Changing name and title for marriage. pros and cons?

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When I was younger I wanted to change my name to my partners name but actually, now it comes down to it I think I want to keep my name. He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

All I can think though is I have to call my bank, my dbs is in my maiden name, my passport still has 8 years on it, my Dr's, my mortgage statement has my name all the other faff.
He won't be volunteering to make these calls for me.

I just signed a slip for the school this morning and writing my signature made me think about having to write a new name? After a lifetime of this name? What are the cons?

We are working class, excouncil house, labourers, you know, all the mums stay at home and all the dads are plasterers or carpenters or builders. I'd be the first out of my whole family and friends and even acquaintances to keep my own last name if I do it. I am feeling the pressure to be honest. (I feel these factors paint a picture of the type of circle I live in and the expectations on women in my community. Yes there are still places like this)

I mean despite having the same name as my children, I can't think of a single pro. Also I Don't want to change my title to Mrs or Ms, I want to be a miss (little miss grumpy about a potential name change) is that even allowed? Will I have to change my title as well? If so why?

I haven't had strong feelings either way and was just going to go along with changing my name and title but now it's coming closer I am backtracking. DP is seeing this as a sign of cold feet (hence asking to postpone until I'm sure). To be honest it's mostly the phonecalls and online forms putting me off.

It's not like we aren't committed, we have children and a house and have lived together for over a decade.
I asked if he would change his name to mine and he said no with a confused face, so you know. That made me want to keep my name even more.

I agree with previous posters that changing your name on marriage is becoming increasingly outdated. The vast majority of younger married women I know keep their own names.

I did change my name on getting married (some 35 years ago) but always used the prefix 'Ms'. I didn't see why a woman should have to reveal her marital status with either Miss or Mrs, so have used Ms ever since. When I got divorced I immediately went and changed my surname back to my original name by Deed Poll.

Nowadays I think it makes sense for the default to be that the children have the same surname as the mother. If I hadn’t been married (and changed my surname to his) they definitely wouldn’t have had his surname.

Remember historically women were much more reliant on men for their survival and standard of living when they had children. Imagine no contraception so having many more children, no formula, no domestic appliances, no public toilets, no tampons, no school, no nhs, no proper medicines. So the one ‘visible’ in society and making sure you had enough to eat was the man. Women were too busy in the home. It was just how it was. It made sense for the family unit to have a man’s surname historically. It also made sense for the woman to have a claim on the resource giver.

I felt the same as you OP. But got over it. My maiden name was the one from my dad. It follows the bit where the dad gives his property away (you) to the groom in the ceremony. It did help that I didn’t want to be associated with historically being my dad’s ‘property’ anymore.

I would sit down chat to your husband-to-be and ask him why he doesn’t want to change his name. Them tell him you feel the same about yours. I did this and we had some deep and meaningfuls. In the end I wanted us to be a new unit and all (future children) to have the same surname. We discussed him changing his name and he didn’t like the idea but would have gone along with it but it would have upset his dad (Dh is only child). Me changing my surname was the least bad option because I wanted us all to have the same surname.

Keep your name. It's a feminist act that will embolden other women in your life - every chip to the patriarchy is a chip in the right direction!

I kept my name and go by Ms. There's something about "Mrs" that makes me cringe. I think it's all the twee wedding paraphernalia that became popular over the last decade or so. I equate it with all that Love, laugh, love stuff I think. "Mrs Smith" on wedding dressing gowns and champagne glasses 🤢

He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

My urgent advice is to not marry someone who is going to get upset about this kind of thing. Absolutely , postpone any wedding until he can work out why it's so important to him and til he can work out how to discuss and agree compromises.

It's a nonsense for him to conflate taking his name to getting married, especially when you already have DC

Suggest he changes his name to your if he wants to be the same. Or you both chose an entirely new name. See how he reacts, observe that closely.

This is honestly great advice. I think you have dived a bullet.

Having the same name does not make you a team. Having each others back, helping in the way you want to be helped, looking out for each other makes you a team.

I also agree that your soon to be husband is an idiot to postpone the wedding on account of this but having come from a similar background I do understand his reaction. You need to explain to him why it's archaic and unnecessary because he will not have even considered it before. He literally won't understand and will (has) taken it as a personal slight. If you explain it and he's still sulking then you've picked a wrong'un I'm afraid...

I might just keep it officially my name and tell my friends and family it's Mrs xxx for social reasons.

I wouldn't do this OP, it's the worst of both worlds and you'll just find yourself explaining and justifying your decision over and over again. Just make a decision one way or the other and stick with it!

