To tell new lad this is my room

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

This happens time and again on MN and it's not helping OP in any way

@HappyFonz I have also noticed that it's a repeated problem with MN. A thread generates a lot of traffic because what people see is that young children are being harmed. Some people find it so distressing that they end up telling it a bit too straight and get put in the sin bin by HQ. Others find it so distressing that they try to "be kind" and help the OP where, as a PP says, all the relevant experts have failed. But what remains is children who are being put at risk of coming to serious emotional, psychological and/or physical harm.

There ought to be some way for MNHQ to deal with these threads. Suspending posters who are horrified by what they are reading and are failing to temper their anger and frustration is not dealing with it. Other posters hoping that they will somehow get through to someone who is clearly very, very damaged is not dealing with it. The OP in this case evidently does need people to talk to - but what she's saying is that she is unable to keep her older child safe when she has unsupervised access, because she can't sleep without a man - any man - in her bed. She is actually saying this in plain English. She says she will "die" and "do anything" for her child, but she still lets unknown men stay overnight in the house with the same child. Yet nobody can do anything to help that child.

I don't know what the answer is, but I do think it's something that HQ should think very carefully about, as this is by no means the only thread in which this has happened. People are admitting to serious failures to safeguard their own children, and absolutely nothing happens as a result.

There is actually another thread going on today where some posters are wringing their hands and demanding that MNHQ "escalates" things for the sake of the children.

Not to mention the thread where the OP is clearly unwell, and claiming that someone at her child's nursery is poisoning the child.

I can see that it's a tricky area for MNHQ, but I'd have thought they were putting themselves in a difficult position by not taking any kind of action. From a publicity pov, they wouldn't want to become known as the "site where people can anonymously confess to failing to safeguard their own children". I absolutely understand that many parents need to be able to 'talk' anonymously on the internet. But when what they are talking about is something that is putting children at risk, where does MN's responsibility begin and end?

I wouldn't be able to sleep with a light, fan or the tv on. So if a potential partner took the view my ability to sleep was "tough shit", I'd taken this as a clear indication we were incompatible and break it off.

Being able to sleep is fairly non-negotiable imo. If you can't sleep WITHOUT those things, and he can't sleep WITH them, I don't see much room for compromise. Find someone whose sleep requirements suit you better.

Given that you sign up with few personal details which don't have to be true what can mumsnet do?

I was once moderator on a much more open forum where a poster was suicidal. We knew the posters name and rough area of the country but not her address. I called the local police with the info I had to do a welfare check but even that was difficult to explain. Mumsnet likely wouldn't even have those details

I think its important to note,that while not excuse, @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy is living with serious trauma and addictions that are not easy for anyone to overcome.

It's all very well saying that XYZ needs to stop tonight, but there should be an awareness that telling a person who is fragile to immediately cease one type of coping behaviour could lead to a dangerous spiral. You can draw a comparison to the dangers of going cold turkey with alcohol leading to withdrawal symptoms.

So - @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy - I hope that any steps you take following this thread you do in a safe way, with the support of your mental health team and social services. I would hate for you to crash backwards while attempting to make forward strides - for your sake and for your girls.

Few of us are qualified to offer specialist instruction '- I know I'm not- so please, make sure you're open with those professionals who are supporting you about changes you're making so that they can help you to make them.

You're not even doing the most basic thing of attempting to keep them safe. You put your own needs first.

That really isn't terribly helpful.

I'm under drug and alcohol services who are helping me withdraw safely

If your not even gonna read my posts why comment

I have had ss breathing down my neck since before my first baby was even born do you honestly think if my daughter was in any actual immediate danger they would still allow for me to see her. They are supporting me in bettering myself for my girls

I know the thread has moved on quite a lot, but this is my actual idea of hell for trying to sleep. I need complete darkness and silence, I even wear earplugs. I don't mind white noise so a fan in the background is fine, actually quite comforting; but literally not a speck of light or other noise at all, otherwise it keeps me awake.

Are you not worried about not hearing your surroundings with earplugs

I do honestly believe that you are trying your best here, and that you are doing your utmost to seek support. But have you told SS that your daughter has been sleeping in the same house as a man whom you have known for one week? I suspect not, as I think they might regard that as "actual immediate danger".

