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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is too busy to come to my baby’s burial

144 replies

TryingToGrieve · 23/05/2023 14:38

My baby was stillborn. I’m being contacted by bereavement midwives about arranging a burial (I can’t face thought of a cremation) and some sort of service, even just a graveside one. Yet my family are not really up for it. My dad got quite angry when I asked him and said he’s not retired yet and can’t be taking time off work for a baby he never even met. He said not to ask my brother and sister-in-law either as it would be unfair to expect them to take time off work.

AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
Jellywobblescobbles · 23/05/2023 16:21

WonkyFeelings · 23/05/2023 14:46

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

Could it be that your dad is not coping with his grief very well?

I think it could be this too op, your dad is probably really upset. People sometimes act badly in awful situations. It doesn’t make it right. I’m so sorry you are going through this x

pimplebum · 23/05/2023 16:22

I'd have nothing to do with your father and ask bil and sis

I'd be honoured to come and be megs supportive before during and after
Horrible dad you have there

supersonicginandtonic · 23/05/2023 16:27

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry.
My sister had a termination at 28 weeks due to her baby being very very poorly. She had edwards syndrome. She was named and had a funeral. There wasn't a time where I'd have even considered not going. She'd lost her baby ffs. She needed all the support she could.
There were over 100 people at the funeral.
I'm so so sad for you. I don't think I'd be able to forgive my dad for a comment like that.

HurryShadow · 23/05/2023 16:30

PinkiOcelot · 23/05/2023 14:53

Christ is he normally such a heartless bastard?! That’s shocking.

YADNBU. I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

Exactly this.

Your Dad should realise he's not there because of the baby, but he should be there supporting you at this awful time.

If he may be struggling with the grief himself maybe give him a little benefit of the doubt (but tell him how upset you are), but if you don't think that's the case I'd be giving him two barrels full of hatred.

If he really is a heartless bastard I'd be seriously going either NC or LC with him as that's unforgiveable.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. No-one should be going through what you're gong through, let alone dealing with this at the same time.

Un-mumsnetty hugs, kisses and flowers for you. xx

Ineedtoloseweightnow · 23/05/2023 16:32

I’m so sorry OP this must be hard enough to deal with never mind not having support from your dad. What he has said is extremely hurtful is he normally like this? If not could it perhaps be be is struggling to cope with it himself and unfortunately has lashed out and been unkind?

Anonymouseposter · 23/05/2023 16:36

Is he normally very cold and unfeeling? Could it be that he's finding it difficult to face? In either case, he really ought to face up to it and support you. I would ask your brother and sister-in-law whatever your Dad says about it. It's a terrible loss for you-my condolences.

viques · 23/05/2023 16:36

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope there are people who will come to say goodbye to your baby and to comfort and support you. Take care of yourself.

Blossomtoes · 23/05/2023 16:39

BestZebbie · 23/05/2023 15:09

I also wonder if there is an element of guilt/grief in this, specifically because of the anger - if there was some time in his past where there was another stillbirth/late miscarriage in his close circle and at that time meeting the baby and having a full funeral wasn't the done thing, he might on some level feel threatened/guilty by the idea of doing that for your child when he didn't do it for the other. You wouldn't necessarily know and it wouldn't necessarily have had to be a sibling of yours - a sibling of his, a close friend whose ongoing grief he saw might also have a similar effect.

There could be something in this. My second son was stillborn 46 years ago. There was no funeral and to this day I have no idea what happened to his body. I never even saw or held him. The funeral of a stillborn baby would break me, even after all these years, I couldn’t do it.

BigglyBee · 23/05/2023 16:39

I'm so sorry. This is not a time when you should feel like you have to make excuses for someone else's shitty behaviour.

None of my siblings came to my baby's funeral, because my mother decided that they shouldn't be there (she was supposed to tell them, but didn't). She also didn't come to see me when she heard, because work was more important. She had no customers, because they all assumed that she had the decency to be with her bereaved daughter and grandchildren. I think you should at least give your brother and SIL the chance to show you some kindness and support, if your relationship with them is reasonable. At least if you give them the chance then you will know where you stand.

I was shocked how some of the closest people to me let me down, but also pleased to see how many people who owed me nothing were supportive and kind. I hope you have plenty of kindness around you.

Some people are arses. It might be because they wrongly believe that a stillbirth doesn't "count", or because they don't want to feel awkward or upset, or for another totally unrelated reason. None of that changes the fact that they are arses.

porridgeisbae · 23/05/2023 16:43

I don't think it's a generational thing.

My mum and dad are mid 70s and would go to the funeral and would never dream of saying what he said.

MatildaTheCat · 23/05/2023 16:45

So sorry for your loss.

Siarli · 23/05/2023 16:47

This is a heartless response from your father, unbelievable of a parent to react in such sad circumstances when you need love and support. He also has no right to tell you not to speak to your brother and sister in law and invite them to the funeral. You sound like a young person ( not with the baby's father?) And you dont tell us how far this pregnancy had progressed, I assume that you were in the last trimester of the pregnancy. I think you need some support and help beyond your family. You can get this from a number of sources SANDS are an organisation that support after stillbirth, your doctor, midwife are also good people to talk to as well as sensible friends. How will you pay for a funeral, that is another matter? Your father sounds controlling, cold and unkind. You need professional help, please seek it out.

