otherwise how will they gain confidence?