Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has RAN AWAY in foreign country.

412 replies

Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 22:33

Away with our DC’s, I appreciate the need for downtime but every night I’ve sat alone in silence whilst he watches films.

Tonight i broached this and said I just felt really flat and lonely after 12 days of this, still 2 to go. He said that it’s proven that men don’t need ‘chat and drama’ hence they can happily live alone for years.

I got quite tearful and said I really wasn’t starting an argument, I just wanted to chat of an evening. He kept on repeating that I can speak to him whenever I like, and I explained it would be nice to feel as if I wasn’t disturbing him and him to initiate conversation.

Then he ran away, it’s 12.32am here he’s gone. It’s really rough weather here tonight too and I’m scared. He hasn’t got a key as the fob for the electric is welded onto the key so I have no idea what to do.

aibu to phone the Greek police?

OP posts:
Meixo · 21/05/2023 03:36

I don't think you are compatible, I'm like your DH , I need space to decompress I'm quite happy within my own company and don't feel the need to chit chat all the time. In fact I would get really annoyed if someone was badgering me to talk to them constantly. My DH is the same and sometimes we will do parallel activities without speaking to each other, I like his presence but we don't feel the need to constantly chat.

My DD is very extroverted so I make allowances for that but i will say I need quiet time and she gets it.

Popuppilot · 21/05/2023 04:45

SkyandSurf · 21/05/2023 03:06

I've read all the OP's comments a few times and I just can't see what people are reacting to here.

One missing piece of the puzzle is- what has he been like during the day? Has he been an engaged dad and partner, wrangling the two children in a new place with you? Is he tired?

Pregnancy is a vulnerable time, and I don't want to criticise you but I find myself (also pregnant) empathising with your husband.

I've just come back from holiday with my husband and two small children. By the time we finally got them in bed I was exhausted. I just wanted to space out, with my headphones in, watching bridgerton or some other nonsense. Fortunately my husband understands and respects that I need time to decompress in the day. If my husband had repeatedly badgered me to 'initiate chat' and even started crying (which would seem a little manipulative frankly) demanding my attention when id been really clear I was spent and didn't have the energy... I can't say I would have physically run off but I certainly would understand the impulse.

You say he kept repeating his answers to you- doesn't that imply that you kept demanding and insisting that he chat with you after he had made it clear he wasn't up for it? Why does your wish for attention come before his wish for downtime?

Does he ignore you all day every day? Or just want some alone time at night?

Also I don't see how he is abusive. He didn't leave you and the children alone on the streets of some war torn outpost. It sounds like you were safe and sound in a holiday villa? He's a grown man, he went for a walk or a run. That's not dangerous. Surely you knew he was fine.

He told you again and again to leave him be and eventually he left to be alone. Then you persisted in phoning him- repeatedly- how much clearer could he be that he wanted some alone time? Why couldn't you respect that. Men are allowed boundaries as well.

He's a grown man, he went out for a break rather than get angry with his pregnant wife. And you call over and over when it's clear he wanted to be alone, cry, stay up, talk about involving the police.. it is dramatic. I personally would find it too much.

If you want to have a serious conversation about how your needs aren't being met in the relationship- then why was that the moment you picked? A moment when he didn't want to talk at all. When you were both tired. With no warning for him.

If you want to talk about needing more attention then ask him when would be a good time. Do it when you're not both exhausted. Don't call the police if a grown man wants a break.

I'm not supporting the husbands actions, but we don't know how many times he asked to be left alone only to have his boundaries ignored.

Kindly OP I also think this to an extent. How was he in the day?

Clementinesucks · 21/05/2023 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gold. Absolute gold.

Shadowworry · 21/05/2023 05:38

Just go home. Your ex to be is vile. He knows you are vulnerable he knows you can’t leave your child - this is very much about control.

would it have hurt him to just say yes I’m sorry I’ve been on my phone for hours yes you are right - let’s have a cuddle?

I would say the only men that I have known who have done this on holiday is men having affairs

Nanaof1 · 21/05/2023 05:39

PonyPatter44 · 20/05/2023 22:51

Wow, you're just so cool 🙄

Show quote history

I think you mean cold. Definitely very, very cold.

Nanaof1 · 21/05/2023 05:43

Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 22:42

Sorry, I’m sure I do sound pathetic. But I’m nervous in a country I don’t know well with two small children, let alone with a husband gone walkabouts. I’m not going to be able to sleep knowing he’s locked out.

You are playing right into his pathetic, grubby hands. He WANTS you to worry and be upset.
MAKE yourself go to bed, make yourself doze off and when he comes a pounding, take your very sweet time answering it. When he comes in, say, "Oh, you stepped out? Huh."

Get back home and tell the idjit to GTFO. Let him live happily alone, while you find someone who will appreciate you.

changeme4this · 21/05/2023 05:45

Just organise yourself and the children and get to the airport tomorrow. If he wants to tag along, then you are not his parent and you are busy with children that you have and he can sort himself out.

