My dad is too busy to come to my baby’s burial

[TryingToGrieve]

My baby was stillborn. I’m being contacted by bereavement midwives about arranging a burial (I can’t face thought of a cremation) and some sort of service, even just a graveside one. Yet my family are not really up for it. My dad got quite angry when I asked him and said he’s not retired yet and can’t be taking time off work for a baby he never even met. He said not to ask my brother and sister-in-law either as it would be unfair to expect them to take time off work.

AIBU to feel upset about this?

When my daughter was stillborn, I was struck by how many people were very upset, and viewed it as a real and tragic loss. Every lost member of a community counts. A baby had died, and she would have been a friend, a partner, a colleague to many people, not just a beloved daughter to me.

Please remember that you are talking about the death of a baby, what you wrote is very dismissive and cold. Stillbirth isn't even necessarily a death in utero, mine was caused by a prolapsed cord as my baby was being born. It is utterly devastating and I can guarantee that OP is a lot more than just "upset". She is trying to cope with an incredibly difficult situation and is entitled to look to her close family for support.

As the mother of a stillborn child, only DH and I (and surviving twin) went to the funeral. We felt that we were the only ones who 'knew' our baby - for everyone else, it was a 'could have been'. Never would have occurred to me to invite wider family tbh.

Your father has phrased it clunkily - his job is basically at this stage to support you and you want him there. But I suspect his line of thinking is probably what many people think.

A 'conventional bereavement' are you serious? Do you understand how hurtful that is to families who have lost children through stillbirth? I am painfully aware that people have some astoundingly ignorant views when it comes to baby loss but to actually say this to someone actually going through it is beyond callous.

He is the OP's father. He should be stepping up and being there for his child who is going through one of the worst things a person can go through. He is being profoundly unreasonable and quite frankly letting his child down. The OP may find his behaviour really hard to come back from. He stands to lose a heck of a lot.

He should be stepping up and being there for his child who is going through one of the worst things a person can go through.

There is no should in these situations. People deal with these situations in different ways and for reasons personal to them. My dad never even mentioned my stillborn son. He lost a younger brother aged ten months and a sister aged 12. I have no doubt that he felt very deeply for me but had no words.

I'm so sorry, that's incredibly hurtful. I just can't imagine hearing that from your own parent, after what you've been through.

Of course there's a 'should'.

His daughter is suffering, she is going through a pain none of us should ever have to go through.

The absolute minimum a parent should do is be supportive, even if there are no words.

He, however, has actively chosen to minimise her feelings, restrict her asking for support from others, and make harsh comments that are just cruel.

I haven't been to a funeral since my daughters, I can't cope with them, but if, God forbid, one of my kids suffer the loss of one of their children I would unequivocally be there. I would be a shit parent if I didn't, and my kid would have every right to cut me out.

Oh there definitely is a "should".
No matter how much pain I'm in, I have always and will always show up for my children, just as my parents have for me. You don't get to turn your face from your broken child just because it hurts you.

Oh gosh, you poor thing OP. What a cruel and heartless thing to say.

Do you have a close friend who could attend, to lend support?

Firstly OP I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how you feel, however if you were my relative I would want to be there supporting you in your sadness. I usually say when hearing of a death 'may her memory be a blessing'. I hope you find comfort in knowing that many people who don't know you IRL are thinking of you.

There is a difference between finding it very difficult to articulate grief and being fucking horrible about it.

How bizarre of your dad. I can sort of understand that he might say that if you had suffered a miscarriage - people who've not experienced them don't understand.

But in this context I agree with the comments on here - he is very cruel and unreasonable. At most he could say "I will do my best to be there but just want to let you know I might struggle to get the time off work". The rest of it wasn't necessary. Do ask your other relatives and friends.

So sorry for your loss, don't understand why this isn't 100% yanbu. I hope you have other people to support you x

I am quite aware that OP is a lot more than upset. I've not indicated otherwise. My post is not dismissive of those feelings. My point is that many other people do not view things the same way. As her dad says he didn't know this child. He likely feels no connection at all. I don't necessarily agree or disagree with him. I dont believe his view is a particularly unusual or rare one. Many people, especially older men feel this way and won't be able to relate for the need for a funeral.

We lost our first child, and all the family were there. Your Dad is probably not coping with his grief but it’s still bloody inexcusable.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss OP. I would 100% expect my family to be there, I would also expect them to do it for me and put aside how they were feeling, especially your parents. When this happen to my colleague our whole team went to support them at the funeral. I

Do sorry for your loss OP. There is no excuse for how your Dad has behaved at all. He sounds callous in the extreme. Your family should be supporting you through this horrendous loss and it is a massive loss. It is a death of a family member.

I grew up in an abusive and very dysfunctional family but even they were all there for my stillborn DD’s funeral. Dickhead brother read a very apt poem and it was nice to know he’d put some thought into it, toxic mum arranged for everyone to have a flower to place on her coffin.

Did you Dad not approve of your pregnancy or the father? Not an excuse at all, just trying to figure out why he has been so horrible. Is he normally nasty?

Naunet. Posted at 15.58 23/5/23. Very poor choice of offensive and colourful language, too much of it on here. I would refer to my earlier post with advice to this OP to get constructive and professional help in the loss of her baby, to talk to supportive family members and close friends about the funeral and her grief. We really know nothing of her personal circumstances, we can only surmise. Anyone who has suffered the loss of their baby will have many questions which goes beyond the practical arrangements of a funeral. Defining stillbirth, we are talking of the loss of the baby in the last trimester of pregnancy or during the birth process. However many Mums .. and couples, will have similar feelings on the loss of their baby in the second trimester of pregnany at the stage we commonly refer to as a miscarriage. We really don't know all the facts here in this case.. But there is help out there to be had and hopefully this family will reconcile themselves and support the OP.

As her dad says he didn't know this child. He likely feels no connection at all

Until someone meets a new grandchild who survived, they haven't met them. But I assume they still wouldn't talk about their new grandchild in this way, but would have fond feelings about them.