An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

[Violet143]

So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

This is very good advice.

To my mind, it has features of a disease, in that it is so bloody prevalent in human culture. I hope that makes sense; alcohol and alcoholism are embedded in our society so deeply that it is a sort of cultural disease. Many people lie to themselves about their own consumption. 'Heavy social drinker' is just a polite term for 'Middle class alcoholic.'

The tax is just too attractive for the government to make serious curbs on it.

Your Mum made her choice (and I'm so sorry she chose alcohol). You have a big battle on your own hands for your own health. If I were you, I'd think she'd done me a favour. You can only have people around now who are going to be able to support you thoroughly and completely. If she isn't going to do that then it is better that you are not in contact. My very best to you.

I'm not sure i agree with it not being a disease, either way addiction is a terrible thing . I'm not buying she does it out of boredom either

Ds2 supported his dad in becoming sober last year, took him to doctors, appointments with cpn, helped get him into rehab etc. He's a year now without drinking but it's always a worry that he'll start again. His brain is irreparable damaged as well from all the years of drinking, and it's not something ds should have had to deal with at 19 years old even though he had support from his dad's and me and my family .

You need to protect yourself and your family though, unfortunately you can't make her stay sober, she has to do that for herself. I'm really sorry, it's absolutely shit 😔

So sorry. You’re right, every dangerous behaviour is a choice.

Nonsense. Take enough of an addictive substance for any reason and it’s likely you’ll become addicted. And there are lots of women like me. Sucked into “mummy needs wine”/“ladette” culture. No terrible childhood, abuse, other trauma. Yes some people (a lot) take it to numb out or as a coping mechanism but even if they do it’s still their responsibility to manage their addiction, not just excuse it as being a disease and something they can’t help.

Obesity is quite different in the sense that the obese are shamed as lazy - too lazy to make better choices, exercise etc. and just want to stuff their faces 24-7.

But there are many illnesses that are lifstyle caused and receive no shame. What about all the smokers? They don't receive shame - same the alcoholics, although I could imagine that the latter feel more shame than smokers.

OP, you have a lot of pain. My advice would be to use therapy to grief the mother you deserved and never had. You sound very hurt and bitter, rightfully so, but it is going to eat you up if you don't deal with it. Could I also gently point out that this can rub off onto your children - they will sense all this no matter how much you think you are keeping away from them. Perhaps also reflect on why you went back into a relationship with your mother. It could be 'little you' is still hoping she'll change and craves this love. It isn't just her doing that you went back, you know? You have responsibility (and control) yourself here. You have to get to a point where you say 'goodbye to your mother' - it doesn't neccessarily mean NC - but you need to detach. Get rid of the impulse to help her and seek her love. Many abused need to go through this step - this is not unique to children of addicted parents.

And OP’s mum wasn’t physically addicted any more either, assuming she ever was, as she’d been sober for 9 months. Withdrawal from alcohol doesn’t last that long. Her problem was she’d done nothing to address the psychological dependence.

I've been sober (and happy and all the things I'm not supposed to be outside of AA) for 12 years. I know it's an illness of sorts, but I have never 'worked a programme' outside of working with myself to stay dry.

I know that first drink will ruin me, so I don't have it. There are multiple ways to stay sober and live a good and meaningful like without programmes.

This. Everyone chooses their path to sobriety. AA or other programmes are not the only way. But alcoholism is a 'disease' meaning it can be treated, it is not a 'disease' like lupus or type 1 diabetes over which the sufferer has no control. There is always choice. I have children, I didn't stop drinking for them- I stopped for me. When I could not live with the anxiety, guilt and pain of drinking every day. I was a fully functional alcoholic, working etc. stopping 'for someone else' doesn't work, you have to do it for yourself - because when it gets tough (and it does get tough) it's only your own conviction that will hold you sober.
You mother does not want to stop drinking. Simple. And all that neuroscience about neural pathways and dopamine - it's all true - but you can change it, lay down new pathways, get your dopamine hit in other ways. It takes time, 9 months is not long into sobriety, I would say the first 5 years is 'early' .. but it is possible to live differently and make different choices. I never ever thought the day would come when I would not want to drink, and it took a long time, but now .. I do not want to drink ... that is ongoing recovery.

