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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws overstepping regarding our finances

235 replies

Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:34

Hi
Im looking for advice how to sort this situation without a falling out. I’ve posted in aibu as I didn’t know where else to post it. My in laws are really overstepping the boundaries regarding our finances at the moment. For context we have 2 disabled children whom we homeschool. DH has a fairly good job and we prioritise after bills being paid giving the children the best life we can. This includes lots of day trips, holidays etc. FIL in particular is really starting to get on my nerves. He says we shouldn’t be going on holidays it’s too expensive. We shouldn’t buy the kids so much. Actually we don’t buy the kids much at all in the way of material possessions. We shouldn’t buy them so many takeaways. They have maybe 1 McDonald’s a month. He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost. He said my DS has too many fidget toys and I’ve spent a fortune on them. I haven’t it was a £15 pack as he had lost most of his old ones. I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore. FIL isn’t actually DHs father so that complicates things further. What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away. The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them. I don’t think this is the answer. Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:

Xenia · 25/05/2023 19:54

Glad it was said to him - well done. If you want to buy a particular water bottle with your and your husband's money you can. it is nothing to do with the husband's step father.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 20:07

What a fantastic update, well done 👏

Wallywobbles · 25/05/2023 20:09

Id jump on Christmas now and send a text saying in view of your behavior we won't be coming or seeing you at all.

Throughalookingglass · 25/05/2023 20:19

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/05/2023 22:23

Start pushing back

You should only buy dc 1 present for Xmas - that's a good idea, you buy them one present and we'll buy them as many as we want

You shouldn't spend money on holidays - how much did you spend when you went to x last year FIL?

How much are your bills - I can't remember, how much are your outgoings each month?

How much money do you have in savings - we're happy with the amount, what about yourselves. How much do you have?

I'd start to make it very uncomfortable for him to ask questions as you can turn it back on them. Hopefully he'll stop asking questions to stop you asking him

Do this!

My father does this to me. Its really uncomfortable as he sees whatever we do as squandering money. It isn't concern, its judgment. I don't visit often but if I'm there over two hours, his questions become very personal about our finances and this intrusiveness makes me very uncomfortable.

My sibling visits us a few times a year and tells him everything she knows about us/what we bought/spent/where we went and they are both critical of whatever we do and don't do. Could this be the same with you?

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 25/05/2023 20:28

MIL did call DH to say how upset she is. DH said that what happened earlier will not ever be tolerated and that FIL should apologise for the control your wife comment. MIL said I guess you won’t be seeing FIL again then. I think it’s safe to say the 6 days over Christmas is off 😂

OP posts:

ZorbaTheHoarder · 25/05/2023 20:30

Well done, both to you and your DH!
It's sad that DH's mother is standing by her man and probably won't see her grandchildren for a while as a result, but that's her choice!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 25/05/2023 20:33

OP I bloody love your update! Go you and DH.

Keep that hard line - you have been amazing!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/05/2023 20:34

Mrscouldron · 25/05/2023 20:28

You and your DH should have a good chat about what to do if he starts trying to come between your DH and MiL.

It’s better, in my experience, to discuss that before it happens. Rather than when the emotion hits of it happening

Hellno45 · 25/05/2023 20:35

Mrscouldron · 25/05/2023 20:28

They want an apology because they think you were rude. They don't recognise that constantly commenting on someone else's spending is rude and crass.

Hepwo · 25/05/2023 20:35

If they mention it tell them you have booked an expensive hotel for Christmas for a special treat and will be away.

T1Dmama · 25/05/2023 20:36

I’m very non confrontational… but if someone was badgering me like this I’d be telling them… “Thank you for your concern, however We will spend our money on our children as we feel fit.. … then EVERYTIME he brings it up repeat ‘our kids, our money!! And walk away…

as for Christmas …. cross yourself off his calendar & State VERY clearly you are spending Christmas at home alone!!! Even better book yourself a caravan holiday over Christmas x

QueenieMe · 25/05/2023 20:48

Mrscouldron · 25/05/2023 20:28

A very Merry Christmas to you, OP, you're going to have a lovely peaceful one this year!

