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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

400 replies

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:25

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 22/05/2023 23:06

If I was in this situation, I would take the children. But I'm not and you have said you don't want to so I think your DH is at fault for trying to make you feel bad for not doing it and to keep at you about it.

YABU to have posted this thread when you disagree with everyone who says you should take them. Your mind is clearly made up.

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 23:06

I don't know why it needs to be the full week, she could just go for 3 days whilst DH is here to have them like normal then come back

OP, is there any chance she'd agree to the 3 days and then just not come back until the week's over?

TomatoSandwiches · 22/05/2023 23:07

Confusion101 · 22/05/2023 23:06

If I was in this situation, I would take the children. But I'm not and you have said you don't want to so I think your DH is at fault for trying to make you feel bad for not doing it and to keep at you about it.

YABU to have posted this thread when you disagree with everyone who says you should take them. Your mind is clearly made up.

There's plenty of people saying she's not unreasonable.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 23:07

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 23:06

I don't know why it needs to be the full week, she could just go for 3 days whilst DH is here to have them like normal then come back

OP, is there any chance she'd agree to the 3 days and then just not come back until the week's over?

I wouldn’t trust her to come back after 3 days. I think she would think fuck it I’m staying all week.

TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 23:07

Surely it depends where her friends are going? I’m not saying you should look after dc, totally your choice, but I’ve no idea why you’re so outraged she wants to go away for a week… I went to lanzarote with friends for a week and we all left dc with their fathers. 2 of us are with the dads but for two it was their ex husbands who they had to negotiate childcare with. This seems totally reasonable as an ask so you do come across weirdly annoyed about her wanting to go for a week - the same length of time as her friends. Surely she’s allowed to feel disappointed at not being there the whole week? Your dh’s expectation you’ll do childcare is probably why she’s annoyed at you if he left her to believe you would. You have a dh problem (her opinion of you doesn’t matter anyway).

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 23:07

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:46

Just have them. You're treating them not like family and thats prob what's bothering them most...gonna cause bigger problems with your husband...
Capable of helping but refusing to

Their own parents won't have them. What do you have to say about that?

Itsanotherhreatday · 22/05/2023 23:09

YABU to have posted this thread when you disagree with everyone who says you should take them. Your mind is clearly made up

Ofcoarse it’s made up - OP isn’t asking if she should have them, she’s said no, she’s asking if the parents are unreasonable for being upset with her for saying no!

Please read.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 22/05/2023 23:10

These threads come up for step parents and you can always guarantee that there will be some posters adamant that the OP should look after the step children even if she is quite literally at deaths door.

But when it's suggested that the ex could return the favour and look after the OPs children it's met with outrage, because that apparently would be expecting far too much.

Step mum's are also frequently expected to include all children in holidays, even when their own children are not school age so could go on a trip within school time, because to do otherwise would be totally cruel to the other children. The other children who happily go on other holidays with their own mum as well as with their mum and step dad.

And there are lots of other things step mum's are apparently supposed to do to appease the first mum on MN because she is sacred and step mum's knew what they were signing themselves up for, even if its at a detriment to her kids because apparently only the step kids feelings matter.

Do what you think is best OP for you and your children. Because your step children have two parents actively looking out for them, but sometimes you may find yourself to be the only person looking out for your kids and yourself.

PolkaDotMankini · 22/05/2023 23:13

YANBU. Not your circus, not your monkeys. I'd be deeply unimpressed with my DH if he thought that he could pressure me so he could be a doormat for an ex.

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 23:13

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:47

She deserves a break too and imagine saying why doesn't she just go for a few days sure by the time she gets there it would be near time to come back
You sound jealous BTW

😂She really doesn't. You on the other hand sound like an utter mug if you'd roll over and take orders from your DHs ex...or you're one of those people who dump their kids with whoever you can get to take them without a thought for anyone else. Haha, jealous. Such an immature comment.

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 23:16

TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 23:07

Surely it depends where her friends are going? I’m not saying you should look after dc, totally your choice, but I’ve no idea why you’re so outraged she wants to go away for a week… I went to lanzarote with friends for a week and we all left dc with their fathers. 2 of us are with the dads but for two it was their ex husbands who they had to negotiate childcare with. This seems totally reasonable as an ask so you do come across weirdly annoyed about her wanting to go for a week - the same length of time as her friends. Surely she’s allowed to feel disappointed at not being there the whole week? Your dh’s expectation you’ll do childcare is probably why she’s annoyed at you if he left her to believe you would. You have a dh problem (her opinion of you doesn’t matter anyway).