Also - social anxiety and shyness are not “trauma” ffs

Absolutely a choice. I had an alcoholic father and trust me, alcohol is the first thing I crave when things are bad but I chose not to and indeed rarely drink at all. I chose not to,

I see addiction as a mental illness and that can cover all sorts of addictions. It could be an addiction to shoes or soap operas. If someone couldn’t stop watching soaps to the extreme it affects others we’d consider they had mental issues and watching soaps 24/7 is not a disease. Alcoholism is one of many things that comes under the mental illness umbrella of addiction (imho).

It’s not but it does cause disease. Smoking isn’t a disease but it causes it, same with with alcohol.

Yes I agree with that, but not a special disease called alcoholism. Addiction to alcohol is just addiction. There’s nothing special about alcohol in comparison with other addictive substances. I think it’s because people don’t want to be labelled addicts.

Quick post to say there are plenty of alcoholics that the never ending party machine is the driving force behind their addiction, not trauma.

The I m a better, more fun, more entertaining partier than you, followed by now you need to make excises for me because I'm now an addict type person is effing exhausting. They are not all masking hidden traumas.

Sorry for the long post but as a recovering alcoholic I pretty much agree with everything you said. I was addicted to alcohol but have been sober for 3.5 years and hope I can provide some insight as to why I agree with your statement that an alcoholic who is now sober is making a choice when they start drinking again.

When I started drinking at the age of 18 it almost immediately became an addiction. I made the choice to drink at first, of course I did, but after a few months it became a compulsion that was incredibly difficult to stop. I was desperate to stop drinking but couldn't force myself to stop, the addiction had such a strong grip on me it literally warped the way I thought. I was drinking in the daytime, in the evenings by myself, secretly away from my family, every single day. It was ridiculous and I knew it was but the addiction had an incomparable control over me that I can't even describe. Looking back in hindsight I can't believe how much I was out of my own control, everything I did and the entire plan of my day was focused around alcohol. It's embarrassing to admit this but it's better to be honest.

Before I joined AA, there was a period where I realised I clearly had a serious alcohol problem that was spiraling and getting worse much faster than I could keep up with it. I was at risk of losing everything but stupidly felt too ashamed to admit anything to my family or friends, so I'd tried to become sober myself and I managed 3 months of sobriety before relapsing. I realise now that I hadn't really "remedied" the addiction and had just suppressed it, so after time the thoughts came crawling back of "I'm cured now, I can just have one or two drinks", before "well one bottle of wine won't hurt, I've been sober for ages!" etc. It was absolutely my choice to drink again but the addiction in my brain had been drip feeding me ideas for weeks, it's bizarre to look back on and admit to but I'd literally convinced myself it wasn't an issue anymore? I thought I'd fixed it so I could now start drinking like a "normal person", which I can now see was fucking ridiculous but at the time I thought this was totally reasonable.

I then hit rock bottom, joined AA and I have now been sober for over 3 years. I told my partner, parents and friends everything so I became accountable for my actions to someone other than myself. I admitted my inability to control my alcohol consumption and knowing what I do now, I will never drink alcohol again.

I know that if I make the choice to drink again, even a small amount, I will lose the ability to control or stop my drinking. When an alcoholic has been sober from drinking but then start drinking again, it's a choice to pick up that first drink. Alcoholics know the impact alcohol has on them, they know they can't control or limit their drinking, they see the impact it has on themselves and their families. While stopping drinking as an alcoholic in active addiction can be incredibly difficult and, for some, impossible, once an alcoholic has been sober and has seen the positive impact on their life, their health and their loved ones, the decision to start drinking again is a choice they make. They often make this choice knowing that they will soon lose control again.

Why they make the choice depends on each person I suppose. For me, it was the fact I'd managed to listen to the addictive part of my mind and literally convince myself I was never a proper alcoholic to begin with and I was cured and it would all be fine. This was obviously a load of shit and I nearly died as a result of my drinking from this relapse. Even now, 3.5 years deep into sobriety I still sometimes get those addictive thoughts pop up in my head. The "no-one would know if I just had one", "it would be so nice to have a glass of Pimms on this sunny day", "you've been sober for 3 years, one glass won't hurt!" etc, but AA helped me recognise these thoughts and identify them as exactly what they are - my addiction. It will always be there in the background for the rest of my life, no matter how long I've been sober.

