To get annoyed when parents slag off PTAs

[KittyAlfred]

I see this so much on MN. Parents saying that the PTA is cliquey, that the Mums only join so they can suck up to the teachers and gain advantages for their kids. Many people on here seem to make a virtue of doing fuck all, just because they don’t like the PTA women.

Like many parents, when DS1 started at primary I didn’t really know anyone at school. It was an alien world to me. As a working single parent with a baby/toddler as well, I didn’t help the PTA at all for the first couple of years. Then I started to get involved on the periphery. Yes sure, lots of the mums knew each other well and socialised together, but that’s not to say they didn’t still need extra people to run stalls and sell raffle tickets etc. The first few times I felt a bit nervous and uncomfortable, but I got to know people, and by the time DS2 left primary I was running the PTA myself. I have no idea if people thought I was cliquey, but I really couldn’t help it if I’d known some of the mums for 10 years by then and was therefore friendly with them! We always needed help, and happily welcomed anyone who chose to muck in.

All you anti PTA snobs seem to have no idea how essential PTAs are, and how much hard work they do. I spent hours and hours and hours raising loads of money which went directly to stuff for the kids. School funding is so poor now that our PTA money subsidised all the trips, paid for books, classroom renovation, playground equipment, visiting activities, Christmas party/gifts - you name it, we paid for it.

And yes, I probably got to know the teachers slightly better, because if you’re running a school fair then inevitably you talk to the teachers. If you’re still cleaning up the village hall with the teachers an hour after the lazy mums have fucked off home , then you’ll talk to them!

If you’re too busy to help the PTA then fair enough. But don’t slag them off, because they work bloody hard and make your child’s school experience a lot better than it would otherwise be.

The PTA here is very cliquey to be fair. I volunteered not because I really wanted to but because there were a tonne of emotional blackmail type emails firing around about how it's cruel not to offer and the school will suffer. As I can work flexibly I thought okay ill take one for the team. As an 'outsider' I was treated horribly and when I rightly said fuck this I'm not giving up my free time to be treated like this they then said oh such a shame not everyone is bothered about their child's education are they. The nepotism I've seen is more as the children feel more confident to ask for x, y or z opportunity as their mums always around school rather than the teachers actively choosing them.

Appreciate this isn't the same everywhere but I do think in many cases both sides don't cover themselves in glory, yourself and some of your comments included OP.

Personally I'd rather set up a direct debit and donate x amount a month or whatever than attend the crappy events they muster together, this isn't allowed though apparently as I've asked (DS could of course go to them if he wanted but he's not usually bothered).

The real issue as ever is the government's lack of funding for schools rather than pitting parents against eachother.

IMO blaming PTA 'cliques' is a very lazy way of excusing yourself from contributing. The fact is that everyone can help in some way. It just means putting yourself out a bit.

If you can't attend events during the day then you might help at those that happen in the evening. If you can't do either then perhaps you can wash uniform for resale or help with accounts, promoting the cause via social media or managing the school WhatsApp..etc etc

People who contribute to the PTA in any way are supporting the school and everyone's children and are desperately needed. Our (secondary) school has circa 2,000 parents/carers . Fewer than 20 provide regular help in any way and yet all the students benefit from the results of fundraising campaigns. I just don't believe that 1980 parents/ carers have no time. They just don't want to which is fine but don't blame the PTA for this failing.

I can see two sides, as a single parent without a job, I was perceived to blow staus by a pta queen bee, who decided my help was not desired. I didn't let her scare me off though. I was confused by her bizarre behaviour and the support she had. One of her drones told the principal that I was struggling to cope. A story plucked from thin air. The pta queen bee wanted to network with other queen bees. I had free time between 0900 and 1300 and I did some donkey work, blagging prizes counting brown money, et cetera.

I think the schools need to be on guard to step in if the PTA gets too cliquey because it scares off people who have the time and willingness to help.

