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Original poster

To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

367 replies

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:21

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

OP posts:
Saschka · 21/05/2023 00:24

It’s very tacky of them to charge people to go to their party. But are you quite sure there was a “real party” back home, and not just a family party, or small gathering of 4-6 very close friends?

If there was genuinely a big party back at their house which you weren’t invited to, they are truly shitty people and you should ditch them. But it sounds from what you’ve said that Matt said he was on his way home, and other friends made jokey references to him setting up the after party - it’s not really clear whether you know who went, or that it was actually a “party”. Did everyone else leave to head back to Eva and Matt’s house and you weren’t invited?

Nocutenamesleft · 21/05/2023 00:25

mumda · 20/05/2023 21:37

Think of it as having cost you £200 to know they're both twats.

This in spades

cheap in the long run really. Could of had years of important birthdays for decades

at least you know now.

Nocutenamesleft · 21/05/2023 00:26

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:44

Unfortunately not- it was very clear that we were NOT invited back to theirs for the "real" birthday party.
I should add that we wouldn't have gone back to theirs anyway- we live quite a bit away from them and needed to get home to let the babysitter go, etc. But surely a simple, for-form's sake: "you're very welcome to come to ours for a glass of wine" (as we ALWAYS say to them in similar circumstances, and they do come back to ours, and Matt drinks all our Guinness, meow) would be nice.

Show quote history

Can you say how clear it was

like did they actually say ‘fuck off you’re not invited. No way!!!!!’

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 21/05/2023 00:27

stanfordpuma · 21/05/2023 00:08

I know people type stuff on the internet, but when I read this my heart actually gave a "thump" of pain in my chest. Your words caused that. You made me feel small and stupid and ridiculous.
I know I'm not, and I've reminded myself of the circumstances, but still, your post caused my heart to skip a beat and make me feel a bit unwell. I thought I'd just mention this in case you post lots of comments like this.

Show quote history

You're not any of those things. It says something about THEM that they thought this was an ok ask, but it doesn't say something bad about you that you paid. That's you being a friend. I could imagine feeling uncomfortable, but still paying myself, wanting my friend to have a great night. The fact the people you treated and extended friendship too were not worth that reflects on them not you.

maryberryslayers · 21/05/2023 00:28

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but there is literally no way that was £100pp. 'Matt' was likely just using you and other acquaintances to pay for a party.

You sound like a lovely host and person and shouldn't bother wasting your time on these people who clearly don't value you as friends.

Viviennemary · 21/05/2023 00:29

They are a cheeky rude pair of grabbers. Find some new friends.

Nocutenamesleft · 21/05/2023 00:32

I once had a girl tell me she wanted this quiet bbq at her house on the Isle of Wight. It was quite a journey (expensive and meant a boat ride!!) and the night before she’d told me she didn’t want the party. That I’d forever her and I’d make her feel guilty but she’d pay me back. Needless to say I never got the money. Even though her boyfriend asked for my bank details and she went weird. I blocked her but she sent me this super long (and really fucking weird and absolutely hilarious. Even after 10 years I keep it for prosperity!!! It’s always guaranteed to get a smile on my face.

long story but that was only £100 and It still makes me laugh. I feel in like a few months this will be one of those times

for what it’s worth. I reckon they’re swingers!!!’

GloriousD · 21/05/2023 00:33

stanfordpuma · 21/05/2023 00:08

I know people type stuff on the internet, but when I read this my heart actually gave a "thump" of pain in my chest. Your words caused that. You made me feel small and stupid and ridiculous.
I know I'm not, and I've reminded myself of the circumstances, but still, your post caused my heart to skip a beat and make me feel a bit unwell. I thought I'd just mention this in case you post lots of comments like this.

Show quote history

Ouuchh. Time for bed. Nighty night.

lemonchiffonpie · 21/05/2023 00:36

HappiDaze · 21/05/2023 00:13

I'd be tempted to call the venue and pretend to be 'Eva' asking if my husband 'Matt' owed anything and how much did it come to by the way

Oh, this. Definitely.

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/05/2023 00:37

I'm wondering how many other guests got charged £100 a head for the 1st party. If there was say 40 people there they would be raking it in .

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/05/2023 00:43

CFC’s Cheeky Fucking Cunts

Jellycatbat20 · 21/05/2023 00:45

Middle class druggies, swingers, some bizarre occult sect that dons robes and sacrifices plastic chickens....definitely not your friends, that £100 per head went to fund trappings for one of the above. Definitely stop inviting them over and while you might want to be civil for the sake of the kids, time to withdraw from the relationship otherwise.

