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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let other people feed my FF baby?

461 replies

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 17:21

MIL especially is always angling to do it under the guise of being helpful when but not helpful like change a nappy, make a cup of tea or take out rubbish etc.

If I had been able to breastfeed, then it would always be me and I really love doing it.

OP posts:
BigglyBee · 23/05/2023 20:26

Redebs · 23/05/2023 20:14

How aggressive people are about this!

A mother feeling protective and wanting to feed her own baby is perfectly fine. No need to throw around accusations and insults.

Yes, this. Wanting the same bond as a breastfeeding mother is totally normal.

whattodo22222 · 23/05/2023 20:33

Your baby your choice. I breastfed so no one else fed my baby until she was about 12 weeks and feeding was well established. Even then, I'd say I've done 99% of the feeds. She has lovely attachments to other family members at one year old.

ilovepixie · 23/05/2023 20:34

It's such a shame your babies granny isn't allowed to give their grandchild a bottle. I hope when your a granny your daughter in law isn't as mean.

Confusion101 · 23/05/2023 20:34

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 20:00

@Sandylanes69 something tells me you’re a MIL…

As you will be some day presumably..... Would you like to feed your hypothetical future grandchildren?

You could let them feed the baby and use that time to make yourself tea or take out the bin yourself, no?

In all honesty I do find it a little strange you don't even like when the child's father feeds them their bottle! He'll never learn the technique if you don't let him.

TeaParty4Me · 23/05/2023 20:35

YABU

I absolutely love feeding a baby either by giving them a bottle or spoon feeding them when they’re older, it’s one of the best things you can do with a baby.
So I would definitely ask to do it if someone I know had a baby.

But I do not like changing nappies so there’s no way I would be offering to do that.

If someone is holding your baby and feeding them that frees you up to have a cup of tea or something that you wouldn’t be able to do whilst feeding a baby.

ilovepixie · 23/05/2023 20:35

Newhomenewstart · 23/05/2023 17:26

I promise with baby number 2 you'll be throwing the baby at whoever will take it

GrinGrinGrin

Nutellaontoastmmm · 23/05/2023 20:35

It can also be hard as a new mum the way other people hold and burp the baby. I'm not at all saying that no other adult is capable of holding a newborn, but the instinct the mum has is strong.

I sometimes think mils would do well to try and understand how their dils might be feeling, as people and as exhausted new mums themselves not just as an incubator for the grandchild. Rather than simply trying to take the baby to have a go,

Maybe asking questions such as "how could I be of help"

"How are you feeling"

Rowen32 · 23/05/2023 20:37

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 17:21

MIL especially is always angling to do it under the guise of being helpful when but not helpful like change a nappy, make a cup of tea or take out rubbish etc.

If I had been able to breastfeed, then it would always be me and I really love doing it.

If you want to be the only one who feeds your baby that's totally fine. I breastfeed and I love that baby knows it's always me who feeds them and I think it's a lovely thing for the two of us to have so if you want it why not...its your baby, you don't have to meet anyone else's expectations if you don't want to

Selfietaker · 23/05/2023 20:37

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/05/2023 20:23

Well, then women can't have it both ways can they?

They can't push the father out, believe they have the final say and 'let' them feed the baby or whatever it is on their own terms but then magically, 3 years and 2 years later when they are overwhelmed with a toddler and a baby suddenly expect the father to be equally involved and pull their own weight when it comes to caring for the children.

Show quote history

Why are you talking about the father when the thread is about a grandmother?

I do agree it's wise to involve dad and promote the bond between him and baby from an early stage. Though this doesn't have to involve feeding - it can be bathing, reading, pacing up and down, playing. A new mum wanting to care for her baby and ensure he feeds well and has that time with her is not necessarily a new mum who can't support her partner's bond with the child, you know!

Selfietaker · 23/05/2023 20:38

TeaParty4Me · 23/05/2023 20:35

YABU

I absolutely love feeding a baby either by giving them a bottle or spoon feeding them when they’re older, it’s one of the best things you can do with a baby.
So I would definitely ask to do it if someone I know had a baby.

But I do not like changing nappies so there’s no way I would be offering to do that.

