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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

400 replies

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:25

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hopelesscynic · 22/05/2023 23:42

TomatoSandwiches · 22/05/2023 23:24

I know, how horrible to know neither your mother nor father, the people with parental responsibility are willing to change plans so you are looked after.

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🤣🤣🤣 Spot on @TomatoSandwiches

SW2002 · 22/05/2023 23:47

I would say it totally and utterly depends on how helpful the ex has been in the past when you've asked for favours like swapping days, childcare for holidays etc.

If you're on good terms then I don't see why you'd rock the boat. Get your head down and get on with it, but maybe make them aware that it's a hassle and you're doing them a favour.
Make sure you mention, 'oh I had plans but don't worry I'll see my friends the next week and I'll finish work a bit early that day to pick them up' (or similar). Just make sure they know it's a bit of a pain but you're happy to do it. Gives you more leverage when you want something back.

If they aren't overly helpful to you and generally stick to the letter of the custody arrangements even though a bit of flexibility on their part could help you out now and then, then fuck 'em. Tell them to jog on and you'll be sticking to the letter of the custody arrangements.

Hopelesscynic · 22/05/2023 23:48

@Cavend It's not about OP "not wanting" his kids, it's not practical and too difficult with 2 very young children who I'm sure keep her plenty busy. Having 4 children for a whole week can be overwhelming for a lot of people. With step children there may be further dynamics, such as dealing with bad behaviours and how they respond to being challenged by a step parent (who they often dont treat with the same respect as their parent). It's not always as easy as you think.
The ex is a massive CF, assuming that OP should just have the kids, just because she happens to be home. Getting stroppy over it is another level of CF-ery. And don't get me started on the husband!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 22/05/2023 23:51

Good for you @Thulio It makes a nice change seeing a stepmum who has boundaries and isn't willing to be used like a work horse for the benefit of her husband and his ex wife. The majority of the comments are refreshing too! You are absolutely in the right and I would be having a stern word with your DH. Not on at all.

TheOriginalEmu · 22/05/2023 23:53

If you don’t want to then you don’t. But If I’d married someone who saw my kids as just as something to be ‘managed’ when I’m not around I’d feel pretty sad and shit about it.

Itsanotherhreatday · 23/05/2023 00:04

I would say it totally and utterly depends on how helpful the ex has been in the past when you've asked for favours like swapping days, childcare for holidays etc.

What favours do you think OP has asked DH EXP?

Olive19741205 · 23/05/2023 00:17

TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 23:07

Surely it depends where her friends are going? I’m not saying you should look after dc, totally your choice, but I’ve no idea why you’re so outraged she wants to go away for a week… I went to lanzarote with friends for a week and we all left dc with their fathers. 2 of us are with the dads but for two it was their ex husbands who they had to negotiate childcare with. This seems totally reasonable as an ask so you do come across weirdly annoyed about her wanting to go for a week - the same length of time as her friends. Surely she’s allowed to feel disappointed at not being there the whole week? Your dh’s expectation you’ll do childcare is probably why she’s annoyed at you if he left her to believe you would. You have a dh problem (her opinion of you doesn’t matter anyway).

So a completely different scenario to OP then? You and your friends all left the children with their fathers...not their stepmothers?

Olive19741205 · 23/05/2023 00:21

Cavend · 22/05/2023 23:22

Without judgement.
Someone upthread may have mentioned, but I wouldn't like to be in the kids' shoes, to know they won't be wanted, even for a few days.

Yes by both their parents, quite sad isn't it that the parents can't organise their own children.

DogAndCatMama · 23/05/2023 00:29

No, their dad isn’t available. It’s not your job, they have 2 parents.

Deathbyfluffy · 23/05/2023 00:34

TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 21:05

Your dh is being unreasonable. The dc mum is totally fine to ask their dad to help out so she can go away.

She’s fine to ask, but if he says no then she can’t kick off - part of having kids is if you can’t get childcare, you don’t go away.

If he can’t have them then it’s tough titties.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 23/05/2023 00:50

4 young children too much to manage and so stressful. He should have re-arranged his plans if she had given him lots of notice of the dates she was going away. But am betting it is you that picks up most of the looking after the children also. Why can't she ask another family member. Up to your husband to sort it out and he should not be thinking you will do it if he is not even there to help out. Very selfish on his behalf as not him doing it all. I can see why she wants the whole week away but should be more organized if knew she was going away and also your husband to change his schedule and not just expect you to mind all 4 children.

JandalsAlways · 23/05/2023 00:52

Takenoprisoner · 22/05/2023 20:28

Why on earth does your dh think you're being unreasonable? I'd seriously get annoyed with him for that, the entitlement of both of them is staggering.

This. Normally I'd say suck it up, but their attitude and lack of planning and communication is not on

DeeCeeCherry · 23/05/2023 01:04

The DCs have 2 parents, between them they can sort something out surely. If either of them can't forego a holiday, thats their problem not yours. Lots of people out there who don't have anywhere to leave their kids for a week whilst they swan off on holiday. Perils of being a parent sometimes but seems like the 2 of them are actively choosing not to understand this.

I couldn't be bothered with all that I'd just say I've already said no, leave me out of, it you 2 sort it out.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/05/2023 01:09

Cavend · 22/05/2023 23:22

Without judgement.
Someone upthread may have mentioned, but I wouldn't like to be in the kids' shoes, to know they won't be wanted, even for a few days.

Exactly, their DM wants to offload them for a week, and their DF won’t change any plans to have them either.

