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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell new lad this is my room

990 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:20

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 11:37

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 11:31

So the risk is anybody having sex can get an std so everyone should be using condoms yet their not and don't seem to see anything wrong with that for themselves but have an issue with it for others

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OK, you didn’t read that comment.

No. Having sex is risky because of STDs. The risk increases if you have unprotected sex with many people. You have more chance of picking up an STD than if you have unprotected sex with one person in a monogamous relationship.

YES there is still a risk of contracting an STD in a monogamous relationship, but the risk is much less. Those you’re calling hypocrites have not reduced the risk to zero, but they have reduced the risk much more than you have.

It’s not all or nothing. That it’s possible to get an STI from a husband isn’t an argument for not bothering with condoms ever. Just as driving being dangerous isn’t an argument for not looking where you’re going when you do it. You can still get hit driving carefully but you’re much less likely to than if you’re driving blindfolded.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 11:39

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/05/2023 11:35

On the thread that was deleted she was adamant that EVERY parent drinks when they have their children and its the norm.

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I thought this too, because it was all I knew. Finding out they didn’t was devastating and took years to truly accept. I actually really feel for the OP in so many ways as it’s clear she’s been badly let down by her parents but then I get angry because there are now small kids she’s letting down herself.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 11:40

fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 11:37

OK, you didn’t read that comment.

No. Having sex is risky because of STDs. The risk increases if you have unprotected sex with many people. You have more chance of picking up an STD than if you have unprotected sex with one person in a monogamous relationship.

YES there is still a risk of contracting an STD in a monogamous relationship, but the risk is much less. Those you’re calling hypocrites have not reduced the risk to zero, but they have reduced the risk much more than you have.

It’s not all or nothing. That it’s possible to get an STI from a husband isn’t an argument for not bothering with condoms ever. Just as driving being dangerous isn’t an argument for not looking where you’re going when you do it. You can still get hit driving carefully but you’re much less likely to than if you’re driving blindfolded.

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So maybe you need to be telling all these people in long term relationships to use condoms to as the risk is still there

OP posts:
TheMoops · 30/05/2023 11:43

Risk is risk I wouldn't judge someone for something I was doing myself

But the two situations are very different...that's what people are saying.
It is FAR riskier to have unprotected, casual sex with a number of different partners that it is for a couple to have decided to no longer use protection because they're now in a monogamous relationship. Even with the risk of an affair thrown in....it's still not as risky.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 30/05/2023 11:43

OP it's great you have put into place the things you have to help yourself already and i really hope you stick with all of these.

Kindly, you need to stop arguing the level of risk of having unprotected sex with a long term and committed partner who has likely had an sti check before making the decision to stop using condoms, is the same as with a new guy who wasn't willing to wear one even the first time. That is why people are struggling to take the good work you've done seriously as you must be able to see the difference.

There is a risk everytime you decide to climb trees. Some are big and strong with sturdy branches but there's still a chance you could fall. Some aren't as well establish and their is a chance some of the smaller branches might break. There's risk with everything but there are various degrees of risk that are assessed based variable factors. I don't believe that you can't see the difference but are choosing not to which is ultimately your decision.

You're right that everyone is capable of cheating but not everyone wants to. Honestly good men do exist. I hope you do find one in the future.

Elevel · 30/05/2023 11:45

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/05/2023 11:35

On the thread that was deleted she was adamant that EVERY parent drinks when they have their children and its the norm.

Show quote history

This, and the constant replies asserting that everyone's behaviour is just as risky, make me think that she isn't going to change unless she wants to, and sadly it sounds like she'd rather justify her behaviour than change it.

OP, you said why not congratulate you for changes you say you've made, but the reality is, it isn't good enough when young children are involved. What good is cutting out drugs and alcohol when random men are still being allowed into their home? They're either in a safe environment, or they aren't. When kids are involved, taking big, completely avoidable risks aren't okay. My mum was a single parent for a lot of my childhood - no strange men ever came into the house when I was present. My now stepdad was introduced to me after months - and even then I was in my late teens! He didn't stay overnight until we'd gotten to know each other and I was comfortable after plenty of daytime activities (lunch together and the like).

CannotDoThisAnymore · 30/05/2023 11:47

Feel like this thread has turned into a bullying witch hunt. Ops getting help for her issues. These things take time.

If you start a post again change your username under settings so you don’t end up with people looking up past threads.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 11:47

Elevel · 30/05/2023 11:45

This, and the constant replies asserting that everyone's behaviour is just as risky, make me think that she isn't going to change unless she wants to, and sadly it sounds like she'd rather justify her behaviour than change it.

OP, you said why not congratulate you for changes you say you've made, but the reality is, it isn't good enough when young children are involved. What good is cutting out drugs and alcohol when random men are still being allowed into their home? They're either in a safe environment, or they aren't. When kids are involved, taking big, completely avoidable risks aren't okay. My mum was a single parent for a lot of my childhood - no strange men ever came into the house when I was present. My now stepdad was introduced to me after months - and even then I was in my late teens! He didn't stay overnight until we'd gotten to know each other and I was comfortable after plenty of daytime activities (lunch together and the like).

Show quote history

But iv said new men aren't gonna be here anymore when my daughter is here. So they are in a safe environment

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 11:47

CannotDoThisAnymore · 30/05/2023 11:47

Feel like this thread has turned into a bullying witch hunt. Ops getting help for her issues. These things take time.

If you start a post again change your username under settings so you don’t end up with people looking up past threads.

Ty ❤️

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/05/2023 11:49

CannotDoThisAnymore · 30/05/2023 11:47

Feel like this thread has turned into a bullying witch hunt. Ops getting help for her issues. These things take time.

