Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

400 replies

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:25

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
Nearamir · 23/05/2023 07:10

YANBU to say no because you don’t want to look after them. However YABU to say no because it’s ‘too much’. It’s one week, you’d be doing someone a favour (not just the ex, but also your DH), they’re children and will be a school most of the time. I’m sure you’re capable.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/05/2023 07:13

Honestly I am so pleasantly surprised by most of these comments. I feel like, on the topic of step parenting at least, the tide is turning. A year ago the op would have been ripped apart if she had asked the same question on here. I think its because people are waking up to the fact that it's is yet another shit expectation placed on women. Look after these children, financially provide for these children, put these children in front of yourself and your own kids BUT don't you dare think you have a say on how they are raised in any way!
I see it in real life too, young women getting with men with children and laying down boundaries instead of being desperate to prove how amazing they are by taking on the lions share of his house and kids and having their lives dictated to by the ex wife/partner.
You still have the posters playing step mum bingo but they stand out as daft these days. It is great.

maddening · 23/05/2023 07:16

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:19

How would the ex having her own children be doing OP a favour? The only way it would be a favour is if the ex has OP’s children.

Show quote history

If the op and dh wanted the ex to have the older 2 on the dh's days so the op and dh could have a week away (with the 2 little ones or leaving the little ones with GPs for example) for example a term time holiday before the little ones go to school.

So really this is the dh asking the favour of the op imo

Nofireworksneeded · 23/05/2023 07:17

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:26

YANBU but your problem isn’t her asking, it’s him disagreeing with you.

Wanting to point you back to your very first reply, as it's spot on.

All the rest that other posters are bringing up about the ex, or the "week" or the perceived jealousy (I really don't think you are at all) is all smoke around this central issue you need to address.

Your partner should have your back.

He should change his plans if he wants to have his children for the extra days his ex is demanding. Or he needs to tell her to find other childcare.

It's not rocket science. Stick to your guns @Thulio and see how things end up.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 07:29

Cavend · 22/05/2023 23:22

Without judgement.
Someone upthread may have mentioned, but I wouldn't like to be in the kids' shoes, to know they won't be wanted, even for a few days.

By their parents I assume you mean? Maybe they shouldn’t both be planning to go away at the same time then.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 07:31

This is the kind of thing step dads are never asked to do.

Fraaahnces · 23/05/2023 07:32

I bet she’d change her plans if you insisted on her paying whatever the going hourly rates for childcare (including after hours) for the times when your DH isn’t there and she’s supposed to have them.

Tooclosetodanger · 23/05/2023 07:32

You’re not being unreasonable at all. She already gets 3 days a week “off duty”.

One of the women in my team got amicably divorced last year. She’s got 1 DC and shared custody. I’ve never known someone have so many mini breaks and holidays on her own/with friends. Totally jealous 😂

mainsfed · 23/05/2023 07:37

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:26

YANBU but your problem isn’t her asking, it’s him disagreeing with you.

The ex is also a problem, because she knows OP said no and is still moaning. The DH is the bigger twat though.

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 07:39

Neurodiversitydoctor · 23/05/2023 05:53

Are you familiar with the concept of the favour bank ?

When yohave school age children particularly if you work it is very important to stay in credit. This means making your life harder than it needs to be fairly regularly.

Show quote history

Yes I am familiar with it.

However, maybe the OP doesn’t need a favour from the ex. She might have her parents, a friend, a sister, her in laws etc… So she might have her own support network there for when she needs help. Therefore helping the ex would seem even more nonsensical.

Itsanotherhreatday · 23/05/2023 07:42

DH is also away which makes it extra tough but even if he wasn't, presumably he would be at work so many days per week??

Why would you presume this? If the father were to have them full time he would arrange childcare? After school clubs and make sure he’s able to get them there and back, be home for homework, shorten his hours to suit the children - OP May go back to work full time and DH become a SAHP?

Clearly you are hard of thinking?

marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 07:48

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 23/05/2023 07:10

I don't have step children etc, so i'm answering from a point of view of not sharing children.
However, how i'd like to think that i would react is that i would agree to take them (if in general it's a good relationship with the mother) because 1) it'd be nice for her to have a holiday away 2) As a step parent i personally think that your DH's children become part of your whole family and 3) it means that you have a favour in the bag to use for the future when you'll likely need it.

