To make my complaint about this teacher more formal

[NotTonightDeidre]

DS, 15, Y10 is really disliked by his maths teacher. It's quite obvious in the way he's treated in class (only a handful of negatives overall this year, mainly from her, not a single positive award point from her) and by how she speaks about him (on the phone/parents evening).

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory) but on the whole he tends to save the worst of the attitude for home.

He's a bright kid, top sets across the board & is quite often top of his classes.

I had a meeting earlier in the year with the maths teacher & DS' head of year to discuss the behaviour - it was things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption but I agree, it needs to be addressed. I explained that DS thrives on praise (I hate it, but the school system created that monster) & that she'd get a far better response if she could acknowledge when he's doing well/catch him being good. I also spoke to DS & told him that he needed to sort his self out & put the effort in. As far as I'm aware, he did for a while - I was seeing fewer negatives coming through but still no positive recognition.

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice".

Now, DH thinks rather than have another discussion we should put our concerns in writing so they have to be addressed. I think he's overreacting a little but then I've also seen DS go from a child who loved maths to one who doesn't even want to go to the lessons. He's even asked to get moved down a set so he can have a different teacher (and it's not because he's struggling, he's been entered for further maths & statistics alongside his regular maths GCSEs).

Would appreciate thoughts from all angles.

I would give him a reality check.

He don't have to like his teacher. He does have to be a respectful. That includes not being disruptive and impacting on the teachers ability to teach and his classmates ability to learn. If he messes around he is only ruining his own chances. The teacher actually has achieved her qualifications and while she would like him to do his best if he chosses to piss about its inconsequential for her.

I wouldn't bother complaining at this stage. He has 7ish weeks left at school this academic year. Hopefully, he will start next year with a better attitude, a different teacher and make a fresh start.

It sounds like he is a good student. If he actually applies himself he could achieve good grades. It might be worth helping him create a revision timetable for the summer holiday. A few hours study a day won't hurt him.

I’d personally arrange a final meeting with the teacher, head of year and perhaps a head of department if possible so you can discuss changing classes if this is what he and you both want.

God, the workload involved here.

Incidentally, moving sets at this point in Y10 wouldn't necessarily be easy. At my school that would mean not doing the extra maths GCSEs as they are for top set only. It would also involve having to switch with a student from set 2 as there are no spare seats and suggesting that a set 2 kid move at this point in the course and potentially pick up two extra GCSEs might not be possible.

I've known plenty of well behaved, thoughtful 15 year old boys.

It's absolutely not ok to accept his poor behaviour because of his age and sex.

He needs to show some respect to his teachers, then he may get some respect back. In a few years he'll be out in the big world and his arrogance won't be accepted.

YABU - and any teacher/head of year will think you're crazy for complaining.

I've known plenty of well behaved, thoughtful 15 year old boys

Indeed. A 'boys will be boys' attitude regarding crap behaviour does no one any favours.

Does a teacher really have to praise every single 15year old for basically doing what they are supposed to do anyway. ie not be disruptive.
Your son is not 2.

He needs to get a grip and grow up.
Stop pandering to his bad behaviour.

I really think that sitting quietly and paying attention for an hour is worthy of praise at 5 years old but at 15 it's a basic standard.

If its praise he wants then he needs to work harder and do something worth praising him for. Simply not misbehaving for an hour isn't enough, not at his age. I'd be having a sit down with him and explain that his behaviour is not up to snuff and that I expect to see some effort on his part.

You want to complain about a teacher because they're not striking your sons ego? He sounds like a spoilt brat. If he wants praise, he should behave and act like a good person, and he might get it. He's going to struggle in life if he doesn't grasp this soon

Not all teachers are lovely not all children are lovely. Personality clashes happen. I wouldn't complain I'd just ask that he gets moved into a different set with a different teacher in the hope that things improve.

Christ on a bike no wonder teachers are quitting in droves

Usually merits/positive behaviour points are used a lot for Year 7s who set a lot of store by them, but they've usually grown out of needing that by age 15. I can't imagine my 16 year old complaining about not getting them or thinking there's no point behaving if she doesn't get recognition for it.

This.

Exactly. He's learning for him and his future, not for anyone else. He wants praise for doing what he's supposed to be doing!! What all the other kids are doing anyway! 🙄

It’s probably a bit more complicated than that 😊

We had this with one of ours, well sort of it wasn't a teacher not liking him just that I think he was considered bright and capable and never got praise for anything. We raised it with the school, one issue was he had an older sibling who was "golden" and got compared with him. Teachers listened and it quickly turned things round.

Take no notice of the nasty comments on here, it is pretty miserable if someone takes against you and yes I'd raise it with the school. He's still a child and he should get praise for what goes well just like anyone else. People don't seem to notice it is just one teacher so who is to say he is the problem?

Perhaps the teacher is aware that if a child becomes dependent on praise they’re going to struggle when they don’t get any. Surely you don’t want your son to spend his life trying to be a people pleaser, not making an effort if he thinks he won’t receive any praise. Encouragement works better, encourage him to improve his behaviour in class, explain to him the negative effect his behaviour could be having on other children in his class, working hard is for his sense of achievement and self worth.

It's annoying, but kids are allowed to be a bit arrogant, aren't they? If he's in the top stream then he might get a bit bigheaded. I know I did. His teacher should not be showing her annoyance with him. She has to be firm but professional. I agree with you DH's suggestions.

