How to navigate being the childfree friend

[Somethingaboutnorma]

Looking for advice not judgement please and on to navigate this. Very long.

Im in my mid 30s as are most of my close friends. Out of my social group of close friends I’m the only one that is childfree/single, by choice.

My friends all starting getting married and having children within the last 5 years, apart from one who had a daughter when she was 20.

My issue is that whilst I understand we have reached different points in our lives and friendships change I can’t help feel I’m being left behind because I’m childfree.

Over the years we’ve always celebrated milestones such as new job/ house/promotion/weddings etc which I’ve made a real effort with such as sending congratulations cards, visits, organising hen dos etc.

But since the children I have come along I can’t help notice that they don’t make an effort anymore. I completely understand they will be busy and probably won’t even care that much but it seems a little thoughtless after I’ve celebrated my friends so much.

For example, last year I decided to quit my corporate job and retrain as a nurse and the year before I bought my own flat. Both big accomplishments for me but my friends didn’t send a card despite me sending them gifts when they bought theirs or got new jobs/promotions. I haven’t received a birthday card either in a few years despite sending them cards and gifts as well as cards and gifts for their children too, only two of them sent an a actual birthday text.

I invited them all to my birthday last year but none could make it due to childcare which is fair enough but always made the effort to attend their birthdays/child birthdays, despite being very busy.

I have one friend who isn’t in the friendships group who is a single mother, I don’t know if that makes a different, whilst the others are married or have partners that will make a effort with me, as well as me making the effort with her, we’ll go out just us without her child or do stuff with the child.

Unlike my friend this friendship group only seems to meet in family friendly places/events. Which can be a bit lonely as they all bring their family along and I’m there alone. When I have suggested an adult day/night they are keen but something always comes up. I don’t mind going to family friendly events but it seems to be all the time, there isn’t a balance. Plus being selfish I don’t want to spend my only day off in that environment. Apart from my friend who is the single mother I have one close friend who is single and child free so can spend time with them doing more adult friendly activities.

Do I just suck this up and accept that I will have to attend these events until the children are much older? Or do I just have shit friends that seem not to be interested in me and make little effort. As much as I like my friends it seems we don’t have much in common anymore and it’s being life long friends that binds us together.

It would have taken less time to order a Moonpig/Funky Pigeon/Thortful card that to write that message. The first two even allow you to set reminders.

I think the problem is your friends not the situation.

My best friends are a group of 3, me being included, 2 of us have children and the other doesn't. We celebrate everything no matter what!

Maybe start looking at your friendships and see if you can find any like minded people.

Apparently childfree people aren’t as busy because we don’t have kids 😂

Don’t worry OP, that’s bollocks and i have loads of kids. Utter bollocks

Yes i plan to just pull back but maintain the friendship

Well I think people with young kids get very absorbed by them, so the only way to stay friends is to be on their level (much like you have to get into their kids level actually) - so you hang out at their house, play with the kids, drink wine when the kids have gone to bed. You have to spend time in your friends lives to have an active friendship with them, and this is the only way. I think this way you will find they do care about your new job, just wouldn’t get their shit together to send a card.

It gradually gets more normal as the kids get older.

You do have to have non kid friends too, so you can go on holiday and have pub lunches and go to gigs and galleries and stuff. (Do not go on holiday with young kids or attend their birthday parties, there are limits).

Jeezo, nobody forces anyone to have kids. If you've got multiple kids and you're exhausted, that was your choice. It's not an excuse to be a shit friend.

Well, to be fair, unless you are caring for someone else and having to consider their needs, your busy is a different type of busy. I know if I only had to think about myself things would be a bit easier. I'd remember more things and most definitely be more available.

I've lost count of the amount of threads where childfree people point out they are living their best lives.

so you can go on holiday and have pub lunches and go to gigs and galleries and stuff.

I mean people with children can do these things? I've had days out when DS was at nursery or school and I had annual leave, DH when he's home is more than capable as an equal parent to look after their child some days at weekends/evenings. Sure there's not the same flexibility and there are definitely compromises to be made and an understanding that things are likely to change- but it's a bit odd to assume you'd need a different set of friends to do any of those.

On competitive tiredness working 12+ hour night shifts is the most exhausted I've ever been pre or post children. They're bloody brutal.

