To be fuming about ex and holiday?

[sparkellie]

My ex turned up last weekend and casually announced that he is going on holiday with his gf for 10 days in October. Therefore just assuming that I will be able to look after the kids.
I am fuming as he expects me to take my holiday to have the kids at the weekend (when my partner also works). For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work, the weekend I don't work Saturday I have them. He doesn't see them in the week.
Aibu here? Honestly I don't get what makes him think it's OK to do this without running it past me first. I can't guarantee holiday for that weekend will be approved, and it's so rude to think he can just leave it with me.
To add, if he had come to me with some dates and asked when I would be able to have the kids so they could go away I wouldn't have had an issue.

Can't you just tell him he needs to organise childcare to cover his days?

‘Ok. Who have you arranged to have the kids on your days?’

Sadly,, you are right, and it will almost certainly end up being your problem but I’d still bat it back to him first.

I duno it's not like it's super short notice and this might have been the only dates that worked so maybe there wasn't much room for negotiation. If you can't get the time off maybe let him know he needs to sort child care

Ask him who he has arranged to collect the kids on his weekends

I've checked my work diary and that doesnt work for me/can't book A/L on those dates.
Let me know who you have collecting the kids on your days, he has 5 months to arrange, he shouldn't have assumed you would take your annual leave to cover his holiday.

I asked what happens if I cant get the time off and he said he doesn't know.
My son has asd so childcare options are limited. It's pretty much me, him or his parents.
The chances are I probably can get the time off, but I resent having to use my holiday for him to go away, when you can guarantee he wouldn't do the same. I wouldn't go away without the kids anyway though as they don't stay at his overnight so it won't ever be an issue.

The problem is we both know that in the end it will be me that sorts it. He won't not go, and hasn't even apologised for not checking the dates with me first. If he had done I could have checked holiday dates for me and my partner (we work in the same place) and arranged to do something together rather than wasting my holiday on a weekend we can't do anything purely so he can go away.

The problem is we both know that in the end it will be me that sorts it. He won't not go, and hasn't even apologised for not checking the dates with me first. If he had done I could have checked holiday dates for me and my partner (we work in the same place) and arranged to do something together rather than wasting my holiday on a weekend we can't do anything purely so he can go away.

Can't you get him to ask his parents as it's his weekend ?

He should have asked, but when can he ever take a holiday if he has this kids every single weekend? Maybe a compromise would be best.

I can but surely as a responsible adult who I am not inappropriate relationship with, its down to him to sort for himself? He has the ability to think for himself, he's just choosing not to and expecting me to do it for him!

He has 6 days he doesn't have them, and like I said I would have been quite happy to have arranged around him IF he had bothered to be considerate enough to ask.
We aren't in a relationship but it's like he thinks it's OK to use my time to suit him. He doesn't have that right any more.

That should say in a relationship with not inappropriate!!

Tell him you've talked to your work and they have agreed one weekend but not the other or something? But YANBU to be pissed off that he is making decisions that affect your work...however as him having them every weekend facilitates your work I think I'd be careful about pissing him off too much

I think you are overreacting a little bit as he has given you plenty of notice, he does have them every weekend so he doesnt have any child free downtime of he works weeks (I appreciate that means you probably dont either because if your work patterns). I do think its reasonable for you to make it clear to him in future he needs to check with you beforehand when making plans to ensure you can be available.

You're probably right.

In all fairness he has given you a lot of notice. Ok perhaps the heads up before they booked would have been better but ultimately he has to be able to go away sometimes, and perhaps for your flexibility he can let you go away child free at some point

Honestly, I think it’s fair notice. You rely on him too so I’d try to make it work.

Like every other parent he needs to check with the other parent dates etc before booking or arrange alternative child care

6 days is not a weeks holiday though, or 10 days holiday, or 2 weeks. Is it? But he should have asked. I dont think he's being unreasonable for wanting to go, or going. But he should have asked. He has the kids every single weekend.

I think you need to work out what the main issue is. Is it having the kids? Or the fact that he didn’t ask in advance? Or the fact that he’s going on a fancy holiday and probably wouldn’t take his kids anywhere half that nice!

Overall if he’s a decent dad and you have a workable relationship I think I would do it this time but make it clear that you expect notice before he books the holiday and that next time he will have to check with his parents. Maybe add that as you’ve now used all of your paid leave, next time he will have to reimburse you if you have to take unpaid leave (if you can get it). Put this in an email so he knows you mean it.

Maybe you could even suggest sitting down at Christmas and working out who’s taking leave when for the next year to cover holidays?

And then think about how you can make the most of the holiday in October with your kids so you’re not picturing him on a beach in Thailand whilst you’re in Asda! Even a nice long weekend or a few days in a premier inn if your kids are into that sort of thing.

Which is precisely what I said. He should have asked.

It won't ever be the other way around. He doesn't have the kids overnight.
I know it's plenty of notice, and I don't want him to never go away, just to appreciate that my time is as valuable as his. Even an apology for not having checked would make a massive difference.

It's absolutely that he hasn't checked the dates with me first.
We do arrange holiday each year as in making sure school holidays are covered, but we've never needed to do more than that as I've never considered it to be my business what he does with his time off. As he's self employed he can take what he wants, obviously money dependant.
I will do it as in the end it needs to be done and I wouldn't let the kids down. I am just upset that his holiday has now put me under stress making sure childcare is arranged when he is more than capable of sorting it himself or speaking to me first.

He has them every Sunday. 3/4 Saturdays he has them until lunchtime. He does not have them in the week.
If I went to him and said I'm off on holiday for a week you've got the kids, he wouldn't do it. He'd say he had to work so he can pay maintenance.