PTAs do evolve though. They are no worse nor better than the people that participate in them. The organisation that existed when my child first went to school really was filled with stereotypical cliquey types. It was horrendous. Roll on a few years later, children have moved up to secondary, there's been a complete turn over in parent involvement and it's lovely and inclusive. My own child has long since left the school, but I continue help out as a staff member because it's such a. great group of people. .

I'm not lazy or a snob I OFFERED to help the PTA for whatever reason declined my help whilst simultaneously begging over social media it was only when her friend offered that she was happy no-one else was good enough she then spent the entire time running around chasing her ass because her friend doesn't do much unless it benefits her

Pta martyrdom is a real thing

And no, no I haven't offered again why should I? I'm apparently not "good enough"

Our PTA is run by two dads, I'm treasurer.

We only tend to hear from 98% of parents when they have something to moan about but I love organising stuff and seeing the children have fun and enjoy themselves. I also love that we have been chipping away at our target and about to hand over the money for a massive project that all 650 children with benefit from.and enjoy and positively impact their learning. I don't really care about the other parents, it's 100% for the children.

Our children get zero benefits from it, instead mine get the embarrassment of their mum at the disco and lots of other kids demanding my attention. They will have to be supervised by grandma for the summer fayre as I'm needed etc. They get less of my time in the evenings as I sit and organise stuff for everyone else's child.

We have set commitments. So £900 per year group towards trip and visitors coming in for work shops etc.

£1000 for year 6 leavers.

Whole school treat day.

Then the big massive project which changes probably every 3-4 years.

Loving the reference to Costco runs!
I'm in a similar position to the OP, DS1 started school in 2012 and DD is still at primary, so I've gradually got more involved over the years.
There have been a range of different chairs and committees over that time but fundamentally people do it to add value and contribute to aspects of their child's education that school budget doesn't cover.
I don't think there are any really perks to it, all the current PTA members work, and we're totally grateful for anyone who doesn't want to attend meetings but can man a stall etc.

I’m being criticised for using words like “lazy” but honestly that’s how it felt. My kids were the ones who had to stay behind after events while I cleared up. I was the one juggling work and single-parenthood, negotiating with the bouncy castle company and assembling the football goal challenge, while others wouldn’t so much as blow up a balloon. Luckily we had plenty of people who did help.

But as I keep saying, repeatedly, my issue isn’t with the people who didn’t help. Everyone has their own reasons and it’s none of my business what they are. What I object to is reading all the negativity, and the accusations of ulterior motives. The people on our PTA did it for one reason and one reason only - to raise funds to enhance the experience of the kids at school. And I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of PTA parents are the same.

I was agreeing with your post but you lost me at the lazy mum who has gone home.

Just because a parent cannot help run the PTA as you would like doesn't mean they are lazy.

There could be 101 reasons why someone cannot help at particular times but you have pre judged and applied a superior attitude to those who cannot help so your point is rather ruined.

I appreciate the PTA members and have no idea what world people live in where they are criticised

I got roped into setting up a PTA when my, now teenage kids, started infant school.
It was worthwhile in the sense that it helped the school with so many things but there was a constant bitching from a certain cohort who never got involved, they complained meeting times didn't suit them so we rearranged them to different times, turns out those people just wanted to moan and didn't turn up to them then either.
I don't think anyone should be forced to be involved but on the other hand, don't needlessly bitch about those who do.

I got told once that I was lucky to have so much free time and they were far too busy to get involved (they came upto me to tell me this I wasn't trying to recruit them!).
I was a single mother of 3, working FT hours and studying for a PhD and with other voluntary commitments, I was doing it because I made the time to do it.
By the end of the 4 years we had quite a strong, albeit small, group going, mostly working parents and quite a few Dads too. We all became friends because of the time we spent together which led to the same aforementioned cohort moaning we were a clique.
I also found that whilst a lot of people were, understandably, reticent to join the PTA itself if we put out a letter asking for help with specific tasks it was usually forthcoming.

Our little group was very friendly and everyone was there to actually help not just to be seen helping.
I've heard of other PTAs where they are very cliquey though and very crunchy mum, ours was just a rag tag bunch of tired people 😁

Sadly as our kids grew up and left the school the PTA slowly disbanded.

