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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make my complaint about this teacher more formal

373 replies

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 19:34

DS, 15, Y10 is really disliked by his maths teacher. It's quite obvious in the way he's treated in class (only a handful of negatives overall this year, mainly from her, not a single positive award point from her) and by how she speaks about him (on the phone/parents evening).

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory) but on the whole he tends to save the worst of the attitude for home.

He's a bright kid, top sets across the board & is quite often top of his classes.

I had a meeting earlier in the year with the maths teacher & DS' head of year to discuss the behaviour - it was things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption but I agree, it needs to be addressed. I explained that DS thrives on praise (I hate it, but the school system created that monster) & that she'd get a far better response if she could acknowledge when he's doing well/catch him being good. I also spoke to DS & told him that he needed to sort his self out & put the effort in. As far as I'm aware, he did for a while - I was seeing fewer negatives coming through but still no positive recognition.

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice".

Now, DH thinks rather than have another discussion we should put our concerns in writing so they have to be addressed. I think he's overreacting a little but then I've also seen DS go from a child who loved maths to one who doesn't even want to go to the lessons. He's even asked to get moved down a set so he can have a different teacher (and it's not because he's struggling, he's been entered for further maths & statistics alongside his regular maths GCSEs).

Would appreciate thoughts from all angles.

OP posts:
Motorcycleemptyness · 24/05/2023 21:30

Does your son behave poorly in lessons taught by men or is it just ones taught by women, out of interest? Your excusal of his (extremely poor) behaviour in class towards a female professional is way too close to ‘boys will be boys’ for my liking. We all had to put up with 15 yr olds like this when we were at school and they were all arseholes (gropey, misogynistic pricks who thought the world revolved around them and they deserved all the attention). If you continue to excuse this behaviour then you’re doing a disservice to your son. He doesn’t deserve a medal for not misbehaving for fucks sake!

Madamecastafiore · 24/05/2023 21:30

DollyParkin · 24/05/2023 21:23

Interesting that you’re talking about a boy, and his maths teacher is female, your son is disrespectful of your requests of his behaviour, and it’s your husband who wants to make a complaint. Sounds like the males in your family have a problem with female authority.

And further, that it’s in maths, a subject which is stereotypically seen as a “male” area.

I did also wonder if it was because she was female that he had no respect for her.

CreateaUsername27 · 24/05/2023 21:31

As a parent who has had two boys go through the system there have been a few teachers along the way who have not got along with them as well, it's just human nature. Like a work collogue it can be hard to fix once a relationship goes wrong.
Have you thought about an on-line math's tutor for your son? It did wonders for my son as his teaching was a but disrupted for his final year and it worked out really well.

noblegiraffe · 24/05/2023 21:31

I’m an English teacher (so I really get workload!) and regularly have meetings with a Head of Year and parents.

I'm a maths teacher, and I can't remember the last time I had a meeting with a HOY and parents (or even brought parents into school, certainly before covid which put a general end to that expectation).

Perhaps if you do it all the time you might be more amenable to a suggestion which fucks up the end of the day for not just you, but another member of staff as well. I think it's one of those things that should certainly not be encouraged from a workload perspective.

spidereggs · 24/05/2023 21:31

I agree @JayJayEl especially when this is a structure the school have created.

If he does well across the board, responds well to a school points system, something is not working with this class. So yes, i would be rainy concerns in writing, but not necessarily as a complaint, more a written request for further information and clarification as to what is going wrong.

Motorcycleemptyness · 24/05/2023 21:32

Madamecastafiore · 24/05/2023 21:30

I did also wonder if it was because she was female that he had no respect for her.

Show quote history

Weird, we just typed the comments along the same lines at the same time!

Definitely getting a hideous whiff of misogyny from this situation.

SundaynightattheLondon · 24/05/2023 21:33

7eleven · 24/05/2023 20:16

I think it’s quite clear where this boy gets his attitude from 🙄

I wholeheartedly concur (and I taught in secondary for more than 30 years). Do you trot out “personality clash” too, OP? Get a grip of yourself and of your son.

