To tell new lad this is my room

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

Of course they do.

But not everyone does

That is obviously a rarity for you, Argue all you like but not everyone's lives are a car crash

Let's apply your own logic, OP.

Your current partner is cheating on you, you don't know he isn't and you're naive if you believe he's faithful.

I wrote a very long post about 45 pages ago. The gist was that it ought to be possible for MN to flag it up with SS when parents are openly admitting to harming their children (not physically, in this case, but emotionally and psychologically - with the additional risk that one of her casual boyfriends could harm the child physically: she has no way to know whether he would or wouldn't). It seems astonishing, especially nowadays, that we can all see that a child is being harmed but nobody can do anything to help her.

My mum once said to me, “if you want to go out and get drunk and do drugs, that’s OK with me!” I was 14.

At 14, she was being groomed by married men. She never learned safeguarding, and she genuinely thought the above was appropriate.

You cannot imagine how terrifying that is for a child. That your parent doesn’t understand how to keep you safe, and seems to just apply the standards she applies to herself without caring that you are a child - it’s absolutely blood-curdling.

Luckily I didn’t follow the advice because I had a sensible group of friends who were not drinking and having sex, and whose mothers were giving them proper service on boundaries and safe sex and how to be safe generally. I learned more from my friends than my own mum. But I was lucky.

I just- God. I need to step away from this thread.

My children aren't being harmed

Just accept that we live in very, very different worlds.

Agreed. It’s traumatising for survivors, too.

Now he is

But how was it before? Lots of girlfriends? How long before your DD met them?
Did they stay over when she was there?

That is the frustrating thing that OP seems to view as people attacking her. It's scary. Look at the rise in violence against women. It's always been a big issue, but now frighteningly more common and less seems to be done about it.
Of course no-one wants OP to come to harm when she invites a random stranger back who happens to be a rapist/abuser/murderer, but the child is in that same house, extremely vulnerable and unable to have a say in thr matter. I imagine/hope if dad knew, he'd hit the roof.

I do. I live in the real world and people here live in fantasy land and like to have their heads buried in the sand.

OFFS

That's how predators operate!!

I know nothing about my exs sex life and have no interest in knowing

I do.

We've been together for nearly 50 years. I do know.

There are relationships out there where that is the norm. You just don't seem to have come across any

So let's all lock ourselves in our own homes and never meet anyone new on the tiny chance their a serial killer

How do you know for sure OP that your current partner isn't cheating on you? Because according to you you'd be naive to think he isn't?

But you don't 100% know that unless you have been with him every second of the day. I genuinely feel sorry for people this naive and guliable

Please don't ever, ever say that you put your children first.

You want to, but you're not there yet. (even if a boyfriend doesn't stay the night again)

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy Part of me wants to say I hope you're not for real, but that woukd almost be worse than the situation being real, to have made it all up.

I don't think people trying to reason with and help you is productive, you seen to enjoy getting a rise out of posters. You're not well. At all. Posters aren't reevaluating their beliefs when you say they're the ones in fantasy land - it just reinforces that you aren't in a good frame of mind.

I don't know for 100% sure but I know im keeping him satisfied to the point he doesn't need to look elsewhere.

I'm sorry, but you don't have a leg to stand on in this argument.

I do. I live in the real world and people here live in fantasy land and like to have their heads buried in the sand

I know it must be difficult for you to comprehend but a world where men respect women, practice safe sex, and where women have boundaries that safeguard them and their children does exist. It's just that you haven't experienced it yet.......you have an opportunity to ensure that your children grow up in a different world to the one you grew up in, but first you need to acknowledge that it exists.

There we go. "Keeping him satisfied". That's your marker of a good guy?

No. We do RISK ASSESSMENT.

Some parents ensure they’ve been dating a man for a good period of time before they allow him to stay over in our home with their children there.

Some parents never allow it until their kids are late teens.

Nobody is recommending hiding in the house - they’re advising not allowing a strange man to have access to your children while you are asleep.

I appreciate that you have now stopped doing this. Please do not start it again in 2 weeks on the basis that this is now enough time. It is not.

I don't know for 100% sure but I know im keeping him satisfied to the point he doesn't need to look elsewhere.

It really doesn't work like that.
I guess you believe that men who cheat just aren't satisfied at home.....somehow making it the woman's fault?

Genuinely when do you think is a good time and don't say a year