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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming about ex and holiday?

141 replies

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 09:26

My ex turned up last weekend and casually announced that he is going on holiday with his gf for 10 days in October. Therefore just assuming that I will be able to look after the kids.
I am fuming as he expects me to take my holiday to have the kids at the weekend (when my partner also works). For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work, the weekend I don't work Saturday I have them. He doesn't see them in the week.
Aibu here? Honestly I don't get what makes him think it's OK to do this without running it past me first. I can't guarantee holiday for that weekend will be approved, and it's so rude to think he can just leave it with me.
To add, if he had come to me with some dates and asked when I would be able to have the kids so they could go away I wouldn't have had an issue.

OP posts:
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 12:19

Sorry I thought you meant with the kids affecting his contact time, as he has no overnights that’s a bit of a pointless comparison sadly

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 23/05/2023 12:20

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 09:46

He should have asked, but when can he ever take a holiday if he has this kids every single weekend? Maybe a compromise would be best.

Same time as OP I'm guessing who likely can't go on holiday without her kids.

Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 12:23

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 12:19

Sorry I thought you meant with the kids affecting his contact time, as he has no overnights that’s a bit of a pointless comparison sadly

Oh don't worry, he'd have no problem with me taking them away on his time.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 12:25

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 10:01

6 days is not a weeks holiday though, or 10 days holiday, or 2 weeks. Is it? But he should have asked. I dont think he's being unreasonable for wanting to go, or going. But he should have asked. He has the kids every single weekend.

No it's not. But it's 6 more days than I have!
Anyway, I don't want him not to go, just to check if the dates work for me first!

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 23/05/2023 12:25

OP YANBU, I'm so sick of people pandering to deadbeat dads. He does the bare minimum parenting and then people think he needs a holiday? Fuck off.

Realistically though there isn't much you can do - I'd put it back to him to ask his parents to have them but it is likely to fall to you unfortunately.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 12:26

Yes I also work in retail and to book a week/weekend off in 5 months time would be no problem, your completely over exaggerating.. I also said he probably thought he didn’t need to ask due to the notice he’s given you!

Epli · 23/05/2023 12:34

If you have to use your annual leave, I would ask him to compensate for that.

Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 12:41

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 12:26

Yes I also work in retail and to book a week/weekend off in 5 months time would be no problem, your completely over exaggerating.. I also said he probably thought he didn’t need to ask due to the notice he’s given you!

Lucky you. Where I work on a Sunday no more than 2 people can have the day off, so if anyone else has it off me and my partner won't get it. If 2 have I'm screwed. My holidays are usually booked a year in advance to avoid childcare issues, as I'm sure you are aware my holiday won't cover all school holidays, so they have to be divided up.

OP posts:
PhoenixReincarnated · 23/05/2023 12:53

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 12:26

Yes I also work in retail and to book a week/weekend off in 5 months time would be no problem, your completely over exaggerating.. I also said he probably thought he didn’t need to ask due to the notice he’s given you!

I 2ork in social care and annual leave in October has been booked up for ages now. There's no guarantee that the OP's will get the annual leave she's asked for.

OP YANBU he should have checked that you could get the annual leave not just assumed.

PhoenixReincarnated · 23/05/2023 12:53

*work 🙄

IneedanewTV · 23/05/2023 12:55

October is plenty of notice. Check with your work. If you can’t get the time off and have no alternatives then throw it back to him to sort out. But life is a lot easier if you can work together with stuff like th.

Whatthefuck3456 · 23/05/2023 13:38

To be fair he has given you notice. He is still entitled to have a holiday with his GF. Same as you are with or without your children!

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 13:52

@sparkellie the problem with posting here is that all the people saying YABU simply don't have the experience of being treated like Dobby the Childcare Elf day in day out by their ex. They think he has given reasonable notice and is entitled to a holiday. All fair points. But they are missing YOUR point because they just can't grasp how it feels. You joked earlier if I knew your ex. Well, in a way, I do. I also made the mistake of having children with someone just like him. And the lack of respect grinds you down. When I used to collect the kids' stuff from his place (on a Monday morning after they'd gone to school and he'd be working from home), he'd literally dump all their stuff in his hallway with bags next to them and lean against the living room doorway, watching me on my hands and knees packing it. What would happen if I didn't do it? They'd miss out on their having their special teddies etc and with ASD kids myself that just couldn't happen. If I asked him to do it? Too busy working... to pay CSM, of course, lest I should forget what a hero he is. Ask him to bring it to me (we live 5 mins from each other)? Too busy, of course. So I did it because the kids would have suffered. If it's any consolation, it gets MUCH easier as they get older. But there are plenty of us on here that really do understand. It's shit. They don't change. You just get less need to have contact as the kids get older. 💐

Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 13:54

Whatthefuck3456 · 23/05/2023 13:38

To be fair he has given you notice. He is still entitled to have a holiday with his GF. Same as you are with or without your children!

