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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell new lad this is my room

990 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:20

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

OP posts:
blueandgreensocks · 30/05/2023 13:19

OP, how long have been you been unable to have unsupervised contact with your youngest one?

And what triggered it?

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:20

blueandgreensocks · 30/05/2023 13:19

OP, how long have been you been unable to have unsupervised contact with your youngest one?

And what triggered it?

It's only been a few weeks and it was based on my alcohol use which I am now stopping with the help of d&a services

OP posts:
BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 30/05/2023 13:20

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:13

So how does this work for the people who get married within 6 months of meeting. People's standards for me seem to be higher then for the general population

Show quote history

What are you on about? Seriously, enough of the whataboutery. 🙄 Of course some people rush into marriage. That doesn't make it right. You asked when to introduce your children to a man in your life. My answer: wait until you have been in an exclusive relationship for at least a year.

PinkingScissors · 30/05/2023 13:24

Wow so this escalated quickly from the last time I looked at the thread.

Are we still keeping the lights on? 🤔

blueandgreensocks · 30/05/2023 13:24

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:20

It's only been a few weeks and it was based on my alcohol use which I am now stopping with the help of d&a services

Show quote history

Is it until your daughter's majority or is only temporary? when would you be able to have her over again?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 13:25

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:13

So how does this work for the people who get married within 6 months of meeting. People's standards for me seem to be higher then for the general population

Show quote history

The same way.

Being married doesn’t mean it’s suddenly fine.

The fact that people rush into marriage and having a new partner move in doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to have random men in your house with your child there.

Again, I know you have stopped this for now and this is good.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:26

PinkingScissors · 30/05/2023 13:24

Wow so this escalated quickly from the last time I looked at the thread.

Are we still keeping the lights on? 🤔

Tell me about it. Yes still have the light on but we've compromised on no TV or fan and I can go on my phone when he's asleep

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 30/05/2023 13:26

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:19

Thankyou for answering the question. It's a million miles of what I was thinking but thankyou anyway

Show quote history

You are welcome and please know this is closer to the norm than what you think

I know I have been hard on you but that’s because you remind me so much of someone I know (so much so that I thought you were her in previous threads)

Her life is and has been a car crash, yes due to childhood trauma that I wouldn’t want for anyone. But I have stood in Tesco with her when her daughter burst into tears when she picked up a bottle of wine saying please don’t drink mummy (her daughter was about 4 or 5 at the time) and her daughter who is now about 12 now knows more about sex than she really should

I have distanced myself as she has caused me issues in both my work and personal life but it just frustrates me when she (and you too) don’t listen to people who are only trying to help because they do live in a world that isn’t chaotic

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:27

fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 13:25

The same way.

Being married doesn’t mean it’s suddenly fine.

The fact that people rush into marriage and having a new partner move in doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to have random men in your house with your child there.

Again, I know you have stopped this for now and this is good.

Show quote history

It is good ty for a tiny bit of acknowledgement that I am doing something right its appreciated

OP posts:
blueandgreensocks · 30/05/2023 13:30

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:13

So how does this work for the people who get married within 6 months of meeting. People's standards for me seem to be higher then for the general population

Show quote history

OP, that's an another mistake that people do, but it doesn't make anything else okay.
I know from experience because I made that same mistake.

I married a man I had only met 6 months before. Got pregnant a few months later. A few days before I gave birth, while in early labour actually, the police came knocking on our door and arrested my then husband - he had pictures and videos of children being raped by adults and animals. Babies and toddlers. Thousands of them.

It was the toughest thing I've ever had to go through and I felt like the worst mother on earth.

Please take care of yourself and take care of your daughters. Don't be naive like me and believe a man you've only briefly known.

Arslicher · 30/05/2023 13:30

You don't deserve people's well-meaning advice and patience to be honest. You need SS intervention to remove even supervised contact with your children if you think forcing your underage daughter to go on the pill in the future rather than protect her from your two-week old romance who apparently has moved in as you can't sleep alone is good parenting. You are not a safe parent, let alone a good one

True.

