To get annoyed when parents slag off PTAs

[KittyAlfred]

I see this so much on MN. Parents saying that the PTA is cliquey, that the Mums only join so they can suck up to the teachers and gain advantages for their kids. Many people on here seem to make a virtue of doing fuck all, just because they don’t like the PTA women.

Like many parents, when DS1 started at primary I didn’t really know anyone at school. It was an alien world to me. As a working single parent with a baby/toddler as well, I didn’t help the PTA at all for the first couple of years. Then I started to get involved on the periphery. Yes sure, lots of the mums knew each other well and socialised together, but that’s not to say they didn’t still need extra people to run stalls and sell raffle tickets etc. The first few times I felt a bit nervous and uncomfortable, but I got to know people, and by the time DS2 left primary I was running the PTA myself. I have no idea if people thought I was cliquey, but I really couldn’t help it if I’d known some of the mums for 10 years by then and was therefore friendly with them! We always needed help, and happily welcomed anyone who chose to muck in.

All you anti PTA snobs seem to have no idea how essential PTAs are, and how much hard work they do. I spent hours and hours and hours raising loads of money which went directly to stuff for the kids. School funding is so poor now that our PTA money subsidised all the trips, paid for books, classroom renovation, playground equipment, visiting activities, Christmas party/gifts - you name it, we paid for it.

And yes, I probably got to know the teachers slightly better, because if you’re running a school fair then inevitably you talk to the teachers. If you’re still cleaning up the village hall with the teachers an hour after the lazy mums have fucked off home , then you’ll talk to them!

If you’re too busy to help the PTA then fair enough. But don’t slag them off, because they work bloody hard and make your child’s school experience a lot better than it would otherwise be.

The core thing to remember here is that not all PTAs are equal.

Some are certainly great and run by absolute saints.

Sadly there are some run by less nice people who appear only to want personal power and glory, and woe betide anyone who gets in their way or dares question them.

I have direct experience of this - too outing to relate here - but it was pretty fucking terrible.

Overall - people shouldn't paint all PTAs with the same brush. OP, you sound lovely, but not everyone is like you, and that's why the concept creates such different responses.

I volunteer to sit with readers for one day a week, I litter pick the school grounds twice a month, I make a voluntary annual contribution to support the school getting a breakfast to every child in school. I am still totally blanked and ignored by members of the PTA who organise a tea towel and a bake sale once a year. I'm not convinced. But good luck. It'd be nice if more people got stuck in.

My issue with our PTA is that we live in a relatively "well-to-do" village. But there are areas of deprivation with a lot of people from outside of catchment. The people on our PTA literally cannot see beyond their own viewpoint - so if they suggest something, and perhaps suggest it's only a £5 donation, you get shouted down for pointing out that not everyone can afford £5, especially if you have two or three kids.

I've seen the WhatsApp chat from the PTA, they literally think the school is against them all the time, and they're constantly slagging off parents who can't afford things or dare to say "yeah but what about..." They wanted to do a big fundraiser for WBD, and my god, the moaning and bitching when the head said no costumes because of affordability was unbelievable.

The head of the PTA even publicly posted on the PTA Facebook page "we're not wearing costumes this year because somebody has complained about it" followed by all of them publicly stating that it was a disgrace and why should their children miss out on costumes because one parent "can't be bothered to at least try and make a costume". If you were that one parent who had confidentially told the school that they were worried about funds, to see that post from the head of the PTA would have been utterly heartbreaking.

Another issue I have is the lack of transparency. They never tell anyone how much money is raised from each event, or what it's being used for. I think if there was a specific fundraising goal, more people would be willing to get involved and see a difference in how much is made.

Now I have done some volunteer things for the school when the teachers have asked for help, I always attend the PTA events and donate to them, so I do feel that I am paying a part and I won't be made to feel guilty about it.

Do you know what, it shouldn't be parents' job to fund a school. So if people don't want to get involved, whether that's because they're too busy, too shy, or just lazy mums who fuck off home, then that's entirely valid.

THIS.

Most parents who have jobs honestly dgaf what PTA mums do. Truthfully, I have so many other things to worry about that I really don't care.

To use the word lazy for some of those who don't take part is ridiculous - you have no idea what people spend their time doing or other commitments.

