Page 4 | To be fuming about ex and holiday?

sparkellie · 2023-05-23T08:26:43+00:00

My ex turned up last weekend and casually announced that he is going on holiday with his gf for 10 days in October. Therefore just assuming that I will be able to look after the kids. I am fuming as he expects me to take my holiday to have the kids at the weekend (when my partner also works). For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work, the weekend I don't work Saturday I have them. He doesn't see them in the week. Aibu here? Honestly I don't get what makes him think it's OK to do this without running it past me first. I can't guarantee holiday for that weekend will be approved, and it's so rude to think he can just leave it with me. To add, if he had come to me with some dates and asked when I would be able to have the kids so they could go away I wouldn't have had an issue.

Daffodilmorning · 23/05/2023 16:15

The amount of PP saying ‘oh but he has them every weekend, when is he supposed to go away?’ is so sad. Is this really the standard we hold dads to?

Yes, he has his own children every weekend (so that their mum can work and provide a home for them). No one is wondering how the OP will fit in a holiday when she has her children every week day. The expectation is that she takes them with her, or organises childcare herself.

Why is it different for her ex? Because he has a penis?

No OP, you’re not unreasonable to be annoyed. Realistically I’m not sure what you can do, but he is definitely an arse.

rwalker · 23/05/2023 16:26

It’s shit that he didn’t ask but he has them every weekend
if he changed that it would effect your ability to work
digging your heels in may be a home goal

powerrangers · 23/05/2023 16:33

@AnnWithoutAnnie He has the kids pretty much every weekend so you can work, I'd cut him some slack.Why doesn't he have themovernight though?
He has them every Sunday because he is their father not so the OP can work

powerrangers · 23/05/2023 16:41

Wow the low requirements people have of dads. This charger sees his dc 1 day plus a few hours some Saturdays and no overnighters and people in here saying the OP is unreasonable. For suggesting he communicate with her before planning something that requires even more of her time is consumed

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 16:48

rwalker · 23/05/2023 16:26

It’s shit that he didn’t ask but he has them every weekend
if he changed that it would effect your ability to work
digging your heels in may be a home goal

I suppose it depends how you look at it. If he had them half the week I'd have an awful lot more availability for work and a lot more free time. That's not the issue though. I'm quite happy with the arrangement we have, I just don't want to be responsible for arranging childcare cover when it's his time with them. As I've said a few times the issue I have is that he has booked this without making any arrangements for the kids, and left it as my problem to solve. If I want to do something when I'm meant to have the kids, it's my responsibility to arrange childcare, the same should apply for him.

OP posts:

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 16:49

powerrangers · 23/05/2023 16:33

@AnnWithoutAnnie He has the kids pretty much every weekend so you can work, I'd cut him some slack.Why doesn't he have themovernight though?
He has them every Sunday because he is their father not so the OP can work

@powerrangers

For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work

you might want to take the OP's posts into account! A lot of non resident parents only have them EOW, I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it's what the OP herself said.

powerrangers · 23/05/2023 16:52

@AnnWithoutAnnie so you feel he has them so the OP can work? That's the reason? Then that makes him even more shit. You'd think he would have them because he is their father.

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 16:53

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 16:49

@powerrangers

For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work

you might want to take the OP's posts into account! A lot of non resident parents only have them EOW, I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it's what the OP herself said.

Show quote history

Yep. Most would do 48 hrs or more every 2 weeks plus a night in the week. He does 8 hours on a sun and 6 on the Sat's, literally the hours i work. So quite a lot less in terms of actual hours. As I've said, that's not the issue here though.

OP posts:

vampiressuck · 23/05/2023 16:54

I've parented alone 24/7 for decades with no support, plus it's months away.

Just have your kids.
No biggy.

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 16:58

vampiressuck · 23/05/2023 16:54

I've parented alone 24/7 for decades with no support, plus it's months away.

Just have your kids.
No biggy.

I'm sorry you have to do that and try and work too. It's not a race to the bottom though. It is quite a biggie if i cant get time off and his parents can't have them though. Hopefully I will know by the end of the week. Im not after changing the arrangement we have, just him actually being responsible for the time he's supposed to have them.

OP posts:

mycoffeecup · 23/05/2023 17:07

Sounds lovely. What have you sorted for childcare while you are away?

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 17:11

MeridianB · 23/05/2023 16:07

He should have checked with you.

Weird that he doesn’t ever do overnights though! I hope he at least does the dropping, collecting and feeding at weekends.

He does do the dropping and collecting and he feeds them a main meal at lunch times. I feed them breakfast and the evening meal as they are home by 5.

