Changing name and title for marriage. pros and cons?

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When I was younger I wanted to change my name to my partners name but actually, now it comes down to it I think I want to keep my name. He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

All I can think though is I have to call my bank, my dbs is in my maiden name, my passport still has 8 years on it, my Dr's, my mortgage statement has my name all the other faff.
He won't be volunteering to make these calls for me.

I just signed a slip for the school this morning and writing my signature made me think about having to write a new name? After a lifetime of this name? What are the cons?

We are working class, excouncil house, labourers, you know, all the mums stay at home and all the dads are plasterers or carpenters or builders. I'd be the first out of my whole family and friends and even acquaintances to keep my own last name if I do it. I am feeling the pressure to be honest. (I feel these factors paint a picture of the type of circle I live in and the expectations on women in my community. Yes there are still places like this)

I mean despite having the same name as my children, I can't think of a single pro. Also I Don't want to change my title to Mrs or Ms, I want to be a miss (little miss grumpy about a potential name change) is that even allowed? Will I have to change my title as well? If so why?

I haven't had strong feelings either way and was just going to go along with changing my name and title but now it's coming closer I am backtracking. DP is seeing this as a sign of cold feet (hence asking to postpone until I'm sure). To be honest it's mostly the phonecalls and online forms putting me off.

It's not like we aren't committed, we have children and a house and have lived together for over a decade.
I asked if he would change his name to mine and he said no with a confused face, so you know. That made me want to keep my name even more.

I don’t see any pros to changing your name.

i wouldn’t marry a man who expected me to change my name. I also wouldn’t have children with a man who assumed our children would get his name by default.

You can use both, i have changed to married name for most personal things, and my maiden name has stayed for work.

Also you don't need to decide now, it doesn't instantly happen when you get married, and i'm 3 years married and still haven't changed everything.

I felt like you a bit so i've phased my maiden name out gradually as i have got more comfortable with my married name. Wr did dpuble barrell our kids before marriage though

I was initially going to keep mine, mainly because I didn’t want to lose my identity. My husband didn’t mind either way. However, a couple of weeks before the wedding I changed my mind because I wanted the same name as my husband.

I haven’t lost my identity. I’m still me. The related admin wasn’t difficult.

Change your name socially so if you got an invite people would say the smiths etc, but on official documents or work documents etc. keep your original name

Know many women who do this from a professional perspective

This is a good idea

It’s funny I was thinking about this the other day when I was out with my friend and she gave her name for the lunch reservation as “Mrs Smith”.

I find it so weird that women change their title after marriage as if to signify to the world that they have achieved the hallowed status of marriage. So odd and old fashioned.

I would never change my name (I’m quite attached to it!) but I don’t feel strongly though about women changing their name or not providing it’s their choice.

this is his argument. Do I love him as much as his friends wife of I won't take his name? Yes I do.
Does his friend love his wife of he won't take her name?

I might just keep it officially my name and tell my friends and family it's Mrs xxx for social reasons.

Writing my signature really got to me this morning. I honestly thought I'd be Mrs xxx last week. it feels like a big step.

I changed mine but I didn’t like my maiden name.

Do you have to pay for a new passport? Can you travel with your maiden name on your passport while being Mrs Newname?

Also what if we ever divorce? I'm going to have to change it back ugh.

I know a few forms isn't that bad but I hate forms.

@Nordicrain Cons
Not having the same name as your husband/ kids which will mean a lot of correcting schools, doctors, banks etc calling/ writing to you Mrs [kids surname] and potential questions when travelling

I have never had any issue travelling and I've flown alone with DC with different name to be at least 10 different trips.
I've also never had to correct anyone or had the bank writing to me under a different name. That doesn't even make sense, most things are automated.

Hi OP. Whatever you decide to do is the right choice for you. I changed my surname by deed poll at 18, and my mum went back to her maiden name. Father abandoned us when she was pregnant with me and she always said it was MY choice what my identity would be (she is remarkable). I knew all along I wanted the same surname as the rest of our family (she has 3 brothers so all cousins and aunts have the same one). It was such a happy day.
Not thinking about marriage, I don't think I would change it again. I love my surname, I chose it myself. As much as I love my future in-laws (and I really do), they are not the ones who plucked mum and me out the gutter, as my grandparents did and gave me the best childhood imaginable. Both have now died and carrying their surname and living a life they would approve of for the rest of my life is my way of saying thank you.
Sentimental stuff aside, the admin part of changing your name takes FOREVER. It took me well over a year to get everything sorted and I was only 18, mum's took longer as she had house deeds, insurance policies etc - all wanted the original certificates and it was a real faff.
You do you. But don't let your future husband bully you. Mine has been wonderful fortunately and respects my choice.