Alargeoneplease89 · 24/05/2023 21:33

HarrietJet · 24/05/2023 19:39

What's the basis of your complaint? You admit he's a arrogant gobshite full of attitude, who claims "there's no point in being good (!)" unless he gets a pat on the head for it?
Who's fault do you really think this is?!

This!

Original poster
NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 21:37

@coffeerevelsrule absolutely sure. His English teacher & History teacher couldn't praise him enough at parent/teacher meetings. His RE teacher says he's working at A level theology standard with his critical thinking & essay writing. He's involved in school production, is a safe haven ambassador, is part of the Cafod young leaders.... he's genuinely a good kid.

I said he can be those things - which he is some of the time. Not all of those things all of the time.

As for the female teacher aspect - most of his teachers are female. The maths teacher isn't a young teacher & I can't simply speak to he head of department because she is the head of department.

There was an opportunity recently to go to a maths challenge at another local school - it's a competition that tests the best & brightest... she didn't pick him to go. He was gutted. It's moments like that one that make him feel like it's a personal grudge.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 24/05/2023 21:40

Sounds like your son made a bad impression and can't shift his reputation.

Rather than complaining, I think he should move class, but remain in higher exam for grades.

He definitely needs to reflect on his behaviour as he now 15 years old.

momonpurpose · 24/05/2023 21:40

Lostinalibrary · 24/05/2023 20:20

Seeing a strong link between his attitude and yours. You both sound exhausting. I bet they are sick of him no doubt his peers are too.

I was thinking the same thing. If this was my son I'd come down on his behavior like a ton of bricks

Motorcycleemptyness · 24/05/2023 21:41

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 21:37

@coffeerevelsrule absolutely sure. His English teacher & History teacher couldn't praise him enough at parent/teacher meetings. His RE teacher says he's working at A level theology standard with his critical thinking & essay writing. He's involved in school production, is a safe haven ambassador, is part of the Cafod young leaders.... he's genuinely a good kid.

I said he can be those things - which he is some of the time. Not all of those things all of the time.

As for the female teacher aspect - most of his teachers are female. The maths teacher isn't a young teacher & I can't simply speak to he head of department because she is the head of department.

There was an opportunity recently to go to a maths challenge at another local school - it's a competition that tests the best & brightest... she didn't pick him to go. He was gutted. It's moments like that one that make him feel like it's a personal grudge.

I mean, he can’t be trusted to behave and treat his teachers with respect. He doesn’t sound like the ‘best and the brightest’. Why would school want him to represent them?

Sorry OP, but time to face the music. He’s being a dick, and as a parent you need to call him out on it. You might be pandered to if you complain but you’re doing your son a massive disservice by turning him into a tosspot. Time to parent your child.

3girls1boy1puppy · 24/05/2023 21:41

All High School pupils will come across Teachers who they don’t get on with. I certainly had many over the years. What they don’t need is their parents running in and trying to “deal” with the situation for them. It is a life lesson that needs to be learnt before adulthood. How will he cope with a shit boss in the future if you always run in to solve issues with Teachers for him. Will you also email the company manager if he boss doesn’t praise him when he’s 25? Back off and let him deal with it himself. Save your emails to the school only for serious complaints.

noblegiraffe · 24/05/2023 21:41

There was an opportunity recently to go to a maths challenge at another local school - it's a competition that tests the best & brightest... she didn't pick him to go. He was gutted. It's moments like that one that make him feel like it's a personal grudge.

Or the natural consequences of his poor behaviour?

I do hope you pointed that out to him.

