How to navigate being the childfree friend

[Somethingaboutnorma]

Looking for advice not judgement please and on to navigate this. Very long.

Im in my mid 30s as are most of my close friends. Out of my social group of close friends I’m the only one that is childfree/single, by choice.

My friends all starting getting married and having children within the last 5 years, apart from one who had a daughter when she was 20.

My issue is that whilst I understand we have reached different points in our lives and friendships change I can’t help feel I’m being left behind because I’m childfree.

Over the years we’ve always celebrated milestones such as new job/ house/promotion/weddings etc which I’ve made a real effort with such as sending congratulations cards, visits, organising hen dos etc.

But since the children I have come along I can’t help notice that they don’t make an effort anymore. I completely understand they will be busy and probably won’t even care that much but it seems a little thoughtless after I’ve celebrated my friends so much.

For example, last year I decided to quit my corporate job and retrain as a nurse and the year before I bought my own flat. Both big accomplishments for me but my friends didn’t send a card despite me sending them gifts when they bought theirs or got new jobs/promotions. I haven’t received a birthday card either in a few years despite sending them cards and gifts as well as cards and gifts for their children too, only two of them sent an a actual birthday text.

I invited them all to my birthday last year but none could make it due to childcare which is fair enough but always made the effort to attend their birthdays/child birthdays, despite being very busy.

I have one friend who isn’t in the friendships group who is a single mother, I don’t know if that makes a different, whilst the others are married or have partners that will make a effort with me, as well as me making the effort with her, we’ll go out just us without her child or do stuff with the child.

Unlike my friend this friendship group only seems to meet in family friendly places/events. Which can be a bit lonely as they all bring their family along and I’m there alone. When I have suggested an adult day/night they are keen but something always comes up. I don’t mind going to family friendly events but it seems to be all the time, there isn’t a balance. Plus being selfish I don’t want to spend my only day off in that environment. Apart from my friend who is the single mother I have one close friend who is single and child free so can spend time with them doing more adult friendly activities.

Do I just suck this up and accept that I will have to attend these events until the children are much older? Or do I just have shit friends that seem not to be interested in me and make little effort. As much as I like my friends it seems we don’t have much in common anymore and it’s being life long friends that binds us together.

Why did you post then if you weren’t open to hearing how things might look from another (perhaps your friends’?) perspective?

You seem to have very little interest in understanding what the experience of having small children is like and how it might affect someone and their ability to always be a thoughtful friend (at least in the short term) and you seem to have very little empathy. That is totally fair enough- why should you? But then again- why post? Or did you just want everyone to reply and say “yeh your friends are clearly all shit people- dump them”.

Haven’t RTFT. I agree with PP’s saying that things may change as their children get older. I have teenagers now and my social life is much better than it was 10 years ago. All of my friends seem to make more an effort nowadays, it’s as if we’ve emerged from the maelstrom of family life.

I’m not making excuses for your friends, they’re definitely neglecting you. I’m just being honest about how it was for me.

@TrishTrix what a lovely friend you sound.

FWIW op you are unlikely to be as busy as your friends, so I wouldn't start comparing your effort to theirs.

What a ridiculous assumption!

I bet you're one of those people that say someone childfree has no idea what being 'tired' means because only you truly know if you've got kids 🙄

OP I think this is a particularly difficult time in life to be the only child-free person. I've been in a similar position and it can feel incredibly lonely. But you have to remember they will all come out of it at some point.

I think this is largely unavoidable at this point in their lives. Having small children is unbelievably demanding and draining, particularly if they work as well it's impossible to understand how limiting it is until you have them. Things like a night out, which you can do almost without thinking about it, can be a logistical and financial nightmare if you're juggling children and jobs and a partner's schedule. It's just not that simple for them.

It does appear that your friends have been a bit crap and I can see why you are hurt but they probably can't give any more. They may just have so little headspace left that they can't really think about things like sending cards etc. I've only got one child and I can barely remember to buy and send things to my god-children so, to be honest, a card for a friend who has a new job would probably not be something which would register. I can see how it can happen.

What I would keep in mind is that this is never forever. You have to adjust to the fact that these people will (for now) struggle to give you the friendship you need. I wouldn't write them off as I'm fairly sure there's no malice involved. They just can't step up at the moment. Keep the door open but don't expect the level of engagement you would have got from them pre children. Seek other sources of friendship and broaden your social circle. But bear in mind the time will come when they will slowly regain freedom and will likely be hungry for adult company.