OP posts:

kermitthefrogs · 23/05/2023 17:20

Can't you use your holidays and then plan something for you and the kids? Doesn't need to be a holiday if you can't afford it but you could do a fun weekend, swimming cinema bowling out for tea etc. I also work weekends so having the whole weekend to do something with the DC aren't common so I'd make the most of it if I were you

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 17:26

kermitthefrogs · 23/05/2023 17:20

Can't you use your holidays and then plan something for you and the kids? Doesn't need to be a holiday if you can't afford it but you could do a fun weekend, swimming cinema bowling out for tea etc. I also work weekends so having the whole weekend to do something with the DC aren't common so I'd make the most of it if I were you

As long as the holiday is approved then yes! I just don't like being forced into taking my holiday because of my ex. Its not that I can't and won't have a lovely time with them, it's that it's my annual leave, and I should be able to take it when suits me. As has been said many times now, if he had run it past me I would be more than happy to work around him going away.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 17:27

kermitthefrogs · 23/05/2023 17:20

Can't you use your holidays and then plan something for you and the kids? Doesn't need to be a holiday if you can't afford it but you could do a fun weekend, swimming cinema bowling out for tea etc. I also work weekends so having the whole weekend to do something with the DC aren't common so I'd make the most of it if I were you

It also worries me that I'm setting a precedent by doing it this time and he will keep making arrangements and expecting me to cover him and at some point I won't be able to.

OP posts:

Saniflo · 23/05/2023 17:46

Obviously in an ideal world he would ask. But that isn't how most NRP think or behave sadly. There isn't much you can do as he is always just going to do what he wants and you will have to pick up the pieces like most RP sadly have to.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 18:09

@alargeoneforme or people just genuinely don’t understand why it’s such a big problem 🤷‍♀️..

you shouldn’t really jump to conclusions tbh, my eldest sons dad doesn’t see him anymore (through his dads own choice) beforehand he couldn’t even keep to a simple routine or structure, if I had work some days and he was due to have him he would let me know half an hour before I was due in that he wasn’t coming! So don’t make out the people who are giving the same opinion as me don’t understand how shit it is for a dad to let there child down and throw a mother under the bus when it comes to needing childcare!

however, this dad hasn’t done that has he? He’s left her know 5 months in advance when the holiday is so she can make arrangements for that week!

i would have loved to of have at least a days notice when my sons dad was not going to bother, or “booked a caravan trip last minute” the list goes on…

really don’t understand how OP can’t compromise in this scenario 🤷‍♀️ just looks to me like she’s being stubborn probably to prove a point..

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 18:17

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 18:09

@alargeoneforme or people just genuinely don’t understand why it’s such a big problem 🤷‍♀️..

you shouldn’t really jump to conclusions tbh, my eldest sons dad doesn’t see him anymore (through his dads own choice) beforehand he couldn’t even keep to a simple routine or structure, if I had work some days and he was due to have him he would let me know half an hour before I was due in that he wasn’t coming! So don’t make out the people who are giving the same opinion as me don’t understand how shit it is for a dad to let there child down and throw a mother under the bus when it comes to needing childcare!

however, this dad hasn’t done that has he? He’s left her know 5 months in advance when the holiday is so she can make arrangements for that week!

i would have loved to of have at least a days notice when my sons dad was not going to bother, or “booked a caravan trip last minute” the list goes on…

really don’t understand how OP can’t compromise in this scenario 🤷‍♀️ just looks to me like she’s being stubborn probably to prove a point..

Where have I said I won't compromise?
I have asked for the holiday. Not sure exactly what else I'm supposed to do?
But why should it fall to me to make the arrangements for his holiday. He only has them 2 days.. surely it should be his responsibility to sort childcare for them??

OP posts:

willow7612 · 23/05/2023 18:43

I get it OP, it's frustrating that these men assume they can opt out of the minimal parenting they are responsible for and then just pass the problem on to us and expect it to be sorted. I have one of those as well. But this is why they are ex's.

They seem to struggle to arrange their lives around a commitment to their DC of 14 hrs a week, conveniently forgetting that means you are doing it for the other 154 hrs a week.

He absolutely should have asked but men like this don't change. Make the best of whatever the situation ends up being and carry on counting down the days to being independent from him and his capacity to impact your life.

rwalker · 23/05/2023 18:55

I ll hold my hands up I’ve gone down a rabbit hole with this all mentions of weekends ,annual leave and who does what

the jist of it is he’s booked a holiday with no child care in place and instead of it being his problem it’s now Op problem

id just tell him you’ve no leave left but can take it as unpaid parental leave if he’d like to reimburse u

NosyHamster · 23/05/2023 19:04

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 10:01

6 days is not a weeks holiday though, or 10 days holiday, or 2 weeks. Is it? But he should have asked. I dont think he's being unreasonable for wanting to go, or going. But he should have asked. He has the kids every single weekend.