Glad to see some parents get it. I’m child free and I have battled insomnia past couple of years, at one point I was sleeping 2-4 hours per night and that was it. Couldn’t even manage to force myself to nap. It’s been much better past few months thankfully but I know people with 2020 newborns who have had more sleep than me over the last 2-3 years!

OP, I think while it’s important to understand priorities change perhaps pull back on some things so it’s more of an equal friendship . I was remembering close friends with multiple kids birthday dates and buying presents and attending parties at soft play for them whereas she would completely forget my birthday year on year let alone think of getting me a present. I stopped it a few years ago, now the most I give is a birthday text for her kids sent to her. I feel much more at peace about it.

I have been though this. And I lost some friends. A close friendship has survived. I love her kids and her daughter is now a teen who comes to lunch with us and tells us all about school and boys. So that is lovely.

during the baby and toddler years I did go to play cafes and swimming pools and parks a lot! I enjoyed spending g time with my friend. And the kids know me well and are comfortable around me. We now get to go to grown up restaurants without the kids - but that took years!

a few other friends got obsessed with their mummy friends.

bit other things change too. I did really well I work and know I lost one friend mainly due to that.

people change and grow over the years. Real friendships will survive the changes.

I’m confirming it because I said childfree people can be just as tired as parents? And that I won’t understand it unless I go through it? Ah come on. Parents don’t have the monopoly to say who is allowed to be tired or exhausted. I work with doctors and nurses that save lives, who work 15 hour shifts. Are they not allowed to be tired?

I don’t have any issue with my friends having children at all but it’s comments from people like you, that think they are superior because you have children and no one can be as busy as parents. You not buying am as busy as my friends is laughable. You have no idea what their lives are like. Are the help they get.

How do you know I have control over my sleep and free time? How do you know that I don’t have a chronic health condition or am a carer.

Your points are not valid. You just assume I am as not as busy as you when really you know nothing

Okay. You completely missed the overall point of my post but nitpicked that I said "you can" rather than "you may be able to". Is that better? I'm clearly talking in generalities, because I don't know the OP or her friends.

I'm not an idiot, I know there are many reasons why people might lose sleep. That's clearly not the point I was making. I just said it's a different kind of tired.

it doesn’t always work like that. I love kids and I used to work with kids too so it was natural for me to be like that because I genuinely wanted to support them and I find kids a lot of fun! I have been to soft plays, kids parties at various locations, bring presents or treats when I visit their house , take them out for lunches and days out with or without parents, babysit or at least offer to and for the most part my friends are brilliant and have been decent to me as well and not ignored my achievements or interests. However there are one or two who definitely have, despite all I’ve poured into their children’s lives over the years. By the sounds of it these are the kind of friends OP is referring to.

Oh and happy to say my friends with kids definitely go to galleries and brunches with me too! Even holidays :)

I personally think your friends are shit. I have 2 kids, 2 and 5. The 2 y/o is SUCH hard work and an utterly horrific sleeper. I am on ADs, I just got a promotion at work a month ago and am flat out full time, but I dont forget anything for my best friend.

She is childless though not the only one in our group. I would never not celebrate any of her achievements. I'm sorry your friends are awful.

Exactly this. My SIL has four kids, works full time and yet still manages to see/make effort with her friends. She isnt on MN though, scanning through threads so that might explain why she has more time.

nah I just think the argument of folk with kids holding the gold medal of exhaustion completely shortsighted, it’s a big world out there.

YES to this 🥰❤️

I agree. I didn't make that argument ☺️

This says it all really, you have absolutely no idea what it’s like being a parent even a SAHM who you assume isn’t that busy.

Being a parent is a 24 hour job, you can’t go home and switch off, even when the kids are in bed you could be spending hours going back and forth for what ever reason. Cleaning shit and puke through the night, dealing with nightmares and fevers…

I was that single child free friend until my late 30s, I worked full time, went to uni had work and social functions, I was never as tired and mentally drained until I had kids.

Then you have to navigate not just your own friends and family but your husband or partners family and friends. And after all that you also have to navigate your children’s friends and enable them to have a social life and build friendships which you actively need to manage. It’s no longer about me and my friends any more.

You’ve said yourself, it’s YOUR CHOICE to be single and child free your going to be far more dependent on those friendships than they are now.