If someone is holding your baby and feeding them that frees you up to have a cup of tea or something that you wouldn’t be able to do whilst feeding a baby.

That's interesting. It's all about what you want. You should expect the new mum to take you up on the offer only if it is in line with what they want.

oliveandwell · 23/05/2023 20:38

I couldn't breastfeed, but wanted to. And I found watching other people feed my baby absolutely excruciating.

I did let both his grandmother's feed him on occasion because I didn't want to be difficult, but I actually still find it upsetting to think about.

I was still pumping and watching them feed him would make my boobs leak and feel painful.

It did pass by about 12 weeks but I actually wish I'd have just said how much it upset me because they probably would have understood.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/05/2023 20:42

Selfietaker · 23/05/2023 20:37

Why are you talking about the father when the thread is about a grandmother?

I do agree it's wise to involve dad and promote the bond between him and baby from an early stage. Though this doesn't have to involve feeding - it can be bathing, reading, pacing up and down, playing. A new mum wanting to care for her baby and ensure he feeds well and has that time with her is not necessarily a new mum who can't support her partner's bond with the child, you know!

Show quote history

Because she has also mentioned she doesn't like it when her husband feeds baby and my previous comment was about some of the language used in this thread such as ''let'' the father feed the baby ''sometimes'' like he should be grateful for any scraps he gets with his own baby.

If DH agrees that it doesn't have to involve feeding, fair enough. But he also gets a say because its also his baby.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 23/05/2023 20:44

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 17:21

MIL especially is always angling to do it under the guise of being helpful when but not helpful like change a nappy, make a cup of tea or take out rubbish etc.

If I had been able to breastfeed, then it would always be me and I really love doing it.

YANBU. You don't have to do anything that you are not ready for.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 20:45

@Sandylanes69

Mil being selfish, not op.

Op in future just tell them to stay in a hotel.

If she can't stay in your home without not even clearing up after herself and being overbearing then tell her to do one.

It just be a simple case of you telling her "Thanks for the offer, but me and DH will be doing the feeds, but if you wish to help in other ways there are plenty" and once mil been told once she should shut up about it.

Yes she has a right to feel upset- everyone's feelings are valid- but she had her chance to parent her children HER way and now it's op's chance to parent her child in her own way. And op being the one who has just given birth, her feelings and physical health trump everyone else's bar the baby itself, who incidentally isn't benefiting by being fed by the MIL.

elliejjtiny · 23/05/2023 20:46

Yanbu. I was happy for dh and our sons to give the baby his bottle but nobody else when they are little. My mil gave my 4th bottles occasionally but only after he was 10 months and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

Tumbler2121 · 23/05/2023 20:47

Haven't read all of this thread but it's your baby. It's such a short time they are little, don't allow anyone into your home that tries to bully you.
if they really want to be hands on, perhaps they could change a really smelly nappy?

true story.. when I came home from hospital with my first baby MIL had her up and down the street showing her off before I was even out of the taxi!

bussteward · 23/05/2023 20:49

TeaParty4Me · 23/05/2023 20:35

YABU

I absolutely love feeding a baby either by giving them a bottle or spoon feeding them when they’re older, it’s one of the best things you can do with a baby.
So I would definitely ask to do it if someone I know had a baby.

But I do not like changing nappies so there’s no way I would be offering to do that.

If someone is holding your baby and feeding them that frees you up to have a cup of tea or something that you wouldn’t be able to do whilst feeding a baby.

Why doesn’t OP get to do the feeding, since it’s one of the best things you can do with a baby? The kind thing to do when someone has a baby, is knackered and post surgery, is offer to do nappies / winding / settling / whatever so the mum can have a rest and get the energy to enjoy the best parts of having a baby, not elbow in to do the fun stuff and leave the knackered mum doing the nappies.

Lollipop25 · 23/05/2023 20:52

Absolutely Not Unreasonable, it’s your baby, if your preference is to give the baby the bottle, then you do it. Cannot understand why people would have a problem with it, I absolutely hated watching my MIL hold my babies ( have 3 kids), twisting them every direction🙄. Don’t get me started on other people wanting to change your baby’s nappy, why?? I don’t let anyone do that either only my husband , and I don’t leave her with anyone only my husband and she’s 15 months, You do what you’re comfortable with and don’t give another thought to anyone else’s opinion , it is not your job to keep them happy.

