To tell new lad this is my room

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

Yeah you can, you just say 'OK, we aren't having sex then' . They whack a condom on faster than you have ever seen. 😉

I'm gonna try this but I guarantee he will look at me like I have 2 heads 🤣

You said you would die for your children. Will you give up alcohol and drugs for them? Will you give up risky sex with random men for them?

It's easy to say that you'd die for your children because it's highly unlikely you will ever be called upon to do so. But which actual steps will you take to protect your children, steps that are actually possible for you to take?

Iv given up drugs and I'm in the process of quitting drinking so yes

He's a twat in that case. You can withdraw your consent for sex if you don't want it without a comdom. Any decent man will respect that.

That's a step in the right direction. Why not quit alcohol completely (under medical supervision if necessary)? And risky sex?

Because last time I was hospitalised for 2 weeks and it was hell I'd rather not repeat that

Where are these decent men who are happy waiting weeks/months for sex and always wear condoms cus iv never met any

Raise your standards. Tell them no unprotected sex. Stick with it. The good men will show out from that.

I wonder if you don't meet them cos you are getting stuck wasting time with wrong uns?

Also, if we have been through abuse growing up.... we do tend to be attracted to absolute chaos and have super low standards cos we just feel lucky anyone is paying us any attention... so we accept shit and toxic love. It is pretty hard to turn people away when we just want attention (even if it is bad attention).

The good guys are out there, but you actually have to hold out for them, the only ones who come rolling up on our doorstep are usually bad news.

You owe it to your children to be as healthy as possible, physically and emotionally. And that means making a commitment to stop all your self-destructive habits. I'm not saying that will be easy. It's much easier to say you'd die for your children when you're not even willing to give up risky sex.

I really feel for you, since your childhood sounds utterly chaotic and traumatic. But now you are an adult, a mother. Please don't let the pattern repeat for your children.

They’re out there but you have to stop having sex with the ones that aren’t like that. You do actually have agency over your own life. A lot of your posts make it sound like things just happen to you - men not wearing condoms, men having to have sex with you on the 1st “date”. They don’t just happen. You are entitled to refuse, and require better.

I suspect - like me - you grew up in such a dreadful way that you will read that and think I’m completely bonkers, but I promise you that it’s true. It’s not easy, because you may have an inner voice telling you that you have to accept whatever shit is handed out to you and be grateful, but that’s not true. And you can change it, simply by practising. “No sex without a condom.” “No, I don’t want to have sex with you.”

It gets easier, the more you do it.

You need to start thinking of your children and prioritising them. Would you want your life for your daughters? If not, don’t accept it for yourself.

I have BPD, i used to be you OP (pre children).

You are using these men as a distraction, because you cannot bare to be alone, because when you are alone you either don’t know who you are or you despise what you see.

You are the ONLY person that can move yourself out of chaos and into recovery - no one, not your CPN, not your psychiatrist, only YOU. You need to learn to be in your own company, learn to tolerate being alone and what that feels like for you, and learn that you won’t die if you are on your own for a while (because I know it feels like that’s what will happen). You need to be your own distraction, your own comfort, your own safety, your own conscience. You cannot rely on other people, and place responsibility for you feeling ok onto others - this has to come from inside you.

And the longer you place the responsibility for your stability on others, the longer it will take and the more you will continue to be harmed.

My children will absolutely no way be anything like me. If I did anything right in life it was picking their dads they've both really stepped up. Even though I'm on bad terms with the youngest dad right now and I think he's an asshole. I have never had to question his ability as a father and he loves that little girl more then anything and he will protect her at all costs.

Have you never met any or have you never asserted yourself to see if any will stick around if you don’t give in to what they want?
It sounds like you have very low self-esteem and are afraid of being alone, which isn’t surprising given your trauma. It’s easier to wait for the right person when you aren’t desperate for affection/sex.

I would really try to work on your self-esteem and your standards in men before getting into another relationship. If he refuses to wear a condom what he’s saying is he doesn’t enough about you to care if he gives you an infection. If he doesn’t want to be with you if you won’t have sex with him every day from the get-go then what he’s saying is that he is using you for sex and doesn’t care about you as a person. You should be with someone who does care about you and respects your boundaries and body.

You do know that you are allowed to protect your own health and say No?

I honestly think this is the hardest lesson to learn when you have a mental illness that only you can save you. I spent years in and out of hospital begging to be helped thinking some mh worker is going to come along with a magic wand and fix everything and it's just not the reality. All I wanted was a family and iv lost everything due to my own behaviours. Now I just feel stuck because I'm terrified to be alone but my actions have the opposite effect and push everyone away. God isn't bpd fun it's a real barrel of laughs round here 🙈🤣🤣.

This is absolutely every kind of wrong but I don't know how we could make you see it.

Your children will think it's normal to have a procession of random men in your house.

Is that what you want for them to copy?

Does her father behave the same? Does she see it there too?

No her dad has a long term girlfriend. Their like a proper family over at his

I hate to remind you of this, OP, but on another thread (from today) you said that sex with your current boyfriend wasn't any good, and you preferred your FWB.

So really, it doesn't matter if he likes the light turned off or not.

I haven't got a current boyfriend I assume your talking about my ex from a few months ago who I dumped because the sex was 💩 and it was better with my fwb

@TheShellBeach maybe you should join my other thread i posted today about weirdos creeping round my old threads from months ago to use against me instead of answering a simple question. You would fit in really well over there

It's not necessarily to use against you but to see the full picture and help

We do spend quality time together but I don't see how it matters what I'm doing when she's asleep

That's part of the problem, OP. What if she is sick in the night or has a nightmare or needs you for some other reason? She needs to know that you are fully there for her while you and she are physically together. As it is, her time with you is spent knowing that she's not your first priority. I know you believe she is - but if that's the case, her time at your house needs just to be spent just with you. Not with a third party who isn't a permanent feature in either of your lives.

Waiting until she's asleep before you start shagging is not good enough.

Even if you think everyone else is being stupid/failing to understand you, do at least try to take something from the very sensible and empathetic posts by other women who had difficult childhoods and have turned things round.

I know. im listening