Page 2 | To be fuming about ex and holiday?

sparkellie · 2023-05-23T08:26:43+00:00

My ex turned up last weekend and casually announced that he is going on holiday with his gf for 10 days in October. Therefore just assuming that I will be able to look after the kids. I am fuming as he expects me to take my holiday to have the kids at the weekend (when my partner also works). For info he has the kids every sun and 3/4 Sat's so I can work, the weekend I don't work Saturday I have them. He doesn't see them in the week. Aibu here? Honestly I don't get what makes him think it's OK to do this without running it past me first. I can't guarantee holiday for that weekend will be approved, and it's so rude to think he can just leave it with me. To add, if he had come to me with some dates and asked when I would be able to have the kids so they could go away I wouldn't have had an issue.

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 10:16

He should have asked

Hoppingmad231 · 23/05/2023 10:19

IamnotSethRogan · 23/05/2023 09:31

I duno it's not like it's super short notice and this might have been the only dates that worked so maybe there wasn't much room for negotiation. If you can't get the time off maybe let him know he needs to sort child care

Yer then maybe mum can book a 10 day holiday for herself leaving him to mind his kids for the full 10 days. I'd be fuming does bear min as it is by sounds off it.

GracePalmer33 · 23/05/2023 10:19

Yes it's rude for him to not ask first.

What I would do:

Ask him to organise childcare for that weekend as first port of call. Sounds like his parents are an option.

If not an option, tell him that you absolutely want him to return the favour and then cash it in BEFORE he goes away. If he has them every weekend already then he needs to have them for a couple of your days you usually have them. Go away on your own or have a little relaxing stay cation.

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 10:26

All these suggestions are great but realistically he just wont turn up and nothing you can do about it

crackofdoom · 23/05/2023 10:26

Sympathies. My ex pulls this kind of shit quite frequently. "Oh sorry, I got my dates mixed up and booked a lovely holiday to Greece at half term. Whoops!" etc etc. It's particularly grating because the most exotic place he's taken the DC has been Pontins. For a weekend in February 🤦‍♀️.

The work/ self employment thing makes me laugh though, because he uses the sacred "work" as an excuse to never ever have them any extra time etc. But it's OK for me to drop everything to accommodate his plans because I'm self employed 😡

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 10:35

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 09:41

The problem is we both know that in the end it will be me that sorts it. He won't not go, and hasn't even apologised for not checking the dates with me first. If he had done I could have checked holiday dates for me and my partner (we work in the same place) and arranged to do something together rather than wasting my holiday on a weekend we can't do anything purely so he can go away.

@sparkellie it's 6 months away, why can't you arrange to do something with your partner & the kids?

Yes he was selfish & thoughtless, he's an ex for a reason! But it's a couple of days, 6 months away. Just plan a nice weekend with your kids, even if DP can't get the time off, OR tell him to find someone (his parents) to cover your working hours.

He has the kids pretty much every weekend so you can work, I'd cut him some slack. Why doesn't he have them
overnight though?

Lachimolala · 23/05/2023 10:41

I don’t get this ‘oh well he has them every weekend’ rubbish. Doesn’t sound like he does at all, and even if he did OP has them every weekday (and then some) without ever having an overnight break because dad of the year won’t have his kids.

He absolutely should’ve asked before he just booked something and just deciding OP will have to make it work so he can have a lovely break away. Like he doesn’t have enough of a break not having his kids . .

I’d say I wouldn’t bother fixing it for him and to make him put in the legwork for once but we all know he’ll ignore you and just go anyway. So I completely understand why you’re pissed off OP and why an apology would’ve made this feel less frustrating.

I've got an ex that treats me like unpaid childcare that just exists to make his life easier too 🙄

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 10:41

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 10:35

@sparkellie it's 6 months away, why can't you arrange to do something with your partner & the kids?

Yes he was selfish & thoughtless, he's an ex for a reason! But it's a couple of days, 6 months away. Just plan a nice weekend with your kids, even if DP can't get the time off, OR tell him to find someone (his parents) to cover your working hours.

He has the kids pretty much every weekend so you can work, I'd cut him some slack. Why doesn't he have them
overnight though?

Show quote history

Because we both work for the same place and its hard to get the same weekends off. We have both asked for the holiday but I have no idea if it will be approved.
He doesn't have them overnight because they don't want to stay.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 10:42

Lachimolala · 23/05/2023 10:41

I don’t get this ‘oh well he has them every weekend’ rubbish. Doesn’t sound like he does at all, and even if he did OP has them every weekday (and then some) without ever having an overnight break because dad of the year won’t have his kids.

