Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is too busy to come to my baby’s burial

144 replies

TryingToGrieve · 23/05/2023 14:38

My baby was stillborn. I’m being contacted by bereavement midwives about arranging a burial (I can’t face thought of a cremation) and some sort of service, even just a graveside one. Yet my family are not really up for it. My dad got quite angry when I asked him and said he’s not retired yet and can’t be taking time off work for a baby he never even met. He said not to ask my brother and sister-in-law either as it would be unfair to expect them to take time off work.

AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 23/05/2023 14:44

I am so sorry for your loss. Your Dad is awful and I would be so hurt if I were you and of course you are upset.

strawberriesarenot · 23/05/2023 14:44

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your father sounds an absolute arse.

I don't know if you're being unreasonable, but I would be very unreasonable if I were you. Also I wouldn't want anyone like your father at the funeral of anyone I cared about.

RoseslnTheHospital · 23/05/2023 14:44

Of course you're not unreasonable to be upset. Attending a funeral is just as much about supporting you as it is saying goodbye to your baby. I can't believe how cruel that comment from your Dad is.

WonkyFeelings · 23/05/2023 14:46

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

Could it be that your dad is not coping with his grief very well?

D20 · 23/05/2023 14:46

So sorry for your loss. It’s a funeral and you have every right to expect your family to turn up and support you.

Ponderingwindow · 23/05/2023 14:48

If I were your sibling, I would want to attend it at all possible.

im sorry you father is handling this so poorly. I can only hope it is a symptom of his grief and he comes to his senses eventually.

HappyBinosaur · 23/05/2023 14:49

This is so sad. Have you got any close friends who can support you and attend the service? Perhaps speak to your brother as he may feel differently from your dad.
Sending love and sorry for your loss xx

jannier · 23/05/2023 14:50

So sorry for your loss, your dad sounds like he's spouting the old fashioned pretend it never happened shite. Ask who you want and ignore him....bearing in mind there maybe family history you are unaware of and memories he doesn't want to revisit.

Namechangedforthis25 · 23/05/2023 14:51

That’s awful - so sorry

Perhaps it’s hit him more than you know and he is struggling with the grief

that’s the only logical explanation for his comment other than him being an absolutely horrible person - but given his behaviour is a surprise to you I would hope it’s his Grief

JaneFondue · 23/05/2023 14:51

Good god! Of course YANBU. So sorry for your loss. I would go to the ends of the earth for this, never mind taking a poxy day off.

JaneFondue · 23/05/2023 14:52

Please ask your brother and SIL.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2023 14:52

WonkyFeelings · 23/05/2023 14:46

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

Could it be that your dad is not coping with his grief very well?

This. Unless he is typically a really angry, horrible person, it could be that he's struggling.

I'm so so sorry. Flowers

HappiDaze · 23/05/2023 14:53

Its quite a difficult personal grief so as much as your family aren't handling it as you would like I personally would not have invited them or expected them to come if I chose to have a funeral.

You have every right to be upset but I think it's not something I would expect anyone else to come to other than myself and the father.

Singlemum101 · 23/05/2023 14:53

Im so sorry for your loss.

I think that you should still invite your brother and sister in law. If it was my sisters baby I would want to go.

If your dad is normally wonderful and supportive then I’d assume this is a sign that he’s not coping well with his grief. If this isn’t out of character then hell would freeze over before I ever supported him with anything ever again.

PinkiOcelot · 23/05/2023 14:53

Christ is he normally such a heartless bastard?! That’s shocking.

YADNBU. I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/05/2023 14:53

I am so very sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that you're not getting the support from your family that you need. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Is it possible that your dad is struggling to come to terms with what has happened and is trying to bury his head in the sand in order to avoid facing his feelings about it.

I hope that you have others around you who can support you. Flowers

HBGKC · 23/05/2023 14:54

I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.

Giving everyone the maximum benefit of the doubt, and bearing in mind that people do process grief in different ways, I would invite whomever you like to the funeral, but make it clear that they are free to come, or not, as they wish.

(I would absolutely go myself, for any friend or relative in your position.)

NutellaEllaElla · 23/05/2023 14:55

Wow. What a thing to say. As a PP said, funerals are for the living. I'm so sorry he's reacted in such a heartless way.

LacewingOrpington · 23/05/2023 14:55

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your father’s viewpoint is truly and I felt so sad at how that would have been for you to hear. Not many parents/in-laws comments can make me wince more (your Dad’s managed it) than I did when my in-laws referred to me being rushed to another hospital with a life-threatening post labour complication as a magical time for my DH…as my DH got to have our 2-hour baby to himself for half an hour (whilst he drove between hospitals fearing I wouldn’t be alive when he got there) - and not to worry, as if I had died they would help him bring up the baby!

WheelsUp · 23/05/2023 14:56

Wtaf did I just read ? 😡

I am very sorry for your loss and couldn't disagree more with your dad if I tried. He's a cruel and heartless man and tbh I would never speak to him again over this. Unbelievable.

I hope that you have support in real life. If I was your sibling then I'd want to stand holding you that day.x

TheSnowyOwl · 23/05/2023 14:57

Yanbu and we had something similar said by one of DH’s relatives when our baby died very young.

I’m really sorry for what you have been through and the lack of support you have from your family.

justme2022 · 23/05/2023 14:58

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad is completely out of line and I honestly don't know if I would be able to forgive that comment.

Ask your brother to be there, if you were my sister there's no force on earth that would stop me being by your side.

Sistanotcista · 23/05/2023 14:58

I'm so sad for you. Your heartbreaking loss has been compounded by the dreadful and uncaring attitude of your father. You deserve better than this. I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry that your family are behaving in such an awful way. Look after yourself as best you can.

FartSock5000 · 23/05/2023 14:58

@TryingToGrieve his response is cold, cruel and shocking. Not normal at all.

Don't dwell on him. He's an utter swine for diminishing your loss.

Focus on you and how you want to say goodbye to your lost wee one. Make the day as special as you can and focus on your own well being and recovery. Do not give any notice to other people's opinions. Send invites to anyone you want and those who care will attend.

You are dealing with an unimaginable loss and only you matter right now.

BettyBananaMan · 23/05/2023 14:59

Oh love, I'm sorry for you loss.

I'm not sure I could forgive my Dad for saying that though