Im assuming your single mother friend has support one way or another to be able to meet up in child free places? I have single parent friends, they have way more free time than me as their children will spend time away from home with their other parent, they get a break, I don’t, it’s 24/7 all the time. Right now we (DH & I) get one day a week free of any kind of activity or event, except the last few months we’ve lost that too with one child doing extra activities on a Sunday and family event after event every single week, this started in March and will go onto the end of July. By which time it will be school holidays and I already have a list of child play dates and commitments I need to try and organise in those weeks.

Other things you need to think about is money, going out and socialising with friends is absolutely not a priority for us. I’m a SAHM and to enable that to happen we live extremely frugally, DH and I very rarely go out, we don’t have people we can leave our children with so it would be one or the other going out, we have to ensure our budget allows for a night out, for me maybe twice a year, DH tends to be his Christmas do. Spending even £60 on a night out is a big deal for us, you’d never know to look at us from the outside and we’d never tell anyone irl but we would be sacrificing treats at home or a family outing for me to meet friends on my own.

As for birthdays and special occasions, I was the one who always remembered, went big on events, now I’m asked my child’s dob and I struggle to remember it. I even celebrated one of my children’s birthday on the wrong day because I got the day of the month muffled up with another one of my children’s birthdays. I could tell you one of my oldest friends birthdays, I’ve known her since we were 5yo, I remember because her birthday is 8 days after my DDs, her Goddaughter, so I know I will see her on my DDs birthday and will also have a card for her, my best friend and one other friend but only because their birthdays are exactly one and two weeks before mine. We use to do a big this every year, that dose not happen now. I use to work in financial services, now I couldn’t even tell you my DHs phone number because my mind is no longer the streamlined elegant think tank it once was, I have to literally put everything in my calendar including needing to call the Dr to order my prescriptions, the fact I can see they are running out isn’t enough, I have to be reminded at the right time when the prescription line is open otherwise I won’t remember.

I kept my friends throughout the small kids stage by going to them.

Often for lunch at the weekend or an after work weeknight meal. I know this put a burden on them as they often cooked. I would take along desert (home made or bought), and when the kids were very little a lasagna or something. I once turned up to a close friends with food for Saturday night to find out I was basically catering a dinner party of all her childless friends.

In return for their hospitality I often helped with bath and bed. Trips to the park etc. It wasn't always very exciting (sorry!). Most of my friends didn't have ready family support so I helped out with the odd bit of baby sitting in the evening, support during hairdressers appts etc (I work shifts and had weekday time off), cover for sprog A while sprog B was born etc. As the kids got bigger I'd cover some childcare and do nursery and school drop offs/ pick ups.

The kids are now mostly teenagers. I still see the parents. Often in the evening. With booze. And in a restaurant.

But.... I also see the kids - sometimes with their parents and sometimes without and these are relationships I cherish. I love being the cool "not" auntie. I love the fact that 13-17year olds take the time to text me and tell me about their triumphs, dating disasters and when they saw a cool bit of Hello Kitty merch.

But.... I'm now older (mid 40s) and I get tired more readily and I do considerably less spade work for my friends who had their kids later. Partly as my own social circle has expanded so I've got less time and partly because I find little kids really tiring and have got used to going out with children who can be trusted to reply honestly when you ask them if they need the loo and if they do the most effort you need to put in is waiting outside!

I don’t think you do understand.
I worked 70 hours a week with shift work in a hugely stressful environment. I thought kids would be manageable as I am used to being tired . It is a totally different ball game. Sleep deprivation lasts years and is horrific . When you are child free you can switch off. Having kids is relentless. Sending cards is not a priority at all. My friends know I love them and I would usually send a text for a birthday. New house / job? No….

Well no it's not fair to assume childfree people are not as busy as parents. How could anyone without knowing someone's live assume that. But yes, on top of my job, placement and uni I also care for someone, so yeah i am really busy. And i did not mention anything about living my best life whilst childfree, but guess it's just the same as parents saying "you'll never know love until you have a child." Both are two separate things and you cant compare them

These threads always make me so sad. Have a DC with complex health issues, and can go for weeks and weeks without anything like a night’s sleep. Work has been my easiest commitment. I always just hope that my friends remember that I wasn’t a shit friend before this, and give me the benefit of the doubt that I still care about them.

We can’t know if your friends are shit or totally drowning (whatever IG or FB says) or if you are just at different stages in your lives with different expectations.

Yes you are right. Kind of disproves her point that she's too busy to make an effort with friends