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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming about ex and holiday?

141 replies

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 09:26

My ex turned up last weekend and casually announced that he is going on holiday with his gf for 10 days in October. Therefore just assuming that I will be able to look after the kids.
I am fuming as he expects me to take my holiday to have the kids at the weekend (when my partner also works). For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work, the weekend I don't work Saturday I have them. He doesn't see them in the week.
Aibu here? Honestly I don't get what makes him think it's OK to do this without running it past me first. I can't guarantee holiday for that weekend will be approved, and it's so rude to think he can just leave it with me.
To add, if he had come to me with some dates and asked when I would be able to have the kids so they could go away I wouldn't have had an issue.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 23/05/2023 21:40

Hoppingmad231 · 23/05/2023 10:19

Yer then maybe mum can book a 10 day holiday for herself leaving him to mind his kids for the full 10 days. I'd be fuming does bear min as it is by sounds off it.

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This.

All the apologists for a deadbeat who never has his kids overnight give your heads a wobble.

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 21:47

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/05/2023 21:40

This.

All the apologists for a deadbeat who never has his kids overnight give your heads a wobble.

Show quote history

A "deadbeat" who has his kids every weekend, they only don't stay over night because they don't want to and they are not being forced. Only on Mumsnet would a Dad who has his kids every weekend with the offer of overnight be called a deadbeat Dad.

Original poster
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 22:02

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 21:47

A "deadbeat" who has his kids every weekend, they only don't stay over night because they don't want to and they are not being forced. Only on Mumsnet would a Dad who has his kids every weekend with the offer of overnight be called a deadbeat Dad.

Show quote history

He isn't a deadbeat dad. He could do more, but he could do less.
He's no hero for managing to fit 50hrs childcare a month into his schedule though!!

OP posts:
DiIIy · 23/05/2023 22:42

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 22:02

He isn't a deadbeat dad. He could do more, but he could do less.
He's no hero for managing to fit 50hrs childcare a month into his schedule though!!

Show quote history

Yeah I fully agree from what you've said. Ridiculous for people to call him deadbeat!

alargeoneforme · 24/05/2023 00:32

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 19:25

@sparkellie because if you were willing to compromise you wouldn’t be annoyed/upset about doing so?
also I hate how parents think just because the child is due with the other parent that that’s it “there problem to find childcare if they want to do anything”, no it doesn’t work that way, the children are both of yours.. if he has given 5 month’s notice for a holiday he’s booked then yes, this does land on you as you are the OTHER parent.. it doesn’t automatically mean he MUST find childcare for them or his parents should have them, it’s only natural that if one parent has plans the children stay with the other parent🤔?

I have two stepdaughters and if ever their mum needs to go on holiday or she goes to stay somewhere we have them? Much shorter notice than 5 months btw! I literally didn’t see a problem and neither did my husband because naturally they should come to us if she has booked somewhere or needs to stay somewhere? We’ve used annual leave a few times for reasons like this and it really isn’t a massive deal breaker.. because I see it as there my husbands responsibility as well as there mothers,

I would have the same view the opposite way around, we have booked to go abroad in around 8 months time for a belated honeymoon and we let there mum know, didn’t ask but let her know and she was absolutely fine with it🤷‍♀️

I just don’t get why 5 months notice isn’t enough for you, seems nit picky.

But you've just proved my point. You don't get it because you have a a completely different situation. According to you, you would book a holiday without asking the other parent and they would do the same. It's a fair and equal arrangement, with respect all round. It's amazingly wonderful that you can book a weekend away with less than 5 months notice and know that the mum/stepmum in your situation will jump in to cover with short notice.
But that's not the case with OP, is it? It's entirely one way. If you constantly stepped in to cover the time away but it wasn't forthcoming the other way, are you saying you wouldn't be a tiny bit aggrieved at the lack of reciprocal support and respect?

HollyBerri · 24/05/2023 00:45

I don’t see that much of a problem here. He has given you plenty if notice. Yes he should have checked first but he hasn’t. He is presumably missing 1 weekend which he would have to do if he went away for longer than 5 days.
The fact that he wouldn’t do the same for you is a totally different issue.

Multiplemum123 · 24/05/2023 01:10

I’ve been in your exact situation but with a weeks notice! It’s frustrating to say the least.

To be fair he has given you a lot of notice & if he takes them every weekend it’s going to affect you in some way regardless. Do you not have anyone else that can help out so you don’t have to take unwanted holidays? What about his parents? If he won’t ask them could you? Are your parents around?

I know it’s hard not to feel irritated at his lack of consideration towards your situation but if you generally get along & he would be willing to be flexible with you if it were the other way around then I would be a bit more accepting.

Maybe you need to speak about arrangements going forward & have him take on more responsibility as it seems unbalanced. Is there any reason he doesn’t have his kids overnight?

SkyandSurf · 24/05/2023 01:15

Can't believe the people giving him credit for having his own kids on the weekend 'so you can work'.

She facilitates his career every day of the week! Is he grateful? Is he fuck. He thinks throwing a measly £200 a fortnight for two children covers that and then some.

Fuck that guy.

OP, ask him to let you know when he has sorted childcare as you're unable to get that time off.

If he can't sort childcare then he should pay you for your lost wages/the value of your leave which he is requiring you to spend on his benefit.

turtool · 24/05/2023 01:16

@sparkellie 5 months notice isn't the same as being asked respected enough to discuss the childcare than being told what your doing. Every parent deserves that

SkyandSurf · 24/05/2023 01:20

Sorry £200 a Month?! For two kids!

What a prick.

Child maintenance is an absolute joke in the UK.

Fuck me the bar is low for men.

