Changing name and title for marriage. pros and cons?

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When I was younger I wanted to change my name to my partners name but actually, now it comes down to it I think I want to keep my name. He is upset and wants to postpone the wedding so I can think about it.

All I can think though is I have to call my bank, my dbs is in my maiden name, my passport still has 8 years on it, my Dr's, my mortgage statement has my name all the other faff.
He won't be volunteering to make these calls for me.

I just signed a slip for the school this morning and writing my signature made me think about having to write a new name? After a lifetime of this name? What are the cons?

We are working class, excouncil house, labourers, you know, all the mums stay at home and all the dads are plasterers or carpenters or builders. I'd be the first out of my whole family and friends and even acquaintances to keep my own last name if I do it. I am feeling the pressure to be honest. (I feel these factors paint a picture of the type of circle I live in and the expectations on women in my community. Yes there are still places like this)

I mean despite having the same name as my children, I can't think of a single pro. Also I Don't want to change my title to Mrs or Ms, I want to be a miss (little miss grumpy about a potential name change) is that even allowed? Will I have to change my title as well? If so why?

I haven't had strong feelings either way and was just going to go along with changing my name and title but now it's coming closer I am backtracking. DP is seeing this as a sign of cold feet (hence asking to postpone until I'm sure). To be honest it's mostly the phonecalls and online forms putting me off.

It's not like we aren't committed, we have children and a house and have lived together for over a decade.
I asked if he would change his name to mine and he said no with a confused face, so you know. That made me want to keep my name even more.

Oh and I'm "Ms", and have been for years pre marriage. Because it's noones business my marital status.

I changed my name nearly 20 years ago when I got married. I still hate my new signature. It's my only regret...

Oh yes I agree, I just don't think it's all smugness and "look at me I've achieved marriage and must make sure everyone knows".

Your name, your choice. I’d be appalled by his attitude. I haven’t changed mine, I know very few woman who’ve taken their husbands surname directly. A mix of haven’t changed and some where they’ve both done double barrelled. I can’t be bothered with the admin, but also find the whole concept very outdated.

Keep your name. You know who you are and your name is a huge part of your identity. There's nothing sillier than women changing their names back and forth depending on whether they are currently married or not. It causes no confusion or issues for travelling with children or dealing with their schools. You know that. People just make up that it does to justify changing.

Definitely don't get sucked into the madness of one name for work and another one 'socially'. The ultimate nonsense. Two names!

I know hardly any women who changed their name on marriage, maybe one or two who got married very young.

If you don't like either of your surnames then make a new one that you both take on.

In Spain everyone has a double barrelled surname. One name taken from mum and one from dad.

I haven't changed my surname. I certainly wouldn't be allowing a man to threaten not to marry me if I didn't take on his name. Please, shut the door on your way out!

There’s a lot of misinformation around. A number of people told me that my name changed automatically upon marriage so I WAS Sarah Bloggs whether I liked it or not! And I would have to change it back to Sarah Ogunwole by deed poll. What a load of bollocks.

I’m generally not bothered what people call me, and I will answer to Mrs Bloggs. BUT it does really annoy me when family members who know perfectly well that my name is Ms Ogunwole insist on calling me Mrs Bloggs. Usually because they want to write a nice tidy “Mr&Mrs Bloggs” on a card or something. It’s the difference between someone calling me Mrs Bloggs by default because they assume that’s my name vs someone doing it on purpose because they don’t agree with my decision to not take DH’s name. The latter really gets my goat!

I kept my name. Never entertained changing it. My Dad died when I was 20 and I wanted to keep his name to honour him. DHs family are not nice people and I don't get along with them so wasn't giving up my Dad's name to basically take my FILS name. My DC have my DHs name, that doesn't bother me. My two DDs have talked about double barrelling their surname to take my name too. This is totally of their own back.

Throughout my friend and family group I'm the only who has kept their maiden name.

That's ridiculous. Having a different surname to your spouse doesn't make you any less a family unit. By that logic, there are no family units in Spain as women don't tend to change their name on marriage there.

I didn't change my name. I've always been a Ms so that didn't change either. Dh would have been absolutely astounded if I did change. The vast majority of our friends did not change their names either. We are all still family units.

The only issue I've had is the secondary school renamed me to Mrs DH for each of the dc, despite me telling them that wasn't my name. One of the secretaries in the office had a bit of a thing about it and chose to rename the mothers if they had different surnames to the fathers. It just meant I had to tell them correct it in each child's record. The primary school just took the name I used on the application form and used that.

I've never had any issues travelling, although I used to take a copy of the birth cert just in case. The dc go to the same doctor as me so she already knew my name.

I really do think I’m a generations time it will have fully reversed and more women won’t change their name.

I find it really sad when women don’t want to change their name but do it anyway due to pressure from both their husband and this idea of society. I know several women who said they didn’t want to change their name but in the end they did, who knows if they truly changed their mind or not.

The whole thing is bonkers really. About 99.999999% of men keep their name. Same it all! It’s a bullshit hangover from women being property.

Well… I’ve ‘changed mine’ in that I provided my new name to my new job and would use it to introduce myself and on deliveries and so forth.