I would argue that those who make donations are doing a bigger service than PTA mums. Lots of the events don't raise that much money in proportion to the time and effort, especially bake sales!

PTA chair here, it's bloody hard work, I work, am my disabled husbands carer, do all the driving, shopping, life/house/school admin etc, majority of housework and all of the cooking, with two children, one who is autistic. So it certainly isn't all mums with time on their hands. I do it because I enjoy it, and because if I didn't, nobody else would.

I did join the PTA to suck up to teachers and get involved in school. My son was being bullied and I needed an in to get it sorted! When I realised what a shit show the school management was I changed his school. The PTA were doing a better job than the principal!

Yep, I hear you OP. I’m not on the pta but will run a stall or volunteer at the school for stuff. It is always the same people who find the time
to help. The dates for the school fairs are announced early and when you try to rally support you get the usual suspects saying “we are away that weekend” yeah I thought you would be. I think the non helpers have the notion that we just love to involved and help out, no, it’s because no one else does and it’s leaving the pta in shit.

Please do.

My DC are older now and this was ages ago, but when they were at primary school a group of parents wrote a template MP letter for parents to adapt and send. It was factual and clear about the solution we wanted. This letter writing campaign was successful in getting our local MP on side.

There was also a National petition about school funding on the government petition website and the issue was debated in Parliament. Schools got extra funding at the time, so it was more effective than the PTA raising the funds from parents.

Our schools were at the time run by the local authority and most primary schools are now part of academy chains, so I am unsure of how the funding for them works today.

Yes the PTA probably could raise funds via a monthly direct debit, but these events help a community grow. Children get far more out of a disco or fete than they do if their parents just set up a regular bank transfer.
I'm not on the PTA, but I do volunteer at the events each term. The children enjoy them and ultimately the whole school benefits. Giving up 30 minutes - 2 hours of my time once a term is time well spent in my opinion.

I used to help out at every event, although I wasn't on the PTA (also a single working parent) until the day the Queen bee PTA woman decided to post on the school FB page slating everyone for not attending a coffee morning (not to raise funds, just to say hi to the PTA), said that clearly none of us care about our kids, and told us all to reimburse her for cakes she had bought with her own money. She said she worked too so why couldn't we all fit these meetings in, and never replied when I stated that she fit the meetings in around her job so she wouldn't have scheduling issues like the rest of us.

They can absolutely fuck right off with that, I wasn't taking time off work to have a coffee with anyone.

There is definitely a certain type of person who joins (absolutely not everyone, some are lovely) but they like to look down on everyone else as they are oh so busy and still manage to do all this stuff, it's annoying as fuck. They you aren't better than everyone else.

There should be perks to being on the PTA for sure, but the superiority complex that comes alongside it for some is unwarranted.

That is your experience.

I am a friendly, approachable, practical mum with over 20 years Events Management experience. I have organised events for regional charities eg summer/Christmas fairs through to high profile special and corporate events eg: fundraising balls, 500 + guests, £10k a table big budget, high fundraising target etc etc....

I’ve tried to help the PTA with event suggestions, practical advice and hands on help. I’ve tried for two years. But I’ve been rebuffed by the VERY close circle of PTA mums. I’ve given up. It’s a shame I could be very useful to them.

Some people think their children's PTA is cliquey and some of the members unpleasant, making it challenging to get involved. There's a bit of that going on at our school because it's not an unusual dynamic. A few of the members are alright, but a lot of them are not. I do my bit and have spent hours ringing round for donations from local businesses, baking cakes, manning stalls etc. But it seems impossible to infiltrate the clique to actually bring fresh ideas (like not spending so much of people's hard earned cash on stupid things that don't benefit the kids). I'm entitled to make that observation regardless of your opinion.

It's absolutely no different to you making the judgement that parents (or just the mums 🙄) who leave the event without staying for an hour to tidy are lazy. Although you're trying to backpedal on that one now.

Also you'd do well to remember that the PTA don't actually pay for anything. That would be the "lazy" parents who turn up to the events and put their hands in their pockets each time.