My friends know I love them and I would usually send a text for a birthday. New house / job? No…

That's sad, a new house or a new job (the latter perhaps less so) are big milestones- I can't imagine not celebrating a friend buying a house yet you wouldn't even send a text?

@AliceMcK it's not the norm to get your child's birthday wrong or to need reminding for simple tasks just as you have children. I hope you have decent support as there's evidently something else going on.

So consider all you have to deal with already and then add children to it. You can't deny it would get a whole lot more busier. Or would they just slot in and have zero impact on your life? They wouldn't.

Tonight I would just go to bed after sorting myself out if I was child free. It's not a race to the bottom but it seems a bit ridiculous to not recognise the obvious.

OP, I sympathise with you as another child free woman. I am in danger of losing a good friend, not because of her children but her grandchildren. I can never arrange to do anything with her over the weekend as she is always with her daughter or looking after the kids. Not only that, she doesn’t do anything else so her conversation is always about them so the conversation is very narrow. I totally get that someone prioritises their family, as do with my wider family, but I’ve lots of other friends in the same position who do manage to stay in touch and arrange to do things.

She isnt on MN though, scanning through threads so that might explain why she has more time.

I've been on your side throughout this thread but find this a little rude (sarcasm doesn't travel well over the internet so can't tell if you are trying to be funny or not). I may be sat here scrolling through MN, but if a friend had asked me to do something tonight I wouldn't be able to do it for a number of reasons unless they chose to come to my house.

A text takes seconds.
If I'm not worth seconds of your time then I let the friendship die. I've ditched a few people that have had kids and don't give enough of a shit to drop me a text.
The ones that bothered? I have lovely relationships with both them, and their children.
I say shit friends. Drop them.

I am looking for another perspective but also don’t want to hear from parents who assume I’m not as busy as them just because I don’t have children. Which is quite a ridiculous statement.

I can understand how hard it is to have children and can empathise with them. But they chose to have kids just like I chose to have children so why would I want to understand their “experience”. I get it, it’s bloody hard but it was their choice like it’s mine not to have them.

I get being really busy and find it I hard in particular when one of our friends is paticularly needy with frequency of meet ups which just stress me out but...

But generally I think if friendships are right then it will work and if not, they weren't. 2 of our daughter's favourite people in the world, who aren't related, is 2 of our child-free friends. I wouldn't have guessed it but with them, it just works.

Your friends are definitely the problem. Kids are no excuse not to take interest in your accomplishments and want to celebrate life events with you and reciprocate your generosity.
From my experience many mothers completely change their personality and priorities and perspective after having a child - as in the child becomes the centre of the universe, full stop. I said “the universe” not “their universe” because they expect everyone else to honour their child in the same way. The amount of CFkery I have experienced from mothers - including strangers - and their justification is always “but I’ve got a kid” or “ I’m doing this (for my kid)”
In terms of friendship everyone else will always come absolute last to any child related constraint- goodbye late night gatherings, goodbye overnight stays, goodbye any location that is not an extension of the child’s home or child friendly. I’m sorry your friends have turned out this way, you’re other two friends deserve you much more.

I had a baby in December and I have to say ...I used to work six days a week (and get up early to work on a side hustle before work) and I was still less "busy" than I am with a baby.

It's not high mental effort - it's just that looking after kids is 24/7. I can't imagine how nice it would be to finish work at 5pm or 7pm and then have HOURS of evening off every night. Plus a whole night to sleep uninterrupted!

Having a baby/young DC really is 24/7. And after a few months you think how lovely it would be to have a few hours in the evening off, which at the moment you get every night, even if you're working six out of seven days. You also get a full day off every week on top of that. So your friends with kids are probs busier, unless they are SAHPs with lots of childcare/kids at school during the day, then I guess you'd have free time

But they chose to have kids just like I chose to have children so why would I want to understand their “experience”. I get it, it’s bloody hard but it was their choice like it’s mine not to have them

This is so childish. It’s literally got nothing to do with anything. It doesn’t matter whose “choice” or “fault” it is, what matters is that the situation is what it is. Your friends may not have the capacity to give you what you need right now- that’s all. Many people have tried to share perspectives on that- why it might be, that it won’t last forever, that it doesn’t mean they don’t care or are shit friends etc.. but of course you might want to wider your horizons, at least for now. You’ve had lots of good advice.

Exactly. My friends all have kids ranging from 6 months and 25 years old including step kids, birth kids and foster kids. When my cat died last November I was overwhelmed by the number of texts I received and a couple even sent cards because they're MY FRIENDS, I even got a few texts from the older kids. Similarly, I text for football games won, babies saying their first word, I've attended many birthday parties etc.

