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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is too busy to come to my baby’s burial

144 replies

TryingToGrieve · 23/05/2023 14:38

My baby was stillborn. I’m being contacted by bereavement midwives about arranging a burial (I can’t face thought of a cremation) and some sort of service, even just a graveside one. Yet my family are not really up for it. My dad got quite angry when I asked him and said he’s not retired yet and can’t be taking time off work for a baby he never even met. He said not to ask my brother and sister-in-law either as it would be unfair to expect them to take time off work.

AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
Yousee · 23/05/2023 15:00

As a mother of a stillborn son, I'm absolutely heartbroken for you.
My son is considered by my family and friends as absolutely the equal of his living brothers. He carries my Dad's name as his middle name and I know my Dad was quite touched by that. My in-laws came 100 miles during COVID for his funeral.
You are absolutely not unreasonable for expecting better for your precious baby.
Here for you if you want to message privately 💐

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 23/05/2023 15:00

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You baby was his grandchild. Whether he met them or not is irrelevant, he should be there to support you.

If you want your other family members there ask them to come. They can decline if feel they need to.

Sending you so much love. I cannot even begin to image what you are going through x

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 23/05/2023 15:01

OP of course you're not unreasonable to be upset. A little empathy and support is not too much to expect when you've just been through something traumatic. Your father's attitude is appalling.

Im a funeral arranger and have had to organise many baby funerals, but it never gets any easier. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dear baby.

LlynTegid · 23/05/2023 15:05

YANBU to be upset. I could understand someone not wanting to be at a funeral for a stillborn child or an infant death, but to speak as your dad did is disgraceful.

Littlemissprosecco · 23/05/2023 15:06

Your loss is truly painful and absolutely needs to be acknowledged. Have the funeral that you need for you, and for those that want to be there for you. Then maybe have another moment later on, at a six month anniversary or something, where you have a little personal acknowledgment with those who couldn’t be there before? Plant a tree? Do something special with your loved ones?

Liamgallaghersparka · 23/05/2023 15:08

You are certainly NOT being unreasonable, you need and fully deserve the full support of your family at this awful time, I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

RampantIvy · 23/05/2023 15:08
Flowers
BestZebbie · 23/05/2023 15:09

I also wonder if there is an element of guilt/grief in this, specifically because of the anger - if there was some time in his past where there was another stillbirth/late miscarriage in his close circle and at that time meeting the baby and having a full funeral wasn't the done thing, he might on some level feel threatened/guilty by the idea of doing that for your child when he didn't do it for the other. You wouldn't necessarily know and it wouldn't necessarily have had to be a sibling of yours - a sibling of his, a close friend whose ongoing grief he saw might also have a similar effect.

Yousee · 23/05/2023 15:09

We were only allowed 20 people at DS funeral and so many more wanted to come and watched online instead.
A quote from the eulogy I delivered for my son for those who do not understand -
"DS is a much loved son, grandson, brother, nephew, great nephew, great grandson, a no doubt would have been a friend to many. As such, he is someone very special and important. He belongs to you always, just as you belong to him, and nothing can change that."

Taperjeanwoman · 23/05/2023 15:10

What an absolute twunt.

MissBridgetJones · 23/05/2023 15:10

I'm so sorry for you loss and yours Dads behaviour.

I would be there without a doubt for my siblings. Wouldn't cross my mind that it would be an inconvenience.

X

AnAngelAtMyTableWithMe · 23/05/2023 15:10

oh hun so incredibly sorry for your loss, truly so sorry. I think your family are being unkind. Is your father normally like this?

Kentlassie · 23/05/2023 15:12

Bizarre. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t forgive this.

For dd’s funeral, I only wanted me and DH there but we had other people because it felt right to let them grieve with us. I’m so sorry you want your dad/ brother there and they can’t see that this is about supporting YOU, along with grieving the loss of a baby they have never met.

Denise82 · 23/05/2023 15:15

I'm just in disgusted shock at what he has said to you, how utterly cruel. It's something that I wouldn't forgive personally. Please do ask you brother and sister in law, but even if your dad does decide to come I wouldn't let him, he's shown he's not bothered and would most likely do or say something to upset you more.
I hope you have other friends and family to turn to in your grief xx I'm so sorry for your loss op x

PinkyFlamingo · 23/05/2023 15:18

Is he normally so horrible or is this new behaviour?

GracePalmer33 · 23/05/2023 15:18

I'm so sorry. You do not have to keep your dad in your life- based on what you've written you would be so much better off without him in it.

BeardieWeirdie · 23/05/2023 15:20

I’m so sorry for your unbearable loss and hope you have other people who can hold you close. I’d have to cut him off for this. He is being unforgivably cruel.

38andtrying · 23/05/2023 15:22

I am so so sorry for your loss, i cannot imagine what you are going through. Your father sounds like a nasty horrible person, best he isn't there tbh as he wouldn't be much moral support by the sounds of it. You ask whoever you would like to be there and do not take his utterances into consideration. I really hope you can find the strength to get over this.

Want2beme · 23/05/2023 15:23

That's so harsh of your dad not to consider your very sad loss, and go to your baby's funeral. I'd have thought he'd want to be there for you as wellFlowers

38andtrying · 23/05/2023 15:24

also people are obsessed with work, life and family is more important, no one ever sat on their deathbed and said i wish i had of worked more, why are people so afraid of taking a day off! especially for something so serious

AnAngelAtMyTableWithMe · 23/05/2023 15:24

honestly find it shocking he isn't sad and expressing that instead of dismissing this

LittleBumblebee3 · 23/05/2023 15:27

@TryingToGrieve I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I really hope others here are right and that your dads reaction is coming from a place of grief.
Please, if you feel that you want others there to support you, ask them. Don’t let your dads reaction put you off.

There is a stillborn child within my immediate family and he is considered just as much of a family member as anyone else.

With regards to your little one and the bereavement midwives contacting you…please remember that you are able to have any kind of service and burial that you want for your baby. For the little one in our family, there was a short service in the family home which a local minister came to and then on to the cemetery for a burial. Do whatever feels right to you and your family.

Look after yourself OP. We’re all thinking of you 💐

38andtrying · 23/05/2023 15:27

who are the 4% lunatics that voted YABU?

gogohmm · 23/05/2023 15:27

Of course you are not being unreasonable. He sounds heartless. Trying to be generous, it may be because there was an attitude of private grief for pregnancy loss in the past, I know a couple of people who lost babies around the 24 week mark and they didn't have funerals, he may not realise things change. Do tell your brother but equally I would do so in such a way that means he doesn't feel obliged if he has a less than understanding employer.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/05/2023 15:28

Sometimes I totally despair of some people- this is one such post. Your father is an arse!