How to navigate being the childfree friend

[Somethingaboutnorma]

Looking for advice not judgement please and on to navigate this. Very long.

Im in my mid 30s as are most of my close friends. Out of my social group of close friends I’m the only one that is childfree/single, by choice.

My friends all starting getting married and having children within the last 5 years, apart from one who had a daughter when she was 20.

My issue is that whilst I understand we have reached different points in our lives and friendships change I can’t help feel I’m being left behind because I’m childfree.

Over the years we’ve always celebrated milestones such as new job/ house/promotion/weddings etc which I’ve made a real effort with such as sending congratulations cards, visits, organising hen dos etc.

But since the children I have come along I can’t help notice that they don’t make an effort anymore. I completely understand they will be busy and probably won’t even care that much but it seems a little thoughtless after I’ve celebrated my friends so much.

For example, last year I decided to quit my corporate job and retrain as a nurse and the year before I bought my own flat. Both big accomplishments for me but my friends didn’t send a card despite me sending them gifts when they bought theirs or got new jobs/promotions. I haven’t received a birthday card either in a few years despite sending them cards and gifts as well as cards and gifts for their children too, only two of them sent an a actual birthday text.

I invited them all to my birthday last year but none could make it due to childcare which is fair enough but always made the effort to attend their birthdays/child birthdays, despite being very busy.

I have one friend who isn’t in the friendships group who is a single mother, I don’t know if that makes a different, whilst the others are married or have partners that will make a effort with me, as well as me making the effort with her, we’ll go out just us without her child or do stuff with the child.

Unlike my friend this friendship group only seems to meet in family friendly places/events. Which can be a bit lonely as they all bring their family along and I’m there alone. When I have suggested an adult day/night they are keen but something always comes up. I don’t mind going to family friendly events but it seems to be all the time, there isn’t a balance. Plus being selfish I don’t want to spend my only day off in that environment. Apart from my friend who is the single mother I have one close friend who is single and child free so can spend time with them doing more adult friendly activities.

Do I just suck this up and accept that I will have to attend these events until the children are much older? Or do I just have shit friends that seem not to be interested in me and make little effort. As much as I like my friends it seems we don’t have much in common anymore and it’s being life long friends that binds us together.

I’m also single, childfree by choice and mid 30s and know exactly how you feel, I have felt this way for some time. At first it really stung. Then I realised that my friends were effectively giving me permission to put myself first, too.
So now, if I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. I save up my money to go on group holidays for single travellers, and if that means I can’t make it to their baby shower or whatever, that’s too bad. I am allowed priorities too. I actually have found that my friendships have benefitted from this approach as I feel less resentful, and they take me less for granted (or that’s how it feels).
Feel free to dm me if you like :)

One thing worth thinking about op, they chose to have children, but that choice involves accepting that they won’t have as much time to socialize. You chose not to have children and that seems like you want to socialize more, their choice wasn’t because of you, nor will their feelings overwhelm and exhaustion change because you want them to put you first. My child free friend wants me to put her high up the priority list, and she just can’t be anymore. Just like I don’t expect to be high up her list.

I get that it’s exasperating, but they aren’t going to change their behavior, so you can keep trying or find new friends.

Just stop bothering. They’ll either come back when the kids are 25 (at which point you can either resume friendship or not) or they’ll realise you’ve disappeared and will make more effort.

Fair warning, I tried this on all of the friends that had babies and not one of them noticed, so chances are you’ll probably never hear from them again.

A lot of parents seem to decide that because they’ve had kids, everyone else’s stuff goes on hold. Best not to go along with it. They sound like crap friends.

Thank you. Would love a friend like you. And you’re right about owing it. I should have said at the start that these friends are constantly posting on social media yet can’t send a text on my birthday which I found thoughtless and has nothing to do with being tired.

I hesitate to say this but, unless you've been there you really don't get it. This applies to all kinds of things, e.g. I've never done shift work so I can't truly understand the exhaustion and juggling that goes on there. Having children is all consuming when they're young, whether you have a partner or not.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I would absolutely have made time to send my condolences to a friend grieving. But what the OP is asking seems ongoing and pretty high maintenance tbf. I'd be shocked if my friends sent me a card for a promotion lol. A congrats on a house move, yes. Birthday if they remember. Of course all friendships are different but as I said, it sounds like her friends are in a different stage of life now and rightly or wrongly she isn't a priority. OP I'm sorry, it's hard.

Jayney mack, that's a bit rough! I have a kid but she's not my whole life, my best friend is child free and i love her to bits.