To all the people saying it will get better when the kids are teens, don't expect me to hang around if you can't even spare 2 minutes to send a text.

I think it's both here, of course your friends are deep in the trenches of child raising but the thing that strikes me is this idea they are bringing their whole families to things, that isn't necessary if there are two parents, it can be organised differently (assuming your friends are female in heterosexual relationships, sometimes this is when there is a dad who can't be or doesn't want to be left alone with the kids). So unfortunately, if it's not a hopeless dad, what it suggests is that they aren't that bothered about your company. They are allowing it to be diluted.

Oftentimes women who don't carve out time for themselves end up a bit bereft when the kids become independent.

To be honest you sound like you're expecting a lot and you sound kind of exhausting. Your friends with kids have a lot on their minds juggling responsibility for small people who are literally dependent on them for their lives. Whether they're working part time or stay at home (which by the way demonstrates a lack of understanding on your part). I know doctors, nurses etc are caring for people etc etc but the physical and mental exhaustion of caring for your child either 24/7 or having a full time job and then caring for your child the rest of the time (including weekends, holidays, absolutely no chance of a rest), it can't be underestimated. The mental load of being responsible and shaping a whole life is immense.

Yes you sound busy. Now imagine having your schedule and adding children you have to care for once your schedule is over and you go home. No evenings off without expensive or difficult childcare choices, no "one day off a week", no holidays to do as you like. It was your choice to be child-free (commendable), it was your friends choice to have children. This just means that you're now in different stages of your lives. Once your job or placements end, you have the time and headspace to remember special events and send cards to your friends. Your friends are juggling too much for that to cross their minds. They're not bad friends and it's not their faults, there's just a divide at the moment that is hard to overcome. If they have partners, it's probably enough for them to keep up with celebrating the events of their partner and kids. Friends often take a back seat. Whether you want to ride it out until their kids are older, and lower your expectations is your decision.

Idk, i have a kid but my best mate doesn't. We get along grand. But maybe she has a pain in her face with me? But i can see your point tbf.

I am looking for another perspective

why would I want to understand their “experience”

Make your mind up 😉

But seriously, I think you could be missing the point here a little. I think people are telling you how tired the parents must be etc not to try to play the tiredness Olympics but to reassure you that it's not anything to do with you, your friends are not pulling away from you because they don't want to be friends with you any more, they're just, in all likelihood... tired, or too busy, or both. That's a good thing for your friendship (if you still want it), surely?

Your friends sound rubbish (or like they are just being rubbish at the moment). There are also quite a few people on this thread who are probably similar, giving some of the responses…

If I cancel on my friends it’s because I’ve caught some horrible bug from my darling child and his nursery germ-fest.

It's not high mental effort - it's just that looking after kids is 24/7. I can't imagine how nice it would be to finish work at 5pm or 7pm and then have HOURS of evening off every night. Plus a whole night to sleep uninterrupted!

mental exhaustion of caring for your child either 24/7 or having a full time job and then caring for your child the rest of the time (including weekends, holidays, absolutely no chance of a rest)

I guess my friends must just be lucky that it's not 24/7 for them as they have partners who do an equal share which allows them to go for a night out or have an uninterrupted night's sleep.

I've posted a couple of times on this thread and followed it. I'm sorry but some people are ridiculous. Not having time to text your friend happy birthday is nothing to do with tiredness. It is making a choice that they are no longer a priority. That's fine but just own it, don't come up with excuses about mental load etc.

Some people completely change their personality when they have kids and again that's fine but making excuses about having to be that way because you have kids is just bullshit. And yes I'm a parent but I'm also a person with friends that I love.

I think advice to step back on effort is good. I have a close childfree friend who doesn’t get it and I feel like I am perpetually letting her down. But I am constantly overwhelmed and unlike when I was very busy with my full time corporate job prior to kids, I can’t just step away from a commitment to a hobby (what filled my free time before) because my current hobby is my kid. I want to spend less time with my child free friend because she constantly makes me feel guilty, not intentionally, but she always wants to make plans way in advance and then is very rigid/annoyed if I have to cancel. I hate canceling but if my babysitter cancels or the kid gets sick, sometimes I have no choice. I wish she would put in less effort.

Sorry about your cat. But yes I agree about waiting round. I’m not going to end the friendship completely but definitely not make an effort like I use to when I don’t get anything back. Should say the friends that don’t text or the same ones posting on sm…