Original poster
sparkellie · 24/05/2023 06:29

SkyandSurf · 24/05/2023 01:20

Sorry £200 a Month?! For two kids!

What a prick.

Child maintenance is an absolute joke in the UK.

Fuck me the bar is low for men.

It's not ideal but it's a private arrangement. He's self employed so I'd probably get less if I applied via cms, as I'm sure at least some of the work he does is cash in hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkellie · 24/05/2023 06:36

Multiplemum123 · 24/05/2023 01:10

I’ve been in your exact situation but with a weeks notice! It’s frustrating to say the least.

To be fair he has given you a lot of notice & if he takes them every weekend it’s going to affect you in some way regardless. Do you not have anyone else that can help out so you don’t have to take unwanted holidays? What about his parents? If he won’t ask them could you? Are your parents around?

I know it’s hard not to feel irritated at his lack of consideration towards your situation but if you generally get along & he would be willing to be flexible with you if it were the other way around then I would be a bit more accepting.

Maybe you need to speak about arrangements going forward & have him take on more responsibility as it seems unbalanced. Is there any reason he doesn’t have his kids overnight?

Noone else can have them. My son's asd means he is highly uncomfortable around people he doesn't know well. It's not usually a problem. If it's an emergency my work are brilliant at letting me have the time.
It's purely the lack of respect for my time that has wound me up this time!
I'm quite happy as it is, and he doesn't want them more. They don't want to stay and I won't force them.

OP posts:
noideabutstilltrying · 24/05/2023 07:00

@sparkellie I can understand exactly why you feel so frustrated at the situation!

My husband left 4+ years ago. Mine were 10 & 13 at the time.

He's never had them overnight. I've not had a free weekend.

I've missed out on countless work training.

It's draining having to come up with the solution to child care during school holidays without extra being thrown into the mix.

ChubbyMorticia · 24/05/2023 07:07

I get it. You’re no longer a couple, you do the majority of parenting and providing financial support, and he can announce a change without asking, forcing you to either accommodate his demands or putting the kids in a potentially difficult situation.

And you also know this is a one way street.

You resent his ability to abdicate his parenting responsibilities and the assumption you’ll cover for him.

Original poster
sparkellie · 24/05/2023 07:11

noideabutstilltrying · 24/05/2023 07:00

@sparkellie I can understand exactly why you feel so frustrated at the situation!

My husband left 4+ years ago. Mine were 10 & 13 at the time.

He's never had them overnight. I've not had a free weekend.

I've missed out on countless work training.

It's draining having to come up with the solution to child care during school holidays without extra being thrown into the mix.

Thank you! Yes, that's it. It's draining having this kind of thing thrown at me. I know it's 5 months away as others have pointed out, but until I get my holiday granted (hopefully) It's stressful having this hanging over me. Mostly because of the limitations on childcare. If I could just hire a babysitter as a one off it wouldn't be as bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkellie · 24/05/2023 07:12

ChubbyMorticia · 24/05/2023 07:07

I get it. You’re no longer a couple, you do the majority of parenting and providing financial support, and he can announce a change without asking, forcing you to either accommodate his demands or putting the kids in a potentially difficult situation.

And you also know this is a one way street.

You resent his ability to abdicate his parenting responsibilities and the assumption you’ll cover for him.

This 100%

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 24/05/2023 07:43

The kids are 14 and 11. It's 5 months away.

Surely you don't have to take the weekend off- they can fend for themselves for a few hours?

DiIIy · 24/05/2023 07:43

At ages 14 and 11, and aging 6 more months by Oct do they need you to take the time off? Could they not chill in the house and be in phone contact?

DiIIy · 24/05/2023 07:44

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/05/2023 07:43

The kids are 14 and 11. It's 5 months away.

Surely you don't have to take the weekend off- they can fend for themselves for a few hours?

Snap 🤣

CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 07:48

Op said very early on her child is autistic. Maybe they can’t be left alone? My daughter is 12 asd and cannot be left alone at all.

Original poster
sparkellie · 24/05/2023 07:48

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/05/2023 07:43

The kids are 14 and 11. It's 5 months away.

Surely you don't have to take the weekend off- they can fend for themselves for a few hours?

No
Due to my son's asd and learning difficulties he can't be left alone and it would be unfair to expect his sister to be responsible for him.

OP posts:
DiIIy · 24/05/2023 07:51

CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 07:48

Op said very early on her child is autistic. Maybe they can’t be left alone? My daughter is 12 asd and cannot be left alone at all.

Yeah I seen that, my son is autistic too but obviously everyone is affected in different ways aren't they. My son was fine with things like this from around age 12 but that doesn't mean the next child would be.

Lullibyebye · 24/05/2023 07:55

So many posters making out like the dad is some sort of martyr and deserves a 10 day break because he sees his children on a Saturday and Sunday, not even overnight 🙄 When does OP get 10 days away? Probably never. How about next time he books a holiday, he takes his children with him? Or accept the fact he asks first, books later.

user1492757084 · 24/05/2023 07:57

He did give a lot of notice.
I would be as flexible as I could be, given that it is a very occasional request, and I would also involve his parents for part of the weekend.

You never know when you might need to ask for a week with no children.

Original poster
sparkellie · 24/05/2023 08:01

user1492757084 · 24/05/2023 07:57

He did give a lot of notice.
I would be as flexible as I could be, given that it is a very occasional request, and I would also involve his parents for part of the weekend.

You never know when you might need to ask for a week with no children.

I don't really understand why people keep bringing up how much notice he's given? The only difference that makes is how likely it is I'll be able to get the time off work?
It's not like extra notice gives me more time to make other arrangements.. There are any, except his parents! And in my eyes it should be his responsibility to make those arrangements not mine if he can't even do me the courtesy of checking first!?

OP posts: