Changing name and title for marriage. pros and cons?

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When I was younger I wanted to change my name to my partners name but actually, now it comes down to it I think I want to keep my name. He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

All I can think though is I have to call my bank, my dbs is in my maiden name, my passport still has 8 years on it, my Dr's, my mortgage statement has my name all the other faff.
He won't be volunteering to make these calls for me.

I just signed a slip for the school this morning and writing my signature made me think about having to write a new name? After a lifetime of this name? What are the cons?

We are working class, excouncil house, labourers, you know, all the mums stay at home and all the dads are plasterers or carpenters or builders. I'd be the first out of my whole family and friends and even acquaintances to keep my own last name if I do it. I am feeling the pressure to be honest. (I feel these factors paint a picture of the type of circle I live in and the expectations on women in my community. Yes there are still places like this)

I mean despite having the same name as my children, I can't think of a single pro. Also I Don't want to change my title to Mrs or Ms, I want to be a miss (little miss grumpy about a potential name change) is that even allowed? Will I have to change my title as well? If so why?

I haven't had strong feelings either way and was just going to go along with changing my name and title but now it's coming closer I am backtracking. DP is seeing this as a sign of cold feet (hence asking to postpone until I'm sure). To be honest it's mostly the phonecalls and online forms putting me off.

It's not like we aren't committed, we have children and a house and have lived together for over a decade.
I asked if he would change his name to mine and he said no with a confused face, so you know. That made me want to keep my name even more.

Maybe your partner can change his name to your name if he feels so strongly about you having the same name?

If he doesn't want to, then hopefully he'll be able to understand your position better.

oh yes, all the children have his name. So I feel like I've already compromised enough, whereas he has sat back and taken all of the credit. Putting his name on my work, so to speak.

The con, and I took my dh's name, is that I felt like I lost part of my identity. BUT for me being a family unit (we had no kids then) and all having the same surname was really important to me. I don't remember changing my name with banks etc being particularly onerous.

I didn't change my name and still call myself miss. No one cares at all after the initial confused faces. But obv it's going to be a problem if your partner cares. I liked my name and didn't like the burden falling to a woman and not the man to do the name change.

It depends how much you want to be seen as a family unit. To us it was important. We are a team and wanted others to see us as a team. However my husband didn’t like his surname so he changed his name to mine. It was entirely his own decision. He didn’t find changing his name on documents a faff at all.

Don't do it! How dare he pressure you into changing your name. It's your name just as his name is his, if he's so concerned about you all having the same name he can change his. But he won't of course cause he's a misogynistic jerk, i would think twice about marrying him.

Not sure why he feels so strongly about it. It's just a name tbh.

Do your kids have his last name?

DH has an incredibly common surname, so we gave the kids DH first name as their surname. And I have my maiden name.

So all of us have different last names 😂

Never caused us a problem.

You are correct OP that there are many downsides to giving up your name, the ones you have mentioned for starters but also that you are giving up your birth identity to be subsumed by that of your husbands.

The primary reason for me would be that I don't understand why the man's name has to take precedence. I think its appallingly misogynistic and old-fashioned in this day and age. But there are plenty of practical reasons not to like it too.

Listen to your instincts. If you want to give up your name you don't have to and frankly the fact your OH is making such a big flap about it is a real red flag to me. It should be your choice, made freely and without pressure. As a PP commented, if he feels that strongly about it why can't he take your name?

And ignore your family and peer group. It's not their marriage or their name so they can but out.

I cannot see any pros to changing your name to be honest.
But the vast majority of women still seem to do it.
Of my three SILs, one changed hers immediately. One said she would do it but 10 years later has never ‘got round to it’. The third said she wasn’t going to from the outset.
I’m not married to their brother, just in a long term relationship (20+ years).
All kids have their dad’s surname.

I have a couple of friends who use their married name in home life and have kept their maiden name at work. No idea what bank cards / driving license/ passport says.

Administratively, changing your name is straightforward. I wouldn't let that put you off

It's more about the symbolism of (1) sharing a surname so the world knows you're married or (2) keeping your own identity and surname. No right or wrong. But I think this is your decision to make, not your DH's

You could turn it round on him - perhaps best to postpone the wedding until he acknowledges that it's your choice whether or not to change your name. And you won't get married until he accepts that

I never did it because I would have felt as though I was admitting that I was the less important one in the partnership. Let’s follow your lead, big important man. No thanks.

only you can know how you’ll feel, though.

I considered keeping my maiden name but in the end changed it. The main reasons being:

• My first name is a bit trashy and my DH's name helps balance it out (my maiden name is common like Smith)

• My dad was willing to change to my mum's maiden name so there was obviously no attachment to the family name

• I wanted my DH, children and I to share a family name

• My DH's name is quite rare (especially in the UK) and it would die out on his entire side if we didn't pass it on through our DC.