He absolutely should’ve asked before he just booked something and just deciding OP will have to make it work so he can have a lovely break away. Like he doesn’t have enough of a break not having his kids . .

I’d say I wouldn’t bother fixing it for him and to make him put in the legwork for once but we all know he’ll ignore you and just go anyway. So I completely understand why you’re pissed off OP and why an apology would’ve made this feel less frustrating.

I've got an ex that treats me like unpaid childcare that just exists to make his life easier too 🙄

Thank you so much.

OP posts:

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 10:43

I get it, OP. Yes, it's do-able, it's plenty of notice etc etc etc. Its just the entitlement, rudeness and treating you like an extension of his staff that grates. It's the manner it's done in. He should have the courtesy to respect that he requires your support to do this, and ask with grace. Instead of telling you how you'll be spending your time on those weekends. It's the never-ending being treated like you are the kids' nanny, who he is 'paying' with the CSM, and so has a right to dump on you without thought for you as a human being with an actual life of your own. And he does it because, ultimately, he knows you give more of a shit about the kids than he does and won't let them down, and that is what keeps you over a barrel. I live it too. Enraging.

SemperIdem · 23/05/2023 10:43

On the face of it, it doesn’t seem that unreasonable.

But - this is obviously just another case of him being a thoughtless arse and I can see why it is got to you.

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 10:47

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 10:43

I get it, OP. Yes, it's do-able, it's plenty of notice etc etc etc. Its just the entitlement, rudeness and treating you like an extension of his staff that grates. It's the manner it's done in. He should have the courtesy to respect that he requires your support to do this, and ask with grace. Instead of telling you how you'll be spending your time on those weekends. It's the never-ending being treated like you are the kids' nanny, who he is 'paying' with the CSM, and so has a right to dump on you without thought for you as a human being with an actual life of your own. And he does it because, ultimately, he knows you give more of a shit about the kids than he does and won't let them down, and that is what keeps you over a barrel. I live it too. Enraging.

Absolutely this.
He pays 200 a month for 2 kids and seems to think it absolves him of all responsibilities.

OP posts:

Lachimolala · 23/05/2023 10:49

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 10:43

I get it, OP. Yes, it's do-able, it's plenty of notice etc etc etc. Its just the entitlement, rudeness and treating you like an extension of his staff that grates. It's the manner it's done in. He should have the courtesy to respect that he requires your support to do this, and ask with grace. Instead of telling you how you'll be spending your time on those weekends. It's the never-ending being treated like you are the kids' nanny, who he is 'paying' with the CSM, and so has a right to dump on you without thought for you as a human being with an actual life of your own. And he does it because, ultimately, he knows you give more of a shit about the kids than he does and won't let them down, and that is what keeps you over a barrel. I live it too. Enraging.

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

satsuuuumas · 23/05/2023 11:00

I do see your point of view but I think you could be flexible here, as pp said you rely on him too for work so to be fuming is a bit of an overreaction. I understand not wanting to be told the dates but it also comes across as though you want your ex to ask your permission to go on holiday with his girlfriend, but as you say you're not in a relationship, so why would he want to ask you? There is a fine line and the whole thing should have been approached as a discussion rather than a telling or asking from either side.

I mean, you could say no and that he needs to sort it as it's his weekend, but I think that would be a little petty. Why not take the time off and see it as you being flexible and hopefully you will be get the same flexibility back when you need in the future? Could you discuss him having your child overnight one night to allow you and your dp to go away?

GracePalmer33 · 23/05/2023 11:11

He never has them overnight?!?!

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 11:36

satsuuuumas · 23/05/2023 11:00

I do see your point of view but I think you could be flexible here, as pp said you rely on him too for work so to be fuming is a bit of an overreaction. I understand not wanting to be told the dates but it also comes across as though you want your ex to ask your permission to go on holiday with his girlfriend, but as you say you're not in a relationship, so why would he want to ask you? There is a fine line and the whole thing should have been approached as a discussion rather than a telling or asking from either side.

I mean, you could say no and that he needs to sort it as it's his weekend, but I think that would be a little petty. Why not take the time off and see it as you being flexible and hopefully you will be get the same flexibility back when you need in the future? Could you discuss him having your child overnight one night to allow you and your dp to go away?

Not at all, I expect my time to not be assumed to be available so he can go away. If I want to do anything outside of school hours I check if he can have the kids first.
I have asked for the time off, but I can't guarantee it being available. If I wanted to go away I would have to check I could get the time off work first, or I would be running the risk of having my holiday turned down. Why does the same not apply when he wants to use my holiday to go away.
Overnights are not something I'm going to force on my kids. It's a long story, but in brief him and his gf had only been together a couple of months when he moved in with her, the kids don't want to stay overnight, and I wouldn't force it onto them in a space they aren't comfortable.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 11:38

GracePalmer33 · 23/05/2023 11:11

He never has them overnight?!?!

No. My son has asd, and doesn't want to stay. My daughter did go to stay once but wanted to come home at bedtime so he bought her back. He has only been with his gf since Feb and moved into her house, so the kids aren't overly comfortable there yet.

OP posts:

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 11:52

Yep, £200 a month. And can't possibly accommodate you at any time because he works so hard paying for them. Whereas you, on the other hand, have to work hard to pay for them AND take care of them most days and all the overnights. And I bet he genuinely considers himself a bit of a superdad because he hasn't completely abandoned them.

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 11:59

alargeoneforme · 23/05/2023 11:52

Yep, £200 a month. And can't possibly accommodate you at any time because he works so hard paying for them. Whereas you, on the other hand, have to work hard to pay for them AND take care of them most days and all the overnights. And I bet he genuinely considers himself a bit of a superdad because he hasn't completely abandoned them.

🤣 do you know him?!

OP posts:

Whichnumbers · 23/05/2023 12:00

If op rocked up at her ex place and said

oh by the way I’ve booked a holiday for me for the last week of October, so you’ll be having the D.C. for 5 days

would that be ok?

i mean he works and might end be able to get childcare or the time off work to fit round school

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 12:06

I think YABU, he probably assumed he wouldn’t need to ask considering it’s like 5 months away!? so just informed you of when it is with plenty of notice after all it’s nearly half a year?

if he’d of said it’s next week or even a months time then fair enough it does land people in the shit especially the children which isn’t fair; however he’s asked around 5 months in advance!?

if I was you I’d just try and book the time off work OR find alternative childcare for that weekend, you could use this opportunity to spend some time with them and take them somewhere nice.. see it as a bonus you get to spend extra time with them.

compromise is key here imo.

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 12:09

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 12:06

I think YABU, he probably assumed he wouldn’t need to ask considering it’s like 5 months away!? so just informed you of when it is with plenty of notice after all it’s nearly half a year?

if he’d of said it’s next week or even a months time then fair enough it does land people in the shit especially the children which isn’t fair; however he’s asked around 5 months in advance!?

if I was you I’d just try and book the time off work OR find alternative childcare for that weekend, you could use this opportunity to spend some time with them and take them somewhere nice.. see it as a bonus you get to spend extra time with them.

compromise is key here imo.

Just to be clear he hasn't asked at all. He's told me. I don't know how easy it is for you to get time off work but I work in retail and weekends are always hard to get off.
Do I get to book a holiday without running it past him first?

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 12:11

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/05/2023 12:06

I think YABU, he probably assumed he wouldn’t need to ask considering it’s like 5 months away!? so just informed you of when it is with plenty of notice after all it’s nearly half a year?

if he’d of said it’s next week or even a months time then fair enough it does land people in the shit especially the children which isn’t fair; however he’s asked around 5 months in advance!?

if I was you I’d just try and book the time off work OR find alternative childcare for that weekend, you could use this opportunity to spend some time with them and take them somewhere nice.. see it as a bonus you get to spend extra time with them.

compromise is key here imo.

And I absolutely do see any extra time with the kids as a bonus. I don't think he has a right to decide how and when I use my annual leave.

OP posts:

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 12:12

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 12:09

Just to be clear he hasn't asked at all. He's told me. I don't know how easy it is for you to get time off work but I work in retail and weekends are always hard to get off.
Do I get to book a holiday without running it past him first?

Show quote history

I would say yes you can considering he has no overnights anyway

Original poster

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 12:16

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 12:12

I would say yes you can considering he has no overnights anyway

Show quote history

And do you think he would actually provide childcare if I was to do so? Because I doubt it. He would just not turn up to get them in the first place.
Anyway I don't want to go away without my kids, especially not to prove a point. I just want him to be considerate of my time and not make his holiday my problem.

OP posts: