Changing name and title for marriage. pros and cons?

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When I was younger I wanted to change my name to my partners name but actually, now it comes down to it I think I want to keep my name. He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

All I can think though is I have to call my bank, my dbs is in my maiden name, my passport still has 8 years on it, my Dr's, my mortgage statement has my name all the other faff.
He won't be volunteering to make these calls for me.

I just signed a slip for the school this morning and writing my signature made me think about having to write a new name? After a lifetime of this name? What are the cons?

We are working class, excouncil house, labourers, you know, all the mums stay at home and all the dads are plasterers or carpenters or builders. I'd be the first out of my whole family and friends and even acquaintances to keep my own last name if I do it. I am feeling the pressure to be honest. (I feel these factors paint a picture of the type of circle I live in and the expectations on women in my community. Yes there are still places like this)

I mean despite having the same name as my children, I can't think of a single pro. Also I Don't want to change my title to Mrs or Ms, I want to be a miss (little miss grumpy about a potential name change) is that even allowed? Will I have to change my title as well? If so why?

I haven't had strong feelings either way and was just going to go along with changing my name and title but now it's coming closer I am backtracking. DP is seeing this as a sign of cold feet (hence asking to postpone until I'm sure). To be honest it's mostly the phonecalls and online forms putting me off.

It's not like we aren't committed, we have children and a house and have lived together for over a decade.
I asked if he would change his name to mine and he said no with a confused face, so you know. That made me want to keep my name even more.

He's cherry picking traditions OP.

He's happy with you both living together before marriage.
Happy impregnating you with your DC and you being an unmarried mother.
Happy with the children taking his name when traditionally as said unwed mother, it should have been YOUR surname they got.
He's presumably happy with the other traditional bits like you doing all the wifework and I bet you work as well? So not quite a fully trad wife then eh?

To me it sounds like he's finding excuses to not marry you. Call his bluff and say yeah, you'll change your name after the wedding. See his reaction. If he scrabbles around looking for another excuse then it's time to reassess getting married.

You can't do the paperwork until after marriage anyway. And you might be just too bloody busy to get around to it that year...or the next...

I don’t understand why anyone changes their name. I didn’t and there is no downside. Sometimes I get called by DH’s last name and sometimes he gets called by mine, but as neither of us mind that isn’t a problem either.

Honestly I'm surprised so many women still do this. I think it's often done without much thought being put into it as it's traditional. But when you really think it through its really weird.

You’re stuck in the dark ages I’m afraid. A lot of us have moved on and dare to question established traditions. Fancy that , little ladies challenging men .

OP:
Your DH’s logic makes no sense.

Your kids didn’t take your name, but don’t love you less! And you don’t love them less because they have a different name.

You have lived 10 years as a family with different names: if friends and family are waiting for you to change your name to realise you are a family they are lacking something.

I have never changed my name, the Dc have both our names, and I have been Ms since I was a young teen.

If you want to change your name, do. If you don’t, don’t. And if he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to, but he might give 10 mins thought as to why it should always be that women re-label themselves on marriage and men don’t.

Good luck!

I'm a married "Ms" and don't need my husband's name to prove to me, him or the world that we are a "committed team".
My DC happens to have has his name (alrhough DH was happy for them to have had mine) but DC was a "new" person, so to me that's less significant than changing your own name and identity part way through your life. Most men would never dream of making such a fundamental change to their identity, so why would women?
Administratively, it really isn't a problem for us or DC. Schools, doctors and the world at large have the capacity (and the space on their forms) to cope with 2 different surnames. I'm often referred to as XX's mum, and in fact, my surname rarely enters into a conversation.
On the rare occasion I'm unwittingly referred to my husband's surname, usually when ordering takeaway, I let it go because that doesn't matter. But deliberately and permanently removing my own name, that I've had all my life, does.
For me it's on a par with being known as "Mrs Brian Boring" or asking your parents' permission to marry you before proposing.

I didn't take my husband's name and our baby's name is hyphenated.

It is your choice and honestly, I wouldn't marry a man who felt like he had a say and felt so strongly that he wants to postpone the wedding.

Also I think it's got to be flagged this is a British tradition - in Spain children also take the mothers names....

You don't want to take his name.
He wont take your name.
How do you both feel about an entirely new name for you all?

