An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

[Violet143]

So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

If you return to the booze after being sober then you were never really sober in the first place. Alcoholism is a nasty disease. It’s not helpful to people struggle with it to start blaming them if they relapse when their self worth is already so low. They need support.

No one wants to be an addict. That doesn’t change the fact their recovery is in their hands and if they want to change, is their responsibility. It’s not as simple as willpower though.

Alcoholism isn't a disease, but we do know that it's effected by trauma, and that developmental trauma changes your brains development.

So I'm a bit on the fence about this. You have every right to be upset and see it as a choice. But for some people the choice to be sober is much harder than others.

No major trauma in her life

You can’t know this. No one and I mean noone knows about my being abused as a child. Or my suicide attempts. I didn’t know that my mother was abused by her own father her whole childhood until after she died and her sisters told me. It explains a lot and I wish I’d known, and been kinder to her. It seems so clear now that I’m a bit older and have a little more knowledge that she was just a very damaged, broken child inside.

However yanbu to feel how you feel and I hope your surgery goes well x

why does everyone keep insisting the mother must have had trauma? The OP who knows her says she doesn’t. Not everyone who drinks addictively does, although a lot do. I didn’t have any trauma I started drinking socially and became addicted because alcohol is an addictive substance. Stop making excuses for the mother or making out you know her better than her own child does!

100% not a disease. Your mum made a conscious choice to drink again knowing everything she's been through and put you and your family through. For your own mental health I would say going no contact is the best approach for you now. Take care xxx

Because the OP has not lived her mother's childhood and addiction doesn't develop by accident. Many factors come together and each person reacts individually. Some become addicted, others depressed, bipolar or whatever, but really people with a great childhood don't become addicts. Because they don't need to.

Personally, I know how difficult it is to unpack the past and many people just have no idea that their struggles stem from childhood experiences. It takes years of therapy which is not easily accessible and the older generation has lived with much less awareness around abuse and mental health issues than the young ones today.

No one's insisting that she did as far as I can see.

Of course you are sober if you haven't touched alcohol in 9 months.

They get an abundance of support in my experience, with their families tying themselves in knots and bending over backwards to provide such support. They then have the support of their GP's, secondary care in some cases when they end up with liver damage, the addiction services they don't bother to engage with who still try to check in with them long after they've dropped off the radar for the umpteenth time.

I'm so sick of hearing about the lack of support because it just isn't true. It's gas lighting.

The vast majority of alcoholics have past trauma. Your situation is extremely rare. To drink so much you become physically addicted almost ALWAYS has a reason behind it - social anxiety, shyness, ptsd etc. People who just like wine don't normally end up being true alcoholics.

Agreed. And I also do not subscribe to the idea that it is a disease.

Anyone who disagrees, clearly hasn't lived with an alcoholic.

Someone here described it well. Addiction is thinking about using the substance every minute of the day. You are able to resist many times, choose not to drink, during the day but crack in the evening for example. I believe you cannot beat this simply with willpower and the sooner the relatives accept it the better for them. Usually there is some shift within a person, they gained a new perspective, maybe are able to substitute the behaviour, but simply trying to resist 24/7 for every minute of the day will not work.

But the reason they don't engage is because alcohol has a huge hold over them and drinking becomes more important than anything else. It's an addiction.

Al Anon can be really helpful OP. I'm sure someone will have already mentioned that.

I’ve been in a similar position. My mum is now dead and missed out on watching her only grandchild grow up. She quit too late, or cut back too late as she never really quit.

I can’t imagine ever choosing alcohol over my child. He’s the absolute world to me. Life can be challenging sometimes as he is autistic, but there’s no way on earth I’d ever put a drink over him. Not any day and not any minute. I’ll never understand someone who could. Every day. In fact I won’t drink alcohol at all now and never have - it’s poison in the wrong hands.

stay NC, it’s easier.

An addiction yes, not a disease.

As PP linked above its only AA that refers to it in that way now. It's now referred to as alcohol use disorder (AUD)

It should have never been named a disease in the first place because it implies a total lack of personal responsibility.

Na it doesn't imply that violet. There are lots of diseases that people develop due to their lifestyle.

My DS is autistic too, you're right it can be challenging. He's a large part of the reason I have to revert back to NC as her dipping in and out of his life will destabilise him. He loves her to pieces and gets so upset when she doesn't turn up to see him as she promised.

Like you - I don't drink alcohol at all. I steer well away from it. I don't see the appeal at all after seeing what mum has done to herself. I could never cause my DC the pain she has me and my brother.

I'm very sorry for your loss and everything you had to go through ❤

@GracePalmer33 I know - that's what I said some - my experiences were just that, and I've known people who act that way, and sadly it really put me off!! It's a shame there isn't a screening process to weed out the smug ones!!

Those people who do develop a disease due to their lifestyle are told in no uncertain terms that they have a personal responsibility to make changes and are expected to manage their condition.

A PP raised a good question up thread about comfort eating / binge eating. Nobody seems to have much sympathy for the morbidly obese who become immobile due to excessive eating.

Alcoholics are given a free pass to do what they like by so many as "it's a disease" and that suits them very well.

Haha if only there was one of those for life in general?

That's good, glad you don't tar the whole of AA with the same brush and I wasn't meaning to imply you did, I just wanted to make it clear for anyone reading this post that AA isn't like that. There may be people on here with an alcohol problem who need help and considering reaching out for it and reading comments like that could put them off ever going to an AA meeting when it's not representative of AA at all ☺️ well done on your sobriety!!

Lots of diseases are caused by lifestyle so I don't mind it being seen as a disease. It helps my alcoholc sibling to think of themselves having a disease that they have to constantly medicate - ie not drink

Of course you are being unreasonable. Addiction is a disease. Demonising an addict is not helpful.
But I really feel for you. YANBU to be disappointed and hurt because of the effect this has on you and your family. Hate the disease rather than your mother. I’m sure she loves you and would rather not be this way.

You have my sympathies, OP. It sounds a very challenging situation.

@Violet143 who on earth is out there giving all these alcoholics free passes? The medical community and society as a whole is not understanding, forgiving or non-judgemental about alcoholics. Alcoholics who end up in hospital are told under no uncertain terms that unless they stop drinking they will die- just like people with other "lifestyle" diseases are told if they don't make changes they will die. Ie people who have copd and smoke, diabetics who don't change diet etc. Alcoholics who can't stop drinking are eventually refused medical treatment.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of a free pass and alcoholics not being forced to take responsibility? No one is going round being all kind to active alcoholics and saying their behaviour is wonderful and not their fault- it just doesn't happen!!

You are going to make yourself sick with this.. other people have suggested going to Al Anon and I also recommend it. Being angry, bitter, resentful is not a good or healthy way of life. You justify your anger in the same way as you say your mum justifies her drinking- accepting no personal responsibility. You are responsible for yourself. Stop fixating on your mums "free pass" and do some work on yourself to learn how to detach from her. You're likely very codependent , as many children of alcoholics are (I am also one of them, as well as being an alcoholic myself) and there is help available for that.