  1. it'd be nice for her to have a holiday away this is not OP's issue. It would be nice for OP to not be lumbered with 2 more kids!
taybert · 23/05/2023 07:50

Imagine a life in which the two parents were still together and this situation arose. Either mum can’t go, she goes but not for the whole week or Dad cancels/rearranges his work. If those things don’t happen then they need to find alternative childcare. Now, imagine you are those parents and you are considering the options for childcare. Would you actually ask the mother of two young children who would be on her own with them for most of the week? Or if you did ask and she said no because her husband was away would you think she was awful? Of course you wouldn’t, even if that person was a close relative and adored the children. It’s too much to ask.
YANBU OP and I’m cross on your behalf.

IncomingTraffic · 23/05/2023 07:50

Are people really imagining the OP asking her husband’s ex to look after her young children for a week?

Because, that’s rarely how stepfamilies work. Or even what many SMs even want (even as some sort of emergency last resort - not even just for a holiday).

The amazing benefit of spending the week as the childcare appliance for the SC’s parents is maybe, possibly in the future their mother might change a contact night so that he doesn’t have responsibility for his older children.

She’s supposed to be infinitely grateful for him, possibly, having a bit more flexibility.

It’s funny how the ‘we are a unit’ seems to only apply to things that affect the husband. The fact that his wife will be negatively affected by having to look after his 4 children for a week, and having to do school runs etc, seems not to matter. Surely what happens to her affects him?

Except no. He’s not going to be there. He’s just annoyed that he doesn’t get to use his wife’s labour to (maybe) but some goodwill for his ex.

As for the ‘she deserves a break’. 🤯 Dumping the children you have 3 days a week without responsibility for onto a woman who is responsible for her own children all the time because you ‘need a break’ suggests a level of self-centred mess even narcissists might marvel at.

QueenCamilla · 23/05/2023 07:51

It's shit parenting by all of you. Such petty, bitter bunch.

Don't choose a partner to breed with further if his current offspring is already "too much".
I actually agree that it's too much. But can't stick them back in, can you?

marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 07:52

QueenCamilla · 23/05/2023 07:51

It's shit parenting by all of you. Such petty, bitter bunch.

Don't choose a partner to breed with further if his current offspring is already "too much".
I actually agree that it's too much. But can't stick them back in, can you?

It's not shit parenting by OP as she is not the parent. The two of them yes I agree. Trying to fight over who doesn't have their children is shocking.

Dryfield · 23/05/2023 07:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2023 20:51

It does rather sound like they both think their fun is more important than your labour.

Fine for her to think that. Not so much him.

I would do it because DH wouldn't ask unless he really really needed to go away and I would also get it repaid in spades because he supports me in many ways. Is that what it is like for your or not? I suspect not.

Same here.

Dryfield · 23/05/2023 07:55

I voted YNABU by the way

bluebeck · 23/05/2023 07:56

SC mother wants to go away. It’s therefore her responsibility to arrange childcare.

OP is not some kind of default carer, and in her shoes I would be having sharp words with DH.

mainsfed · 23/05/2023 07:58

Neurodiversitydoctor · 23/05/2023 05:53

Are you familiar with the concept of the favour bank ?

When yohave school age children particularly if you work it is very important to stay in credit. This means making your life harder than it needs to be fairly regularly.

Show quote history

Do you really think the ex would do OP a favour?

Itsanotherhreatday · 23/05/2023 07:58

Don't choose a partner to breed with further if his current offspring is already "too much”

So the DH in this scenario chose to have additional children when his first two are too much for him to manage? Isn’t putting his self out here is he?
Also maybe he should’ve married a doormat to take care of his responsibilities? Bet he’s kicking himself now - hopefully the next wife will be more subservient.

StormShadow · 23/05/2023 08:06

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:26

YANBU but your problem isn’t her asking, it’s him disagreeing with you.

Yeah, this.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 08:26

QueenCamilla · 23/05/2023 07:51

It's shit parenting by all of you. Such petty, bitter bunch.

Don't choose a partner to breed with further if his current offspring is already "too much".
I actually agree that it's too much. But can't stick them back in, can you?

Right, so where’s the man’s responsibility in not breeding further when his 2 children are already too much for him? Where’s the responsibility for the parents not to have had kids in the first place if they wanted to swan off on holidays at a moments notice?

TeenLifeMum · 23/05/2023 08:29

@Olive19741205 yes, that’s why I said it’s an issue with her dh. Her comments about the mum wanting to go for the whole week annoyed me but she’s clarified that now.

SapphOhNo · 23/05/2023 08:33

This isn't your battle OP. Your husband should say clearly to the ex that her holiday can't be accommodated by you. If she refuses your DH seeing his kids - you go to caught. Stop taking on the emotional and physical labour of your husband.