He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

Definite big red flag here. I'd seriously be questioning if I really want to marry someone who thought this an appropriate reaction to saying that you don't want to change your name.

Can you travel with your maiden name on your passport while being Mrs Newname?

Yes. I did for a couple of years.

Double barrel it.

i asked my husband if he’d ever change his name tumbleweed

I find it so weird that women change their title after marriage as if to signify to the world that they have achieved the hallowed status of marriage. So odd and old fashioned.

Agree. I just don't buy any of the other reasons which are cited for doing it. "We're a team": fine, but you don't have to have the same surname to be a team. Admin, meh, there's admin with any life change. It is what it is.

You see people on here post that they are "proud" to be Mrs X all the time on these sorts of threads. I find that bizarre. Of all the things in life to be proud of (your children, your job, you friendships, hobbies, political engagement, volunteering etc), the fact that you are legally yoked to a bloke is a very odd thing to be proud of. Not a negative, certainly, but not the thing I would most want to shout from the rooftops. "Look at me, I'm married!". Woohoo, have a medal.

I don't have strong feelings as to whether you should take his name or not OP and if you wanted to I'd say go for it but I certainly don't think you should be railroaded into doing it because his ego can't cope with you keeping yours.

I think it’s a bit worrying that he’s reacted so strongly as to postpone the wedding over this! Fair enough that it maybe came as a bit of a shock and so he had to adjust his expectations of this marriage, albeit this is, I would argue, minor in the grand scheme of things, but yes, to postpone is going rather nuclear.
I did change my name to my husbands on marriage and was happy to do so for a combination of reasons, tradition, creating that family surname for us and future children etc, (we didn’t double barrel as it would’ve sounded bonkers!) but I did keep my maiden name as a middle name, and have given our son that name as an extra middle name too.
If you don’t feel happy and comfortable to change your name, don’t do it.

I was the first person I knew to keep my maiden name when I married, I just really like my surname and had no desire to take my husband's.

We double barrel the kids but we did realise later we had missed a trick and should have combined surnames.

Our surnames go together relatively well to create a new one.....so I'm Mrs Upworth, he's Mr Downy so we could've been the Updowns (not real names obvs but you get the jist)!

My husband doesn't care that I didn't take his name, he wanted to marry me not brand me.

if you wanted to make a compromise you could just add his name, rather than change completely. So be Tessa Smith Jones (no hyphen required). You could also change the kids names to this.

I won’t change my name to future husbands and I will put both our names for children. I’ve heard it’s very common in Europe. Then when the kids marry they decide what name to Carry on to their kids (I think they usually go for the first name).

I have been married over 25 years and am originally from a very patriarchal, developing country. I still kept my name and have never had any trouble travelling or with banks or with anything.

I can't believe men are still insecure about this.

Oh also, meant to say that when a relative got married recently, their wife wanted to keep their maiden name. My aunt was a bit uppity about it and I was used as an example of the fact you could change your name but you wouldn't have to update Facebook (ie 44PumpLane has left her Facebook in her maiden name but changed her name when she married).

My future in law reached out to me for clarification and I confirmed that I hadn't changed my name and that's why I hadn't changed Facebook.....my Aunt had been assuming all these years I'd changed my name!!!

My new in law also chose not to change her name .....pave the way!!!

I kept my name. It’s honestly never caused me any issues with school, doctors etc.

it’s a bit of a red flag that he thinks it matters so much tbh, you’ve already got kids together, you can’t be any more invested in the relationship! It makes it sound like he wants to stamp his ownership on you.

Him insisting would be a huge red flag for me. Do it or don’t do it but do it for you . I didn’t … would not dream of changing my name. Have never had a problem with schools etc and my kids know who their mother is ! I’m aware if I had to travel abroad with them on my own we’d need extra ID but that’s a small price to pay

I've been waiting 15 years or so to need to produce extra ID or be questioned at the airport on the fact that all 3 kids have different surnames and it's literally never happened!

I’ve never had to correct anyone. Schools, dr’s etc have always managed to get it right.

never had a problem travelling either. I’m fact we (mums and kids) travelled as a big group recently for a kids sports team and the ones who got stopped and asked for documentation had the same names as their kids.

it’s a myth/confirmation bias that if you have a different name it causes problems travelling. Many cultures don’t have “family” names and manage fine.

The people saying it's easier to not correct children's schools etc: the school will have your correct name listed with your phone number so should have it right if they phone you.

Also, that can be fixed by just not bothering to correct people when you know who they mean. Keeping your birth name doesn't mean you have to correct people socially.