I volunteer elsewhere to the PTA and get no thanks from the parents whose kids we take away for the weekend. I could never do PTA as all the planning meetings were 3.30 and I work full time. As others said it’s lovely to know I was considered lazy when I was at the numerous fundraising events spending money and also donating prizes and items for stalls.

Op I don't disagree with you I have heard comments too about people who refuse to help but are very vocal in their complaints but there is also people trying to help and being told 'oh we have always done it this way we can't change' not those exact words

Some people get tired of trying to help when it's the same people getting voted back in because change is totally foreign

But your attitude is what people have a problem with!

I'm a lazy mum, I have a demanding job (not rocket science or curing cancer) just demanding of my energy. I don’t want to help. I appreciate what they do, it’s nice to have an engaged PTA. I always send money for the DC to buy cakes/gifts/red noses whatever so contribute financially every time.

However, I do have a little inward groan when things get rearranged at short notice, or the info is massively lacking or when they arrange 3 events in quick succession but nothing for the next two months. I would never say it to their face but sometimes they make it difficult to support them.

You've called people who don't want to join the PTA both snobs and lazy. And you wonder why mums don't want to join or don't have a high opinion of you!

You get something out of joining, which is why you do it. It's become your hobby. It isn't everyone else's. It doesn't make you a better person than someone who chooses not to - even if those other parents have plenty of time, you don't have an entitlement to it. You do you.

People contribute to their communities in different ways - those parents turning up to school events and spending money are supporting the PTA. There will be people doing things in their schools and communities that you have no awareness of. And if they do nothing, that's their prerogative too - they didn't ask you to join the PTA!

I think sometimes people ascribe cliquey behaviour to something to rationalise their fear of it. All PTAs can do is to try to make themselves open and welcoming-on a regular basis, and be aware of try to be inclusive in style.

I had a horrible experience being on the PTA. I joined when my eldest was in reception and was talked into taking on the treasurer role. It was ok for a couple of years until a lemon drizzle bitch bullied out the lovely chair and took his position.

She treated me like I was untrustworthy, introducing new rules that I was fine with initially but which she then tried to break herself. The final straw came when she wanted to audit the accounts which were already with the independent auditor even though chairs are precluded from auditing accounts.

It all blew up when she tried to get hold of the accounts by telling me the charity commission wanted to audit our accounts. Unfortunately for her, she had underestimated my intelligence and I knew the charities commission don’t audit small charity accounts. I’d told her many times who the accounts were with so I don’t know why she put so much pressure on me to hand them over - I literally didn’t have them.

I ended up resigning in protest with an open email because it was clear to me that she thought I was stealing from the PTA. She was very wealthy and I was a skint single mum but she was clearly projecting thinking I’d ever be dishonest or steal from charity! I run my own voluntary group now so it didn’t put me off entirely but it was not a nice experience and put my off PTAs.

Lets be honest, for some of us spending time with the PTA types is hell on earth though.

Maybe a lot of women are put off by the sexist expectation that only mums, not any of the dads, should be giving up their time to support the pta. I wouldn't want to be a part of your pta when you clearly hold such an expectation.

I've noticed this kind of anti-pta snobbery too, it strikes me as a "too cool for school" attitude.

You say you don't have that attitude but your phrasing absolutely reeks of it. You come across as extremely judgemental and quite frankly unpleasant. You may not be in real life, but reading your posts on here would put me off having any involvement in a pta you were part of.

I agreed until you implied all Moms not on the PTA are lazy.

That attitude probably goes some way to explaining why many may actively dislike PTA parents.

I am on the PTA. I joined when my youngest went to nursery to help the school out as they have been fabulous to my children. One on particular has additional support needs but is doing amazing partly because of the staff in the school.

We do lots that people don't realise. I spent half of my sat off pricing, stock checking etc for a big event we have soon. I do a lot in the week for the school because I can as my working hours are more weekends. I don't critisce or judge other PTA members that can't help in daytime events but often they are helping behind the scenes with advertising etc. It's not cliquey and we have both mum and dad's on it. Myself and a couple of other parents do know each other better because our kids are in the same year. That doesn't mean we don't disagree on certain things or question stuff in the PTA. Our evening events mean we do often have lots of volunteers helping who are not on the PTA and all meetings are in the evening (we don't hold more than 5 a year). Any help no matter how little is welcomed.