To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

[stanfordpuma]

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

I dont think £100 each is a lot for nibbles and free flowing drinks. I could easily “consume” that, so don't feel like a mug at all. You are decent friends who went along, got a baby sitter etc and then get a kick in the teeth like this. Its a horrible feeling.

You say you dont want to create a scene. The best way is to distance yourself, never be available and put this one sided friendship in the bin.

Chin up chick - there are nice people around x

It's always a really sickening discovery. I remember once driving my son round to a friend's place to drop off a present. There was obviously a party going on to which he equally obviously hadn't been invited. I didn't slow and drove past. I felt awful for him at the time.

I would feel so hurt.

My inner Miss Marple would be finding out what the actual ticket price of drinks and nibbles were and letting everyone know how much profit Matt made.
Also that £200 was the cost of paying off fake friends.

Have you heard from them since? And what did you buy her for her birthday gift?

OP, my kids did a niche sport and I became friendly with some of the parents - a coffee here and there, the occasional night out/in, or a ‘let’s all go to the sea for a picnic today’ kind of thing, but they were never my ‘best mates’ and I wouldn’t have expected to form part of their own birthday plans.

I think it’s odder that you were even invited to the day event, unless they needed to £200 - are you wealthier than them? Were other people from the sport invited and did they go to the after party? That said, I’d never have done a two tier party because that’s just tacky. These sports friendships are usually casual and fade once the kids stop participating - my DD did a sport at a high level for 7 years so I spent up to 20 hours a week at the venue with about 15-20 other parents so we spent A LOT of time together. My DD left the sport a year ago and I speak to maybe one or two of them on a vaguely regular basis and that’s mainly because our kids are still friends. So be annoyed about the £200, but not the after party, which as others said, probably involved something you didn’t want to take part in anyway.

It can be so painful and hurtful when you're a good, honest and sincere person and you run across people who aren't like that themselves. You can get used, like Eva and Matt seem to have done, and you can get your feelings hurt like some people on this thread have tried to do. You have to bear in mind it reflects on those people and.not on you. Please.keep.being so lovely even though it's difficult- but try not to expect that everyone you meet is going to be the same. Just treasure those who are even more whenever you find them.

I agree with this. OP is acting like a decent friend would and has nothing to feel bad about. You didnt know then that that were rude arseholes but now you do so adjust your behaviour accordingly and drop the rope.

I wouldnt be making any effort with them whatsoever in future now you know what their real unpleasant character is like

I don't think you paid £200 to attend their party did you? That was the pp package price for four hours of drinks and sharing platters at the 'prestigious' venue. I'm going to something similar next week but it's £60pp for two hours - private room, food, two cocktails. So I don't think that part is cheeky really.

The timing could also have been the only time the private room was available, or the only time they could accommodate such large numbers. Ours is also a slightly unusual time.

But it's very cheeky to dismiss you at 8pm. I would have assumed we'd all be going on somewhere else. So some guests went back to the house and some didn't? Or was it a completely different crowd?

I hope, by writing that all out, you have realized one thing. They are users. They set out a spread for people who they wish to suck up to, stay on their good side, impress and curry their favor. You and your DH do not fit into that category, so you aren't worth even basic politeness and hospitality.

Run, do not walk away from these insincere, awful people and consider yourselves lucky it only cost you a couple hundred pounds. I wonder if everyone who went to the party paid 200 pounds/couple? I have my doubts.

I replied above before I read your post.

ITA! That seems a bit much to me when it wasn't even a meal. Unless it was unlimited drinks but then, it's still only worth it for the heavy drinkers.

I'm actually wondering if they over charged you on purpose, so you ended up paying not just for yourself but them/others as well?
Even at a posh place finger food and a few drinks shouldn't be costing in the hundreds!
They are CFs big time, that's for sure

Yes, this is a very good point. They probably thought they could do this as OP has been so generous with her friendship in the past.

Wow- what a pair of horrible, nasty people yuck

Pretty much guarantee you that the 4-8pm crowd were the only ones that were convinced to pay up £100 each. That means they likely targeted people that would pay up given the occasion.

My guess is that the later crowd were the ones that paid £0.

Its not the £100 that makes this whole thing stink. Nicer venues can be much more expensive than that but with the caveat that it is the main event. Thats what you are contributing for.

