Page 7 | Changing name and title for marriage. pros and cons?

logoutsettings · 2023-05-23T07:42:36+00:00

When I was younger I wanted to change my name to my partners name but actually, now it comes down to it I think I want to keep my name. He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can ^think about it^. All I can think though is I have to call my bank, my dbs is in my maiden name, my passport still has 8 years on it, my Dr's, my mortgage statement has my name all the other faff. He won't be volunteering to make these calls for me. I just signed a slip for the school this morning and writing my signature made me think about having to write a new name? After a lifetime of this name? What are the cons? We are working class, excouncil house, labourers, you know, all the mums stay at home and all the dads are plasterers or carpenters or builders. I'd be the first out of my whole family and friends and even acquaintances to keep my own last name if I do it. I am feeling the pressure to be honest. (I feel these factors paint a picture of the type of circle I live in and the expectations on women in my community. Yes there are still places like this) I mean despite having the same name as my children, I can't think of a single pro. Also I Don't want to change my title to Mrs or Ms, I want to be a miss (little miss grumpy about a potential name change) is that even allowed? Will I have to change my title as well? If so why? I haven't had strong feelings either way and was just going to go along with changing my name and title but now it's coming closer I am backtracking. DP is seeing this as a sign of cold feet (hence asking to postpone until I'm sure). To be honest it's mostly the phonecalls and online forms putting me off. It's not like we aren't committed, we have children and a house and have lived together for over a decade. I asked if he would change his name to mine and he said no with a confused face, so you know. That made me want to keep my name even more.

TheDogsMother · 23/05/2023 16:05

cazwelsh80 · 23/05/2023 15:37

Bit weird because as I grew up the women always took the husbands last name. That’s part of marriage and the commitment to each other. I took my husbands, no stress no over thinking. It’s just what your meant to do when you get married and it’s been that way for hundreds of years. Can’t commit to that then don’t get married. Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them.

Wrong I'm afraid. I married first time in 1992 and it was very common then for women to keep their own names. There's no 'meant' about it and goes back to the days of 'owning' a wife. Also it's nothing to do with lack of commitment.

Sammmmmy1512 · 23/05/2023 16:05

Having the same surname as your kids is enough of an answer for me! 🤷‍♀️

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/05/2023 16:05

It's your name. If you don't want to change it, nobody else gets a say in that. It's your name.

I did actually change my name because I was teased about my surname as a child and I was eager to get rid of it. However, I think I would have dug my heels in and insisted on keeping mine if DH had tried to pressure me in any way. Tbh, I'd have thought twice about marrying him because it strongly suggests a very sexist attitude...

QueenofKattegat · 23/05/2023 16:05

I have exactly the same issue Speermint! Haven't changed my name, yet have had people (family) tell me that it's illegal that my bank card has my name on it and not Mrs Hisname. Cards are addressed to Mrs Hisname. I say, I haven't changed my name and get told yes you have.

OP, keep your name!

Redglitter · 23/05/2023 16:06

2 of my colleagues got married. They chose a completely new surname for their marriage. They chose something that had a meaning to them. Unusual but a good compromise

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/05/2023 16:06

Sammmmmy1512 · 23/05/2023 16:05

Having the same surname as your kids is enough of an answer for me! 🤷‍♀️

But you don't have to change your name to do that... you can give your kids your name in any case.

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 23/05/2023 16:07

I didn't change mine for the the reasons you mentioned (ok, 90% laziness, 10% why should I!). It doesn't really ever come up tbh, a few people asked me at first and I said I might when passport expired etc but I didn't get round to it. Husband doesn't really have an opinion on it, I think I'd have thought twice about marrying him if he did! Kids have his name but I didn't argue that as it's much nicer and I chose all first and middle names.

sunshineonly · 23/05/2023 16:07

ValBiro · 23/05/2023 09:21

And this is just rubbish really... If a woman doesn't want to change her name to that of her husband, she doesn't want to be seen as a family unit? Cmon... We aren't wearing t-shirts witn the family shield and name on it anyway so who would even know?! The strength of our "unit" doesn't rely so tenuously on us all taking the big man's surname.

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He took my name. What I said isn’t rubbish, it was just how we felt about it all. Others are free to do whatever they want based on how they feel. It was important to us, I’m not saying it has to be important to others.

QueenofKattegat · 23/05/2023 16:08

cazwelsh80 · 23/05/2023 15:37

Bit weird because as I grew up the women always took the husbands last name. That’s part of marriage and the commitment to each other. I took my husbands, no stress no over thinking. It’s just what your meant to do when you get married and it’s been that way for hundreds of years. Can’t commit to that then don’t get married. Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them.

What a load of rubbish this is. Propping up the patriarchy eh.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/05/2023 16:08

cazwelsh80 · 23/05/2023 15:37

Bit weird because as I grew up the women always took the husbands last name. That’s part of marriage and the commitment to each other. I took my husbands, no stress no over thinking. It’s just what your meant to do when you get married and it’s been that way for hundreds of years. Can’t commit to that then don’t get married. Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them.

Wow, how depressing that people like this still exist.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 23/05/2023 16:16

cazwelsh80 · 23/05/2023 15:37

Bit weird because as I grew up the women always took the husbands last name. That’s part of marriage and the commitment to each other. I took my husbands, no stress no over thinking. It’s just what your meant to do when you get married and it’s been that way for hundreds of years. Can’t commit to that then don’t get married. Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them.

