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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let other people feed my FF baby?

461 replies

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 17:21

MIL especially is always angling to do it under the guise of being helpful when but not helpful like change a nappy, make a cup of tea or take out rubbish etc.

If I had been able to breastfeed, then it would always be me and I really love doing it.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 23/05/2023 19:53

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 18:37

I get on really well with them actually.

Sadly, they don’t give a shit about my children as I breast fed them.

I genuinely feel really bad for all the breast fed babies who have grandparents who don’t love them because of it.

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I'm hoping you're being facetious but just in case you're really serious with that comment both our two were breastfed and still managed to create a wonderful relationship with their grandparents!

Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:54

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:51

@Sandylanes69 really? Why? It’s my child. Grandparents aren’t entitled to their grandchildren if they aren’t nice to their parents.

It's selfish and horrible to sabotage your child's relationship with her grandparents.

Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:54

@Sceptre86 no but if I was self invited staying with someone after they’d had major surgery then yes, I would help with the not so fun chores

OP posts:
Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:55

@Sandylanes69 im not sabotaging their relationship because I’d rather feed my own baby. I am letting them stay multiple times while I’m recovering, the first time I was 10 days post c section in order for them to meet and get to know my baby. I’d rather just do the feeding.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 23/05/2023 19:56

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 18:50

@WheelsUp 9 weeks and in laws are on their second visit. It’s different as we live a 5 hour drive so they stay with us, it’s very intense and creates more work. My parents also stay but are self aware and really want to make my life easier.

DH can of course but even then I don’t like it. Our baby struggles to latch and it’s frustrating watching people clumsily shove the bottle in their mouth.

I always have a quiet laugh on threads like this at how her in-laws are evil and his in-laws are marvelous, I'd love to know the reality.

Redebs · 23/05/2023 19:56

I get it completely OP. Feeding your baby is such a personal and intimate experience, even if it's a bottle. Good on you for keeping it special between you. Your mother-in-law should be pleased that you have such strong maternal feelings.

pictoosh · 23/05/2023 19:56

As much as I agree the OP is being selfish, she's hardly 'sabotaging' the relationship with the grandparents. Don't be so dramatic.

user1472831787898799 · 23/05/2023 19:57

Ultimately it's up to you, but one bottle in the grand scheme of things is nothing.
My midwife also told me only to let me and DH feed DD to start with which I just politely nodded and agreed to. By this point numerous visitors had fed her and my Mum had given her about half of her bottles as she loved doing it. In fact she gave her the very first bottle in hospital!
I thought it was lovely that people wanted to give her bottles and when she was having 8 a day, I really wasn't missing out on that experience! Yes she was my baby, but she was something to other family members too, and I saw it as the more people that cared for her the better.

Billyho · 23/05/2023 19:58

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:51

@Sandylanes69 really? Why? It’s my child. Grandparents aren’t entitled to their grandchildren if they aren’t nice to their parents.

The child is also your DHs, it’s not yours exclusively!

PainAuChocowhat · 23/05/2023 19:59

DingsBum · 23/05/2023 18:23

Well... biologically speaking that's completely normal. We are a "carry species" - our babies are meant to go everywhere with us at first! I get that this doesn't translate well into modern society but it is biological fact even if we find it inconvenient.

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There’s a book called “Mothers and Others” which argues that modern humans could never have evolved if mothers had been required to raise their offspring on their own. I think anthropologists now accept the importance not just of parents but also of “alloparents” such as grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and older siblings in early human societies.

Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:59

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:55

@Sandylanes69 im not sabotaging their relationship because I’d rather feed my own baby. I am letting them stay multiple times while I’m recovering, the first time I was 10 days post c section in order for them to meet and get to know my baby. I’d rather just do the feeding.

You're inventing reasons for gatekeeping their relationship.

zurala · 23/05/2023 19:59

YANBU OP. No one other than me ever fed my babies and I didn't want anyone else to. I've no idea why people are so het up about this, especially as your baby is struggling with feeding. No one has the right to feed someone else's baby. They can be helpful in other ways (or not) but you do what feels right for you and your baby. They will get over it.

Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 20:00

@Sandylanes69 something tells me you’re a MIL…

OP posts:
Nutellaontoastmmm · 23/05/2023 20:01

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I can understand your pov.

Babies get treated like dolls to pass around and everyone to take a turn. But only the nice bits like sleepy cuddles or feeding a bottle. Although there's no real harm it isn't really if any benefit to the baby.

Often the mum is exhausted and just needs time and peace and quiet to bond with the baby.

It's in no way the same as a 5 year old who can have a relationship with Gran and grandad in their own right.

The other side of it is plenty of grandparents are there for the newborn cuddles, the selfies holding the baby, having a go at a feed but as soon as the kid wants granny to actually play with them granny is nowhere to be seen.

Billyho · 23/05/2023 20:01

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 20:00

@Sandylanes69 something tells me you’re a MIL…

Something tells me you’re one of those DILs!

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 23/05/2023 20:01

PainAuChocowhat · 23/05/2023 19:59

There’s a book called “Mothers and Others” which argues that modern humans could never have evolved if mothers had been required to raise their offspring on their own. I think anthropologists now accept the importance not just of parents but also of “alloparents” such as grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and older siblings in early human societies.

Show quote history

And there are other books on attachment parenting that state the opposite

Newnamenewname109870 · 23/05/2023 20:01

elm26 · 23/05/2023 17:37

I've literally just come home with my newborn. The midwife who came to chat to me and sign her off before I left actually said to me that it's important that it's just me and DH who feed her for the first week at least so she associates us with food and comfort. Congratulations OP x

This. You’re doing nothing wrong op!!! Stop letting others make you feel guilty. Like you said, if she wanted to be helpful she can do other things. newborn bonding is natural and important for you.

lalalalalalaleeee · 23/05/2023 20:03

You don't want anyone else to give your baby a bottle??????

Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 20:03

@Billyho a DIL who would like boundaries with an overbearing MIL? Yesssss, it’s me!

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 23/05/2023 20:04

This is actually why I stuck with breastfeeding (I was lucky that it worked for me but I’d never been sure I would do it). It was the one thing only I could do and I really wanted to make sure I had that bond. You are the mum. No one can bully you into giving up your newborn.

They can help later with feeding.

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 20:04

JudgeJ · 23/05/2023 19:53

I'm hoping you're being facetious but just in case you're really serious with that comment both our two were breastfed and still managed to create a wonderful relationship with their grandparents!

Show quote history

Of course I was jesting 😂

It was in response to another poster who basically said that if the grandparent can’t give a bottle to the baby how can OP ever expect them to love the baby or give a shit about it.

Both my children were also breastfed and have wonderful relationships with all their grandparents, despite them never having fed my babies a bottle. It’s madness I know 😂

BodleyAnne · 23/05/2023 20:04

I bottle fed all my babies. I did 99% of it, and loved it, but was also happy to give other people a turn if they were there and asked. It did no harm to the babies, and it made the person doing the feeding feel all warm and fuzzy. I don't see a problem with that.

Newnamenewname109870 · 23/05/2023 20:05

lalalalalalaleeee · 23/05/2023 20:03

You don't want anyone else to give your baby a bottle??????

As a tiny baby. You’re actually not supposed to pass a newborn around to everyone to feed.

BusyCaz · 23/05/2023 20:05

As another poster said, have you checked if baby has a tongue tie? It may be hindering her latch with the teat?

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 20:06

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 19:53

She isn't gatekeeping?! She's already allowed them to come and stay in her home!

Fucking hell this thread is BATSHIT

Op take no notice.

I don’t think BATSHIT is a strong enough word!!! 😂