Having the coping strategies I do in order to deal with these thoughts properly, it would be MY CHOICE if I chose to listen to them and pick up the bottle, but instead I choose to deal with them correctly. Your mother did make the choice to start drinking and I am so sorry she did this, you are completely right to go NC, an alcoholic can never be helped unless they genuinely keep wanting to help themselves and devastatingly, sometimes they simply don't want to help themselves. Some people never admit they are an alcoholic and go along with the help and therapy to please their loved ones. Other people know they are an alcoholic but don't want to stop drinking. Either way, you've made the right decision but I'm so sorry it was a decision you had to make in the first place.

I didn't say it was. Ffs.

Nonsense? I'm afraid it isn't nonsense at all, but maybe some people don't want to look into their past or coping mechanisms for some reason.

Haha. The best fun I've had sober is having pissed people tell me I'm BORING. Not just once but several times over the evening. I may be boring to you love, but at least I can remember having been rude to someone, and so not having to repeat it!

Sorry had to post and run.... My party animal sister is now an alcoholic, and now claims she medicates herself (daily) with wine because she has pain in a joint she shattered when she fell down a stairs, pissed.

The cause of the fall (one of many) was her drunkeness.

The delusions and excuses are grating, particularly when combined with the nasty, cranky, abusive drunken or hungover/ erratic behaviour.

Some people simply fell in love with alcohol for alcohols sake, not due to any underlying trauma. It's also a contagion; big groups of 24/7 party people and intergenerational 24/7 party people create an alcohol abuse fall out. Certain industries are soaked in alcohol.

Assigning trauma badges without evidence of trauma can be enabling, affirming this idea that the alcoholic is a victim of circumstances beyond their control and the requirement of the alcoholic crutch was not of their making or within their control. Some alcoholics are spoilt.

OP my sister does not answer my calls, blocks my number, but is perfectly capable of unblocking and calling me any time it suits HER and SHE needs support in HER life. It doesn't ever occur to her to be supportive of me. It s all a one way street.

Sorry I have to dash

Assigning trauma badges without evidence of trauma can be enabling, affirming this idea that the alcoholic is a victim of circumstances beyond their control and the requirement of the alcoholic crutch was not of their making or within their control. Some alcoholics are spoilt

Recognising trauma in someone's past isn't at all enabling. In fact it can be an important tool to help them deal with their addiction.

Quick post to say there are plenty of alcoholics that the never ending party machine is the driving force behind their addiction, not trauma

I'm.sure there are some. I've worked with many alcoholics and literally all of them have trauma or issues in their past that they can't get beyond. Addictive parents or excessively drinking caregivers is a common theme. Some people would never admit or face it until they start addiction counselling.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery, I've had addiction-specific therapy and have no trauma in my background. What I did have was poor self-esteem, something I'd always struggled with since I was a child and this is why I started drinking large amounts. It gave me the confidence on nights out to become an entirely different person, I'd have a confident persona I simply couldn't replicate while sober. I also have ADHD, which not only can contribute to a lack of self-esteem but can also increase addictive tenancies in someone. I was drinking to maintain this confidence at first but soon the addiction crept in and meant I struggled to get my drinking under control.

It isn't always the case that people won't admit to or are in denial about trauma and I found the fact that it was presumed all alcoholics have trauma as unhelpful in my recovery because that generalised assumption didn't apply to me, meaning I couldn't use the same coping strategies as they did. I had people imply I wasn't being honest to them or myself about the trauma I must have faced in order to be the way I was, sometimes people would suggest types of trauma I must have experienced but I'd never experienced any of it. Some people really struggled to comprehend my experience and genuinely listen to me when I said that I didn't develop alcoholism as a response to trauma due to their preconceived notions about how alcoholism can develop. It would have helped me so much more if people could have listened to me rather than imply I was behind dishonest and, as a result, hindering my recovering and wasting their time when I was doing no such thing. I won't admit to trauma I've not had to make someone's job easier.

Thing is you can't actually tell from looking at them, or knowing them. You don't know what layers there are.

I know my 2 children with ASD for example experience high levels of anxiety which I would think is traumatic for them

I think there are different definitions people have for trauma. Trauma for me isn’t some one big event that happens to a person like a car crash or one off abuse. Trauma is very often the very small little paper cuts a person experiences throughout their life that culminates in them feeling less worthy as a person. Feeling shameful, like there is something wrong with them.

I understand that trauma comes in different shapes and forms. I have not suffered from trauma in my past, nor is my drinking related to trauma in any form. I just wanted to make the point that not every alcoholic's drinking stems from trauma and the preconceived notion that this is always the case can actually hinder treatment in some cases, such as my own.