But I also can’t really be bothered with the admin so my passport, doctors appointments etc remain the same.

I didn't change my name when I married 20 years ago.
I've never had an issue with having a different surname to my children with school, doctors, travelling etc. I mean a huge proportion of the kids at schools parents weren't married and had different surnames, and they seem to cope. I think when people raise that as a issue they are thinking back to a generation ago when unmarried parents were much less common

@restisall is that not a big pain with payroll etc? That would be my worry with using two names. Or that I would find it hard to prove I was the one I wanted to be for a particular thing.

The red flag is that you’re marrying a sexist who expects you to change your name. I haven’t changed mine and I’m happily married - why did you give your kids his name? You’re not sounding like much of a trailblazer to me like your last post

I don't think there are any pros or cons to changing your name, just either do or don't. I didn't want to originally as I was the last in my family with the name. However, it was very important to my husband that I did, and so we agreed that our next born would have my maiden name as their middle name.

I think the reason you gave of having to change it everywhere is just an excuse, it's not a big deal, and isn't difficult. You can keep your passport and just book any holidays in your maiden name until it needs renewing, so also not a problem.

I changed my name slowly after marriage - I had built up a professional career and bought a house in my maiden name so I was in no rush to change things on paper but I did go by Mrs (husbands surname) to friends and family.

You can use both names, it doesn't have to be all or nothing! I had just renewed my passport a couple of years before we got married so I waited about 4 years before I changed the name on it. I was married 6 years before I changed my name at work. Didn't change name on the mortgage til we moved house and took out a new joint mortgage.

Could you go double barrelled? Or make up a new surname for you and him? I know a couple who did that.

We are a team in the true sense that we share the financial, emotional, and house/childcare load. I have my name, he has his, children have both. Not having the same surname hasn’t made us any less of team.

We are a same sex couple so name changing doesn't have the underlying patriachy tones for us that it does for others

We still chose to have the same surname. We really wanted to be recognised easily as a unit. This is perhaps more important to us than for a married m/f couple where they are probably more likely to be read as a couple anyway. We wanted our kids to share both our names, rather than appear more attached to one (once again more of an issue for us than probably m/f)

We've lived a longtime under separate names and now I really wanted to book a table in a restaurant under the family name rather than trying to remember which one. I wanted to be the "smiths" as a family etc.

We tried our double barrelling but felt it was a bit of a mouthful. Our names double barrel well together but we found that we were often dropping one for ease (and it was mine because its hard to spell). We decided against it as it seemed pointless if we kept just going by our old ones!

We looked at creating a new surname that was a combination eg rodgers and cobin become Robin but our names don't merge well. A whole new surname based on something significant, however our families would have felt this a dig and we didn't really see a need to.

We then decided on which surname, we both had limited preference. We are both last of a line, I have a career where people are more likely to be tripped up by a last name change, and ultimately my dp felt like becoming Mrs (her name) felt like she was becoming her mum as her mum is called Mrs last name a lot..

Honestly if I was you I would want the same surname as my kids, and it seems easier to change yours than everyone else's.

I keep meaning to change my name but haven't got round to it 😂I like my husband's surname and it is as rare as mine but is nicer. Plus I want to split my association to my dad's side of the family who none of us (including him) talk to. I wouldn't say I'm fussed either way though. More the hassle of getting it changed has meant I've keep kicking the can down the street. If we had kicks I think I would like to share my surname with them.

It's 82.50 to change your passport online (think it's 90 odd to do it paper form) you have have a new one totally so it's the full cost. I personally don't mind the cost as I've only 3 years left on mine but as you have 8 years I think that would grate on me a bit. I'm not sure about travelling while passport is still maiden name in the meantime as I haven't had to. It sounds like you're half wanting to change it but definitely not 100% sure. Maybe just think of some of the situations where your name is used and will be in the future and give it some deep thought how you'd feel answering as 'Miss maiden name' and also 'Mrs new husbands name'

If you get divorced, you don't have to change it back unless you want to... I kept my 'posh' married name until I remarried and took this rather more mundane one recently 🤦🏼‍♀️
Reading some of the replies on here I'm
genuinely shocked how many people are very against changing their name following marriage. Each to their own and all that.

Tbh in your situation I'd be a bit pissed off if my husband to be wanted to postpone the wedding because I wouldn't change my name. What a douchbag

I know a number of people who kept their own names. Mostly for professional reasons. I changed mine so that we would all have the same surname. I wish i hadn't. I feel my surname is a bit blah...I loved my original one and now that my children have all left home I have been thinking about changing it back. My husband doesn't are, he didn't ask me to change it in the first place and my children don't care either!
I'm just not sure if I can now be bothered with the faff of changing everything back!

They gave the option for a legal name and a preferred name so all my employment checks etc were carried out with the former but my email address says the latter!

I’m 12 years married and kept my name. Never considered changing it. It’s my name and a part of my identity. Kids have dh name only (and I regret this). I’ve always used Ms before and after marriage. No cons, no problem with travelling with kids, no faff. Don’t care what other women do.

I wish one of the DC had taken my name because it goes better with their name. But that was a step too far 22 years ago.