Pickle23 · 24/05/2023 21:41

Hi
Why is everyone so angry? Is it a full moon? Everyone appears to be judging negatively when I have taken it that her son is likely not perfect, normally does well in class particularly maths but now is not. She has not mentioned any other teachers complain about his behaviour. Do you not think if he was that bad others would have complained. I believe teachers etc. have to remain professional but I think sometimes personalities just clash. I think she should politely request a meeting given school also opportunity to raise concerns if any and if needed they can change his class. I agree he needs to know this cannot happen every time he has a problem, but I think there could be more to this as not occurring in all lessons.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 24/05/2023 21:42

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Guavafish1 · 24/05/2023 21:42

I think you're right, personality clash. It's best he moves class. I'm sure he will thrive with a new teacher.

noblegiraffe · 24/05/2023 21:43

His English teacher & History teacher couldn't praise him enough at parent/teacher meetings. His RE teacher says he's working at A level theology standard with his critical thinking & essay writing.

And perhaps in those more mixed ability classes his disruptive behaviour doesn't stand out as much as it does in top set maths?

ChrisPPancake · 24/05/2023 21:43

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 21:37

@coffeerevelsrule absolutely sure. His English teacher & History teacher couldn't praise him enough at parent/teacher meetings. His RE teacher says he's working at A level theology standard with his critical thinking & essay writing. He's involved in school production, is a safe haven ambassador, is part of the Cafod young leaders.... he's genuinely a good kid.

I said he can be those things - which he is some of the time. Not all of those things all of the time.

As for the female teacher aspect - most of his teachers are female. The maths teacher isn't a young teacher & I can't simply speak to he head of department because she is the head of department.

There was an opportunity recently to go to a maths challenge at another local school - it's a competition that tests the best & brightest... she didn't pick him to go. He was gutted. It's moments like that one that make him feel like it's a personal grudge.

There was an opportunity recently to go to a maths challenge at another local school - it's a competition that tests the best & brightest... she didn't pick him to go. He was gutted. It's moments like that one that make him feel like it's a personal grudge.

I mean he's top set, not too student. In that situation with the school "on show", would you really take a kid prone to mucking about? Or ones with a track record of decent behaviour. I think your reaching to take that one personally tbh.

MichelleScarn · 24/05/2023 21:44

noblegiraffe · 24/05/2023 21:41

There was an opportunity recently to go to a maths challenge at another local school - it's a competition that tests the best & brightest... she didn't pick him to go. He was gutted. It's moments like that one that make him feel like it's a personal grudge.

Or the natural consequences of his poor behaviour?

I do hope you pointed that out to him.

Also that he may not be brightest and best! Not a teacher, but can't imagine they'd want to risk taking someone who behaves like he does out of school as an example of their pupils!

Notanotheruser111 · 24/05/2023 21:44

It sounds like both the teacher and your son are seeing things that confirm their original opinions of each other. Ie the teacher only notices the negetive behaviour because it reinforces her opinion. Your son is attributing every choice to the fact “she hates him”. Thus creating a bit of a self fufilling prophecy.

when your son asks what’s the point. It’s a good opening for a talk on intrinsic motivation and also not giving a fuck about how someone sees him. Because in real life you often won’t get rewarded or praised for going above and beyond but it still has value

ChrisPPancake · 24/05/2023 21:45

*toP student.

Startwithamimosa · 24/05/2023 21:45

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Quveas · 24/05/2023 21:46

So basically, your son should be praised and rewarded for acting appropriately, and if he isn't then he sees no point in doing so. This isn't a teacher problem, it;s a parent problem.

HereBeFuckery · 24/05/2023 21:46

I wouldn't send him to that competition either - he doesn't have the maturity to take part. He isn't showing his maths teacher that he is the best and the brightest, because the best and brightest students behave respectfully all the time. If they ever put a toe out of line, they apologise and take responsibility. I had this recently with a fantastically bright chap in my Y11 class - consistently polite, respectful, mature and thoughtful. He had a moment, lost his cool and said something silly to another student. He instantly regretted it, did a shocked-Pikachu face at his own impulsivity, apologised profusely to me, the other student and the class and owned it. I admired that.

Your son might be good at tests, but he's not bright enough to understand the repercussions of his actions. That's the kind of intelligence that will actually make a genuine difference to his life.

So, he has an opportunity to develop this maturity and intelligent approach to his own education. I hope you support him to see this.