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy

No, not at all. I hear my toddler if she cries and wakes in her sleep even with earplugs in, so that's the most important thing. It blocks out just enough so my sleep isn't disturbed, but I will hear the important things. I honestly cannot cope with the slightest noise, like someone breathing or just a car going past my house. Im such a light sleeper I'd be constantly woken if I didn't use earplugs.

I have read your posts and you have repeatedly said that you are not going to stop bringing strange men into the home your child is sleeping in.

If SS knew about this, you would lose the access you have. Which would clearly be for the best.

So instead of telling the truth, people should buy into a dangerous fiction that someone is "trying" - contrary to any self-confessed evidence - and congratulate them on reluglarly putting their children at risk while they regularly sleep with random men that they don't actually know, move men in after a couple of days knowing them, get drunk....Because that is doing nothing except excusing the OP their behaviours to be "kind" to the OP, and collude with putting their children at risk.

It IS helpful. OP needs to be told clearly that she is not doing the right thing.

She was so much worse before that she really thinks things are good now, when she's gone from unbelievably horribly dangerous to her children to just really still very dangerous.
She's gone from minus 50 to minus 10, but her perspective is so skewed she thinks she's in positive numbers.

I'm not being cruel to OP, she needs honesty. She needs a dose of reality.

100%. Brilliant post

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy
I've been thinking about you all day. And about how I was posting on both your threads yesterday.

And I do feel bad. I wasn't very kind, and I'm sorry for that. I do believe you're trying. And I do appreciate what you're trying to overcome.
You've been dealt a shitty, shitty hand, and that isn't your fault. And you've lived through some horrible things, and that's not your fault either.
And I believe that you genuinely think what/how you're parenting your children is better than how you were parented. And you may well be right. I don't know.

I didn't say any of that yesterday, or acknowledge you.
And I feel terrible about that.
So I'm saying it now. And hugs for you.

HOWEVER, and I'm saying this genuinely kindly, and with sympathy for all you're overcoming and acknowledging all the ways you are properly tryin, with all you have to overcome... all those barriers, and hurdles and disadvantages (many of which are not your fault): In my job/life/world, we talk a lot about "good enough" parenting.... not needing to be gold standard, just needing to be good enough.
And you're not.
What you're doing is NOT good enough.
Whilst your motivations to be a good parent are there, the love you have for your children is there, the desires for them is there. Its not enough. You're letting them down. And not in an "opposite, I failed in my diet, I'll start again tomorrow" kind of a way, in thar you're creating lasting damage to your DC kind of a way. That other people will have to TRY and pick the pieces up for. Just like you being in care as a child was the best of bad options.
So me and other posters being mean or harsh or overly blunt with you is just seeing the path for your DDs that OTHER PEOPLE will have to make horrible and difficult decisions FOR THEM, which will result in their horrible life stories, and the cycle will continue and go on and on with their children

If your children make terrible, life affecting choices because of your choices, all you'll be able to is wring your hands and/or say sorry and/or say its all your fault and/or hate yourself more. But it won't change anything

It's depressing and awful and sad

And I'm sorry

You can't change the past. Any of it. But have it within your power to change the now and to change the future.

For them and for you. And it's hard by a million gazillion. But it's possible
And only you can do it

Anyone else, be that a professional working with you, a friend/ex/family/support person, a stranger on the Internet, can ONLY tinker or pick up the pieces.
It HAS to come from you

And it doesn't ultimately matter whether anyone else is nice or nasty. You and only you matter. But it's not about you now, it's about those small people.

I've gone on enough.

Hugs to you. And hope.

And Rolf Harris had children. Everyone thought he was great, a cuddly uncle type, and how many children did he rape? OP was sexually abused as a child but puts her daughter in exactly the same danger …

❤❤❤ I will end the cycle

OP may I ask you a couple of questions about the presence of [relatively unknown] men at your home when you're having overnight contact with your daughter

1 Does your daughters father know about the current set-up?

2 What would happen if she mentioned it to her father?

3 Is Social Services aware of the current arrangements for contact?

4 Are other professionals eg your CPN aware?

Just puzzled how you sleep at all? Dark, silent and well ventilated for me too! Sounds like you may not be a great match.

We've managed to compromise I no longer have TV or fan on but still have landing light on and use my phone after he's asleep