You’re also supposed to be a virgin when you get married, and wear white to reflect that. That’s also “part of marriage”….can’t commit to it, don’t get married.

my kids are fine with me having a different name btw.

Holidaygeek · 23/05/2023 16:16

QueenofKattegat · 23/05/2023 16:08

What a load of rubbish this is. Propping up the patriarchy eh.

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Exactly. In a lot of cultures women keep their own surnames and aren’t meant to change it to their husband’s.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 23/05/2023 16:17

Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them

lots of kids don’t. My step kids mum got remarried when they were pre school age so they have never had the same name as she changed hers on marriage.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/05/2023 16:18

sunshineonly · 23/05/2023 15:59

It’s not ridiculous. I just explained that how was how we felt about it. I don’t mean for a second that others have to feel the same.

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You said "It depends on how much you want to be seen as a family unit" which very much suggests that society as a whole and not just you, will only see people as a family unit if they all have the same name. So yes, I repeat, that's ridiculous.

CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 23/05/2023 16:23

It’s ridiculous that you’re supposed to put aside your strong feelings of affection for your birth name, and take a name you don’t even like, just to soothe his silly little ego.

Don’t give into that pissy nonsense.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/05/2023 16:25

cazwelsh80 · 23/05/2023 15:37

Bit weird because as I grew up the women always took the husbands last name. That’s part of marriage and the commitment to each other. I took my husbands, no stress no over thinking. It’s just what your meant to do when you get married and it’s been that way for hundreds of years. Can’t commit to that then don’t get married. Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them.

My kids, who range in age from 20 to 25, all survived having a different name to me. In hindsight, I'm sorry we didn't double barrel, although they do have my surname as a middle name. Most of their friends had mothers who also kept their names so parents with different surnames was the norm for them.

When I got married over 30 years ago, the vast majority of women in our social circle kept their names when they got married. We committed to the relationship. That does not require committing to a name.

OhBling · 23/05/2023 16:25

I think there's a certain irony that he's so stuck on this one "traditional" thing while quite happily abandoning "tradition" by living with you and having children with you without being married. Talk about picking and choosing. It almost sounds to me (sorry) like he doesn't want to be married and is using this as an excuse.

I didn't take DH's name either and am very glad. Like a PP, I wouldn't admit this in real life but I'm always a bit bemused by the automatic assumption by most people that the woman will just change names on marriage and by how common it still is.

And this argument that it's easier with schools and doctor's offices etc is really just allowing these organisations to continue to be shit. It' been eye opening to see how DS' secondary school have not had a single problem calling me by my name in a single form of communication, including in person at Parents Evening, vs his primary school where, after 7 years, I'm still regularly referred to as Mrs DHName.

WalnutWhippy · 23/05/2023 16:27

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 23/05/2023 16:16

You’re also supposed to be a virgin when you get married, and wear white to reflect that. That’s also “part of marriage”….can’t commit to it, don’t get married.

my kids are fine with me having a different name btw.

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My teenagers are more than fine with me having my own name. Actually I think they'd judge me a bit if I'd changed it.

purplehair1 · 23/05/2023 16:30

I could never change my name. It’s my name for work. It would be like losing my identity, never mind all the paperwork! I think there’s nothing worse than the old fashioned way of referring to a woman entirely by her her husbands name - Mrs John Chadwick for example. It’s like she’s invisible.

Turfwars · 23/05/2023 16:30

cazwelsh80 · 23/05/2023 15:37

Bit weird because as I grew up the women always took the husbands last name. That’s part of marriage and the commitment to each other. I took my husbands, no stress no over thinking. It’s just what your meant to do when you get married and it’s been that way for hundreds of years. Can’t commit to that then don’t get married. Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them.

In your culture you mean.

In my culture, women kept their names after marriage.

OhBling · 23/05/2023 16:34

cazwelsh80 · 23/05/2023 15:37

Bit weird because as I grew up the women always took the husbands last name. That’s part of marriage and the commitment to each other. I took my husbands, no stress no over thinking. It’s just what your meant to do when you get married and it’s been that way for hundreds of years. Can’t commit to that then don’t get married. Also how do you think the kids are going to feel growing up that you don’t have the same name as them? It won’t be nice for them.

You're totally right, if you don't have the same name, marriage is completely and totally pointless.

Not.

I won't lie - my DC have noticed we don't have the same name. But honestly, it's a great opportunity to discuss why not and patriarchal systems! DH always jumps in to assure the kids that if at any time they want to change their name to mine, that's fine. In fact, he really wanted to make it that boys would have his and girls mine. I thought it was a good idea, but I did feel that would get complicated.

BabyTa · 23/05/2023 16:41

I use both - official docs half in my maiden name/half in my married one. Work is maiden name, family stuff is married name. You don't need to choose and it's archaic that woman are still in this situation. I have always used Ms as never wanted to be identified by relationship status so didn't need to think about it.

bugbossausa · 23/05/2023 16:43

Don't his name! It's such an outdated patriarchal tradition. Or double barrel?

kethuphouse · 23/05/2023 16:44

There are zero pros to losing your surname but it is traditional to give up your surname. God only knows why it is still a thing to do in this day and age. Be strong and stand your ground, you have just as much right as he does to keep your surname.

bugbossausa · 23/05/2023 16:44

*Don't take his name