I have kept my own surname and all the reasons people use to try to shame/scare women into changing their name and upholding this patriarchal tradition have never happened to me. The school don't care I have a different name to my children, I don't mind if someone accidentally calls me by their surname, no one has assumed I'm not their mum, I've taken them out of the country without being arrested, our family unit hasn't been weakened.

Just keep your name, your fiancés wishes don't trump yours, start as you mean to go on!

This comment won't be liked but re passport I never changed mine until it needed a renewal.... 5 years after marriage. If I went abroad I booked under my maiden name and never had problems.

I did change driving licence as that was much cheaper and used that as photo ID..... it also took me years to change credit cards and I had a amnesty closing down loads of accounts like store ones I didn't need.... also so many of my store points cards are still in my maiden name.

I know people who changed their name on the wedding licence but kept everything else the same. As long as you don't do anything to be fraudulent

In my opinion there are no 'pros' whatsoever. This is a view I tend to keep to myself unless asked directly, as it tends to offend. But since you did ask, that's my response.

It never even occurred to me to change my name. A commitment for someone for life is enough - it doesn't require the relinquishing of your own identity into the bargain. My name represents my history, for better or worse. To change it to the name of a family with whom I don't share that history makes no sense whatsoever. And had my own DH questioned what, to me, was a very personal preference of identity affecting me alone, I'd have been forced to question whether his values were compatible with mine.

The pushback I got was beyond anything I imagined. I've encountered:

• 'Well, I had respect for MY husband!' (I also have respect for mine, and the person who made that comment is divorced. I resisted the temptation to point either of these things out).

• 'Computer says no'. (Completed marital status as married; system defaulted to 'Mrs').

• Booked flight with United Airlines, under the title 'Dr' but with an obviously female given name. Credit card under my name. Their computer system defaulted to DH as Passenger 1.

• 'Trust you to have to be "different!"' irascible distant relative.

• Refusal on the part of my in-laws to recognise that I have a name. Cards every year addressed to Mrs Hisname, despite requests to stop.

• Assumption, every time I book something in my name, that it's DH who is the 'Dr'. (He isn't).

• 'Women's libber, are we?' (said to me with cocked eyebrow by someone we made a simple business transaction with, under both our names).

• Other low-level crap that I can't even remember.

As far as I'm concerned, titles can get in the bin. They're not even necessary. But if when we married in 2008 I (reasonably) expected no one would give a fig what I call myself, it's been quite the awakening. If women assert their independence, even in such small ways as this, it's very telling how quickly 'society' leaps up to shove us back into our box.

All these are excellent reasons as to why we shouldn't capitulate to that pressure, and which confirm to my mind the rightness of my original decision.

Hold firm, OP, and if you want to use your own name, do precisely that. And thank you. Typing all that out was cathartic!

I kept my name, DDs have my name (they have DH’s as second middle name).

He gets called Mr Lizard all the time by school, even though his name is on their records.

I’ve always used Ms.

I only know one other woman in real life who has kept her own name (and her kid has her DH’s name), I wish more women would! I don’t even really have a strong connection to my name but it was mine for 30+ years and I was damned if I was going to change it after all that time.

Interesting points. I have received pushback in various ways, but also not in any of the ways you mention.

If your family uses a combination of more than one surname, you're still a unit and nobody suggests your child isn't your child. As for children themselves being confused, an attitude I've seen on occasion, kids know precisely who their parents are.

I've taken DC out of the country without incident.

School has frequently addressed me as Mrs Hisname (DC uses both), and I've never taken gratuitous offence. Different story when extended family knows precisely what your name is and refuses to use it.

If you aren't 100% sure you want to change your name, don't. You don't have to do it immediately anyway. You don't have a "duty" to do anything.

I had a comedy name combination so was happy to change mine when I got married and I've kept it after the divorce (it's mine - I didn't borrow it). The pros for me were that it was no longer embarrassing to introduce myself and it made me more confident in social situations. Yes, I could have changed it to any name I wanted at any time but that would have been more "insulting" to my parents who chose my name with love and I suppose it never really occurred to me. There were no cons.

My children know why I changed it and I've told my DD that she wouldn't need to make the same choice. I like the idea of double barrelled names so that both families are represented but that does depend on the names working together.

Have whatever name makes you happy.

Honestly, changing my name was no big deal at all and I hardly even remember it now because it was really just quite straightforward.

But I was also very happy to get rid of my old name. I have no family ties to the name and am NC with my family anyway, so I was excited to finally share a name with people I actually considered to be family. Dh wouldn’t have cared either way.

