How to navigate being the childfree friend

[Somethingaboutnorma]

Looking for advice not judgement please and on to navigate this. Very long.

Im in my mid 30s as are most of my close friends. Out of my social group of close friends I’m the only one that is childfree/single, by choice.

My friends all starting getting married and having children within the last 5 years, apart from one who had a daughter when she was 20.

My issue is that whilst I understand we have reached different points in our lives and friendships change I can’t help feel I’m being left behind because I’m childfree.

Over the years we’ve always celebrated milestones such as new job/ house/promotion/weddings etc which I’ve made a real effort with such as sending congratulations cards, visits, organising hen dos etc.

But since the children I have come along I can’t help notice that they don’t make an effort anymore. I completely understand they will be busy and probably won’t even care that much but it seems a little thoughtless after I’ve celebrated my friends so much.

For example, last year I decided to quit my corporate job and retrain as a nurse and the year before I bought my own flat. Both big accomplishments for me but my friends didn’t send a card despite me sending them gifts when they bought theirs or got new jobs/promotions. I haven’t received a birthday card either in a few years despite sending them cards and gifts as well as cards and gifts for their children too, only two of them sent an a actual birthday text.

I invited them all to my birthday last year but none could make it due to childcare which is fair enough but always made the effort to attend their birthdays/child birthdays, despite being very busy.

I have one friend who isn’t in the friendships group who is a single mother, I don’t know if that makes a different, whilst the others are married or have partners that will make a effort with me, as well as me making the effort with her, we’ll go out just us without her child or do stuff with the child.

Unlike my friend this friendship group only seems to meet in family friendly places/events. Which can be a bit lonely as they all bring their family along and I’m there alone. When I have suggested an adult day/night they are keen but something always comes up. I don’t mind going to family friendly events but it seems to be all the time, there isn’t a balance. Plus being selfish I don’t want to spend my only day off in that environment. Apart from my friend who is the single mother I have one close friend who is single and child free so can spend time with them doing more adult friendly activities.

Do I just suck this up and accept that I will have to attend these events until the children are much older? Or do I just have shit friends that seem not to be interested in me and make little effort. As much as I like my friends it seems we don’t have much in common anymore and it’s being life long friends that binds us together.

Tbh they sound like shit friends. I have kids and still manage to see friends and celebrate their accomplishments. Always send cards etc, I don't see how having kids stops you doing them things.

I really wanted to make the effort with my childfree best friend but it ended in us both growing completely apart.

It happens and I think we may rekindle our friendship later down the line. I wasn't selfish. She wasn't. Things she wanted to do were impossible financially and practically for me. Things I wanted to do were most probably completely dull for her.

Don't assume they are crap. Just they have fallen into the bubble which is having children.

I’m sure I’ve read a really similar post before. I still try and celebrate new jobs and big events with friends, but for the past 7/8 years I’ve had small DC, and it’s hard. Im coming out of that phase now, as are most of my friends, and we are all booking much more adult things again and planning things, and just seeing each other more.

So they should be making an effort, but also, hang on if they are good friends, this stage doesn’t last forever.

I find myself massively overwhelmed by having 2 children and barely make it through the day some days.

I don't have the headspace to be worrying about the things you're describing wanting from your friends. But my friends wouldn't know. Very few people know other than my DH.

FWIW op you are unlikely to be as busy as your friends, so I wouldn't start comparing your effort to theirs. Since having kids I now effectively work 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. Me and DH have full time jobs and no family help. It's utterly miserable and relentless at times. Currently DC are 1 and 3, I suspect it'll improve drastically in a couple of years or so.

Not saying this excuses anything. But I know I wouldn't blame a childless friend if they stopped making the effort with me. I'd totally understand and get it.

Maybe you could cool things for few years Op? Let them reach out in the future or reach out yourself once the kids are older.

Well that’s what I thought. My single friend who has a child never forgets to send cards etc. Was funny though my friend (in the friendship group)was having a baby shower a while back, I couldn’t go as I had work that weekend but she seemed a bit miffed about it. Despite not making the effort to celebrate my achievements.

I'm a few years further on than you, but not with the confidence to trade the corporate job for something I've got a passion for, so well done on that.