You have to read the rest of my post, in which I’ve made it clear that plenty of people can’t help for various reasons. But some are lazy. And it’s the slagging off on here that I object to.

Your attitude is basically why people don’t want to get involved. It’s the self-importance and martyrdom. The “we are better than them” attitude.

I went to help set up at a PTA event recently. I said “hey I’m here to set up, what needs doing” half of them didn’t even know, no one would really engage with me at all. I was ready and waiting to help but just had to figure out what actually needed doing. It really put me off helping again as I felt I wasn’t really wanted there. Maybe they wanted more people to get involved (which they supposedly do) they could be a bit more friendly to the people actually trying.

basically it felt poorly organised and massively unfriendly. Yes I could join and change from the inside, but I don’t really have the time or the inclination. A lot of PTA mums talk about how we couldn’t possibly raise money without the pta but when you have 400 kids at school if you did an own clothes day once a half term for £1 a kid surely that’s 2 and a half grand without anyone getting on their high horse. This Easter our pta asked everyone to buy Easter eggs, donate them to school then buy them back to “raise money” which was the most pointless fundraiser I’ve ever encountered.

I'm one of the lazy mums who has fucked off home because I work a full time job and run a charity as well. Maybe you should stop being such a snob yourself. You volunteer for a PTA, you're not curing cancer.

I've recently attended my first pta meeting, and was amazed to find they are sitting on 4k, and have no immediate plans to give this to the school.

I suggested that lots of parents are very busy and would happily give a fiver a month to the pta via direct debit or suchlike (we are in a nice enough area with lots of well off families), but this was shrugged off as the pta "like" to put on the events and raise money that way. Trouble is they seem so ineffective at fund raising and raise relatively little for all the hours thrown at these things, I decided it's just not for me. I'm not lazy / snobby / whatever else OP suggested, but just can't see that I'm the right fit.

You see I stopped reading at lazy mum because it rather held up the view that PTAs are cliquey and judgemental.

As it goes I wholly support our PTA, we're in reception so first experience this year and they work hard to provide something additional to school. And no I wouldn't criticise as it is someone else giving up their free time to benefit a larger community.

PTAs rely on the unpaid labour of women. I’d rather they didn’t exist and make cash donations to the school.

You've done a poor job to change people's attitudes op

I agree with this too!

People are very entitled to complain about a PTA while benefitting from it.

All the "I'd rather stick money in an envelope at the start of the year" types...sure you would, but the PTA raises more than you would put in an envelope and the kids have more fun and opportunities. It also builds communities.

From my experience, the parents on the PTA at my school are the ones whose kids need the least from it in terms benefitting from the cheap activities for the kids and the extra resources. So it would be nice if people learnt from the old saying "if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all".

I think the people that support the PTA, either with time or simply just by not being critical, are people who do well in life - socially, in a community and so on and are more likely to be included in life because of a positive attitude and the people who criticise are the types that are always moaning about something and the first to bitch about cliques and unfairness and generally have an entitled attitude.

The real issue as ever is the government's lack of funding for schools rather than pitting parents against eachother.

Agreed @Pickledmeg

Fine for PTAs to fund extras that are nice to have, but ours were used to fund classroom basics. Not ok.

Not true. Half the members of ours are men. My husband is on the PTA with mix of sexes. I'm not on the PTA.

Umm ,well, you had me up until the point where you called everyone else "lazy Mums" (any opinion on the Dads while I'm here or is helping out with school tasks something you only expect women to do?)

I do plenty for my kid's school - what with being a school governor with safeguarding responsibility - I'm not lazy just because I'm not clearing up school halls with you. I work full time and also do two other volunteer roles. Plenty of people who don't do what you do are doing other things rather than being 'lazy'.

I've never actually encountered the "anti PTA" attitude of which you speak. Maybe people are picking up on your attitude, though? Given how your judgement of others shines through in your post.

It's not ok but without a PTA there would be less. Are you writing to your MP or raising the profile of the issue with petitions?