Me and my partner split the nights - so I get up throughout the night until 4.30am, he gets up after 4.30am. I'm on mat leave and he works full-time.

He also takes over looking after the baby when he gets home from work for a few hours. During this time I shower, wash and sterilise bottles, wash baby's clothes, prep pureed food for her.

It's still 24/7 though, even with my partner helping loads. Granted our baby is quite young, so I imagine it'll get easier. But I definitely don't not have help from my DP. If anything he's probably busier than me considering he also works full time

This is great advice. I did book a solo travelling group holiday and was looking forward to meeting like minded people but it was cancelled due to covid. But I shall take your advice. Good luck in the future

I get what you’re saying. I don’t want them to put me first at all I know their children are their priority but just to make more of an effort I guess. Nothing big just a happy birthday text. It’s hard when you make such an effort with your friends and their kids and you don’t get anything back. But I guess we have different lives now. I will continue the friendship but not make an effort like I use too

Find some new friends. Some of them will drift back in time once kids are older but I found exactly the same when my friends all had kids at the same time and myself and DP were suddenly excluded from everything. Even if you did manage to meet up it would always be zero conversation and all about the kid! It hurt at the time but I cut loose several and have lots of other good friends regardless!

My friend literally just text me to say she wants to do something with me for my birthday. I don’t want her to. I want to have a small cake with DH and DD and a quiet evening. I wish she hadn’t text me! I am exhausted from navigating a really tough situation with DD school, my in laws are in town and I just want to have quiet time on my own. Friend is trying to do something really nice, but all she has done is add a layer of guilt to me because I had to shoot her down AND because I know I’ll forget her birthday too when it comes around. I’d rather we all just forgot each others 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t say I was high maintenance for expecting a happy birthday text from life long friends. When my friends all bought houses/got new jobs/graduated I did send cards so just thought that they would do the same when I bought my house. And yes even cards for promotions! But I do suspect we are in different places and there isn’t going to be a comprise so I’ll be taking a step back but still maintain the friendship.

Maybe take a second to set up an alert on your phone for your friend's birthday? Or add it to your calendar?

Your friends should make an effort but if they are otherwise good people and their DC are very young I'd give them some grace - once children are at school life changes dramatically and they will have more headspace.

I was definitely guilty of deprioritising friendships when my DC were babies/toddlers. Not on purpose, it was simply that I was completely overwhelmed, sleep deprived and had serious marriage issues going on behind the scenes. It was an incredibly difficult time and I struggled to retain information like birthdays etc. I'd try to set reminders but would still at times forget. However, I would be incredibly apologetic and try to make up for it. No one knew how much I was struggling, even now I'm out the other side I still never told anyone. I'm sure I pissed off some close friends. My best friend in particular. She is also childfree and we both took time to readjust to our change in dynamic but I'm so so glad she held in there as my DC are at school now and our friendship is back to normal - I also go overboard with presents etc now to make up for my shitty ways - if your friends do the same that may be some payoff OP 😄

Thanks for all your replies.

There is a lot of good advice on here!

I should have said at the start that the friends that didn’t text happy birthday were posting on SM that day so they would have seen it was my birthday. To me this was quite thoughtless especially as I have always send cards/presents to them on theirs and their kids birthdays every year.

I’m going to continue the friendships but not make an effort like I use too. So no more cards or presents. I still like them but friendship is two ways and I don’t want to invest my time in something that isn’t reciprocated. It might get on track after the kids have grown up who knows. I might even been too busy for them.

The general consensus was that I had shit friends. To a certain point I agree. It’s not nice to make such an effort and not get anything back. No comprise on social events and constant cancelling. But I also understand that being a parent is hard. However, just because you’re a parent doesn’t excuse you to be a shit friend. Yes you are busy and yes it’s hard but a simple text on a good friends birthday takes ten seconds.

For all the mothers out there who still make the effort with their friends despite being a busy parent I wish you were my friend. Really hope your single/childfree friends know special.

And for the others who said that my parent friends were just too busy, or I wasn’t as busy as them, or wouldn’t know what it’s like until I have kids. I suspect you are the “shit friends” and you know it. Wouldn’t be surprised if you write a thread of your own once the kids have grown up asking why you have no friends.

You are a very busy person and should be proud of yourself. But what you describe is very different from being a parent. And that's what a few people are trying to explain.

