Changing name and title for marriage. pros and cons?

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When I was younger I wanted to change my name to my partners name but actually, now it comes down to it I think I want to keep my name. He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

All I can think though is I have to call my bank, my dbs is in my maiden name, my passport still has 8 years on it, my Dr's, my mortgage statement has my name all the other faff.
He won't be volunteering to make these calls for me.

I just signed a slip for the school this morning and writing my signature made me think about having to write a new name? After a lifetime of this name? What are the cons?

We are working class, excouncil house, labourers, you know, all the mums stay at home and all the dads are plasterers or carpenters or builders. I'd be the first out of my whole family and friends and even acquaintances to keep my own last name if I do it. I am feeling the pressure to be honest. (I feel these factors paint a picture of the type of circle I live in and the expectations on women in my community. Yes there are still places like this)

I mean despite having the same name as my children, I can't think of a single pro. Also I Don't want to change my title to Mrs or Ms, I want to be a miss (little miss grumpy about a potential name change) is that even allowed? Will I have to change my title as well? If so why?

I haven't had strong feelings either way and was just going to go along with changing my name and title but now it's coming closer I am backtracking. DP is seeing this as a sign of cold feet (hence asking to postpone until I'm sure). To be honest it's mostly the phonecalls and online forms putting me off.

It's not like we aren't committed, we have children and a house and have lived together for over a decade.
I asked if he would change his name to mine and he said no with a confused face, so you know. That made me want to keep my name even more.

I'm a teacher and I never call a parent without checking their name first. It's right there on the system next to their number.

As for names. I got married recently and we have 2 children who were born before we married. They have his surname with my name as a middle name. I often question if this was the right decision but I didn't want to double barrel as they'd have had 2 names that needed spelling out. I think psychologically for him that it meant more for them to have his name and I do think people would assume they weren't his kids if they had a different name which they wouldn't for me. I'm not saying that's right; it's entirely cultural. And I do resent it sometimes given that I grew them and have let my career slide etc. I've kept my name; I'm in my 40s and CBA with the faff. Also my first name sounds a bit silly with DH's surname. Oh and to me Mrs DHsurname is my MIL! Saying all that, if someone calls me Mrs DHsurname, I won't be offended, I just haven't changed it officially.

Why don’t you double barrel put his surname 1st then yours so kind of changing but not really

I started a new job not long after getting married and had changed my driving license etc so started a fresh with new name but I didn’t change my passport until it was due to expire (and was getting DD her 1st passport)and travelled in my old name as long as you book everything in your old name it’s fine

Oh and titles are stupid too. I'm a Ms. I've used that for a while but it confuses my mother.
I don't want to be defined by my relationship status. Men aren't!

We discussed it.

it came down to two things:

1. dh already had kids with his surname and wanted our kids to feel like siblings- their mum had already remarried and had a different name.

2). As a consequence of above, dh learned the hard way that a single man with kids is often treated with suspicion- he had to produce birth very/solicitors letters to get GP/school etc to speak to him without his ex present. A man with a different name is automatically assumed to be stepdad. Also we travel separately with kids a lot- a 50 year old man booking into a hotel room with a 15 year old girl with a different name may raise alarms.

it's something like 90% of British women change their name upon marrying.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but here are some pros that I have found of keeping the same name:

• Cheaper and less faff (didn't have to change any documents/explain why they are in different names)
• we now run a business together. When I answer emails or the phone I'm glad they can't assume I'm his wife (from my name at least)
• I'm a housing officer. Have come across several cases where woman is using different name from what's on their tenancy agreement (either new married name or going back to their maiden name) This has lead to their UC claims for housing costs being rejected and them being £££ in rent arrears. This has happened to zero men as far as I know.

I didn’t change my name on marrying. But when we had kids DH and I chose a new last name and both changed our names to that. With kids, I was keen on us having a family name and so was DH (he did not care that I didn’t change my name before and he was more than happy to change his when we had kids).

If I had my time over I’d keep my own name. It’s been a pain in the arse to do the forms and get the new ID etc But also I’ve had a harder time keeping up with people. Things like social media friend requests getting rejected because people don’t recognise my new name. Changing my email and keeping up with who has sent me email to which address (not to mention - I had my old email address as firstnamelastname and that combination isn’t available for the new name so I’d have to be firstnamelastname65 or firstname7684 or something!). And just generally, I don’t think of myself by my new name as much though it’s been over a decade. I’ve also found I don’t care so much about the whole family name thing. So many of my friends and my kids friends don’t share their last names with everyone in their family it doesn’t seem to be the unifying feature it once was.

I would be seriously unimpressed with a husband who wasn’t prepared to change their name but thought my not wanting to was a reason to delay getting married. That kind of double standard drives me crazy.

So I kept my maiden name. When I had children they took my husbands name and I became known by his surname at the drs, school, by friends I got to know through DC etc. Passport, bank, driving licence and at work it never changed. Works fine - actually it’s good to have both. And I am a Ms and will never change that.

No pros at all, only cons. No point at all in changing one's name IMO.

Taking the man’s name is very old fashioned and dated imo. I understand why people still do but traditionally it’s the man taking ownership of the woman 🤢
me and my husband both combined half our surnames each, together to make one. I wanted to be the same as my children but didn’t want to give away my name so this was our compromise and he was more than happy to do it for me 🥰

I took my DH's name purely because it was the one thing he asked me to. I had considered keeping my maiden name which is exceedingly common, but I'm now glad I changed my name, I have 2 amazing children and our name unites us all.

I didn't find the admin of it all that bad. And I'll be honest... I only just changed my phone contract 2 months ago to my married name after 7 years. Change things as you go.

I suppose ultimately it's up to you. It is YOUR name after all. Explain your POV to your partner. I'm sure he'll understand.

I didn't change my name or title but 90% of the time I get called Mrs husbands name.

Just be prepared for people to ignore your decision.

If I know someone is ignoring it rather than just an assumption or a genuine mistake, I don't respond.

I find this changing surname to husband highly sexist . There are many countries in the world where men change their last names ! This Victorian concept really is not mandatory unless you want to . I have retained my maiden name . My son has my maiden surname as his middle name - after all I carried him and he is half of me!! Him having my surname as his middle name helps during international travel . Rest I’ve faced no issues and want my identity . In my son’s school I was asked how I would like to be addressed and I opted for my husband’s last name . And many places automatically use my husband’s surname for me too. I have no issue with it. Although my license, passport , council is my maiden name. My husband has no issue that I didn’t want to change it.

What utter rubbish. I grew up with a different surname to my parents...why cos my dad (non British) filled on the forms wrong for himself and my mum wheb they came to Britain so their surname is different to ours. I have never been asked why its like that, I have never once felt like we were never a family unit. I never once thought it wasn't nice or fair to me.

Not having the same surname does not mean we weren't loved enough or missed out on being a family unit.

How does it work with the drs? I know someone who had issues with her COVID documentation because she was registered at the drs in her married name and so her proof of vaccine was in her married name but her passport was in her name (Italian resident in the UK)

@tammie49 it isn't really a problem. Just means you might need to show your marriage certificate if something like that came up.

I double barrelled mine…. I had traded under my maiden name for years, so didn’t want to lose that all for the sake of marriage and, also, my dad died younger than he should have and I wanted to still have that connection to him. I was always honest with my now DH that I didn’t want to lose my maiden name and he was never bothered how I chose to deal with my surname after marriage, he only cared we were married…. It was my mum, of all people, that had something to say and said ‘well that’s rather offensive to DH’ 😂, that did make me laugh… and him! He assured her he was not offended and understood my reasoning and it had always been an open discussion between us 🤷‍♀️

I changed mine when we married because I wanted to have the same name as our child(ren), without faffing with double barrelling.

I had no emotional ties to my name. I preferred it to his, mine was much less common, whereas his is very common.
But I associated my name with genetic dad (sperm donor dad as I like to refer to him) who hasn't been part of my life since I was very young (4).
If my name wasn't really his name I'd have probably kept it and saved myself the faff.

However your kids are school age and you've already been living with a different name to them. Yes the norm is to change but doesn't have to be.

Don't be pressured into making the choice for him. Make it for you.

I do not have a ‘maiden name’.

I have my name.

’birth name’ maybe, if I wanted to delineate between name changes made for whatever reason.

But there isn’t a male equivalent of maiden name, is there? Not with the same young / virginal connotations.

Keep your name. It’s a ridiculous patriarchal throwback. I’m working-class, the first in recorded history not to take a husband’s name and my family still send Christmas cards to a person who doesn’t exist, but the world hasn’t ended. Our son has both parents’ surnames, like about half his class at school.

Only thing I changed as soon as we were married was my bank account. The rest of it I left and changed as when I remembered or it needed updating eg passport.

Dc have a double barrelled surname mine & his (we had a child before we were married) Part of my surname goes back hundreds and hundreds of years so wanted to keep it and pass it on to our kids.

It was only a couple of years ago I changed my name professionally at work 🤷‍♀️ I was always known by my maiden name. However with a new employer I did get it all changed.

I think the difference is that Dh wasn’t bothered if I kept my maiden name or used his name, he literally didn’t care - said it was completely my choice!

Urgh, that's disgusting behaviour. And hypocritical, since he presumably loves you too but isn't taking your name. I'm from a working class background too and I'd have told my husband to give his head a wobble if he'd dared come out with nonsense like this. You call yourself whatever you like.

I was just thinking this. “Maiden name” is so dated and patronising