How to navigate being the childfree friend

[Somethingaboutnorma]

Looking for advice not judgement please and on to navigate this. Very long.

Im in my mid 30s as are most of my close friends. Out of my social group of close friends I’m the only one that is childfree/single, by choice.

My friends all starting getting married and having children within the last 5 years, apart from one who had a daughter when she was 20.

My issue is that whilst I understand we have reached different points in our lives and friendships change I can’t help feel I’m being left behind because I’m childfree.

Over the years we’ve always celebrated milestones such as new job/ house/promotion/weddings etc which I’ve made a real effort with such as sending congratulations cards, visits, organising hen dos etc.

But since the children I have come along I can’t help notice that they don’t make an effort anymore. I completely understand they will be busy and probably won’t even care that much but it seems a little thoughtless after I’ve celebrated my friends so much.

For example, last year I decided to quit my corporate job and retrain as a nurse and the year before I bought my own flat. Both big accomplishments for me but my friends didn’t send a card despite me sending them gifts when they bought theirs or got new jobs/promotions. I haven’t received a birthday card either in a few years despite sending them cards and gifts as well as cards and gifts for their children too, only two of them sent an a actual birthday text.

I invited them all to my birthday last year but none could make it due to childcare which is fair enough but always made the effort to attend their birthdays/child birthdays, despite being very busy.

I have one friend who isn’t in the friendships group who is a single mother, I don’t know if that makes a different, whilst the others are married or have partners that will make a effort with me, as well as me making the effort with her, we’ll go out just us without her child or do stuff with the child.

Unlike my friend this friendship group only seems to meet in family friendly places/events. Which can be a bit lonely as they all bring their family along and I’m there alone. When I have suggested an adult day/night they are keen but something always comes up. I don’t mind going to family friendly events but it seems to be all the time, there isn’t a balance. Plus being selfish I don’t want to spend my only day off in that environment. Apart from my friend who is the single mother I have one close friend who is single and child free so can spend time with them doing more adult friendly activities.

Do I just suck this up and accept that I will have to attend these events until the children are much older? Or do I just have shit friends that seem not to be interested in me and make little effort. As much as I like my friends it seems we don’t have much in common anymore and it’s being life long friends that binds us together.

@Emmaishly

"She wants accomplishments celebrated. She is thriving. Her friend probably feel they are barely surviving."

Yes, this exactly.

I'm probably being unreasonable here, but it kinda feels like she wants her friends to parent her, too. If I had friends who threw a strop when I didn't do that, I'd run a mile.

Agreed this really irritates me too. I’m a mum and it’s fucking hard but this argument is absolute bollocks.

I'm another mum who gets irritated by this crap. I have a sister who is childfree. She also works in a very intense high pressured job that saps her energy and takes up (in my opinion) far too much of her time. On top of that she, along with her husband, are carers for his elderly parents.

In contrast, I spent the early years of my children's lives in a nice comfortable job that was stimulating and challenging but where I had flexibility that wasn't, at that time, even offered to cnildfree people. I had the usual sleepless nights, but between us we managed and came out the other side. And now I have grown up kids, no caring responsibilities and an easy life.

My sister understands tiredness far more than I ever will. I hate that people like my gorgeous, kind, warm hearted and wonderful sister have their experiences dismissed in such a way because they have not reproduced.

I think I must have done parenting wrong 🤔.

I have been one since I was 25 and now have two adult kids. I was one of the first in my friendship group to have kids and obviously didn't go out clubbing or anything wild, but I remember going out for drinks, meals etc. I've always been crap at sending cards, but would text a happy birthday and generally chat and stuff to friends with and without kids.

It was knackering at times, but so has been a lot of things in my life. I had sleepless nights, but again, have had those on and off for years before I had kids.

I'm not some kind of superwoman, I'm just a normal mum of two who still managed to find some semblance of a life and not cut off friends for no reason. 🤷‍♀️

My sister understands tiredness far more than I ever will. I hate that people like my gorgeous, kind, warm hearted and wonderful sister have their experiences dismissed in such a way because they have not reproduced

👏👏👏👏 and the bottom line Is all our lives & experiences are different and can’t be reduced to simply child free or parent

Agree with those who say you can go to child free friends for advice. Not all but some child free people may have some helpful ideas. I used to work with kids which is not the same as parenting but it does mean I have some sort of experience and as someone who was a sort of mentor to teens i heard things from their perspective. My
best friend has had her most useful advice for her tweens from me according to her!

I feel a lot of parents aren’t interested in children that aren’t theirs, so they imagime everyone is like that . Not all child free people (or parents for that matter) have that mentality.