Do whatever makes you happy, but I’m not sure I’d be thrilled with someone suggesting they wouldn’t marry me if i didn’t change my name as that’s a bit 1950s for me.

My son has my husbands surname. I kept my name, I was v clear about it from early on in the relationship. I absolutely would
not have been bullied into changing it.

We are both happy with our set up. My name is my identity I’m not forfeiting that for any one

If the main reasons is the hassle of changing documentation. It’s easier than you think.

I was married abroad and had to renew my passport the month before I was married. I changed bank, work, GP to married name and it was relatively easy.

My passport and drivers license is in my maiden name because I was too tight to get a new passport with my married name when I had 10 years left. When I renew my passport soon I will submit my marriage documentation and change my name at that point, from there to change on drivers licence it’s as simple as popping in the passport number online.

Only imparting this advice because you mentioned on the original thread about the hassle.

If you really don’t like the name, then don’t change it and don’t feel pressured.

I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about changing mine, but I feel like the world is beyond looking at ‘Mrs Such&Such’ and jumping to the conclusion that you’re at home baking in a twin set and pearls waiting hand and foot on your husband. I have a successful career and accomplished in my field, I’ve never felt held back by the title or perception. I decided to go with it for my own reasons, I wouldn’t say not having the same surname make you any less of a family unit etc, it’s got to be how you feel about it. For me I just liked the tradition of being Mr and Mrs Blah. I don’t have any feelings and don’t believe that the feeling is prevalent that by taking your husbands name you are losing your identity etc, you’re the same person you were before the certificate and you will continue to be so.

If you do change your name and you are made to feel any sort of way because of it then I would suggest reconsidering your employer, friends etc because it’s their views that are off!

You rock!

My husband and I both double barreled our names. I said he could have my name, we would both double barrel or nobody changes names at all. Our children now have both our names.

The passport thing is a complete myth. I don't have the same name as my mum but she was never questioned about it at border control.

The passport thing is a complete myth

just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it is a "complete myth". Plenty of MN posters have had a problem.

Plenty of people with the same name have also had the same issue. it’s travelling as a single adult with kids that is the issue, not whether you share a name.

it’s a myth (or confirmation bias) that you are only stopped to show PR if you have different names.

If he's not close to his family and your surname has links to someone you'd rather forget, what about a brand new surname? That way, you're both getting a fresh start together, and you share equally the hassle of having to change your name with organisations and supply a second surname for your DBS.

If the surnames don't mesh well together, you could consider using a different family name for your starting point - maybe, the maiden name of a female relative you admire and love. Or, it could be very different and very random.

You need to consider the children's ages and wishes. Would they all want to change surnames too? Then you could all have the same name.

In the States - I don't know about the UK - I know alot of women who divorce and have kept their husband's name - because it " simplifies things". This is ridiculous!

Just keep your own name; it's yours after all. And the only person it affects is you! It is your choice alone.
If you decide to keep your name is DP going to call off the marriage? Is this blackmail? A threat? A promise? What kind of man threatens his future wife ? Duty- fluty. Red flag. I would think twice before marrying him.

I live in a country where people don't change their name when they get married. It's becoming more and more common to keep your name.

A relative changed hers to her husbands and they now work in the same field - in the same office, in fact. She says it has made people assume that she used him to enhance her career. In fact, she was there first and is more senior.

Why is he so upset about this? It makes him seem unreasonable, to be honest.

I got nagged into changing my name and I still really regret it 18 years later!

I wish we had at least double barrelled but DH was adamant we should all have his name.

What is particularly galling now is that he is considering abandoning the surname as his father abandoned him as a baby and so the name means nothing to him.

Re travelling with children... I've made many flights alone with DDs, with both matching and unmatching names. (As I used my old passport until it expired). I was questioned twice, both with my married surname. DH wa never questioned when travelling alone. PILs have never been questioned with any of their grandchildren. I always had an official letter with me as advised.

DD also had to have a five minute conversation with a border official in France a few months ago, without us although we were both travelling at te sane time. So they could confirm it was her passport. She was 9.

Travelling with children isn't affected by their mothers age. It can be completely random.

'If women assert their independence, even in such small ways as this, it's very telling how quickly 'society' leaps up to shove us back into our box.'

Well said

OP, you keep your name because it's YOUR NAME. Hopefully your man can wrap his head around how weird it is that you would be expected to ditch your name just because you're a woman

Your opening post sets out really clearly why this whole issue is way more complex than 'its just a choice'. Choices are not made in a vacuum. You're feeling the pressure from your wider social circle and context. Name changing upon marriage is absolutely still 'the norm' and 'the done thing' in many groups. Only if you're a woman of course