If you start a post again change your username under settings so you don’t end up with people looking up past threads.

It doesnt matter how many times she changes name tbh, you can spot her posts from space.

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 30/05/2023 11:52

Of course you love your children. I don't think anyone is questioning that. But you can love your children and still engage in behaviour that is harmful to them. If you really want to put them first, it's essential to look at how your actions affect them. I appreciate that you have already taken some important steps. You still have a long way to go, as I'm sure you know.

I suspect you're lashing out at PPs because you know they're right. It's very true that a long-term supposedly monogamous partner has the potential to cheat. But in terms of contracting STDs, the risk is much, much greater if you are having casual sex with many partners (who in turn are also having sex with many other partners). You're an intelligent person, you know that is true.

To follow up on the driving analogy a PP suggested. Driving is an inherently dangerous activity. So people wear seatbelts, drive carefully, stick to the speed limit, abstain from alcohol before getting behind the wheel. Naturally, it is possible to get into a traffic accident even if you do all those things. But if you don't wear a seatbelt, drive too fast and recklessly, drink alcohol, etc. your chances of getting into an accident are much higher. It would be ridiculous to say, "Oh, well. Risk is risk. I might as well drink a bottle of wine, not wear a seatbelt, and drive 90 miles per hour."

Elevel · 30/05/2023 11:53

It's not really a witch hunt - multiple threads about all the changes which then don't happen. People are going to be concerned when children are involved, and frustrated when the advice they gave in good faith is repeatedly ignored, then yet another thread appears and posters are attacked for trying to help.
My first post was met with being told ny partner obviously cheats on me. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 11:55

Elevel · 30/05/2023 11:53

It's not really a witch hunt - multiple threads about all the changes which then don't happen. People are going to be concerned when children are involved, and frustrated when the advice they gave in good faith is repeatedly ignored, then yet another thread appears and posters are attacked for trying to help.
My first post was met with being told ny partner obviously cheats on me. 🤷‍♀️

But the changes have happened and are happening

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 11:58

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 30/05/2023 11:52

Of course you love your children. I don't think anyone is questioning that. But you can love your children and still engage in behaviour that is harmful to them. If you really want to put them first, it's essential to look at how your actions affect them. I appreciate that you have already taken some important steps. You still have a long way to go, as I'm sure you know.

I suspect you're lashing out at PPs because you know they're right. It's very true that a long-term supposedly monogamous partner has the potential to cheat. But in terms of contracting STDs, the risk is much, much greater if you are having casual sex with many partners (who in turn are also having sex with many other partners). You're an intelligent person, you know that is true.

To follow up on the driving analogy a PP suggested. Driving is an inherently dangerous activity. So people wear seatbelts, drive carefully, stick to the speed limit, abstain from alcohol before getting behind the wheel. Naturally, it is possible to get into a traffic accident even if you do all those things. But if you don't wear a seatbelt, drive too fast and recklessly, drink alcohol, etc. your chances of getting into an accident are much higher. It would be ridiculous to say, "Oh, well. Risk is risk. I might as well drink a bottle of wine, not wear a seatbelt, and drive 90 miles per hour."

I'm not lashing out I'm defending myself and people on here can give it but can't take it

OP posts:
BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 30/05/2023 12:02

But you do agree your behaviour is much riskier than that of someone in a long-term committed monogamous relationship?

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:03

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 30/05/2023 12:02

But you do agree your behaviour is much riskier than that of someone in a long-term committed monogamous relationship?

No I think a risk is a risk its 50/50 it's either gonna happen or its not

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 12:06

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:03

No I think a risk is a risk its 50/50 it's either gonna happen or its not

Show quote history

So do you drive without a seatbelt, having consumed alcohol, and not looking where you’re going?

Do you shut your door and lock your house when you leave it?

Or do you take steps to reduce your risk of being in an accident or burgled?

TheMoops · 30/05/2023 12:06

No I think a risk is a risk its 50/50 it's either gonna happen or its not

But that's not true on any level.

The risk of you getting an STD is far higher than someone who is in a monogamous relationship.

Womencanlift · 30/05/2023 12:08

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:03

No I think a risk is a risk its 50/50 it's either gonna happen or its not

Show quote history

That is not how you measure risk. It’s all about probability.

The probability of someone with multiple partners (who in turn have had multiple partners themselves) having an unwanted pregnancy or STI is higher than someone who has had less partners

fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 12:08

Actually, a more important question - are you going to advise your daughter to practice safe sex or not, if you genuinely believe that it makes no difference?

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:08

TheMoops · 30/05/2023 12:06

No I think a risk is a risk its 50/50 it's either gonna happen or its not

But that's not true on any level.

The risk of you getting an STD is far higher than someone who is in a monogamous relationship.

Put still possible so its up to the individual if they want to take that risk, but it is still a risk

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:09

fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 12:08

Actually, a more important question - are you going to advise your daughter to practice safe sex or not, if you genuinely believe that it makes no difference?

She will be going on the pill in a few years

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/05/2023 12:10

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 30/05/2023 12:09

She will be going on the pill in a few years

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Not what I asked and also not your decision, by the way, but that’s a whole other thread.

Will you be advising her to insist on condoms or not?

TheMoops · 30/05/2023 12:10

Put still possible so its up to the individual if they want to take that risk, but it is still a risk

But not all risks are equal.......don't you understand that?

Womencanlift · 30/05/2023 12:11

The pill doesn’t protect from everything so she won’t be practicing safe sex. And you would do anything for your kids… obviously not if you are not going to educate them properly. And the cycle will continue