I got married a very long time ago and didn't take DHs surname. Dc has both surnames.
A friend of mine got married last year and has Her Surname followed by his, her husband has His Surname followed by hers.
Another friend married recently and he and his wife took a new name completely.

outdated bollocks and nnasty of him to say lets postpone-over a fucking name?

wtf

Many posters have said they changed their name because they wanted the same name as their kids, present or future.

How come your kids automatically have / will have the father’s surname?

I was never going to change my name. I love my name and I hate how that part of a woman’s identity - that link to her parents, is erased when she marries. Plus I associate Mrs DH surname with his mum. It’s just weird - that’s not me.

Not changing my name has been so easy! Just signed the marriage certificate as me and that’s the end of it. No admin, no paperwork, no mixing up of names and documents (this would be a big professional issue for me at work as well). The kids have my name as a middle name but I should have pushed for the surname. I’ve never had any issues or confusion from anyone. Sometimes someone will refer to us as the my surname family - but I like that! At first DH was a little affronted but I said, ok, you be Mr my surname. He was horrified and that was the end of that.

When my husband and I got married I was determined to break the tradition of women just changing their surname to their husband’s without any thought to the patriarchy that tradition is rooted in. I did like the idea of a family name with our future children, though, so rather than trying to force him to take my name (funny how most men are completely against this but expect women to have no problem with it…) we decided to merge our surnames and we both changed our surname to the new one. It worked well for our names but it’s obviously not possible for everyone. Our children now also have the new surname. The deed poll stuff and changing our names on everything was a hassle but nothing too awful to sort out.

They do here too, I don’t know why this is being forgotten - oh yes I do, because men want kids to have their name.

Skipping to the end.

Sorry about CSA xxx

Choose whatever name you want.

When I married we both changed our name to a new family name (but this was before children)

It's really easy to change to married name.

It's a much much bigger pain in the arse to change it back.

Xxx

Love all of the women acting superior for keeping their own names! 🙄🙄🙄 There's no right or wrong, it's a personal decision!

I agree, DH understands that my name is my connection to my family and my identity so he is ok with it. People also refer to me as Mrs DH name but I don't take offence to that either because it's just an assumption.

I kept my name . My DH wasn't remotely bothered. I only found out after the wedding that both families were absolutely horrified. I still wasn't changing so I changed my name on SM and they all thought I'd given in . Not worth the hassle of explaining that both of us were happy with me not changing. I take great delight in knowing I didn't.

It is a personal decision, yes.

But it isn’t a decision made without context. The status quo, born of patriarchy, is that in the UK women change their name and ,mostly, men do not. And many women who choose not to change are met with negative reactions. It takes a bit of grit to go against the grain. Until. it is equally as likely that men change their name on marriage many women who keep their names are having to make a bit of a stand. And like it or not, even if they don’t meet with personal resistance, they are chipping away at male-oriented tradition.

My dd has my name. We decided that girls would get my name and boys would get his.

we have never had any problems not having the same surnames for the entire household.

my dd will grow up knowing her name belongs to her and that she never needs to change it. She has also always been a Ms since the day she was born so will never need to change her title unless she chooses or earns the right to add Dr.

I didn't do it because I think it's rooted in misogyny and women being property passed from one man to another. Kids have double barrelled names, I would have been happy to double barrel but only if he did too - otherwise we'd just have been playing into the same "the man's name is most important" BS.

'It is a personal decision, yes.

But it isn’t a decision made without context'

Absolutely right.

I think some women see it as a source of pride/an achievement, and that they've made it once they become "Mrs X". And/or they associate largely with people who have never done it any other way so it doesn't occur to them to question it.

I kept mine for exactly the same reasons you’ve listed. It’s my name, it’s who I am, and I didn’t want to change.

DH was a little huffy at first, and I did add his last name on FB the morning after the wedding cos he was pecking me about it.

10 years down the line, I don’t think he cares either way, we’re still here for and with each other.

It's so old fashioned now. Why can't the men take the woman's name and kids have woman's name. I totally regret changing my name. Especially now my Dad has died and his name won't carry on and he was a million times more of a man than my children's father.
I am now divorced and the faff to change my name is immense. I can't do it til marital home sells as I'm scared that without photo ID I can't get my share of equity.
The task now seems monumental. It's different when you marry in 20s and are all in love. It's a pleasure to do. But now it's just more admin and things on my to do list.
I cringe at work every time I have to say my name.

So many marriages end in divorce.
Don't change it . Stick to your guns