This

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 19:25

@sparkellie because if you were willing to compromise you wouldn’t be annoyed/upset about doing so?
also I hate how parents think just because the child is due with the other parent that that’s it “there problem to find childcare if they want to do anything”, no it doesn’t work that way, the children are both of yours.. if he has given 5 month’s notice for a holiday he’s booked then yes, this does land on you as you are the OTHER parent.. it doesn’t automatically mean he MUST find childcare for them or his parents should have them, it’s only natural that if one parent has plans the children stay with the other parent🤔?

I have two stepdaughters and if ever their mum needs to go on holiday or she goes to stay somewhere we have them? Much shorter notice than 5 months btw! I literally didn’t see a problem and neither did my husband because naturally they should come to us if she has booked somewhere or needs to stay somewhere? We’ve used annual leave a few times for reasons like this and it really isn’t a massive deal breaker.. because I see it as there my husbands responsibility as well as there mothers,

I would have the same view the opposite way around, we have booked to go abroad in around 8 months time for a belated honeymoon and we let there mum know, didn’t ask but let her know and she was absolutely fine with it🤷‍♀️

I just don’t get why 5 months notice isn’t enough for you, seems nit picky.

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 19:45

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 19:25

@sparkellie because if you were willing to compromise you wouldn’t be annoyed/upset about doing so?
also I hate how parents think just because the child is due with the other parent that that’s it “there problem to find childcare if they want to do anything”, no it doesn’t work that way, the children are both of yours.. if he has given 5 month’s notice for a holiday he’s booked then yes, this does land on you as you are the OTHER parent.. it doesn’t automatically mean he MUST find childcare for them or his parents should have them, it’s only natural that if one parent has plans the children stay with the other parent🤔?

I have two stepdaughters and if ever their mum needs to go on holiday or she goes to stay somewhere we have them? Much shorter notice than 5 months btw! I literally didn’t see a problem and neither did my husband because naturally they should come to us if she has booked somewhere or needs to stay somewhere? We’ve used annual leave a few times for reasons like this and it really isn’t a massive deal breaker.. because I see it as there my husbands responsibility as well as there mothers,

I would have the same view the opposite way around, we have booked to go abroad in around 8 months time for a belated honeymoon and we let there mum know, didn’t ask but let her know and she was absolutely fine with it🤷‍♀️

I just don’t get why 5 months notice isn’t enough for you, seems nit picky.

Compromise is a 2 way thing. Not 1 person saying im going away, and thats it.
I guess the difference is that with you it's a 2 way thing. You do it for his ex, she does it for you.
This won't ever go the other way.
If for any reason I need him to have the kids at any other time I always ask first. I would never presume he could have them or make arrangements without checking I had something sorted for the kids first. I see that as basic courtesy and would just like that reciprocated.
If the arrangement you have with your husbands ex is different, that's fine, but presumably it works for all of you. Not just his ex?

OP posts:

Lachimolala · 23/05/2023 20:51

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 18:09

@alargeoneforme or people just genuinely don’t understand why it’s such a big problem 🤷‍♀️..

you shouldn’t really jump to conclusions tbh, my eldest sons dad doesn’t see him anymore (through his dads own choice) beforehand he couldn’t even keep to a simple routine or structure, if I had work some days and he was due to have him he would let me know half an hour before I was due in that he wasn’t coming! So don’t make out the people who are giving the same opinion as me don’t understand how shit it is for a dad to let there child down and throw a mother under the bus when it comes to needing childcare!

however, this dad hasn’t done that has he? He’s left her know 5 months in advance when the holiday is so she can make arrangements for that week!

i would have loved to of have at least a days notice when my sons dad was not going to bother, or “booked a caravan trip last minute” the list goes on…

really don’t understand how OP can’t compromise in this scenario 🤷‍♀️ just looks to me like she’s being stubborn probably to prove a point..

But that’s the point, she shouldn’t need to faff about trying to get time off, take it unpaid or sort out alternative arrangements.

The point is he should given her a heads up and said something like ‘I’m looking to book a hol on x week in oct, can you have them for my Sunday please?’ and if she can’t then he should sort it himself.

What he shouldn’t do (but has) is just book it and expect OP to sort it out or suck it up. It’s entitled and rude.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/05/2023 21:05

”On your days with the kids, if you can’t have them, it’s your job to sort childcare, not mine. You can’t just expect me to take annual leave and sort it out for you. You’ve plenty of time
so let me know what you arrange so I’ll know where to pick them up. Cheers.”