Wait until you are in, unpacked, children settled and then go your hardest. He has let you down, moody, troublemaker. Life isn't about him, but the family unit including you.

If he doesn't want to participate in that, off he trots.

user1492757084 · 21/05/2023 05:52

Firstly, get on the plane safely.
Only pleasant, co-operative behaviour.

On the plane say that you were worried about him, glad that he was unharmed and that you think booking some counselling together is the way forward, given that you are pregnant.

Once home arrange counselling for each of you separately, with the view of then having some together to decide a plan.

Above all both try to treat each other with respect.
Take a step back and don't look to pick faults, fix things etc (Leave that to the professionals.)

Make yourself happy in all sorts of other ways, in the meantime. Be responsible for finding enjoyable outlets, socialising with friends and family and being responsible for your own well being and satisfaction with life.

Nanaof1 · 21/05/2023 06:05

OrangeSatsumas · 20/05/2023 23:58

He’s a man child, a drama queen and a dick. I’d be getting home and dumping his pathetic arse, he ran away purely for attention imo. What a wet wipe he is sitting watching watching films with his headphones on when you’re on holiday. Why people put up with this shit is beyond me.

Honestly! He sounds like a complete and utter bore of a man. I think watching paint dry would be more exciting than being in his company.

Childish, abusive and an attention w#ore. A trifecta of loser behavior.

I am betting the only time he likes to talk is when it's all about him. 🙄

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/05/2023 06:27

If his behaviour on holiday is unusual - and come on those saying he just need space to decompress - then watching films wearing headphones so you're not even watching together is pretty shit as he's shutting you out.

I'd put money on something else going on and this is a deliberate ploy to avoid talking to you and it coming out.

What had he been like during the day OP?

Palmasailor · 21/05/2023 06:29

Yeah I think that. Perhaps the guy has a load of crap on his mind and needed some personal space.

Spicypeanuts · 21/05/2023 06:39

Better alone than alone in a relationship.

You and your children deserve so much more OP.

Twiglets1 · 21/05/2023 06:46

I'm not convinced this is a genuine post as who really thinks about calling the police after their partner strorms out for 2 hours after a row? And records their every thought on Mumsnet during the drama?

But if it is true, get home safely and without any more dramas and then book an appointment with a solicitor to discuss divorce.

SkyandSurf · 21/05/2023 07:06

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/05/2023 06:27

If his behaviour on holiday is unusual - and come on those saying he just need space to decompress - then watching films wearing headphones so you're not even watching together is pretty shit as he's shutting you out.

I'd put money on something else going on and this is a deliberate ploy to avoid talking to you and it coming out.

What had he been like during the day OP?

It says in the OP that he repeatedly said she could speak to him whenever she likes. She decided that wasn't enough and wanted him to initiate conversation.

He wasn't refusing to speak to her. He didn't even say 'excuse me I am watching my film' it sounds like he's happy to stop the film to respond to her, but she isn't happy with that because then she 'feels like she is interrupting'

She also doesn't say he didn't speak or even that he didn't initiate conversation during the day. So I assume he did.

I don't think there is anything horrible about wanting to chill out with your headphones on in the evening on holiday, after a busy day with two small children.

OP says she's 'sat here alone' in the evening on holiday. My goodness- read a book, draw a picture, watch your own film, call a friend, write a blog, have a bath, paint your nails, have a wine on the balcony, meditate, make a photo-book- so many things one can do with spare time! Why does she need him to take the lead and amuse her?

I can't believe I am saying this, but if the sexes were reversed and a mother just wanted to chill out by themselves of an evening on holidays and her husband was badgering them insisting they not just respond when spoken to (it sounds as though he was doing that) but specifies they must 'initiate chat' (?!) and focus on them all evening instead, i think we would get different answers.

The crying, the repeated requests, repeated phone calls and threatening to call police would be seen as suffocating behaviours.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 21/05/2023 07:11

If his behaviour on holiday is unusual - and come on those saying he just need space to decompress - then watching films wearing headphones so you're not even watching together is pretty shit as he's shutting you out.

Im playing Devil's advocate - maybe the husband needs to wear headphones to get some peace. I'm a quiet person who likes to read and decompress of an evening. I'm not uncomfortable with silence. My husband though likes to talk. Not necessary conversations, just talk. Even when I'm watching a film with him he'll be scrolling his phone looking at videos and saying "look at this" all the time. Other times he'll just make random comments about the film and you end up missing a lot of what's being said. For all we know the OP may be a person who just talks without substance and doesn't take cues of when to give her DH some quiet time. After a full day with young DC, he may be all talked out.

user1492757084 · 21/05/2023 07:16

Do you ever ask him to take his head set off so you can enjoy the films together? This will give you conversation fodder and also reason why you could choose a film or activity next time etc.

psychokillerornotkiller · 21/05/2023 07:17

From your first post it was obvious the ‘running away’ was to punish you.

