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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My dad is too busy to come to my baby’s burial

144 replies

TryingToGrieve · 23/05/2023 14:38

My baby was stillborn. I’m being contacted by bereavement midwives about arranging a burial (I can’t face thought of a cremation) and some sort of service, even just a graveside one. Yet my family are not really up for it. My dad got quite angry when I asked him and said he’s not retired yet and can’t be taking time off work for a baby he never even met. He said not to ask my brother and sister-in-law either as it would be unfair to expect them to take time off work.

AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:

MitchellMummy · 23/05/2023 15:30

So very sorry for your loss. I hope you have other friends and family to support you. I have been to one such funeral - I dreaded it and it was so very sad. But glad I went to support the family members. I wish you well.

bluebeck · 23/05/2023 15:32

I am so sorry OP. ❤️

You are not being remotely unreasonable. I am mid fifties and my dad would never have behaved like this, so don’t let anyone tell you it’s a generational thing.

I hope you are supported on the day by people who understand.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/05/2023 15:32

Jesus fucking Christ, your father is a callous piece of shit.

My father would never treat me that way. Absolutely heartbreaking.

I’m really sorry, OP. For all of it. 💔

DPotter · 23/05/2023 15:34

So sorry about your baby

Invite who you want.

Sorry but in this instance I would be judging harshly anyone who reacted in the way your father has. There are valid reasons for not attending a funeral - not having met the deceased is not one, as others have said the funeral is for the living.

mycoffeecup · 23/05/2023 15:35

oh my goodness. How horrible. Is your Mum around? I would find it tricky ever to repair my relationship with my Dad after that. so sorry for your loss.

PickledMuffin · 23/05/2023 15:35

So sorry for your loss.

Your Dad sounds heartless and should be there for you.

Sending a hug.

Turfwars · 23/05/2023 15:35

I am so sorry for your loss.

We all attended the funeral for our relative's little one - wouldn't dream of not attending. The baby was part of our family even if it was only for a short time but will always be in our thoughts.

I hope it's just grief and shock on your dad's part and that he comes around.

theDudesmummy · 23/05/2023 15:36

Stillbirths were dealt with very differently in the past, it's true. It seems quite unbelievable now. My parents had a stillborn baby when I was 16, and other than my brother and I being told that night that "the baby is dead", the event and the baby were never referred to again by anyone, and the nursery they had specially had built for the baby was just locked and the door never opened again. I suppose they felt that was a way to cope with the grief. But whether your father is being so awful as a way of coping with grief, or for any other reason, if you are having a funeral and you want him to be there, then he should absolutely be supporting you in that however hard it may be for him. I am so sorry that he cannot see that, and that this time should be about your needs, not his.

Clarinet1 · 23/05/2023 15:36

Oh darling, I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree that people my react in different ways to a bereavement but surely, as your father, he should want to support you a you wish ie by giving your little angel the funeral you want and being there. Also, he doesn’t get to decide whether your DB and SIL are invited or attend.
Look after yourself and grieve any way you need to.

WhatHaveIFound · 23/05/2023 15:36

I am so sorry for your loss.

I cannot understand why your dad is behaving like this and personally I would find it difficult to forgive him.

L0bstersLass · 23/05/2023 15:37

This is exactly the kind of dickhead thing my father would say.
It would be added to the long list of things I'm never going to forgive him for.

I'm so sorry that your father said this. How extraordinarily hurtful and cruel.
I'm sorry to hear about your tragic loss.
Please do invite your brother and his wife. I hope they have more compassion than your father.

CindersAgain · 23/05/2023 15:39

Gosh, it wouldn’t have been hard for him to say he is very sorry, but he can’t come.

I wonder if there is some aspect of it that you don’t know about, like in the past as PP have mentioned, they were handled differently. Perhaps he has experienced one. Perhaps if it was on the earlier side of the term he is able to disconnect from it and is thinking you would be better to do the same (I don’t agree with this thinking, to be clear).