I've had to make a few decisions, which haven't come easy :

• the old saying about friends being there for a season or a reason. Meaning some friendships will naturally end, others will ebb & flow, or may be stronger when you've got the "thing" in common (or not). Some friendships will survive a "cooling" whilst one has their kids, others don't cool off so much .... other friendships won't survive.
• some friends are worth meeting at the soft-play centre cafe on a Saturday afternoon, some not - only you know
• which friends would be devastated to hear how you feel just now, i.e. genuinely value your friendship and would hate the idea you feel left out (however real or perceived that is)? Which wouldn't really mind? Setting aside obviously that their children will always be their priority.
• Realise it's not just about having kids or not as that can be a heavy burden to put on a friendship .... simply it's just that your lives aren't aligned at the moment. And the mis-alignment could easily be new relationship / job progression / moving away etc

As much as it sounds trite, you can't force action on their behalf, but you can decide what you want for your life. Do you want to develop other social groups? Do you want to accept these friendships might not have so regular catch-ups, texts conversations will be sporadic ... but you know they would still drop everything (except literally the baby) if you needed them? Decide what's acceptable for you.

I guess it happens. Maybe it will improve in the future.

id say they sound quite rubbish. Although in my friendship group I wouldn’t expect a card for a new job or house. Maybe worth just letting them gently go for a bit and focus on other hobbies/interests?

It's crap that they can't text you happy birthday, but on the other hand, they just can't see friends as much as they used to any more - that's what happens when you have children. Kids take up all your time, money, energy, everything.

I'm on the other side of this as I'm the only person in the friend group with kids. My friends are lovely people and always include me in invitations, which I really appreciate. Before kids I'd say yes to pretty much all invitations, but nowadays I can only say yes to maybe one in five. Even then, that's with child friendly things in the mix. If the invitations were always adult only, I'd be able to say yes even less, and then if I'm honest I'd probably start to feel annoyed that they were never prepared to compromise for me. So it works two ways imo.

That said, it's rubbish to keep cancelling on you so I do wonder if your friends are stepping back from nights out etc in general. If I were you I'd focus on doing adult things with your child free friends, and then maybe see the parents in the daytime for coffees etc. If you get talking and they fancy a night out etc then great, but you could let them lead on any adult-only plans and see what happens. And don't send cards etc if they don't send them to you!

In fact I appreciate how much my child free friends put into our friendship. DC always get Christmas and birthday cards/presents, I've had a hen party, wedding, baby shower (all enthusiastically attended or even organised by my friends).

My sister is single and child free and jokes she might just marry herself to recoup some of the time, money, love and care put into the life events of married friends and friends with kids 🤣

It can be really tough sometimes most of my close friends don’t have kids, I still see them often but don’t make every night out as it’s not possible but I’d ALWAYS celebrate their achievements! New jobs new houses, meeting for lunch, going for drinks etc. we’ve even managed a few nights away 🥳. I think your mummy friends do need to make more of an effort with you. Maybe they just don’t see it, are you close enough to let them know your feelings? Your achievements and milestones are just as important a relevant as someone’s with kids x

They are good friends so I’ll just have to stick it out a bit longer. Thanks

They have different priorities now. I’d always prioritize family time with my DC over friends, sorry! Life is busy with work and so weekends are for the DC.

They do sound a bit shit. No excuse for forgetting your birthday or not even bothering to send a card. That is just lazy. Nothing to do with being parents.

I’m a widowed mum and I would imagine your single friend has a greater need for adult company/connection than your friends who have partners. I find single people make more effort to maintain friendships whereas partnered friends are consumed in their family bubble.

As a child free person I think you have enormous scope to get out there and find what you need. I wouldn’t get too hung up on counting the lack of cards etc - note the lack of effort, let yourself grieve it and get out there and find what you need with people who have space for you.

I completely understand what you’re saying but to say I’m probably not as busy as them is a presumption. I’m at uni two days, on placement three days and then work one day a have one day off to study/live my life. And the mothers in my friendship group either work part time or are SAHM. Whilst my single mother friend works full time and still makes the effort. So it’s not about how busy they are.

But I think I’ll just let them reach out to me as I still want to be friends but won’t invest in it as much as I have done

Do you not miss your friends? My family are everything to me but I couldn’t imagine blocking out my friends, the people that have been so important my whole life. I always make time for them and for myself. It makes me sad so sad to think of losing them to anything family included. My DH loves to see me making time for my friends. And I love to see him making time for his. Life is busy but friendships are so important.

The problem I had was that I didn't have enough childcare to keep up multiple friendships, attend 10 different birthdays a year, etc. I can do a Saturday morning in a park or Sunday lunch at a kid-friendly pub as I'm then looking for something to do with DS anyway. It isn't personal.

