To tell new lad this is my room

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

Yes at the moment I'm restricted with when I can see them but it's not always been like this I have looked after both my children. If it wasn't for me my eldest would be in the system as her dad didn't want anything to do with her for the first couple of years of her life

I am literally my cat's favorite thing.

I don't know that it would be fair to bring a pet into a situation as chaotic as this but a cat or a dog might help you. Keep you company, give you something to take care of.

I had a feeling you'd respond like this.

• you have given birth to two children who have been removed from your care.

• you are still drinking alcohol.

• you were sectioned under the mental health act a couple of weeks ago.

You are hardly in a position to say you're responsible enough to care for a dependent pet.

Please don't say that. The OP cannot take care of herself or her children, never mind a pet.

Google "covert incest" or "emotional incest".

It's not anything sexual, it's when the adult relies on the child for support that would normally be provided by another adult. Like having your 10 year old cuddling with you at night because you can't sleep alone due to past trauma.

The child is a crutch to the parent, can become codependent, or regard their parent as "their best friend" rather than a source of emotional support to the child.

@fitzwilliamdarcy wasn't implying anything weird, just that it's not in your daughter's best interests to be cuddled to sleep to meet your needs.

The worrying thing to me, OP, is that the men you allow in the house with your sleeping child are men you say "expect sex" after every date and would never wear a comdom. These are the dregs, not decent people. Why allow your children to be around such lousy men?

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy while it's clear to posters- and I think you, too- that you have some distance still to go I want to say I admire you for sticking with this thread and listening to opinions shared here without losing your rag (as most others would do).

You've had more to deal with than most people and clearly lived through some horrific experiences. You might still have more to learn but I can see how far you've come and how willing you are to listen and to learn and I think that's a huge achievement. Your night-time fears and need for light and tv, and someone with you, to feel secure are really not surprising given your early experiences.

One thing jumped out at me in your posts, which is that you're not sure what stability would like like for your cpn, aside from quitting drugs and alcohol and not being arrested. As you continue to get better you will need to clearly understand what stability looks like for you and your children so do ask your cpn whenever you need clarification. (I think we can all agree that having friends over in your bed when your children are there isn't it!).

You're still very young and I'm glad your girls have such good dads. Keep learning and being keen to learn and well done for listening to what people have to say. I'm rooting for all 3 of you.

Thankyou ❤️

I'm not. You're saying that you cannot sleep alone without a cuddle from a male partner. You're now suggesting that your daughter fulfil that role. That is what emotional incest means. Feel free to google it - I'm not inventing it as a concept.

I never said I can't sleep alone without a male partner cuddling me I said I can't sleep alone

If it wasn't for me my eldest would be in the system as her dad didn't want anything to do with her for the first couple of years of her life

But you say he's a great dad?
How old is he, out of interest?

He is now he wasn't back then he's 32.

It was your justification for being unable to not have a random man sleeping in your bed.

Either way, it’s an emotional need that needs to be fulfilled by another adult, not a child.

OP is there anything you think might help you feel safe at night when you are alone?

A night light? Music? Extra locks on the doors? If you could picture a safe and cozy room to sleep in alone what does it look like? If you could imagine the safest most secure place? Then see what steps you can take? If you need a teddy bear, nightlight or whatever makes you feel comfortable try and take it step by step so you feel less overwhelmed at the idea and so you can at least sleep by yourself when your child is in the house.

I genuinely know no adults who sleep with a light or fan on let alone both and noise... I know this from holiday, weekends away etc. But it is your room!

Oh god. Are you really this naive??

You don't know what they're doing when you're asleep. And being a Disney mum doesn't make you a good one.

Do your girls' fathers know there are strange men in the house with their daughters?

No!!

@007DoubleOSeven has put this well. OP you are getting a lot of tough love and you need it. You do need to urgently stop having blokes over when your children are there or stop your children over. There is no middle ground here and you are failing your children if you don’t act on this immediately. You must stop using your mental health issues and addictions as an excuse.

That said I do think you are learning, albeit in a two steps forward two steps back way. And you are listening and listening to some pretty harsh home truths and you do deserve credit for that.

I would suggest you need to focus very specifically on addressing this idea that you feel you can’t bear to sleep on your own. That’s the absolute priority to flag to your psychiatrist and social worker.

Please try to use this thread in a constructive way and deal with this very specific urgent threat to your children.

I wish you all the best. I feel like there’s a smart and warm person in there. But for your children’s sake please please get your shit together.

Thankyou ❤️

You literally said that you couldn't stop bringing random men into your home with your child there because you can't sleep alone.

Well I can't bring random women in to my house to hold me to sleep can I

Re-read my earlier post OP where I said about learning to depend on YOURSELF. That includes learning to depend on yourself when it comes to sleeping alone.

It is a feature of BPD that we place responsibility onto others to meet all of our needs - but it’s not healthy, and then when they fall even a tiny bit short (because it’s not healthy or sustainable) we then cut them off.

You believe you cannot sleep alone. You can. But you need to learn how. It feels frightening, it feels strange, it feels uncomfortable. And because of the BPD those emotions are amplified 10,000x

But part of learning to manage the BPD is learning to sit with and accept unpleasant emotions.

At the moment it feels like if you are alone you will die, or something terrible will happen.

You MUST challenge those thoughts. They are what’s known as thought distortions. Learning to identify and challenge them is part of managing BPD.

It is dangerous for you to keep filling the space in your bed with random men. It’s dangerous for you and dangerous for your daughter.

You need to stop.

Start with the nights tou have your daughter over. It must be just you and her in the house, no men.

Don’t use her to fill the space either. You need to fill your OWN space. Keep reminding yourself you are NOT alone, your daughter is safely sleeping in the next room.

Try a full length body pillow if you want something to hug.

You are the only one who can break the cycle.

You really don't give a shit about your kids, do you?

I'm determined to do this Friday ❤

If that was true I wouldn't be doing any of the stuff I'm doing now to be better for them.