To tell new lad this is my room

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

There is no such thing as ‘normal’ there is only what we prefer.

oh OP, every man i've ever slept with (ok it's barely into double figures and I'm ancient but there you go) has waited until we decided, together, that we'd have sex. And then we used condoms as well until we were sure we wanted an exclusive relationship. Then testing then no condoms.

Please try it. You are worth more than just being a shag after a night out to someone.

Why are you so sure that your 10yr old daughter isn't being put at risk of sexual predators in her home with these men you being back after knowing them for a week.
Are social services and the 10yr olds father aware of this?
If you only have your DC limited time why can't you put them 1st and not have anyone else stay over when they are there?
Why would you allow your DC to be at risk of abuse if you were a victim of it yourself?

It's not people derailing your threads. It's you being incredibly recognisable and you coming up with new ways to talk about your trauma and dysfunctional relationships.

As you've come in for criticism with your numerous other thread's about your dysfunctional sex life. You came up with a new way to let people know about what you're doing.

You have BPD and you're an addict. These threads gets you attention, which you crave. Even if it's negative you thrive on it.

This is a good start but why are you not committing to the whole weekend and every time she’s there until in a relationship? Why can’t you do this every weekend? Her excitement shows she Really doesn’t like strange blokes there.

It also shows how unusual it is for her mother to prioritize her.

It shows that her mother literally never does anything normal and nice with her, and will still probably cancel or cut it short to drink and have sex with some random man who will be in the house with the daughter.

Probably best if it was supervised visitation for both children.

Yes, it’s very sad. I can see why the op doesn’t have custody, I’m not even sure the elder daughter should be allowed to stay the night if randoms stay and have sex with her mother when she’s there.

the op said she loved her kids and would die for them, so I was literally hoping she’d do one tiny thing and not have blokes there, but it seems she’s not willing to even do this little thing for them, this one night, which she be standard is sadly some sort of treat for the girl.

I’d not even be surprised if she’s doing it only as the bloke isn’t available that night.

Her older daughter should most definitely not be staying the night. If the OP had posted her ex was behaving in this way then every single post would be telling her supervised visit only if there must be contact, but if possible avoid any contact or do a runner with the kids. The fact that the most normal thing on this thread is the bizarre sleeping habits of the OP is really very sad and disturbing

Hey OP,

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, my therapist says I have traits of it but hasn't diagnosed yet.

I am currently having schema therapy, maybe that's something you could try if it's offered on your area?

So much of your posts resonate with me and o want to give you a hug and say I get it, I am that same damaged little girl desperate to be loved and safe too.

I really don't think most people on Mumsnet can understand quite how difficult it is to deal with and I really don't think all the bashing and hand wringing will be doing your mental state any good either.

Sending you strength and encouragement, your girls seem to have lots of strong adults looking out for them and it's clear you love them. If there is one bit of advice I have seen on the thread that I would encourage you to take, it's please don't have new men in your house while your daughter is there. You have 5 nights a week to do as you please but give her the chance to not grow up like us. Don't let history repeat itself

I'm actually trying to do better and have made some massive improvements in my life in order to get my time back with my youngest. So why would anyone advise that I should lose more contact

Because you're not doing better. You're bringing unknown men into your house with your child. You should lose overnight contact with her because you are completely unwilling to keep her safe.

Ty and I really appreciate hearing from someone who actually gets it as its blatantly obvious from all my threads that most people don't. I'm gonna make a lot more effort to spend 1 on 1 time with my children and I will literally do anything to stop history repeating itself ❤

Honestly most people won't get it, but that's a good thing. I am happy for those that don't get it, they haven't been through the trauma that we have. They don't feel the overwhelming feelings that we do.

BPD is a horrendous thing to try and deal with. You know that you are trying and yes in some peoples eyes that's not good enough but they don't know what you have overcome to get where you are.

I am glad you are thinking about not having men around your girls. I know you think you would never let anything happen to them, but predators are cunning and really how could you stop it.

Hope some of this sinks in and you carry on leaning on the support you have available.