Billyho · 23/05/2023 20:55

Lollipop25 · 23/05/2023 20:52

Absolutely Not Unreasonable, it’s your baby, if your preference is to give the baby the bottle, then you do it. Cannot understand why people would have a problem with it, I absolutely hated watching my MIL hold my babies ( have 3 kids), twisting them every direction🙄. Don’t get me started on other people wanting to change your baby’s nappy, why?? I don’t let anyone do that either only my husband , and I don’t leave her with anyone only my husband and she’s 15 months, You do what you’re comfortable with and don’t give another thought to anyone else’s opinion , it is not your job to keep them happy.

Op is upset that MIL doesn’t change the nappies! I wonder how your DH survived with MIL twisting him every way 🙄

Billyho · 23/05/2023 20:56

Lollipop25 · 23/05/2023 20:52

Absolutely Not Unreasonable, it’s your baby, if your preference is to give the baby the bottle, then you do it. Cannot understand why people would have a problem with it, I absolutely hated watching my MIL hold my babies ( have 3 kids), twisting them every direction🙄. Don’t get me started on other people wanting to change your baby’s nappy, why?? I don’t let anyone do that either only my husband , and I don’t leave her with anyone only my husband and she’s 15 months, You do what you’re comfortable with and don’t give another thought to anyone else’s opinion , it is not your job to keep them happy.

Does your DH get a say in any of this? Or is it just your rules?

Miscellaneousme · 23/05/2023 20:59

Your baby, your rules OP. Absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to do all the feeding. Formula/bottle feeding doesn’t give everyone a free pass to get in on feeding if it’s not what you want.

PainAuChocowhat · 23/05/2023 21:00

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 23/05/2023 20:01

And there are other books on attachment parenting that state the opposite

Show quote history

Well quite - there are a lot of books on the scientific notion of attachment theory, which explores the value of multiple consistent, sensitively responsive caregivers on the creation of secure attachments in babies & children, while accepting that the primary caregiver will typically be the mother. Which pretty much backs up the concept of alloparenting.

Attachment parenting, on the other hand, is not a scientific theory, and there is no evidence it is proven to be related to creation of a secure attachment so personally I’d take those books with a pinch of proverbial salt.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/05/2023 21:01

bussteward · 23/05/2023 20:49

Why doesn’t OP get to do the feeding, since it’s one of the best things you can do with a baby? The kind thing to do when someone has a baby, is knackered and post surgery, is offer to do nappies / winding / settling / whatever so the mum can have a rest and get the energy to enjoy the best parts of having a baby, not elbow in to do the fun stuff and leave the knackered mum doing the nappies.

Show quote history

She does get to do the feeding, the vast majority of them. This is only MIL's 2nd visit in 9 weeks since OP's baby was born since they live far away.

She's hardly visiting day after day stealing the bottle out of her hands.

Hello12345678910 · 23/05/2023 21:01

Haven't read any of the other comments (because cba)
But I don't think your being unreasonable

Your little one is 9 weeks?? - of course you want to feed her!! Enjoy it while she's still so tiny - in a few months you'll be ready (I guarantee it).
My baby is 13 months now but my MIL drove me absolutely crackers with the "let me hold him so you can have a break" - I didnt bloody want "a break" 😡 she still says it now but phrased differently now he moves about. I'd like "a break" from not having to bloody host her to be honest!!

CoffeeLover90 · 23/05/2023 21:02

I hope you're OK OP ❤
I'm not actually shocked to read that people have different opinions. Some seem in shock that you enjoy feeding the baby.
I also FF and it was very rare I let anyone feed him in the first few months. It was my favourite time. He's almost 4 now and I long for those moments he'd snuggle in, the cute little noises, his tiny hand clutching my finger.
Maybe I was selfish not sharing but they all got those moments with their own babies. These were my moments with mine.
I think @Nutellaontoastmmm had it absolutely bang on. They all want the cuddles and bottle feeds, no offers to help with poo explosions, bedtime or the never ending games when they're older.
Take your moments and treasure them because before you know it, they'll be grown.