God, it makes my blood boil where I hear men saying 'control your wife'. Well done your DH for standing up to him and telling him to sling his hook.

Starchipenterprise · 25/05/2023 20:51

Well done for standing up to them. They do not deserve you to stay with them at Christmas or details of your finances.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 25/05/2023 21:03

You have already won Best Christmas Gift of 2023 op!!
Embrace the peace.

ohfourfoxache · 25/05/2023 21:07

Lucky you, getting Christmas sorted already! 😂

IndiaRose22 · 25/05/2023 21:10

Bravo to you and DH. I didn't expect you to say you'd said it already but I'm pleased you've stood up for yourself and DH had your back!

Zarataralara · 25/05/2023 21:10

Fil, let me stop you right there. You do realise that DH and I are adults? Fully gown up adults, the parents of two children? We have been managing our finances for x number of years and we are more than happy with how we organise everything . Should we ever need your advice we will ask for it. But right now we will leave it as DH and I know what is best for our family. Let’s not discuss this again.

WiddlinDiddlin · 25/05/2023 21:14

Bloody knew it, should have guessed it'd be MIL that would call to speak to your DH and expect an apology though.

FIL is never going to have the balls.

Yay, thats Christmas freed up for you! :D Result!

Zarataralara · 25/05/2023 21:17

Dont know how I missed your latest posts, must have skipped a page.

Well done. He really does sound unhinged, who rants over a kids water bottle? And ‘ control your wife’???? Tell him the 1950s called and want him back.

Wexone · 25/05/2023 21:17

wohoo what a great update. had mother in law has some cheek ringing for an apology then playing guilt about not seeing him. can she not see how wrong he is ? how could he even say that ??. like what dies it really matter if the bottle has squiggls or whatever on it. he not using it he not paying for it and your child is happy. but to say control your wife is so shocking. I actually feel sorry for your mother in law.

PoppyTries · 25/05/2023 21:26

Mrscouldron · 25/05/2023 16:28

Quick update. They came round this afternoon, it was a planned visit as they were passing through the area. DDs old water bottle had cracked so I had brought her a new one. She loves smiggle so it was one of those. Obviously FIL went mad saying there is nothing wrong with a plain Tescos one. I politely told him it’s my money and I will buy whichever water bottle I wish for her. He said we just waste money left right and centre. I said it’s really none of your concern what we do or don’t spend our money on and that our finances won’t be discussed again. FIL looked at DH and said you need to control your wife! DH told him not to speak like that and to leave. Safe to say both FIL and MIL went off in a complete rage. I feel so much better for it though.

Well, those six days at Christmas seem to be sorted now!

I have an uncle like your FIL. Growing up, we had little contact with him because they lived in Hong Kong and didn’t move back until we were adults. He immediately started visiting various relatives and my cousins told me that he would march up to each of the adult cousins & interrogate about their finances. I had been a terribly shy child, but found my spine at uni, so he was quite startled that, upon being pummeled with questions by a man I hadn’t seen in nearly 20 years, I replied “I cannot imagine why you would think that ANY of this is your business. I barely KNOW you.” He told me I was rude and I said he should mind his own house and not concern himself with my father’s family - he has three unsuccessful and unmotivated adult children, so saying this embarrassed him greatly. It’s been another 20+ years and we’ve only ever said “hello” and “goodbye” since.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 25/05/2023 21:33

What a bloody update @Mrscouldron !! Good for you and DH. You've set the groundwork which is the hard bit, now you just need to maintain your stance and they'll get the idea....

AcrossthePond55 · 25/05/2023 21:51

Mrscouldron · 25/05/2023 20:28

"I guess you won’t be seeing FIL again then"

Oh dear, your and DH's poor little hearts must just be breaking at the thought. NOT.

Seriously, well done to both of you. Now sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet. If you want to continue a relationship with MiL, let her come to you.

Mrsknowitall · 25/05/2023 21:55

I would just reply with “who wants to be the richest man/woman in the graveyard” if you have it then enjoy it! Buy your kids their fidget toys and McDonald’s it has nothing to do with anyone else

bluebeck · 25/05/2023 22:01

Good riddance really. It’s not any loss is it?

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