OP, FWIW, my DC are over 18, and I have been with my partner for 8 years. My DC already knew of him when we got together, because we worked together and we had been friends for a long while. He doesn't stay over when my DC are here, and I don't stay over when his DC are with him. My home is my DC's home and their safe place (their father was abusive to them), and his home is his DC's home. There is plenty of time for us to see one another and shag one another senseless when the DC aren't around.

This is the "real world" just as much as your world is.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 13:31

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:27

It is good ty for a tiny bit of acknowledgement that I am doing something right its appreciated

Show quote history

You’re welcome, but please try to take on board that people aren’t reacting like they are because they hate you or want to attack you, but because there are kids here. That means that significant change is needed very quickly. You don’t get the leeway that you’d get to make changes more slowly if you didn’t have vulnerable people in your care.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:35

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:58

People need to give me realistic time frames of when it's acceptable to have bf stay over

Why? None of them are realistic to you as sex is more important. You seem proud that you've been two whole days without it

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:37

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:35

Why? None of them are realistic to you as sex is more important. You seem proud that you've been two whole days without it

Show quote history

I'm proud im making changes to become a better mum and prove everyone wrong

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:38

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:07

I want him to stay over as I like being with him I like spending time with him and he makes me feel safe. I like having someone to cuddle up with at night, I like waking up next to someone

Show quote history

So it is all about you

Just be honest

You have made considerable changes and I hope they continue

But SS is going to be in your life for a very, very long time as you still don't understand about healthy boundaries and how to be a parent (and you need to learn those things as you were never shown as a child)

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:42

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:38

So it is all about you

Just be honest

You have made considerable changes and I hope they continue

But SS is going to be in your life for a very, very long time as you still don't understand about healthy boundaries and how to be a parent (and you need to learn those things as you were never shown as a child)

Show quote history

This is the point I am learning and that's why forums like mumsnet is so important as people in my actual life are nothing like you lot their more like me so no I don't always no what's normal and not but I am trying to learn. You all need to realise I became pregnant with my 1st daughter at 15 so we have literally grown up together.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:45

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:42

This is the point I am learning and that's why forums like mumsnet is so important as people in my actual life are nothing like you lot their more like me so no I don't always no what's normal and not but I am trying to learn. You all need to realise I became pregnant with my 1st daughter at 15 so we have literally grown up together.

Show quote history

So maybe don't argue quite so vehemently when we point out that what you think is 'normal' in a relationship really isn't if you want stability

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:54

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 13:45

So maybe don't argue quite so vehemently when we point out that what you think is 'normal' in a relationship really isn't if you want stability

Show quote history

Have u read what people have said to me do you honestly think im not gonna stand up for myself

OP posts:
Theskyoutsideisblue · 30/05/2023 13:56

I am so pleased you are making changes. It must be so hard. I do just want to ask who raped you as a child? Not name but relationship and who else was in the house?

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 13:58

Theskyoutsideisblue · 30/05/2023 13:56

I am so pleased you are making changes. It must be so hard. I do just want to ask who raped you as a child? Not name but relationship and who else was in the house?

Im not saying who but my mum was fully aware of what was goin on and didn't do a thing to stop it

OP posts:
blueandgreensocks · 30/05/2023 14:03

OP, could I DM you?

Theskyoutsideisblue · 30/05/2023 14:05

Thank you for answering. I was wondering if other adults were in the house and didn’t know which could potentially have mirrored your present situation. But that was not the case and I am glad you are still engaging rather than flouncing off as most of these threads go. Some posters have been brutal but mainly from a concerned point of view. I think most have no idea what proper trauma is. They think they would rise above addiction etc but none of us really know what we would do.

TheShellBeach · 30/05/2023 14:06

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:43

I don't know for 100% sure but I know im keeping him satisfied to the point he doesn't need to look elsewhere.

Show quote history

Oh my God.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 14:15

blueandgreensocks · 30/05/2023 14:03

OP, could I DM you?

Yeah

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 14:15

Theskyoutsideisblue · 30/05/2023 14:05

Thank you for answering. I was wondering if other adults were in the house and didn’t know which could potentially have mirrored your present situation. But that was not the case and I am glad you are still engaging rather than flouncing off as most of these threads go. Some posters have been brutal but mainly from a concerned point of view. I think most have no idea what proper trauma is. They think they would rise above addiction etc but none of us really know what we would do.

❤❤

OP posts: