How to navigate being the childfree friend

[Somethingaboutnorma]

Looking for advice not judgement please and on to navigate this. Very long.

Im in my mid 30s as are most of my close friends. Out of my social group of close friends I’m the only one that is childfree/single, by choice.

My friends all starting getting married and having children within the last 5 years, apart from one who had a daughter when she was 20.

My issue is that whilst I understand we have reached different points in our lives and friendships change I can’t help feel I’m being left behind because I’m childfree.

Over the years we’ve always celebrated milestones such as new job/ house/promotion/weddings etc which I’ve made a real effort with such as sending congratulations cards, visits, organising hen dos etc.

But since the children I have come along I can’t help notice that they don’t make an effort anymore. I completely understand they will be busy and probably won’t even care that much but it seems a little thoughtless after I’ve celebrated my friends so much.

For example, last year I decided to quit my corporate job and retrain as a nurse and the year before I bought my own flat. Both big accomplishments for me but my friends didn’t send a card despite me sending them gifts when they bought theirs or got new jobs/promotions. I haven’t received a birthday card either in a few years despite sending them cards and gifts as well as cards and gifts for their children too, only two of them sent an a actual birthday text.

I invited them all to my birthday last year but none could make it due to childcare which is fair enough but always made the effort to attend their birthdays/child birthdays, despite being very busy.

I have one friend who isn’t in the friendships group who is a single mother, I don’t know if that makes a different, whilst the others are married or have partners that will make a effort with me, as well as me making the effort with her, we’ll go out just us without her child or do stuff with the child.

Unlike my friend this friendship group only seems to meet in family friendly places/events. Which can be a bit lonely as they all bring their family along and I’m there alone. When I have suggested an adult day/night they are keen but something always comes up. I don’t mind going to family friendly events but it seems to be all the time, there isn’t a balance. Plus being selfish I don’t want to spend my only day off in that environment. Apart from my friend who is the single mother I have one close friend who is single and child free so can spend time with them doing more adult friendly activities.

Do I just suck this up and accept that I will have to attend these events until the children are much older? Or do I just have shit friends that seem not to be interested in me and make little effort. As much as I like my friends it seems we don’t have much in common anymore and it’s being life long friends that binds us together.

But try doing all that and having kids on top, perhaps those that don’t sleep through the night…

Whilst I know are are trying to give sound advice I don’t agree with the “I don’t understand what it’s like to be exhausted and mentally drained” just because I don’t have children.

I'm a mother and I agree with you completely OP. I DESPISE when people say this and would never ever say it to a child-free person. Everyone deals with different levels of tiredness differently. For me, the tiredness after a night out is the worst ever. 😂

Stay in touch, but make new friends and/or do things that you'd normally have done with them by yourself for a while.
One set of friends that I did see throughout the childhood years, whenever I visited I took sticker books and or colouring books and pencils every time. Children engaged with books/colouring, I got to have a relatively uninterrupted chat with friend.

Shit friends. But I think it's part of what happens when you get older everyone becomes more settled and less interested in their social life or more interested in new friends they've made through work or mum friends. In my friendship group we are all late 20's and I'm the only one with a child I also have a partner, work and carpool to 2849204 different after school clubs most nights but I always try to attend everything and make the effort to see / speak to my friends most days. However over the last year or so I've noticed group events/celebrations now have a lot less attendees due to the fact a few have serious relationships and prefer weekends with their partner or are busy on work nights out or can't afford it due to buying a new house etc. I just let it go your real friends are the ones that will still make time/effort for you no ones 'too busy' to drop a message congratulating you or can't pop and see you for half an hour and if they are then they're not your people.

I have children and have been in a very similar situation where a couple in the friendship group didn’t have children. When our children were young (under 10) it was all consuming and 99% of my life revolved around family and children and other families with children who we met up with etc etc.

We had a very rocky few (10!) years with our child free friends. There were some awkward weekends meet ups where they were obviously frustrated with adult conversations being continually interrupted, all activities being centred around children etc. During that time I cringe to think how many times I didn’t ask properly about their work or lives. In short I was a truly shite friend for that period.

But amazingly they persevered and, now our children are almost grown up, we meet up regularly and spend quality time together. So I guess what I’m saying is, if you think they’re worth hanging on for you might need to take a long term view!!

OP, I know how you feel. I have a mix of friends who are childfree, some who have one or more young kids, and a couple whose youngest ones are now 6, 7 years old.

I find it a bit easier with friends who only have one young child, or whose kids are older. They're generally a bit happier to leave the kid(s) with the other parent, not so much so for the ones who have two or three young ones (understandably). I'm generally happy to meet up in child-friendly environments, but I do miss being able to have a proper conversation without constant 'mummy, mummy' interruptions.

You sound like a lovely friend (much more thoughtful than I am with most of my friends anyway!), but it sounds like your circle of friends are not able to reciprocate. Maybe it's time to step back a little bit? Try to focus on the friend(s) who can go on a night out with you, or try and find new friends who can. You can stay in touch with your current group of friends, but without investing as much of yourself in your friendship with them. Send them a happy birthday text, when it's their childs' birthday rather than attending in person and buying a present. Hopefully, once their kids are a bit older you can have a friendship that's perhaps not as close as it used to be, but that is at least more reciprocal.

When I went back to work after having children, I had to stop doing some things or I would have had a break down. None of my male colleagues or male friends sent cards, texted birthday messages, bought presents, baked, volunteered for school stuff etc. I realised that they got through life just fine without doing all these life admin things, so I ditched all the non essential life admin. I still love my friends just as much and we do try our best to meet regularly in a child free way, but I just can’t manage to do all the little bits that I could do before. Some women can, but they have a lot more energy than me.

Agreed this really irritates me too. I’m a mum and it’s fucking hard but this argument is absolute bollocks.

Completely agree! I hate that attitude.

I have 2 kids and given the job and course OP is describing she is definitely more tired than me!

I'm sat here with a glass of wine, on Mumsnet and what's apping friends as we speak.

I’m talking about my friends though, who work part time or are SAHM. So this doesn’t apply to them. Of course I know they will be tired and exhausted but can imagine it will be harder for those that work full time.

I used to feel like this but I did want children and struggled with fertility. I felt ignored and disregarded during that time and grew apart from some people. I thought that when I had my kid, I might be more interested in hanging around with them and their kids. Turns out I’m less interested than I was before!

I’ve accepted that some friendships don’t last and that’s fine. As life changes, so do the people we’re naturally compatible with. I personally much prefer seeing my friends without our kids there, doing adult things and having adult chats.

I hate it too!

OP it sounds like you understand that their priorities are now different but are expecting just what I'd say is the bare minimum for friends, its sad they can't even be bothered with that (I'm sure they'll be moaning when the children are older that they have no friends as well). Sadly I think it's not so much just because they have children but because they're not great mates.

I have a child, work full time and DH is often away for long periods with work- I still manage to keep in contact with my friends, I still get excited by their achievements and milestones, make the effort to spend time with them (albeit not always as often as I like or doing what I'd like), and care deeply for them. I'm not saying this to seem like I'm amazing or whatever but it's perfectly possible to have children and bother with friends.

I have 2 young children and dome of my friendships have fallen by the wayside. I'm very sad about some, and am hurt by others. But I'm tying my best to keep up with the ones who are willing to put up with me not drinking on nights out anymore, me not staying out till 3am like I used to and generally just not being as available as before.

There's no magical solution. Of course people without children get exhausted and mentally drained. But I can honestly say as a parent I feel like that more than I did when I didn't have children. I think its the relentlessness of it all.

You really are confirming that you just don't understand the stage of life your friends are in at all. And I suspect you never will unless you go through it.

What you've written there is akin to all the threads on here where husband's and partners are complaining about being tired when the mother is up multiple times a night and literally never gets a break. Yet they're getting a full night's sleep, maintaining a hobby and then escaping to work with adults where they can drink a drink/pee in peace.

Also the passing comment implying being a SAHM somehow means they have it easier 😬. If they've got their kids at home it absolutely isn't. It just means they're working their job 14-16 hours 7 days a week with a break for 8 hours of sleep a night if they're very very lucky.

Don't get me wrong - I stand by my statement. If a child free friend didn't want to make an effort with me, I'd totally get it. Our lives are in very different places. And maybe your friends have loads of support so could make more of an effort 🤷

But whilst you are busy and tired, and I do fully believe you're busy and tired. I'm not buying that's you're as busy/tired as the friends you're complaining about, and yet you are complaining about them. Give them a break. You have control over your sleep and your free time, even if you don't have as much of it as you'd like.

I just put my youngest to bed. I now get 1hr free which I need to use to put laundry on and tidy up from the day. Get stuff ready for work and childcare tomorrow. I'll almost certainly get woken up twice tonight between 10.30pm and 6.30am. If I'm very un lucky my youngest will decide he's up for the day at 4.30am or 5.55am (both happened in the past 7 days).

Sorry 2 kids here and hard disagree

That may be where part of the problem is, you sound really busy but you just can’t compare that to having kids, as that’s ‘a job’ that whilst they’re very young or have sen never ends, is relentless and quite simply its not just focusing on your own goals and achievements anymore. Saying your friends ‘only work part time’ or are ‘sham’ makes it sound like your think that the looking after kids bit doesn’t count. Yes they could remember your birthday but most people don’t have the the time, energy or money once they have kids to do loads of fun grown up stuff…

*SAHM

Nah…4 kids here have been both SAHM for 4 years and currently work full time and it’s a hard no from me too.

People are not trying to tell you that you can't be tired or exhausted, they're trying to explain another perspective. You obviously work exceptionally hard but when you go home you can "clock off", and you can sleep through the night uninterrupted, and you get one day a week off. Parents of little kids don't generally have any of that. Working part time or being a SAHM doesn't affect that, because they're still "on" all day, whether it's at work or with the kids. Being a SAHM is a job and the hours are brutal!

I agree that the argument "you don't know what tired is until you have kids!" is ridiculous, of course everyone can be tired. I think it's just a different kind of tired, personally.

That's not true, many many people when they become a parent maintain their friendships. I wonder how many claiming it to be impossible spend time online on MN or whatever yet proclaim they couldn't possibly send a friend a message on their birthday. Feel a bit sorry for people who revolve their lives around their children though, I'd be lost without my friends.

I see it from both sides so I’m 50/50 and I’m the only one out of my friends to (almost, due super soon) have a child. About half don’t want children and the others have said they won’t start thinking about for another few years.

It’s really overwhelming to think about the things I’m going to inevitably miss with out on and how my relationships will change. I can’t imagine not sending them birthday cards and presents although as we get older I’m probably not going to be able to keep track of every holiday/interview/event in their life in the same way I wouldn’t expect them to follow every single detail of my child’s development… but ai really look forward to the long phone call catch ups where we fill each other in!

Because of being the only one with a kid for a few years at least, I’ve really tried to make the effort in local mum groups / nct classes and put myself in a position to make friends with people in a similar position/ life stage to me. I think if I knew I didn’t want children I’d aim to align myself with others who felt similar or try to make friends with other child free people out there, although making friends is easier said than done and I should know!

One thing I think you can do would be to stop sending those birthday cards / putting the effort in where it’s not reciprocated, not saying pull back but saying just don’t put more effort in than them, so resentment doesn’t build and you don’t feel like you’re bending over backwards for them.

I'm the childfree friend in my group and my friends all make the effort. We do a variety of things - coffee at my place, coffee at theirs, lunch in a cafe (either with or without the kids), a childfree night out (they all have partners though).

FWIW op you are unlikely to be as busy as your friends, so I wouldn't start comparing your effort to theirs.

Fucking hell, some posters are just unbelievable 🙄

All childfree people can sleep through the night undisturbed? That’s a pretty big assumption? Ever tried living with crippling anxiety? Or maybe childless but caring full time for a dying family member they care for?
Again person with 4 kids here 👋 and having kids doesn’t make you any more or less immune to fucking exhaustion.

She didn’t say that you don’t understand what it’s like to be exhausted and mentally drained, she said you perhaps cant understand the exhaustion and mental that goes with having children (specifically).

Ive spent a little time on both sides here and can see from both perspectives. People with small children can be incredibly self centred, which is infuriating and not to be excused.
On the other hand, having small children inevitably restricts your life and changes your capacity to manage friendships in profound ways.
Staying friends when one of you has children and the other does not , requires compromise , understanding and forgiveness !