He is. What he's not entitled to do is demand I use my annual leave so he can go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 14:00

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 13:52

@sparkellie the problem with posting here is that all the people saying YABU simply don't have the experience of being treated like Dobby the Childcare Elf day in day out by their ex. They think he has given reasonable notice and is entitled to a holiday. All fair points. But they are missing YOUR point because they just can't grasp how it feels. You joked earlier if I knew your ex. Well, in a way, I do. I also made the mistake of having children with someone just like him. And the lack of respect grinds you down. When I used to collect the kids' stuff from his place (on a Monday morning after they'd gone to school and he'd be working from home), he'd literally dump all their stuff in his hallway with bags next to them and lean against the living room doorway, watching me on my hands and knees packing it. What would happen if I didn't do it? They'd miss out on their having their special teddies etc and with ASD kids myself that just couldn't happen. If I asked him to do it? Too busy working... to pay CSM, of course, lest I should forget what a hero he is. Ask him to bring it to me (we live 5 mins from each other)? Too busy, of course. So I did it because the kids would have suffered. If it's any consolation, it gets MUCH easier as they get older. But there are plenty of us on here that really do understand. It's shit. They don't change. You just get less need to have contact as the kids get older. 💐

Thanks.
The kids are 11 and 14, and we split up 7 years ago, so it has definitely gotten easier over time. When he does things like this it drives me nuts though. It's just complete lack of consideration and I can't get my head around it because I would never do the same to him, or anyone else!

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 14:04

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 13:52

@sparkellie the problem with posting here is that all the people saying YABU simply don't have the experience of being treated like Dobby the Childcare Elf day in day out by their ex. They think he has given reasonable notice and is entitled to a holiday. All fair points. But they are missing YOUR point because they just can't grasp how it feels. You joked earlier if I knew your ex. Well, in a way, I do. I also made the mistake of having children with someone just like him. And the lack of respect grinds you down. When I used to collect the kids' stuff from his place (on a Monday morning after they'd gone to school and he'd be working from home), he'd literally dump all their stuff in his hallway with bags next to them and lean against the living room doorway, watching me on my hands and knees packing it. What would happen if I didn't do it? They'd miss out on their having their special teddies etc and with ASD kids myself that just couldn't happen. If I asked him to do it? Too busy working... to pay CSM, of course, lest I should forget what a hero he is. Ask him to bring it to me (we live 5 mins from each other)? Too busy, of course. So I did it because the kids would have suffered. If it's any consolation, it gets MUCH easier as they get older. But there are plenty of us on here that really do understand. It's shit. They don't change. You just get less need to have contact as the kids get older. 💐

I'm sorry you have to deal with it too!

OP posts:
alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 14:08

Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I wouldn't dream of doing it either and that makes it so difficult to take from someone else. It leaves you blindsided time after time. So frustrating. But be assured, there's an army of us out here.

Nevermind31 · 23/05/2023 14:23

yell him you have to take unpaid leave, so he will need to pay you for those days.

Panteranoir · 23/05/2023 14:37

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 11:59

🤣 do you know him?!

Show quote history

Honestly OP, I think we ALL know this kind of man.

Say no. Everytime you give in and make it easier for him to treat you like a doormat you are giving him the green light to repeat this behaviour.

He barely pays for them, he barely cares for them and he absolutely would not do the same for you.

Don't waste your precious holiday on him.

Mums are human and have needs and wants too.

Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 14:42

Panteranoir · 23/05/2023 14:37

Honestly OP, I think we ALL know this kind of man.

Say no. Everytime you give in and make it easier for him to treat you like a doormat you are giving him the green light to repeat this behaviour.

He barely pays for them, he barely cares for them and he absolutely would not do the same for you.

Don't waste your precious holiday on him.

Mums are human and have needs and wants too.

Show quote history

I would love to, but at the end of the day he isn't going to be here so I have a choice of sorting it now or then. I'd rather get it sorted now.
Glad most people seem to understand where I'm coming from though!

OP posts:
tatteddear · 23/05/2023 15:16

He should have asked rather than told you. And I Assume he will be doing the same for you when you want to go away?
That needs to be made clear to him-it's reciprocal. But he has given you plenty of notice at least.

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 15:32

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 10:41

Because we both work for the same place and its hard to get the same weekends off. We have both asked for the holiday but I have no idea if it will be approved.
He doesn't have them overnight because they don't want to stay.

Show quote history

@sparkellie

Sorry, I'm confused. I said why can't you plan a nice weekend with your kids, even
if your partner can't get the time off.

you said you'll probably be able to get the time off. You don't need your partner to be off to enjoy a weekend with your kids.

Else tell the Ex that he needs to ask his parents to have them & you'll pick them up & drop them off around your work hours.

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 15:37

tatteddear · 23/05/2023 15:16

He should have asked rather than told you. And I Assume he will be doing the same for you when you want to go away?
That needs to be made clear to him-it's reciprocal. But he has given you plenty of notice at least.

@tatteddear you haven't read the OP's posts. He won't do the same because the kids don't sleep over there. so even if he did have the kids the op wouldn't be able to go away and she already said, she wouldn't go away without the kids.

but he has them weekend days every weekend, bar one day every 4 weeks, so I don't think occasionally saying he can't have them one weekend in six months is a huge crime.

Obviously it would have been better if he'd asked, not told, the OP, but he's an ex for a reason!

I'm

Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 15:56

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 15:32

@sparkellie

Sorry, I'm confused. I said why can't you plan a nice weekend with your kids, even
if your partner can't get the time off.

you said you'll probably be able to get the time off. You don't need your partner to be off to enjoy a weekend with your kids.

Else tell the Ex that he needs to ask his parents to have them & you'll pick them up & drop them off around your work hours.

Show quote history

I must have misread that, sorry!
That's what I will do. I just don't like being forced to take my annual leave so my ex can go away. If he had come to me and checked dates first, or with a back up plan in case I couldn't have them there wouldn't be an issue at all!

OP posts:
MeridianB · 23/05/2023 16:07

He should have checked with you.

Weird that he doesn’t ever do overnights though! I hope he at least does the dropping, collecting and feeding at weekends.