Did your friends previously send cards etc and then they stopped? Or have they never really done it? Sometimes people are just different and value different things. I couldn't care less if anyone messages me on my birthday or sends a card, but what matters to me is someone willing to pick up the phone to me or meet me at short notice when I'm having a crisis. I adopt a similar approach with my friends - I will bend over backwards to help anyone with anything they need but I generally forget birthdays and things like that because it's not something I care about. That said if e.g. I knew a friend had just lost a partner and was going to be lonely on their first post-bereavement birthday I would make a real effort to take care of them and make them feel special. If you want to try to stay close to them and it really upsets you I'd bring it up as they may not even be aware it's an issue. Perhaps try with your closest friend of that set and just ask them about their priorities.

I agree here as well. I've found that my sister has given me the most useful parenting advice many, many times. She has worked with children and families for many years. She's seen things that I will never understand. I have on,y my experience of two normal, often annoying, sometimes twattish, children.

My sister was the one who advised me throughout my daughters eating disorder and was the only person who really understood the helplessness that I felt.

I think we parents often forget that we are only experts in our own children. Most of us are only interested in our own children.

My sister and my husband, who has no children of his own but is a step father to mine and his ex's - have over 30 years experience of situations that most parents will never understand.

Yet I'm the one who is supposed to be the expert according to some people on here because I gave birth to two. It's bollocks.

Hmmm, I would expect to give or receive a card for a new job or house move, even before having children.

Could it be that those things have just lost the amount of significance previously applied to them before your friends had children? In the grand scheme of things, they are tiny in comparison to the huge change having a new family member brings.

I wouldn't say they are bad friends or they are not real friendships. I was one of the last of my friends to start a family. I just accepted as the babies started arriving that friendship wouldn't be the same. It wasn't but after the first few years, we all started going out together again (just not with the same frequency or bedtime...).

I wouldn't think a card needs to be sent with a job promotion or career change, children or not. Honestly op I probably fall into the shit friend category but I'm exhausted. I have 3 dc, a chronic illness but I'm a sahm. I have a 6m old and it's been years of really difficult and high needs babies and I have not that much to give. All my friends though have kids and we pretty much understand each other.

Could it be that those things have just lost the amount of significance previously applied to them before your friends had children? In the grand scheme of things, they are tiny in comparison to the huge change having a new family member brings.

I agree. My life is obviously less significant because I've not had kids.

OP I hate to say it but I don’t think you’ve fully appreciated your friends’ situation and from your responses on here it sounds like you can’t be bothered to/aren’t interested in doing so.

I have sympathy for you as it’s always tough to be the odd one out whatever the situation (I was the single one for years so know how it feels to be left out/feel like others are moving on without me). But the truth is it was unrealistic of you to expect that your friendship would continue in a similar vein during the early parenting years.

Giving far more than you receive will always breed resentment but it’s on you to pull back to a level that you are happy to provide without getting the same back for the next few years. That doesn’t make them bad friends, it makes them human. For many women parenting a baby / toddler can be all-consuming as they depend on you for absolutely everything so you can never switch off thinking about them, even with a hands-on partner.

I’d cut them some slack, focus your attention on friends who can reciprocate your efforts for the time being and look forward to your friends returning when they are able to in 10 years or so. Proper friendships survive fallow times.

Less significant and you haven't a clue about being tired 🤣

For many women parenting a baby / toddler can be all-consuming as they depend on you for absolutely everything so you can never switch off thinking about them, even with a hands-on partner.

Even though OP says they don't even send birthday wishes on SM despite them being active on SM that day?

I assume that I'll also never know true/pure love.

I can definitely relate to this post though I am a good bit older than you. I'm in my 40s and have a long term boyfriend/partner but made a very conscious decision some years back not to have kids. I'd never really wanted them anyway but it was only when I experienced an unplanned pregnancy that it solidified the decision for me (and yes, I had a termination). It's not always easy being the childfree friend particularly or the single friend for that matter and I definitely get what you're saying about your friends with kids not being supportive and celebrating your personal achievements particularly when you have made so much effort to celebrate their life milestones and that sucks...that's part of a larger issue though IMO with society-gender roles etc. and society's expectations of women. However, the older I get the more I relish my freedom and independence and I know that at some level, many of my married friends with kids envy my freedom and independence. They've said as much and I know of one friend in particular who's stuck in an unhappy marriage but can't afford to get out because of the kids, finances, mortgage etc. I definitely also understand what you say about feeling you don't have as much in common with your friends with kids anymore and that's something I've struggled with in my own situation.... It's not easy to be the one who's a little bit different but what I would say is that perhaps now is a good time to seek out other outlets or perhaps try to meet people you've more in common with? Maybe then you won't feel as dependent or disappointed by your other friends when they let you down or aren't available...? If it's of any interest, there are groups for Childfree women and couples on social media as well as on www.meetup.com. You don't have to cut the cord entirely on your old friends but maybe some new friends could posiitvely enhance your life?