I'm not at all annoyed at her wanting to go away for a week, I understand why she wants to. My point was she can't if there is no one to provide childcare, you can't just expect it from someone because you want a week instead of the usual time you're childfree for and then get annoyed when they can't/say no. My point was she can still go, she has 3 days that the DC will be here for. But yes obviously if she can't find childcare she can't go for a full week, just like any other parent who can't get childcare to do something they want to do. I don't think she's unreasonable for wanting to go, I think she's unreasonable for expecting me to sort it out so that she can.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 22/05/2023 23:18

TomatoSandwiches · 22/05/2023 23:07

There's plenty of people saying she's not unreasonable.

Show quote history

I know that, I have read the comments, that wasn't my point. Just hate these AIBU "well yes I think you are" "OK but here's why I'm not" threads. Why bother!

FWIW I don't think the OP is being unreasonable for not doing it, (even though I would do it in the same situation). There is no wrong in the ex asking, or in OPs decision imo. Her DH is the one in the wrong, as others have said!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/05/2023 23:21

napody · 22/05/2023 20:44

First reply had it.

Show quote history

I agree!

raincamepouringdown · 22/05/2023 23:21

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:47

She deserves a break too and imagine saying why doesn't she just go for a few days sure by the time she gets there it would be near time to come back
You sound jealous BTW

No, OP doesn't sound jealous at all. OP is busy wrangling 2 toddlers essentially, and she doesn't want to add 2 older children to the mix when she doesn't have to. And she doesn't have to. They're not her children and they're not her household's days to have them.

If her husband truly thinks he should cover his ex's extended holiday, then he needs to stay home and sort it if OP doesn't want to do it for him, end of.

Cavend · 22/05/2023 23:22

Without judgement.
Someone upthread may have mentioned, but I wouldn't like to be in the kids' shoes, to know they won't be wanted, even for a few days.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 23:22

Thulio · 22/05/2023 23:16

I'm not at all annoyed at her wanting to go away for a week, I understand why she wants to. My point was she can't if there is no one to provide childcare, you can't just expect it from someone because you want a week instead of the usual time you're childfree for and then get annoyed when they can't/say no. My point was she can still go, she has 3 days that the DC will be here for. But yes obviously if she can't find childcare she can't go for a full week, just like any other parent who can't get childcare to do something they want to do. I don't think she's unreasonable for wanting to go, I think she's unreasonable for expecting me to sort it out so that she can.

Show quote history

She thinks you’re an extension of her children’s father. You’re not.

Gothambutnotahamster · 22/05/2023 23:23

YANBU at all Op - they're not your responsibility & have a mum and dad to look after them.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/05/2023 23:24

Cavend · 22/05/2023 23:22

Without judgement.
Someone upthread may have mentioned, but I wouldn't like to be in the kids' shoes, to know they won't be wanted, even for a few days.

I know, how horrible to know neither your mother nor father, the people with parental responsibility are willing to change plans so you are looked after.

JenniferBooth · 22/05/2023 23:24

To those saying that she needs to treat them like family When cases go to family court how much say does the stepmum get in the "they are family" scenario

BananaBlue · 22/05/2023 23:24

I’m surprised that so much focus is on the ex, she can ask and has to accept the answer is no (I’m not a SM but I’d be saying no too x4 kids solo is a lot).

HOWEVER

I would be so hurt at my DH for not supporting me, what sort of a relationship is that?
Surely he should respect my decision esp as it’s such a big favour?

I find that a lot of these step problems are really about poor relationships - even if the kids didn’t exist it wouldn’t be harmonious, the DSC just highlight how (usually DH) feels about his partner.

(I also see many examples of great step families here - usually where the partners have deep love, respect and care for each other and the unit).

TomatoSandwiches · 22/05/2023 23:25

@Confusion101 well I completely agree with you there, DH is treating his current wife like an unpaid nanny service.

KateofGhent · 22/05/2023 23:26

The older kids could help with the little ones? Just a thought, while OP would otherwise be on her own.

JenniferBooth · 22/05/2023 23:28

@Itsanotherhreatday Im an aunt but im also childfree by choice. Aunts and Uncles get NO SAY in whether their siblings pro create or not.

But perhaps we should if we are also expected to provide child care no? And lets face it the child care would be expected of an aunt not an uncle.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2023 23:32

This isn't your problem. Stick to your guns. The school runs will be on you with 2 little ones.

No is a complete sentence and he needs to respect it.

She needs to cut her trip short or make alternative arrangements.

JenniferBooth · 22/05/2023 23:36

In response to the comments "you knew he had children when you got with him" bio mum must have known that having kids would change her life forever If she didnt shes not very bright

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