And the thing is - a "work" day for me may be 9 to 5 but one of us is up with DS at 5.30am and from 5pm onwards we have 3 more hours of amusing a 4 year old. I am knackered. All day, every day. I'm hoping when he's about 7 this will be easier...

Thanks! This is great advice. I don’t want to just drop them as they are good friends but I will be stepping back with how much effort I make. And like you said I can’t force them to make effort. I don’t think they’re doing it in a malicious way, probably wouldn’t even occur to them I feel like this. But will take your advice onboard.

I have 3 children and I’m about to go to bed (having just finished feeding the youngest). I don’t think until you’ve had children you can fully appreciate the exhaustion and mental load that goes with it.

I’ve just gone back to work following mat leave and I’m even more tired which I didn’t think possible.

I touch wood haven’t forgotten a friend’s birthday yet, but I don’t think I’d think to send a card for a new job. The mental admin associated with holding down a job and remembering everything needed for your children (especially when they start school) has even the most competent of mothers missing the deadline for ordering school lunches, or sending their child in in school uniform on PE day.

Then there’s the fact that lots of people don’t have childcare to go out lots child free, or maybe they just can’t face a late night knowing they’ll be up at the crack of dawn.

I’m sure your true friends do value you, but there might just not be the time / mental capacity to be the friend you want right now.

I can just about manage a WhatsApp message to my friends when I see on Facebook that it's their birthday. We've never done big celebrations about new jobs so I might send a message if they told me before I saw it on LinkedIn. But I work full time, have two small children, try to see my DPs and PILs a few times a year, try to keep on top of life admin, keep the house halfway tidy. The kids are up by 6am and bedtime isn't wrapped up until 8pm, and the little one still wakes up at least once a night, so I'm permanently exhausted. I forget something every time I leave the house. I've not had a night out in two years. My weekends are almost entirely child focussed as we've moved house and I want to help them settle.
If your friends are anything like me then they will really really want to be better friends but they will also have zero space in their heads for anything that isn't on the daily mental list required to keep the children alive, vaguely clean and mostly entertained, and keep their heads above water at work. They will also feel bad that they are not the best partners they could be, not the best mothers they could be and not the best colleague/boss they could be, so please don't actively make them feel bad about not being the best friend they could be. They almost certainly know they are not but they simply cannot fit more in.

Their priorities have changed... friendships change.

Hi OP,

I’ve been in a very similar boat - three things I’ve learned

• to grow a thicker skin - it hurt like hell when I began to be left out of meet ups of my group of close friends…because they were coupled up and having babies and I wasn’t. I don’t think it was intentional. It didn’t stop it hurting. But ultimately that only upset me so….
• to make other friends - friends with similar busy work and childfree lifestyles have been really important to me. Mainstream society centres those who have children a lot…but many people don’t (check out Jane Austen, Helen Mirren etc etc) and have brilliant lives and time for you and your brilliant life so seek them out
• to bide your time. I get it. Friends who have newborns and toddlers…that’s their world. I notice those who value keeping contact with me, and some of those who don’t so much…maybe we’ll circle back in 10 or 20 years time. I’m a big believer in there being friends for seasons.

your post resonated with me and I wish you all the best

It is very frustrating and I'm sorry you feel that way. For context, I was the friend who always sent cards and presents for every little (or big) thing in my friends' lives. And now admittedly since have a child I don't. Honestly there is a variety of factors... Sometimes we are so broke I would prefer to spend the cost of getting a present delivered on something for the family. Sometimes I forget (in which case I will send a text when I remember, I've only forgotten a birthday text once!). Sometimes time gets away from me.

I have good support so do have childcare available for some adult nights out. Some I go on, some I don't again for a variety of reasons... Having to deal with a child with a hungover level of tiredness is tough, and again the cost of a night out could be better spent for us sometimes.

I still really care about my friends, and assume this will all improve in a few years. I still value them a lot and often feel guilty. I would understand if some of them cut me off or took a step back in the friendship!

I think it's unfair to keep comparing them to your single mother friend! Everyone manages everything differently.

Sorry, dunno if this is of any help to you! 💕

Whilst I know are are trying to give sound advice I don’t agree with the “I don’t understand what it’s like to be exhausted and mentally drained” just because I don’t have children. I worked a corporate job for 15 years so know what’s it’s like to feel exhausted and now training as a nurse working 4x 12.5 hour shifts on top of uni days so yes I know what it’s like to be mentally drained. It’s like saying you don’t know how tired you are until you have kids. So childfree people can’t be tired or busy?

But I do get what you’re saying. I do feel there needs to be a balance though.