To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

[Thulio]

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

If step mum needed surgery, yes. For step mum to go to a social event, no.

Are you familiar with the concept of the favour bank ?

When yohave school age children particularly if you work it is very important to stay in credit. This means making your life harder than it needs to be fairly regularly.

Op, I posted earlier too. I wanted to add, my ex (DP at the time) would have been just like your husband. He'd have not wanted to rock the boat with his ex (a far more feisty woman than me) and he'd expect us to suck it up. I ended up being steamrollered into things as a step parent, even when his kids were thrown out of their house, I was expected to take them in. At the time I had no real boundaries plus I was in fear of his temper but I know your situation is different. But I do think, have boundaries and stand by your decision.

I'd also be asking the question, why has your husband not got your back. Why is he emotionally steamrollering you here? I know its not as extreme as LTB but I'd be thinking hard why he thinks my decisions are so much more unreasonable than his.

Oops! I meant ex, not step mum.

OP just because your husband has children from a previous relationship does not make you the default babysitter. Stand your ground and stay firm

No I'm not stupid and don't think you're saying that's right. Just angry that such a person may exist who doesn't put her kids first and uses them as revenge.

It is very unlikely the stepmum is ever going to be doing favours for the OP

I was responding to funinthesun. But I wouldn't be so sure....

I believe in karma

For me this depends on what kind of husband you have - if he's the sort to pull his weight, do nice things for you etc, then I'd cover this time for him, to do something that makes his life less stressful (since ex likes to threaten withdrawal of access if she's not accommodated).
If your dh is home for the 3 days he normally has them, then you 'only' have them by yourself for 4.
If, otoh, you dh is not a helpful 'go out of his way for you' kind of partner, then I'd say no.

In my head it would be framed as doing a nice thing to make my partner happy, not doing his ex a favour.

But I also think you aren't wrong, in that your dh shouldn't be expecting you to do this or taking your time and effort for granted and if he is, then you are right to send the message that it's not on!

It unlikely OP will ever want to switch days? Is OP resigned to a life of no holidays (with or without kids)? You can’t imagine OP asking the older kids mum to have them for a week so she can go away with DH, either with her own two or leaving them with other relatives? Ok…

Presumably if they did, they would ask the ex, not the ex’s new partner, as is the case here.

THIS

Favours are rarely exactly symmetrical. Not saying OP should do it, just that doing it would be credit in the favour bank for her and DH as a unit.

‘Favour banks’ work within your support circle. Your family. Your friends.

The husband’s ex is not the OP’s friend or support circle. She’s not going to be picking the OP’s children up from nursery. I can’t imagine the OP would even want that.

Even if the husband asks for a change to his contact pattern to do something with his wife, that is not a favour for the OP. Not any more than his boss would be giving her annual leave when they approve his annual leave request.

The OP would need to find childcare for her own children to do something just with her children. No one would even consider asking his ex. So let’s stop pretending that it’s anything other than two parents scapegoating a woman who isn’t just being their childcare on demand.

Family doesn’t not mean pretending you’re a parent (except one that makes no decisions, just does the grunt work). You aren’t failing to treat your nephew as ‘family’ if you don’t look after him for a week so your sister can go on holiday. Your parents aren’t failing to treat your children as ‘family’ if they won’t offer free childcare every Friday to save you nursery fees money.

Similarly, the children won’t feel unloved or unwanted because their stepmum doesn’t prostrate herself and delight in being the unpaid nanny while their parents do things they’d rather do. They’d only know because their parents complained about it to them/within earshot. And that would be their parents caring more about their trips abroad than their children’s well-being.

And then there’s the weird comparisons to a situation where the children’s mother has died. That’s completely irrelevant. And quite offensive.

The OP is not an extension if her husband.

A favour to HIM is a favour to him. Regardless if it enables him to have child free time to spend with her.

No I can imagine DH doing that. And stepmum thinking nah... she doesn't sound like the sort to be doing favours if she's having a huff over OP not looking after her kids for her.

Yes and I responded.

If you believe in karma does that mean you think something will happen to the two lazy ass parents who are trying to offload their kids and getting in a strop because someone said no? Poor kids.

That assumes that ex respects the 'favour bank' idea. It's a tenuous, possible benefit.

But OP will benefit decisively - right now and in the future - from saying no to this unreasonable request and then sticking to her boundaries.

A clear boundary now will stop dead all such requests in the future.

DH owes you an apology. Demand it.

Surely if both parents tragically died, maternal or paternal family would be the appropriate people to step up.

Very true, I was just pointing out that people saying there would never be a situation where the mum did OP some kind of favour weren’t looking at the big picture. Maybe she never reciprocates, which changes the math. And obviously DH is the problem here.

OP wouldn’t be asking the older kids mum for anything.

Her husband has a contact arrangement. Sometimes HE might want to ask for changes to it (although it sound like he is scared to). It doesn’t matter why he wants to change the schedule. He is asking for the change.

SMs need to run their own ‘favour banks’ (which I agree with PP are never fully reciprocal) separate from anything to do with their husband’s first family situation. Often they end up with all the responsibility for their children because their husband is too focused on his contact arrangements. Indeed, somehow they end up being the one who does the work so that he can benefit from any ‘favour bank’ with his ex.

And somehow people want to pretend that this is somehow a benefit to her. she should be careful because if she doesn’t do her nanny duties then somehow these ‘favours’ to her might not be forthcoming.

Should we also applaud him is he ‘helps’ her by taking a basket of laundry upstairs or looking after his own child (‘babysitting’ 🙄)? Or are these not just his responsibility and in no way a favour to his wife?

Who said anything about an extension? I consider marriage a partnership, and what affects DH affects me too. This is a lesson OP’s DH could probably use. I was merely pointing out that people saying there would never be a situation where she might need something from the mum aren’t looking that far forward. Nothing about not setting boundaries, not saying it’s fair, not saying anything is her responsibility.

Is there a compromise? Can he/she buy in help for school runs, pre prepare dinners, arrange play dates etc.? So you "just" have to do breakfasts and bedtime?

I don't think you are morally obliged, and I would hate to be on my own with four kids 1-12 but I am thinking of the step kids in this scenario. It would be a kindness to them if all the adults in their lives helped out.

So you have a weak husband and his ex, who are both united in thinking you are the childrens au pair and ripe to be bullied.

Lovely.

He gangs up on you with her,.... just lovely.

At least you know where you stand.

Bottom of the heap.

Say No and mean it.

Have a think about the dynamics here.

You are the last to count.

They are both CF's,......but that he would even think this is a goer while he is a way, tells you everything.

Mind yourself OP, no one else is going to.

I don't have step children etc, so i'm answering from a point of view of not sharing children.
However, how i'd like to think that i would react is that i would agree to take them (if in general it's a good relationship with the mother) because 1) it'd be nice for her to have a holiday away 2) As a step parent i personally think that your DH's children become part of your whole family and 3) it means that you have a favour in the bag to use for the future when you'll likely need it.