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AIBU?

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Original poster

My dad is too busy to come to my baby’s burial

144 replies

TryingToGrieve · 23/05/2023 14:38

My baby was stillborn. I’m being contacted by bereavement midwives about arranging a burial (I can’t face thought of a cremation) and some sort of service, even just a graveside one. Yet my family are not really up for it. My dad got quite angry when I asked him and said he’s not retired yet and can’t be taking time off work for a baby he never even met. He said not to ask my brother and sister-in-law either as it would be unfair to expect them to take time off work.

AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2023 15:55

Your dad has the right to grieve or not grieve, just as we all do. But he should NEVER have put it in such a cruel way, nor to make decisions for your DB and SiL. Of course you should ask them! Your dad is not the 'boss' of the family.

I'm of the generation where stillbirths were tragedies of course, but there were no services, cards, nor acknowledgement beyond a sympathetic "I'm so sorry" to the parents and then never mentioned again. I'm so glad things have moved forward since then.

But is it possible that your dad still feels the way my generation did? Back then it would have seemed, I don't know, 'odd' if the grieving parents had held a funeral or memorial service for their lost child. Again, I am SO glad that things have moved forward and that now the loss and grief can be acknowledged and expressed.

You do what feels right to you and ask whomever you please. Leave your dad to himself. In fact, I'd suggest going 'low contact' with him until after the services and you've had some time to grieve and emotions are perhaps not running as high as they are now. But you may have to find peace with your dad not being willing to discuss why he feels the way he did.

My deepest sympathy for the loss of your angel.

Hankunamatata · 23/05/2023 15:56

Sorry for your loss

It's a very harsh response from him. Only you know him as to whether he can't face it or he is uncaring.

Iv noticed that people in general are a bit uncaring about stillborn babies unless they are nearly full term, rather than focusing on the loss and grieving

SmashedApricot · 23/05/2023 15:57

This is horrible and of course he would be allowed time off for his Grandchild's funeral.

StickChildNumberTwo · 23/05/2023 15:58

I'm so sorry, for your loss and for your dad's response. Do ask other people, your dad doesn't get to decide on their behalf.

I wanted to say that as you organise the burial, the hospital chaplains may well be able to help you with the service, and just because they're chaplains doesn't mean it has to be religious if you don't want it to be. Obviously you may have other plans, but if you're in a place of not knowing where to start, the chaplains may be a good place. I hope you can do something to mark your little one's life.

CabernetSauvignon · 23/05/2023 15:58

Have you asked him why he can't take time off work to support his daughter through one of the worst times of her entire life?

Naunet · 23/05/2023 15:58

Jesus Christ, what a horrific bastard. I could never forgive that. So callous, it’s genuinely one of the most shocking things I’ve read on here to me.

Im so, so sorry OP, wishing you mountains of strength. X

Qbish · 23/05/2023 15:59

I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your dad is in denial. But, either way, it's not up to him who you invited to your baby's funeral.

YukoandHiro · 23/05/2023 15:59

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Your dad is a fucking arsehole. That comment is unforgivable. Is this a one off, eg do you think he's no idea what to say so has managed to say the worst possible thing? Or does he have form for being unsupportive or cruel? If they latter I'd go NC for your own mental health

Sauvblanctime · 23/05/2023 16:00

Absolutely Yanbu

I lost a baby at 29 weeks and I would have been devastated if my dad had said that to me.

im so sorry for your loss ❤️

YukoandHiro · 23/05/2023 16:00

CabernetSauvignon · 23/05/2023 15:58

Have you asked him why he can't take time off work to support his daughter through one of the worst times of her entire life?

This, with bells on

SwirlyShirly · 23/05/2023 16:02

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about your baby. This is an excruciatingly difficult time for you, and I'm very sorry to hear that your dad isn't going to be there to support you. I don't really know what to suggest, but I would expect for my parent to be able to support me through one of the most difficult of experiences imaginable, and I would have very little time for them after this.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 16:03

AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2023 15:55

Your dad has the right to grieve or not grieve, just as we all do. But he should NEVER have put it in such a cruel way, nor to make decisions for your DB and SiL. Of course you should ask them! Your dad is not the 'boss' of the family.