Its how brazen they were in using people that way. They "robbed" Peter to pay Paul. People they don't regard as close friends.

I would be livid because I would feel used (which is obviously true).

Who was at the 8pm house party? Could it have just been close family?

Were the other friends, the ones you sound a bit jealous of, also at the £100pp party?

I think you are jumping to some conclusions. You might be right but can't be certain yet.

I think you've hit the nail squarely on the head with this post.

It's common for people to have different sets of friends, and they're all kind of graded in terms of closeness. The issues arise when you think of someone as your grade A/top tier friend, but they have other friends who they've known longer/see more often so you're grade B to them.

I still think it's ridiculous of them to charge people £100 to go to the first party though!

Why don’t you just look at Op’s previous posts on this thread and find out? Rather than expecting her to repeat for you.

I don't think I'd want to be friends with this couple any more. We've recently discovered that some people who we thought were close friends had a completely different side to them and we've decided that life is too short to waste it on friendships that aren't 100% real and two way. We've thinned our friendship circle out over the last 2 years and life is much simpler, less stressful, and we have more time as a family and more time to spend quality time with our real, true friends. It's so nice not to have to go to birthday parties and BBQs with their other friends who we don't know and always felt were their preferred friends and we were just there to make up the numbers!

"Eva and Matt" sound like those ex friends of ours and I honestly think you'd enjoy life more without them.

I seem to be reading this differently to lots here. You've been invited, you went. They were just continuing the party later on, probably for those who couldn't make earlier/wouldn't pay earlier.

I'm one of the former, I'd pay for a nice meal out but don't have the childcare/enthusiasm to have a big late night.

To me, it would be rude if you weren't invited at all to anything.

Stop being super anything towards Matt , Eva and their family

Distance yourself

I remember my husband I a were invited to my old bosses (and I thought friend) three day wedding in Ibiza. We went, really happy to be invited and included, though obviously a pricey wedding to attend - flights, hotels etc. had a lovely time, nice small intimate group. Found out a few weeks later they had a second wedding afterwards at home, as we saw photos all over Facebook. Everyone who was at the Ibiza wedding was there…except us! Felt quite hurt, we were obviously in real terms ‘b-list’ invitees, and asked to go to Ibiza for numbers, whereas the bigger, more traditional local wedding we weren’t considered at all. The time between the two weddings was short, so the invites for the wedding at home would already have been sent out at time of Ibiza wedding (in case anyone thinking perhaps we had ‘done’ something at Ibiza wedding that warranted us not being invited, deffo not! Was a lovely low key wedding and no one had any drama). They were also invited fully and without reservation - and came to - our own wedding, about a year before theirs. So I get this feeling. It’s hurtful but just chalk it up to experience and distance yourselves from these people who clearly don’t value you as much as you valued them. That’s really not nice to use you for numbers (at your expense) and then not include you for the ‘real’ party. I also think it’s really poor form anyway to charge you to attend a party! We wouldn’t even spend £200 on a normal night out!

If you could easily consume enough food and drink to add up to £100 in the late afternoon/early evening, then you've either got some issues or very expensive tastes.

Your words caused that. You made me feel small and stupid and ridiculous

@stanfordpuma i just read your thread- sorry for what has happened. But can I also say there are some absolute arseholes on mumsnet who come on here deliberately to make people feel as you have described. People who are bullies who can’t act like that in real life but think it’s ok on social media. Totally ignore!

Well that all just sounds like a crap evening. I am sorry you got fleeced (Like pps I think not only did Matt make you all pay for the party but he might have managed to pocket a fair chunk of change himself).

The only bonus I can see is now you know as as said upthread you could have had years of being fleeced like this by them. Plus also you have a story for the semi regular 'Tell us your CF stories' on MN. I always have a few I contribute and it can be quite cathartic.

On a superficial read I would just think that they really like you guys but realise that introducing you to their established friend group events would be an awkward dynamic for you and everyone else. But you say they don't bother much when you go over, and boast about the other friends. I would say one of them wants to be friends with you both but not the other.

I think you sound lovely OP. Don’t change one thing about you, this is all about them bring really quite rude.
I would see this as a wake up to the kind of people they really are and feel glad you have dodged a bit of a bullet. Invest your loveliness into other friendships for they are not deserving!

£100!!!! EACH!!!! What a bunch of cunts.