As usual, that’s the evil SM’s issue to resolve

SchoolTripDrama · 23/05/2023 01:49

I really hate to have to say this, but in the kindest way possible - did you not think about these kind of scenarios such as your DH ending up with his children, (temporarily or permanently) before you had your children with him?

I'm not talking about his ex's holiday particularly, more so the comment you made about being unable to cope with them all. You married someone with kids!
Obviously this is real life, unforeseen things happen.
If I met somebody with kids, before agreeing to marry them & deciding to have kids with them, I would have to ask myself IF (god forbid) something happened to his ex (or she just needed a week or two alone) or her situation changed, could I cope with having them, plus mine in the house all at once?! Surely you must've expected this at some point or other? I get your DH is also away which makes it extra tough but even if he wasn't, presumably he would be at work so many days per week??

It just annoys me when people happily have multiple kids when they or their spouse already has multiple kids and then they say they can’t cope with them all as though it's something they'd never considered 🤷🏼‍♀️

SchoolTripDrama · 23/05/2023 01:56

DogAndCatMama · 23/05/2023 00:29

No, their dad isn’t available. It’s not your job, they have 2 parents.

OP is these DC's stepmother! Of course they're not dependent on her and she doesn't have a responsibility to them but she is their Stepmother and should therefore (in my PERSONAL opinion) be there for them.

That's what a Stepparent used to mean, anyway. Though judging by what I've read on MN these past few years, of Stepmothers totally ignoring their StepDC and having nothing to do with them, it has seemingly changed meaning these days!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/05/2023 02:19

SchoolTripDrama · 23/05/2023 01:56

OP is these DC's stepmother! Of course they're not dependent on her and she doesn't have a responsibility to them but she is their Stepmother and should therefore (in my PERSONAL opinion) be there for them.

That's what a Stepparent used to mean, anyway. Though judging by what I've read on MN these past few years, of Stepmothers totally ignoring their StepDC and having nothing to do with them, it has seemingly changed meaning these days!

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‘Step-parent’ means you are married to someone who already had children. That’s it.

Anything else is what people choose to do, based on their own circumstances, relationships, behaviour of DC etc. If it would be your PERSONAL choice to have them all; great.

That’s not your choice to make for anyone else.

Obels · 23/05/2023 02:26

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:19

How would the ex having her own children be doing OP a favour? The only way it would be a favour is if the ex has OP’s children.

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I don't quite see it like that.

If OP and her husband had the opportunity to do something together and managed to get childcare for their bio children with say other family members such as their grandparents, but needed someone to have her SC/his DC as it's dad's days with them, then it technically is doing OP a favour as well if his ex has them... Because then she gets to go and do whatever it is with her husband, her and her husband would both benefit from ex having the children so I see it as doing them both a favour.

SparklyBlackKitten · 23/05/2023 04:44

What I would be worried about is why my HUSBAND is siding with his EX
Anr prioritises her feelings and needs over yours

Now THAT is your issue

This marriage is not a strong one by the sounds of it.

BakedTattie · 23/05/2023 04:51

Not your problem. It’s between the children’s parents to sort it out. Don’t let the blame be put on you.

Equalitea · 23/05/2023 05:04

The only person who is being unreasonable here is your DH.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 23/05/2023 05:04

TheOriginalEmu · 22/05/2023 23:53

If you don’t want to then you don’t. But If I’d married someone who saw my kids as just as something to be ‘managed’ when I’m not around I’d feel pretty sad and shit about it.

Which wife are you referring to?
Because that applies more to Wife number 1 than Wife number 2.
Wife number 1 wants to go on holiday rather than to care for her own children on her chosen contact days.
Wife number 2 is caring for her own children while her husband is away on a business trip.

Equalitea · 23/05/2023 05:07

SchoolTripDrama · 23/05/2023 01:56

OP is these DC's stepmother! Of course they're not dependent on her and she doesn't have a responsibility to them but she is their Stepmother and should therefore (in my PERSONAL opinion) be there for them.

That's what a Stepparent used to mean, anyway. Though judging by what I've read on MN these past few years, of Stepmothers totally ignoring their StepDC and having nothing to do with them, it has seemingly changed meaning these days!

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Yes. Be there for the children.

Not be there for the convenience of their mum.

If she wants a holiday without the children, fair enough but she needs to organise it for when childcare is available/convenient- like everyone else with children.

Or should everyone just dance to her tune irrespective of work/life/other commitments?

Having the children is for the mums benefit. Anything outside the existing maintenance agreements is at the agreement of all parties involved - it’s not a dictatorship.

ThatOnePlease · 23/05/2023 05:26

Cavend · 22/05/2023 23:22

Without judgement.
Someone upthread may have mentioned, but I wouldn't like to be in the kids' shoes, to know they won't be wanted, even for a few days.

Why should the dc know? Unless Mum or Dad are telling them and using them as an emotional weapon, which is a nasty thing to do. I would never have discussed childcare arrangements in front of dc, until they were finalised.

If the dc feel unwanted, that will be down to Mum and Dad, not the OP.

whenitsover · 23/05/2023 05:42

underneaththeash · 22/05/2023 20:31

Then she doesn't go.

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This - clear & Simple

hold your ground

don’t be a doormat and let them guilt you

they are trying their luck and being unreasonable

you are not in the wrong here - both of them should have checked before confirming their plans. They want you to deal with the aftermath because they don’t want to loose out the selfish fu@@ks.