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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming about ex and holiday?

141 replies

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 09:26

My ex turned up last weekend and casually announced that he is going on holiday with his gf for 10 days in October. Therefore just assuming that I will be able to look after the kids.
I am fuming as he expects me to take my holiday to have the kids at the weekend (when my partner also works). For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work, the weekend I don't work Saturday I have them. He doesn't see them in the week.
Aibu here? Honestly I don't get what makes him think it's OK to do this without running it past me first. I can't guarantee holiday for that weekend will be approved, and it's so rude to think he can just leave it with me.
To add, if he had come to me with some dates and asked when I would be able to have the kids so they could go away I wouldn't have had an issue.

OP posts:

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/05/2023 08:23

But of course the notice makes a difference. It would be an issue if he'd just told you and it was next week. And if you can't get it off work, then it's back to him to sort, It's not your problem.

You seem angry at him but this really isn't a big stressor or big deal. Pick your battles.

Original poster

sparkellie · 24/05/2023 08:27

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/05/2023 08:23

But of course the notice makes a difference. It would be an issue if he'd just told you and it was next week. And if you can't get it off work, then it's back to him to sort, It's not your problem.

You seem angry at him but this really isn't a big stressor or big deal. Pick your battles.

That'd be nice but they fact is he won't sort it. So whether I can get the time off or not it is my problem and it is a stress factor.

OP posts:

NosyHamster · 24/05/2023 08:52

user1492757084 · 24/05/2023 07:57

He did give a lot of notice.
I would be as flexible as I could be, given that it is a very occasional request, and I would also involve his parents for part of the weekend.

You never know when you might need to ask for a week with no children.

This! Or let's hope you never want to go on holiday! Chill out a bit OP

Original poster

sparkellie · 24/05/2023 09:02

NosyHamster · 24/05/2023 08:52

This! Or let's hope you never want to go on holiday! Chill out a bit OP

Show quote history

There is no way I could even if I did want to. He can't even have them one night, let alone for a week or more!
I possibly do need to chill out though.. This is stressed me more than it should do.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkellie · 24/05/2023 09:03

NosyHamster · 24/05/2023 08:52

This! Or let's hope you never want to go on holiday! Chill out a bit OP

Show quote history

Just to add I am doing what I can. I have requested the time off work and hopefully will hear back by the end of the week. I guess I have to just try not to stress over it until I hear back!

OP posts:

Wildlyboring · 24/05/2023 09:14

Ah I get it OP, it would annoy me too. My husband's ex decided to book a 2 week childfree holiday during the summer holidays last year, provide under 2 months notice and no prior discussion and offer up zero attempt at childcare resolution when my husband couldn't take leave as he had prior court dates arranged (not for his own case he works in legal). As expected though the issue landed at our door as she just buggered off to Spain without a care in the world. We have a shared care arrangement and in effect ended up with my step children for 75% of the summer holidays as she claimed she had food poisoning on return and declined any extra nights with step children before the holiday as she had to prepare herself for the holiday.
Also peeved me as with notice and joint discussion we could have made it work better and married our summer holiday up to hers to provide less disruption to the children.

It's shit and by all means moan here but I have found that trying to make the best of it is the only thing that makes us not lose our minds as ex is difficult to manage and very unreasonable. If you can get the time off this time though make sure to ask him next time to double check before booking a break as some courtesy.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/05/2023 09:42

At 14 and 11 can they not stay at home on their own when you work?

Original poster

sparkellie · 24/05/2023 09:48

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/05/2023 09:42

At 14 and 11 can they not stay at home on their own when you work?

No. My son's asd and learning difficulties mean he can't be left alone and it's not fair to make his sister responsible for him.

OP posts:

alargeoneforme · 24/05/2023 09:53

user1492757084 · 24/05/2023 07:57

He did give a lot of notice.
I would be as flexible as I could be, given that it is a very occasional request, and I would also involve his parents for part of the weekend.

You never know when you might need to ask for a week with no children.

But it wasn't a request. That is precisely the thing that's upset OP. The lack of request. The lack of respect. Not the notice, which she acknowledges is fine.

alargeoneforme · 24/05/2023 09:59

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/05/2023 08:23

But of course the notice makes a difference. It would be an issue if he'd just told you and it was next week. And if you can't get it off work, then it's back to him to sort, It's not your problem.

You seem angry at him but this really isn't a big stressor or big deal. Pick your battles.

How is it up to him to sort when OP has already said he won't? He fucks off on holiday and simply doesn't turn up to collect the kids at his allotted time because he's on holiday. Yes, he SHOULD sort it but won't. And OP has already stated multiple times that she may well not be given the time off work and her ASD child will not be looked after by strangers. Can you not see how this is frustrating and, until she hopefully gets the time off from work, is stressful? Can you not see that her ex is very much in the wrong here and should have told her he'd like these dates, and given her an opportunity to check if she could get the time off work before booking his time away?

Original poster

sparkellie · 29/05/2023 08:02

Just a quick update for anyone interested, my holiday was approved so I will be spending a lovely weekend with the kids.
Hopefully doesn't try the same thing again!

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 29/05/2023 08:17

sparkellie · 29/05/2023 08:02

Just a quick update for anyone interested, my holiday was approved so I will be spending a lovely weekend with the kids.
Hopefully doesn't try the same thing again!

Would be nice but personally I think he is going to do it again

Can you get a Monday to Friday job with no Weekends so it won't be so bad next time? I would honestly stop relying on him for anything (as i have with my ex) its harder but less stressful thinking is he going to show up will his car "break down" (again) will he "forget" the day of the week or do what he did on my "straw that broke the camels back moment" ring me JUST after all the childcare places had shut to say he couldn't make it first thing and I would have to rearrange my driving test the following morning, fortunately I had arranged back ups even better I passed he showed up a week later saying awww sorry about your test can you rebook it? It's soo backlogged at the moment isn't it 😒

Original poster

sparkellie · 29/05/2023 08:25

It's unlikely, most retail jobs include at least 1 day at the weekend, and it would be pretty impossible to find something 9-3 mon-fri term time only that paid enough! I am open to suggestions though, as it would be nice to remove that stress from my life!

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkellie · 29/05/2023 08:26

Well done on having had the foresight to have back ups planned and on passing your test too!!

OP posts:

WeekendFreedom · 12/11/2023 11:28

Oops just realised the date on this 🙈

LanaL · 05/12/2023 09:20

He has given you a lot of notice but it’s his time with them so it’s his responsibility to arrange childcare . At the very least he could have spoke to you about dates first . You wouldn’t be able to just go away and expect him to have the children all week , that would be met with horror I’m sure , but sadly I think it will fall on you to sort it. YANBU to feel angry about this. X

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