I am going to make the assumption that you are quite good at your university work. That you work long hours but ultimately a successful and smart person. And with that you have a sense of control..... You have the mental energy to organise things outside of work. The time to spend my yourself.

I have had a lifestyle a bit like yours but having kids is a little different in the sense that you are always on. And for those less organised people it can feel very overwhelming (that's a much better word than exhausted).

Why?....Kids can be intense and emotional. And of course you are deeply connected to their emotions. You are always responsible. You can always do more. And in the early years you have a ton of hormones.

My point is that what you are doing is much harder than having kids in many many ways. But uni work, work, study.... It's all structured, so that you have managed to have a day to "live life and study".

Some mums are naturals. Many of us aren't. We are certainly no better or special than childless people. But some mums find it tough, overwhelming. You are good at your studies and are in control. Many mums are getting by,...

They probably aren't bad people, they probably care about you..... They are probably struggling to find the balance and structure that you have mastered.

i hope the details explain what other posters have alluded to. You replies are often to the effect of but "I'm busy too", and you totally are.... But it's different

since the children I have come along I can’t help notice that they don’t make an effort anymore

I think you really need to widen your friendship circle rather than stay just with people whose priorities have changed.

I'm childfree and for my twenties and thirties I really was only close to people who didn't have DC. In our forties, their DC grew up and went to Uni, and the parents drifted back into my social circle. All seemingly without my noticing.

Good luck.

You should also consider where they are on their parenting journey. There can be tiredness like no other in the first 6 months of a child's life. Some parents struggle with sleep until their child is 4 or 5. Sleep deprivation is recognised as a form of torture.

If you want to experience that you can. It's nothing like doing one all nighter for a deadline. You would have to keep it up for weeks. If you get it, you probably won't function well at work.

I think empathising with your friends can really help your relationship.

If reciprocating is important then your friends might feel relieved if the pressure is taken off.

They might really appreciate the idea of a quick coffee catch up or a phone call. Reduce the pressure and expectations on them. Allow them to talk about how they feel

This really is unfair, isin’t it?
Single/childfree give so much and get nothing in return.
On top of that, they get treated like scum of the earth and a afterthought.
There really should be a yearly celebration to single/childfree people for some compensation.

YANBU OP.
It suck and it’s painfull.
I know pp said you should just wait (for years!!) to see if they come around, well that’s not friendship, is it?
Put yourself in the back burner for the time they MIGHT wake-ip and see how selfish they’ve been? No way!

I don’t know the answer. But what I’ve learn to to do was to take some distance, I got ready to the fact that they’re going to be very selfish.
I didn’t go to every celebration and was carefull how much money/time I soend on them, because I knew it wasn’t going to be returned.
Kind of like give what you get.
Don’t do / go the extra mile for people who won’t do it for you.
Give back the same energy.

It hurts, I know.
Sorry op. It’s a lonely feeling….

I just can't believe people think of their 'friends' this way. You just say "ah thanks for thinking of me, I have plans already but it'd be really lovely to do something soon" and then set a calendar reminder for her birthday. Creating resentment that they dare to consider your birthday is just bizarre and shows either what kind of friend you are or how little you think of them and nought to do with having children.

I can't imagine how nice it would be to finish work at 5pm or 7pm and then have HOURS of evening off every night. Plus a whole night to sleep uninterrupted!

I don't understand this as every single person who goes on to have children has had a period of being child free and so has experienced this. I don't get the faux omg I can't even imagine.

Yep. This is just lazy. It's seconds of your time. Seconds to maintain a friendship that you're going to be wanting to resume at some point.
Or just forget about her and don't be surprised when she starts to "forget" you.

When you're tired and child free, you can have a nap whenever you like, go to bed early, sleep through.

When you have children, those things aren't automatic. Plus caring for your kids is exhausting emotionally, mentally and physically. That's the difference in tiredness.

I don't know why childfree people struggle with understanding this. Every person who has children has had experience of NOT having children, and can compare their before to their after. Yet childfree people only have the experience of being childfree, yet scoff at the experience of people who actually know what both sides of the coin are like.

I love that this thread has turned into competitive exhaustion😂😂😂.

it’s like when teachers complain they are the hardest working folk in the world and no one has to work longer hours😂😂😂

It's always the same. No one is ever as busy, as mentally exhausted, as tired with no room for anything else in their head space than posters on threads on MN explaining away why they're crap friends.

I wonder how much crossover there is between the "I don't have time to send a text on my friend's birthday" people and the "My husband and I haven't had a night out in 5 years, we have absolutely no outside help" people.