I'm of the generation where stillbirths were tragedies of course, but there were no services, cards, nor acknowledgement beyond a sympathetic "I'm so sorry" to the parents and then never mentioned again. I'm so glad things have moved forward since then.

But is it possible that your dad still feels the way my generation did? Back then it would have seemed, I don't know, 'odd' if the grieving parents had held a funeral or memorial service for their lost child. Again, I am SO glad that things have moved forward and that now the loss and grief can be acknowledged and expressed.

You do what feels right to you and ask whomever you please. Leave your dad to himself. In fact, I'd suggest going 'low contact' with him until after the services and you've had some time to grieve and emotions are perhaps not running as high as they are now. But you may have to find peace with your dad not being willing to discuss why he feels the way he did.

My deepest sympathy for the loss of your angel.

Frankly, who cares. It’s not OPs job to empathise with him right now, it should be the other way around. He’s a terrible father.

DeadButDelicious · 23/05/2023 16:04

Oh my darling I am so sorry for your loss and so, so sorry that your dad is being so horrible.

Please, invite other members of your family if you want too. He doesn't get to dictate to you. We didn't have anyone other than myself and my husband out our daughters funeral, I was in shock and in the very firm throws of PTSD at the time of the funeral and didn't want to let anyone else in, 8 years down the line I wish I had but you have to do what is best for you in that moment.

I don't know if this is indicative of your dads behaviour as a whole but it would take a lot for me to be able to come back from this if it were my dad. Not supporting his daughter through one of the worst things someone can go through is nigh on unforgivable. Sadly though when things like this happen you find out who people really are.

Sending you all of my love and deepest sympathies. Flowers

PiriPiriChicken · 23/05/2023 16:05

I’m so truly sorry for your loss, OP. What your father has said is not okay. Do still ask your brother and his wife.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 23/05/2023 16:05

I don’t think it’s generational tbh and I don’t think there’s any excuse for such heartless comments. I hope my dc never have to go through anything like this but wild horses wouldn’t stop me from being there to support them in any way I could.

I’m so sorry for your loss op.Flowers

readbooksdrinktea · 23/05/2023 16:06

He sounds callous. Ask your brother and SIL. No way should he decide that.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

SirenSays · 23/05/2023 16:06

Maybe he's struggling, maybe he's just an arsehole. Either way I think you're better off without him there. I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 sending you love and strength x

porridgeisbae · 23/05/2023 16:12

That is horrible OP. Sad Flowers

I hope the rest of your family are supportive.

Newnamenewname109870 · 23/05/2023 16:13

I can’t get over how awful this is. I’m so sorry for your loss op. Ask whoever you want and it’s up to them.

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 23/05/2023 16:13

ExtraOnions · 23/05/2023 15:46

Had your dad been involved in the pregnancy ? How close are your normally ? Is this unusual behaviour ?

How exactly does your dad "get involved" in a pregnancy other than being told "we are expecting a baby on x date" the father of the woman who is pregnant doesn't generally have any other involvement, it'd be pretty weird to given what is involved.

I think maybe it's a generational thing, I have never had a stillborn but myself and both my siblings have experienced miscarriage (of course they aren't the same thing, I'm not saying they are). Our dad was very dismissive of any pregnancy until the later stages, in fact he didn't really want to know until the end when there was a baby. I can imagine had something gone wrong even further on he would have dealt with it by ignoring it. He's not a bad person he just wants to hear of the healthy baby at the end, not the potential for things to go wrong. Some people just handle things like this by ignoring it, it could be the case here rather than him being a bad person.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 23/05/2023 16:14

I am so sorry for your loss.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 23/05/2023 16:16

I am so sorry your lovely baby didn't make it. Please use all the help that is offered. As for your Father, i have no words that could be posted on here. Flowers

SpinningCloudNiteClub · 23/05/2023 16:17

HappiDaze · 23/05/2023 14:53

Its quite a difficult personal grief so as much as your family aren't handling it as you would like I personally would not have invited them or expected them to come if I chose to have a funeral.

You have every right to be upset but I think it's not something I would expect anyone else to come to other than myself and the father.

Agree with this.

Cincinnatus · 23/05/2023 16:18

That’s unforgivable stuff. I am so truly sorry.

SpinningCloudNiteClub · 23/05/2023 16:18

It’s an extremely hurtful and unnecessary comment of him though.