I changed my name simply because I wanted the same name as my husband. I like being "The Smiths" (obvs not real name, best band). My husbands surname is also shorter and easier to spell than my maiden name! We don't have children so that wasn't an issue for us.

Entirely your call and what you are comfortable with at the end of the day.

I changed my name after marraige because I wanted the same name as my son. For the most part I've done it as I've gone along. So anything that needs to be renewed I just change the name then. For the bank I just needed to bring in my cert and fill out a quick form. My passport won't be changed until it needs to be renewed. It doesn't all have to be done immediately. I know people who changed their name in their personal life but kept their old name professionally. People do it in all sorts of ways that suit them. The problem here though is the fact that your dp has postponed the wedding because you won't change your name. Massive red flag !!

To be honest I don't really like his surname, it sounds a bit fluffy and I'd never heard of it before I met him. I will admit when we first met (at 16) I did think to myself do you really want to be Mrs xxxxx I have a much more strong name which I like. Think Mr dummy or Mr baby. I don't like it, I wish I kept my children's name as mine.
I've grown to like it because it's associated with a man I love but he isn't close with his family so we'd sort of be starting our new family with a new name (I'm my head, I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else)

There is one factor that makes it even more annoying, I was a victim of csa by someone of my own family name so i sort of want to put that name behind me but then again that's just another man dictating my name change. (obviously he isn't making me but it's still a factor in my head, still a factor in the decision)

I'm obviously thinking about it more than my FDH. (that's future dear husband, not fucking Dear husband)

I was the first person I knew to keep my name! So weird because imo the weirder choice is to change it! What is so outlandish to some people about keeping your own name?

I've been with my DH about 15 years, 2 kids and married so to me having his name isn't what makes us a family.

Your partner wanting to postpone the wedding is a bit of a red flag reaction though.
I'll be honest I hadn't given much though to changing my name or not before marriage, like you I probably just assumed I would change it! However the reality was different and I felt quite uncomfortable with the idea of changing my name. Initially my DH felt a bit weird about it. I think because so many women take their husband's name he viewed it as a slight on him, but then he came around to understanding.

I'm just in the process of changing all my passports, driving licence, banks etc now and honestly it's not that bad. I personally like to have the same family name and thing it sounds better (imo) when booking things and with schools etc but maybe that's just me, I'm not traditional in most way but this is something I am extremely traditional about. I love being a Mrs. I honestly think this not changing to married name stuff these days is way overthought. Just do what feels right for you.

OP I kept my own name initially after getting married. Then we decided to have a baby & we travel a lot though it might be better to all have the same surname so I changed my passport.

During this time I was a SAHM for about 5 years so the name thing was fine. But then I went back to work where I was known in my sector by my maiden name & people kept forgetting to use the married name.

It became annoying & a bit of a bother. So once my 10 year passport needed to be renewed I decided to change back to maiden name. To discover this was a MAJOR hassle if you're not divorced.

I have been officially my maiden name again about 5 years now & I am so glad I did it.

My mother still sends me post addressed to my married name 🙄

Dh was bemused by all the chopping & changing but ultimately didn't really care too much

OP could you deed poll and keep your maiden name as a middle name?

Your name, your choice.
If he won't consider changing his, why should you have to change yours just because of societies expectation?

I did change mine, but DHs is a lot cooler than my old one.

Titles... its ridiculous that womens titles reflect our marital status. Men just have Mr, we should just have Mrs or Ms fir all adult women, with miss/master for children

Cons
Not having the same name as your husband/ kids which will mean a lot of correcting schools, doctors, banks etc calling/ writing to you Mrs [kids surname] and potential questions when travelling

Advantages
No admin to sort
Not getting used to a new name
Not perpetuating a patriarchal custom which has its roots in women being considered property of men

I'm really attached to my birth name. I considered changing to my children's (differently double-barrelled) name, but I really dislike the idea of losing my identity. I also absolutely hate administrative tasks, so the long list of things I'd have to change really put me off.

If your DP is attached to his own name, can't he understand why you are too? You have children together: are you not already a team? Why would a name change that?

My ex was like this
With hindsight, it was a bit of a red flag.
I didn't change mine.
I am so glad I didn't.

Oh, and I changed mine because I was young and a romantic. If I was getting married now there's no way I would. I still use my maiden name for work.

Having the same name doesn't make you any more of a team or a family. I couldn't think of any advantage of changing my name and funnily enough, neither could my DH.

It's a huge red flag that he's reacting so strongly to this.