Clementinesucks · 21/05/2023 00:45

Yeah I wouldn’t have them over ever again and go for polite but distant when you bump into them at the kids’ sport stuff.

LadyJ2023 · 21/05/2023 00:47

Eh I'm sorry but no way would me and hubby call these friends. Never once in our whole friendship or family group have we ever been asked to pay to go to a birthday and never have we asked either. You say its not about the money but can't you see how weird that is and then not to even know about the after party till the venue party and not even be invited. Sorry this is a one sided friendship you and your other half sound to lovely to mix with people like that who treat you as nothing.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 21/05/2023 00:50

Bless you OP.

People can be so hurtful.

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 21/05/2023 01:14

How often do they come to your house Op? Do you speak regularly by text or whatever, like close-ish friends? Do they have a small house to only accommodate closest friends and family?

sounds like he made a good profit, or it was an amazing after party. He sounds odd, not you. Did she know there was going to be an after party?

basically would you be invited to be a guest at their wedding for example, or something to compare? I hope you filled your boots with the food, it sounds good!

also did the other guests know about the after party? At least you didn't cause a scene and can style it out. So sneaky. Next time they come to yours, order a takeaway and ask them to give you the money for their share.

coxesorangepippin · 21/05/2023 01:40

Well, you know where you stand know don't you op??

Aka keep them at arms length

Tough though when the kids do sports together

coxesorangepippin · 21/05/2023 01:41

I'd be tempted to call the venue and pretend to be 'Eva' asking if my husband 'Matt' owed anything and how much did it come to by the way

^

Oh yeah, my vote too

Dalriada35 · 21/05/2023 01:44

What @Malificent1 said. These people are not your friends. This is not how friends behave.

PawsAndReflection · 21/05/2023 02:34

In your shoes I'd be dying to find out if the actual cost was 100pp, I'd be calling the venue this week to ask how much something like that would cost per head. You can say you went this weekend and loved it so much you were thinking of doing it yourself!

But then I always have to get to the bottom of CFuckery GrinBlush

YouJustDoYou · 21/05/2023 03:07

You sound lovely op - no more giving of your generosity and amazing hosting to these people!

BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 21/05/2023 03:26

You lost me at you paid 200 quid to go to a party 😳
WTF

Boomshock · 21/05/2023 03:43

Swingers or coke heads!

TheThinkingGoblin · 21/05/2023 04:02

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 23:53

All of this is true. Yes I did give Matt £200 in cash because he said that's what it cost. I don't think that makes me a "mug" as some posters have said- they are/were "friends"; it was the "cost" of the party as we were told.
And yes I need to pull my big girl pants on. No point whinging about money spent/lost. I think in fairness I wasn't moaning about that in any case- just feeling a bit "used".
Thanks to everyone who's been supportive- I needed a few people to agree with me that this whole situation is a bit "dickish".
I won't let myself get pulled into their nonsense again.

Show quote history

You were used by Matt as fillers to pay for the venue (private hire, food, drinks).

You were then discarded as they only view you as acquaintances.

Its a tough lesson to learn. It will hurt for a while.

nettie434 · 21/05/2023 04:35

PawsAndReflection · 21/05/2023 02:34

In your shoes I'd be dying to find out if the actual cost was 100pp, I'd be calling the venue this week to ask how much something like that would cost per head. You can say you went this weekend and loved it so much you were thinking of doing it yourself!

But then I always have to get to the bottom of CFuckery GrinBlush

I love the suggestions that Eva and Matt are swingers and/or are known for their drug fuelled parties. It would be easy to phone the venue and say you are thinking about having an all in party there too. There's no need to pretend to be Eva or anything complicated. This way you will know the true extent of Eva and Matt's CFery, although I suspect a swanky venue is quite likely to charge £100 per head.

Stanfordpuma, please don't worry about the posters who would never have paid to go to a party. It's precisely because you are a good host who wants people to have a nice time that you didn't question this. It's not just the fact that you have hosted them but they didn't reciprocate that hurts, it's the evasion about the 2nd party and the fact that they didn't fork out anything for the first party. Hopefully, over time, it will become a funny story that you can regale to your guests as you are being the perfect host and they can all be as appalled as most of us are by Eva and Matt.

PS I do hope you didn't get Eva a generous present, but I expect you did!