He’s awful. Really awful. Has open contempt for you, no interest in seeing things from your perspective, bullies you into living the way he wants ( silently obedient). I would not be at all surprised if he wanted you pg again to try to trap you into staying with him.

RampantIvy · 21/05/2023 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you always this nasty?

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 07:30

It says in the OP that he repeatedly said she could speak to him whenever she likes. She decided that wasn't enough and wanted him to initiate conversation. He wasn't refusing to speak to her. He didn't even say 'excuse me I am watching my film' it sounds like he's happy to stop the film to respond to her, but she isn't happy with that because then she 'feels like she is interrupting It's not exactly easy to have a conversation with someone wearing headphones watching a movie, is it? I think your bar is pretty low if you think that it's normal to be on holiday together and spend every evening with one person with headphones on watching films every night. Normally couples spend evenings together on holiday, having a glass of wine, chatting etc. Why spend all that money going to another country to ignore each other once the kids have gone to bed? You could stay at home and do that. For most people this isn't normal behaviour unless your relationship has well and truly lost it's spark. The odd night I understand, but every night sitting totally disconnected doesn't sound very normal.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 07:33

Palmasailor · 21/05/2023 06:29

Yeah I think that. Perhaps the guy has a load of crap on his mind and needed some personal space.

Emotionally mature adults would have a conversation about that though and not just storm off when their partner rightfully questioned them. Most people go on holiday to relax together and reconnect. We all have stress and busy lives at home, and a holiday should be to enjoy each others company and leave the day-to-day stress of life behind.

femfemlicious · 21/05/2023 07:37

unsurefornow · 20/05/2023 22:58

@Temporaryname158a man who gives you the silent treatment is a man who is abusing you

Not necessarily! Please don't apply the word "abuse" so lightly, it's really offensive to people who have been abused. Silent treatment is silent treatment, nothing more and nothing less.

I agree!. The word abuse is used too readily on here!

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 07:37

Honestly OP, I can't believe sone posters are excusing his behaviour regarding not talking to you every evening and having a go at you for crying. His reaction was toxic and emotionally immature. This isn't how a holiday should be. If he needed some time to himself in the evening, he could have just said that he needs a bit of disconnect time and is going to watch a film one or two nights, but every night? That's not on. I get doing that at home after a stressful day at work, or whatever, but on holiday it's pretty unreasonable and totally inconsiderate of your needs and feelings.

Bopcorn · 21/05/2023 07:38

SkyandSurf · 21/05/2023 07:06

It says in the OP that he repeatedly said she could speak to him whenever she likes. She decided that wasn't enough and wanted him to initiate conversation.

He wasn't refusing to speak to her. He didn't even say 'excuse me I am watching my film' it sounds like he's happy to stop the film to respond to her, but she isn't happy with that because then she 'feels like she is interrupting'

She also doesn't say he didn't speak or even that he didn't initiate conversation during the day. So I assume he did.

I don't think there is anything horrible about wanting to chill out with your headphones on in the evening on holiday, after a busy day with two small children.

OP says she's 'sat here alone' in the evening on holiday. My goodness- read a book, draw a picture, watch your own film, call a friend, write a blog, have a bath, paint your nails, have a wine on the balcony, meditate, make a photo-book- so many things one can do with spare time! Why does she need him to take the lead and amuse her?

I can't believe I am saying this, but if the sexes were reversed and a mother just wanted to chill out by themselves of an evening on holidays and her husband was badgering them insisting they not just respond when spoken to (it sounds as though he was doing that) but specifies they must 'initiate chat' (?!) and focus on them all evening instead, i think we would get different answers.

The crying, the repeated requests, repeated phone calls and threatening to call police would be seen as suffocating behaviours.

Show quote history

I agree with this, especially the last paragraph.

ShinyShite · 21/05/2023 07:40

In your shoes, I wouldn’t be having a third child with this man and I’d be making arrangements to get a divorce.

This is not a happy marriage. Don’t waste your youth putting up with being treated like shit. People in loving relationships do not routinely freeze out their partners or run off without a care.

Sorry OP, but I’d lay odds on him having an affair back home…

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 07:46

Not necessarily! Please don't apply the word "abuse" so lightly, it's really offensive to people who have been abused. Silent treatment is silent treatment, nothing more and nothing less punishing your partner by giving them the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Does abuse only have to be physical to you? It's actually very abusive and toxic behaviour when used regularly as a form of punishment and can cause severe distress. Please don't play abuse Top Trumps. I have also been in a relationship, with DD's dad, that was both physically and emotionally abusive, and absolutely recognise this as a form of abuse.