Batalax · 23/05/2023 15:40

Being generous maybe he was harsh to bury his own difficult feelings around it all, but even so he should be putting his own feelings aside to support you.

I’d be really upset if I were bil or sil not to be asked and given the opportunity to come. But if you think they really might react like your dad perhaps it might be best not to ask and make it a small private occasion.

Don’t let anything sour your own special goodbye. Xx

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 23/05/2023 15:42

I'm so sorry op 💐

After the deaths of my children I noticed that a lot of people were very 'out of sight out of mind'. If they didn't acknowledge my babies then they didn't exist to them.

They did what they needed to do to cope with my losses, and I did what I needed to, which involved cutting a lot of people out.

At the very least, even if he truly felt that way, he would want to go and support you. Any parent worth their salt would support their child through something so devastating, I know I would even with my history and being unable to attend funerals anymore.

After a loss like yours you do learn to toughen up and be selfish, as you should, it's the only way to get through these raw early days, don't contact your dad again, ask you brother and sister in law, and if your dad says anything just remind him he's being an arsehole and has caused more suffering to someone already going through so much.

I hope the coming days and weeks are as gentle as they can possibly be for you op 💐

SiobhanSharpe · 23/05/2023 15:43

Only DH and I were present at the graveside service for our stillborn baby. I was honestly in such a state at the time that it just didn't occur to me to ask anyone else, but thinking back I wish I had done.
I think my Mum would have liked to have been there, in retrospect. She took the loss of our baby very hard.
I have no idea why your DF said what he did, obviously, but it's so sad that he reacted in this way.
Sending you much sympathy.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/05/2023 15:44

I am so sorry for your loss, @TryingToGrieve. Please, if you feel you would like your brother and sister-in-law's to attend the funeral, ignore your father and ask them if they would kindly come along to support you and your partner, even though they have never met your baby. Your father is very much in the wrong here. I hope your brother doesn't take after him.

oakleaffy · 23/05/2023 15:44

@TryingToGrieve So sorry for the loss of your Baby.
I wonder as others have said if your dad isn’t coping with grief?
Have you anyone that can be with you for the Burial?
It must be so hard for you.

GMsAWinner · 23/05/2023 15:45

So sorry for your loss, OP. I'm not defending your DF in any way, but stillbirths were dealt with differently years ago. You often weren't given the option of seeing your baby, no cremation, weren't given any support or time to discuss (so had no idea where your baby was buried) and it wasn't talked about. I'm just wondering if there's an element of this on your father's side and he's not willing to show his feelings (and I'm sure he must have some).

Pallisers · 23/05/2023 15:45

I am so sorry for your loss.

For me, it would be game over for me and my dad if he said that to me. I wouldn't mind so much if he said he couldn't face the funeral but what he said ... I don't think you can come back from that.

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/05/2023 15:45

That's horrendous from your dad, I know I'd have wanted to tell him to fuck off and never spoken to him again if I'd been in that situation.

Ask your brother, I hope some of them feel able to support you.

ExtraOnions · 23/05/2023 15:46

Had your dad been involved in the pregnancy ? How close are your normally ? Is this unusual behaviour ?

Weddingpuzzle · 23/05/2023 15:48

WTAF have I just read. If your own father can't be nice to you when your baby has died then I dread to think what kind of parenting and childhood you have had. In fact I can pretty much tell what kind of parenting you have suffered because you have had to ask us if you are being unreasonable to be upset. Get this man away from you for your own sake - you deserve better than having someone like this in your life. He doesn't deserve to be a father or grandfather.

ArabeIIaScott · 23/05/2023 15:48

OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

What a thoughtless response from your dad.

whynotwhatknot · 23/05/2023 15:50

Even if the man is upset thats stil no way to talk to his gireving daughter

dont ask me to take time off work nor your sibling

callous

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/05/2023 15:54

I'm sorry, I somehow assumed you have a partner supporting you through this, but having re-read, I think you may not. In which case, your father's behaviour is even more disgusting and you really do need support from your brother, particularly as it may also be that your mother isn't around.

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