This. Your post made me despair. You need to use the time spent writing the letter to teach your son basic manners and respect for other people. You are that parent! And no, being arrogant and rude isn't part of the territory for fifteen year olds - raise your standards.

I think you are being a bit ridiculous. You told her to praise him and 'catch him being good' but doesn't that assume he does things that are worthy of praise?

Maybe, in her lessons, he doesn't. Maybe it's impossible to 'catch him being good' because he's a permanent PITA.

I mean, how hard can it be to shut the fuck up and do your work, head down, no disruption? She can't criticise him if he's doing what he's supposed to be doing, so tell him to do that.

Contacting the school to essentially say 'my son is demoralised because he's always being told off in maths' is going to a yield one very obvious result and it won't be the one you want.

@NotTonightDeidre

'The basis of my complaint is that she consistently singles him out for negative reasons'

Are you sure he behaves the same in this lesson as in the ones where he is well liked? Perhaps he singles this teacher out with his arrogance and disruptive behaviour and she is sanctioning him to protect the other kids in the classroom. NB: this does happen, hence the doom-phrase 'he/she is fine for me' which signals the death knell of any teacher conversation.

I can easily bring to mind multiple 15 year old boys and girls who pick and choose where to behave and where to act like little sods often boys who behave worse for female teachers.

It isn't just that though is it. I mean do you like it if you boss says, "Thanks Susie, that was a great piece of work." You're a grown up but it is nice if someone shows appreciation if you do well. It is particularly hard if others get praise for the same thing. How would you feel if your boss never commented on the good stuff but went out of his way to criticise the slightest thing you got wrong, maybe even ignoring Brenda who has really messed up?

They've probably both got stuck in this and something has to change on both sides.

Interesting that you’re talking about a boy, and his maths teacher is female, your son is disrespectful of your requests of his behaviour, and it’s your husband who wants to make a complaint. Sounds like the males in your family have a problem with female authority.

And further, that it’s in maths, a subject which is stereotypically seen as a “male” area.

Sure, it is extra workload but the current situation isn’t working for the child (who is at risk of not fulfilling his potential and hating a subject he thrives at) or their teacher - or the rest of the class, crucially and unfairly, if he’s disruptive. I’m an English teacher (so I really get workload!) and regularly have meetings with a Head of Year and parents. They take less than 20 minutes on average and I personally think they can be far more productive than other forms of communication - granted, the previous one didn’t seem to be. But I’ll sacrifice 20 minutes after school any day if it means addressing poor behaviour or/and a kid hating being in my classroom.

If he’s in a school where logistics mean this isn’t possible as you suggest, that’s fair enough: a report card may then be more appropriate. This takes seconds for me to fill in at the end of the lesson as it’s based on a number system with space for an optional comment. It works well with kids who downplay how disruptive they actually are.

On the 'he's fine in other lessons' thing, are you absolutely sure? I'm a teacher and have been told many a time by parents/SLT that a particular student only has a problem with me, but it's seldom been the case. How stringent are other teachers about logging incidents? Because I know in my school many are not, probably because they're too exhausted and know that even if they do log them parents like the OP will find a defence for their darlings. Recently, I was told by one boy that I hate him and he only has an issue in my lessons. I checked our behaviour log and it was true that only me and another female teacher had ever logged anything. Then I arranged a meeting with his mum and emailed all his teachers asking for feedback. Several emailed with a list of complaints about him - many were far harsher than I had even anticipated. One said he had disrupted every single pupil in every single lesson he had ever been in! I'm not saying OP's son is as bad, but not all teachers approach behaviour, use of systems and contacting home in the same way, unfortunately. A maths teacher will see him pretty much every day, along with English teachers, and therefore complaints from those two subjects are far more likely as those teachers get no respite from these 'gobshites'!

If I had a pound for every time a member of SLT told me a child only had a problem in my subject/department, just for them to end up with a grade 3 or even 4 from us and 1s and 2s everywhere else, I wouldn't still need to be bloody teaching!

@NotTonightDeidre

Woah - some of these responses are awful! @NotTonightDeidre Don't listen to those saying positive behaviour shouldn't be acknowledged/rewarded. Nor all the bullshit about "the real world". Your son is 15, he is a child. School life and the teenage years - plus all the difficulties that surround becoming a young person - ARE the real world. And it is in that real world that your son will be testing boundaries and struggling with authority, especially if he is bored/distracted. He's still learning, for christ's sake!

One particular poster mentioned that he is being treated "like any other human adult in the real world". Except he's not an adult. He is a child/teenager, and behaving like a child/teenager would should their progress and achievements not be recognised and/or celebrated.

Then there is all the bullshit about hand holding, teachers not pandering to 15 year olds and (my favourite) "a 15 year old shouldn't need praise to behave" - EVERYBODY needs to be praised at some point, even adults at work. And every person's needs are different. Some people just need a pat on the back, some a small word, some need regular positive feedback in order to keep moving forward.

All that being said, I think that you still need to be coming down hard on your son. It sounds like his behaviour is in response to this particular teacher, but regardless of the reasons behind it, his behaviour is not acceptable. Hopefully raising a more formal complaint will mean that you, the school, the teacher, and (most importantly) your son, are able to work together in tackling these issues.

Good luck to you and your family!

I think the logical thing to do is ask for him to be moved to a different class, even if it means a lower set.