Spicypeanuts · 23/05/2023 16:52

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

YANBU - invite your brother and SIL. I hope there are others in your life who will support you as you deserve.

Siarli · 23/05/2023 16:54

I don't find your language helpful and some people would find it blasphemous. This ladys father is being unkind and unreasonable but your response to this OP is unsatisfactory.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2023 17:16

Naunet · 23/05/2023 16:03

Frankly, who cares. It’s not OPs job to empathise with him right now, it should be the other way around. He’s a terrible father.

Show quote history

I didn't ask the OP to empathize. I was merely suggesting why he may be acting the way he is. I wasn't excusing him. Providing a reason why someone may be doing something is not the same as excusing their behaviour. Yes, he should be empathizing with her. But he's not. If she wants to have a relationship with him after this (and she may well not) then she is going to have to deal in some way with his feelings.

In fact, I suggested that OP leave her dad to himself for the time being. If she then wishes to try a rapprochement with him, then fine. But she needs to be prepared that she may never get him to see a different point of view or to offer an apology.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 17:39

AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2023 17:16

I didn't ask the OP to empathize. I was merely suggesting why he may be acting the way he is. I wasn't excusing him. Providing a reason why someone may be doing something is not the same as excusing their behaviour. Yes, he should be empathizing with her. But he's not. If she wants to have a relationship with him after this (and she may well not) then she is going to have to deal in some way with his feelings.

In fact, I suggested that OP leave her dad to himself for the time being. If she then wishes to try a rapprochement with him, then fine. But she needs to be prepared that she may never get him to see a different point of view or to offer an apology.

Show quote history

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like I was having a go at you, I’m not, I just don’t think OP should even concern herself for a second with how he might feel right now.

porridgeisbae · 23/05/2023 17:48

I don't find your language helpful and some people would find it blasphemous. This ladys father is being unkind and unreasonable but your response to this OP is unsatisfactory.

@Siarli Which post were you referring to? Genuine question- interested and haven't read all the posts.

vonniee · 23/05/2023 17:52

I am so sorry for your loss, I've been there having lost 2 babies. Please take care of yourself and only surround yourself with people who can support you.
YANBU - I would never forgive any member of my family that I'd asked to attend but reacted the way you did. Be as kind to yourself as you can be. I'm thinking of you.

LoobyDop · 23/05/2023 18:11

I’m so sorry you lost your baby.

vonniee · 23/05/2023 18:37

He did (not you did)

AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2023 21:15

Naunet · 23/05/2023 17:39

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like I was having a go at you, I’m not, I just don’t think OP should even concern herself for a second with how he might feel right now.

Show quote history

No problem! And I agree. That's why I suggested that she needs to leave him to himself until she is ready.

It just sucks so hard when the ones we most hope will support us in hours of need turn out to be the ones who are least supportive. And in his case, actually cruel. That man doesn't realize it, but this is going to change the way his daughter feels about him for the rest of his life.

JudgeRudy · 23/05/2023 21:46

You're not unreasonable to be upset no, but you're perhaps unreasonable to expect your dad (or anyone) to feel as upset about it as you. Many people would not view this as a 'loss' in the same way as a conventional bereavement, likewise a miscarriage. No one is right or wrong.
Ultimately it's up to you if you want a funeral but don't assume people will want to come. If it's important to you though, do go ahead and don't let your dad's reaction deter you.

JudgeRudy · 23/05/2023 21:50

SmashedApricot · 23/05/2023 15:57

This is horrible and of course he would be allowed time off for his Grandchild's funeral.

He doesn't want time off though.

Yousee · 24/05/2023 06:47

JudgeRudy · 23/05/2023 21:46

You're not unreasonable to be upset no, but you're perhaps unreasonable to expect your dad (or anyone) to feel as upset about it as you. Many people would not view this as a 'loss' in the same way as a conventional bereavement, likewise a miscarriage. No one is right or wrong.
Ultimately it's up to you if you want a funeral but don't assume people will want to come. If it's important to you though, do go ahead and don't let your dad's reaction deter you.

No, the people who do not view this as a 'loss' are most certainly WRONG.
This woman's world has just been shattered. Her baby will be officially registered with a proper name same as any other baby. Her baby had a face and little eyes which should be blinking up at her right now.
This is a full bodied bereavement and anyone going through it has the perfect right to assume that anyone who claims to love them would be there to pay their respects and support them through it.

SchoolShenanigans · 24/05/2023 06:52

I can't believe his response. How hurtful. I absolutely would take time off to support my sister if she had a stillbirth, more than one day!

I think either your dad has extremely low emotional intelligence, or he's cruel. I would ask your brother and SIL, if they say the same, then they're in the same boat as him - idiots.

I would definitely withdraw from your dad, if he can't be there for you at your time of need, then you don't need him in your life.

I'm so sorry you've been through this, and I'm so sorry for your precious baby, I'm thinking of you both.