Why? I love my pitch black house in a very rural setting where foxes say good night. I would hate it if I had the lights or the TV on. Darkness and quiet are good to keep your circadian rhythm working.

People do get it, though. But people also get that your children are at the mercy of you and the other adults in their lives. So until you become aware of how your actions impact on them and make changes, those little girls are in danger because of you. Very few people here are going to be accepting and tolerant of that, even if they understand BPD. A number of people here have been those little girls.

Stopping drinking is great, but bringing strange men into your children's home is terrible. That one is easy to fix, but you won't do it because it means you have to do something that doesn't benefit you. Everything you do is about benefitting you, regardless of who else it hurts. That is the cycle you need to break, especially when you have children. Your needs have to come second to theirs.

I can’t say it enough, so then stop men being in your home, any time of the day or night , when your child is there. You keep saying you will do anything. So do this. It’s minor. Stop putting blokes above your child.

Can I just please ask you to take a look at your posts an have a think.

You have boundaries when it comes to your sleeping habits are willing to risk having a bloke walking about because they don't like sleeping the same way you do but not willing to refuse sex if they won't wear a condom? Please protect yourself. Treat your body as respectfully as you do your sleeping environment.

People really do get it. We get that it doesn't actually matter why the OP is not safeguarding her children, it matters that she isn't. Her diagnoses isn't relevant on a practical level.
If she unable to keep them safe, she shouldn't have them with her, ever.

Can people stop with the 'people don't get it' bullshit. Honestly If I wrote my life story on here from when I was born I would be called a troll because I have seriously been through some shit and most of it sounds incredibly unbelievable.

What I haven't done is get pissed and stoned, lose my kids, sleep around and act recklessly. I haven't had any family support and been on my own from the age of 15 with a child of my own.

What I have done is made sure my kids have NOT had the childhood I had.

So please stop with the patronising people don't understand crap ffs.

Woe is me I've had such a hard life blah blah blah, Top and bottom of it is only you can fix it.

I believe that you're doing your best. I really do believe that.
You've had a terrible start in life. Your views regarding what improvements you've made are probably different to the views of most people on this thread.
You're trying to cut down on drinking. You're trying to resist taking drugs which haven't been prescribed.
You're trying to think of something to do with your ten year old daughter when you have access.
You're trying not to have random lads round (I hope).

Please can you also start thinking about building up your self-esteem. Having unprotected sex with an array of partners should be making you feel distressed.
It isn't healthy.

And yes, I am saying "unprotected sex" because you're not using condoms and you frequently forget to take the pill.

The professionals and other adults involved in the daughters lives are better placed to judge that than a load of strangers on the internet.

The OP has made bad decisions and acknowledges it, what do you actually expect from her? A solemn oath to never do it again?

The OP should stop posting these threads because 90 strangers having a pile on and telling her what a failure she is will only feed the self hate. It's just another form of self harm isn't it. She knows she just a fuck it so she posts these threads so everyone else can confirm it and prove to herself she is worthless. And here is everyone jumping all over themselves to do just that.

Yes the children are at risk from the OPs actions, yes it has been pointed out. Let the actual professionals do their job and protect them.

All that is happening now is people making themselves feel better by kicking a poster when she is clearly in the middle of a mental health crisis and shouldn't be anywhere near the internet. I dread to think of the damage being caused!

And OP, in five years, your daughter will be the age you were when you got pregnant with her.
You need to teach her about looking out for herself, and helping her not to make some of the mistakes you made.

The professionals have removed the OP's children nad have recently restricted her access even further, so it looks like we're on the same page.

Yes the OP has made bad decisions and has acknowledged that, but the crucial point you gloss over is that she is continuing to make those bad decisions. She is continuing to bring strange men into the home putting her child at risk.

It;s not about giving OP a kicking, its about trying to get her to understand that her current choices are the wrong ones and while she thinks she's doing great now, she is not. She needs to understand that, clearly the professionals have not convinced her.

She should stop postingm yes. But if she does, we will continue to give her honest answers. Who knows, maybe something might actually get through to her.