They don’t have the time and frankly the capacity to behave and find the things important like before.
You know how incredibly hard it is to plan anything around small children? Not just the fact that there is literally no time, but also a parent needs to make 9million decisions daily, there is no more room for anything but the neccesities.
Decision fatigue is a real thing.

I agree with the previous poster who said no matter how tired or busy you are it takes seconds to send a one-line text wishing a friend Happy birthday. Don't use being busy or 'baby brain' as an excuse to forget a friend's important milestones when calendar reminders exist, just own it and admit you can't be bothered anymore as your child is priority.

Which is fine of course your child is your priority but they shouldn't be your only priority and you should leave room in your life for other people who care about you.

I imagine the poster who was 'oh so horrified' that her friend wanted to celebrate her birthday we'll get a big wake up call when her kids grow up and noones around anymore.

Also, and I'm seeing this is a mum and a step mum myself, people who are shit friends like this are often the ones wondering where "The Village" is when it comes to the children

This OP. Someone once told me having a baby was like throwing a grenade at your marriage and for a lot of people it's true. You can be just treading water, trying to claw some romantic couple time when in rocky ground, sleepless nights, family time at weekends, playdates and baby groups for much needed social development, a house constantly in a state to get on top of, etc, running round everywhere, knocked down half the time with kiddie bugs they are relentlessly bringing home from nursery or school. I thought I had a busy life and hard job before kids and it wasn't even comparable.

Me and my friends have never given each other birthday presents tbh, or a card for a new house or new job etc, just how we are (we are great friends to eachother though and show support in other ways). But we generally try to get each others kids a little gift.

It's just what it is, different life stages, different priorities, doesn't mean they're bad friends.

I think you are right when you say that their lives have changed, I think you have to accept that that means that some values you previously shared they have moved on from.

The reality is that they no longer want to do the sort of adult-only activities you do (or not with the same regularity). Neither of you is in the wrong, you just want different things.

I think it can be easy to blame friends for changing, but everyone changes. It's hard to express how having a dc changes you when you haven't been through it - you are just never off duty, and leaving them can be difficult both practically and emotionally, and may just not be fun for them. Knowing you have to get up at 5am and parent for 14 hours really takes the edge off a night out too.

I think you need to look for friends who and more in line with why you want in terms of availability to spend time together, and then decide if you would like to see the old friends to the extent they are able or not.

I imagine the poster who was 'oh so horrified' that her friend wanted to celebrate her birthday we'll get a big wake up call when her kids grow up and noones around anymore.

This is happening to a lot of women who had their babies around the same time as I did. When the children were young they never did anything without them, we're never interested in socialising unless it was with other mothers, never bothered to meet up with friends or do anything for themselves.

Now our children are early to mid 20's and leaving home, sorting out their own lives, they are wondering where all their friends have gone.

Friendships are important. It doesn't take long to text someone to let them know you are thinking of them. People don't want to hang around waiting for an old friend to finally have time for them. It's insulting and hurtful, so they go off and find new friends and their lives move on in a different direction, leaving the other person behind.

It is sad to see these women now because they were so adamant that all they needed was their own little family around them that they forgot that that family moves on, grows up and leaves home. Sometimes the marriage ends too and they are being left even more isolated.

My advice to childfree friends is don't hang around waiting for a few crumbs to come your way. If your friends end up lonely and isolated in the future it is their own fault, as harsh as that sounds.

I was a single parent for several years when my children were young. I didn't have much time away from them as my ex husband worked abroad for a lot of those years. If it wasn't for my friends, whether parents or not, I would not have made it through those years.

@coeurnoir That's a great post, especially the bit about bit hanging around for crumbs. I'll be damned if I'm hanging around for someone for 20 years because I've suddenly become interesting to them again now the kids have flown the nest and they're bored. No thanks.

Here comes the obligatory tired olympics.

OP, it sounds like they’re not good friends. They sound like shit friends who don’t make any effort with you but expect it in return.

The fact that one was miffed that you couldn’t make her baby shower (and baby showers for anything other than first baby are grabby AF) but has made zero effort for you says it all.

I wouldn’t be holding onto these friendships. This can happen. Friends drift apart for all kinds of reasons. But it’s often the single or child free among us who fork out more in our time, money and effort to maintain these friendships whilst the others just enjoy taking.

It’s probably not intentional. They’re just at a different and difficult place in their lives right now and I’d focus more on the friendship with the single mother and building friendships with child free women. We do exist, I swear 😂