To tell new lad this is my room

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

She has already said though that she is thinking about it.

She can say oh yes your right - I will never do it again, and get you all of her back.... but she doesn't. Why do you think that is?

Because these threads aren't about whatever the op originally says. It's just another way of punishing herself and having people confirm she is a useless, worthless failure.

I personally think not engaging at all would be the kindest thing but I, like you, can't seem to help it on such an emotive topic.

And for what it's worth, I agree that there shouldn't be over night stays for the daughter at this point based on the info we have here. I don't have any authority over that though.

All I can do is show a bit of empathy and compassion and encourage the OP to take the advice offered.

Op don’t stop posting, ignore anyone who tells you to. They are not thinking of you. It’s clear you use these threads to talk to people, likely when alone, and you do hear some of what’s said. So keep posting, most folks are with you and trying to guide

I like dark and quiet at night, definitely no landing light. If I was in a relationship with someone who needed noise and light to get to sleep it would be a casual relationship with me going home at night.

OP, you said you knew your daughters will never be like you because they have great dads, but on a previous thread you wrote this about your 10-year-old:

I agree @ZeroFuchsGiven. I’m currently in therapy for CPTSD due to my childhood and I decided not to have kids unless and until I’d sorted myself out so that the pattern wouldn’t repeat.

I think so many on MN think that if you’re not displaying #bekind and being all “there there” then you must a naive person who’s never had anything go wrong in their own life so can’t understand what traumatised people look like and do.

The reason I say you lot don't get it is because none of you saw what I was like a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. And what Improvements i have made especially over the past year and some of that is down to replies on here. I have completely stopped taking drugs, that's a massive achievement. I'm working on stopping alcohol again after a relapse so that I get unsupervised with my youngest again and posters on here helped me see that, that's the way to get her back. I have listened to the posters on this thread about having men I hardly know around my girls and iv taken that on board especially what a previous poster said about her own upbringing and it made her feel like she wasn't enough and that honestly broke my heart if either of my girls felt like that. I have been engaging with services on a regular basis including mh, d&a and ss. Apart from a blip the other month with a s136 I haven't been sectioned on a 2 or 3 for almost a year. I also haven't been arrested for almost a year. Even though my life or my parenting may not seem perfect to you lot. I genuinely have come so far and people in real life are seeing that. These posts do help me with seeing things from a different perspective and often make me stop and think about the choices I'm making. I didn't have a normal upbringing I have no idea how to be a mother and I was thrown into it when I became pregnant at 15 while living in a care home. Iv had to learn as I go. Yes iv made mistakes and yes I'm not perfect but I am trying.

It's great that you're doing better and its great that you feel good about it. It's great that you're trying.

But you do need to immediately do better. You need to stop having men over when your daughter is there. You need to stop now. Today. There is no time to try on this one.
Keep trying on the rest. But on this topic...stop today.

Well this thread certainly turned.

but to answer the original point, it’s not normal to sleep with a tv and lights on. We have a fan for white noise but pitch black. Sometimes have the windows open until the birds start tweeting at 5am, at which point it admittedly does become annoying.

Even my twins needed pitch black from six months old to sleep.

I'm starting to think I might be scared of the dark because I could never sleep like this 😳. I also can't have the window open doesn't it worry you that someone will climb in during the night or that bugs will come in.

It's all well and good just saying this but I can't be alone and I can't sleep alone

Get a cat?

Would you be able to sleep with a Teddy bear or something else to make you feel secure or does it have to be a real person?

Ok, but then stop having your child at your house if you're not willing to stop having random men there.

It's a simple choice. Sleep alone when your child is there, or don't have them there.
There is no other option that doesn't put your child at huge and immediate risk.

I'm gonna try this Friday unless my daughter wants to cuddle with me to sleep

Cats don't like people

Only Spider-Man would manage to climb through a second floor window so no, im
not worried 🤣 and I have blinds to keep the bugs out.

have you had any therapy? It does sound like you have some issues around sleep which is probably understandable for someone with a history of trauma.

That isn't her job. That's bordering on emotional incest - she's fulfilling an emotional need of yours that you'd otherwise be seeking from a partner. My mum did this, and it really, really messed me up.

You need to learn to sleep alone. Yes, it's crap. Yes, you're scared. But this is not acceptable for your children. And they take priority, because they're here now.

I guarantee that if you do not want a cat to sleep on your bed with you, the cat will immediately do so - because cats do like people and they also like doing th opposite of what you wish they'd do.

I do not think you should get a cat, by the way. You have to be very responsible to care for a pet and I doubt if you have the emotional energy to do that at the moment.

This would be an issue for me. My DP has the telly on to fall asleep but we’ve compromised that it’s turned down and at my house we don’t have TV on in bed. We negotiate room temp at night, he needs colder so I put on pjs. The landing light thing would drive me nuts. The fan will soon be a negotiation as he mentioned using one in the summer… I don’t have one.

If you want to share space with someone it behoovs both of you to compromise.

We've got down to no TV or fan but keeping landing light on and me using my phone when he's asleep

Omg 🤣🤣 its a cat I have 2 children I'm sure I would cope. I was feeding my neighbours cat the other week while they where on holiday and it survived. I don't want a cat but I'm more then capable of looking after one

Don't turn me cuddling my daughter into something weird

But you don't have two children...in your care. They have been removed from you as you can't care for them. What makes you think you could look after a cat? I can't see anything to suggest a pet would be very safe with you.